immigrant song

It's amazing how after so much still time, so much of who we are simply falls away like caked dirt...

And me- without my old friends, and my family stretched to impeccability's ends just to hold me aloft- who the hell am I to become-?

Where do I go now, now that I am here?
'tis not what I wanted...
...'tis what I fear

or some shit.
fuck you inner conscience- fake alien broadcasts. if you were such a fuckin conscience, you wouldn't constantly make me feel like shit. what kind of fuckin conscience is that?

too fucking weak, is what it is. my feelings are beyond you.

I need a laptop- time to make my game

I realize most of my current depression could stem from relentlessly being dosed with heroin and speed, but for reals, I'm so depressed these days I can't even find the heart to start a new file on a classic RPG...

There's this sense of imperminence to it all- I feel like I've seen the potential for such plasticity in the world, in hmanity in general, that to even persist at all is like adding to the damage... the scarring.

Iam further in debt and further from moving forward at all, than ever before... No one exists in my proximity that strengthens me... my family is waiting for me to die off, trying to hold a smile so the pictures can look good when it happens.

God, how I wish I could be back at Cody's, playing video games and living with such love, and brotherhood as I've never known... my heart burns tears too hot to streak my own face... eyes just perpetual wells of water... I hate my memories for the hope they extinguish...