Can you give me sanctuary..?

Man, considering how intensely sober I've been lately, I've really been enjoying life! I can't believe it... Finally things are actually leveling out for me ^_^

It's such a good, genuine, warm, enveloping and engrossing feeling- to know that all you are and all you've accomplished is a result of YOU and not some drug or chemical. So cheesy, I know. But God damn call me swiss and mozzarella my cheddar lol.

Clarity brings with it a certain gravity. It's probably what I've been avoiding... the weight of my intelligence... it's something I haven't wanted to burden myself with. But I hadn't realized that intelligence is useless without wisdom- like finding ways to deal with these problems without becoming a bum, douchebag, or mooch.

It's scary stepping back into my own shoes and stuff ya know. Not being all dexed out and high as an excuse for my awkwardness and stupid mistakes. My imperfection.

We're all imperfect- none of us is ideal~ what is sought after, what is idolized, is later torn from the wall and banned like Nazi book burnings or the Crusades, or the Spaniards, etc.

He died a confused man, killed hisself with his own mind~
Fuckin love Sublime.

Yeah I feel really good. I don't have a job. I'm looking at two impending court dealios, and I'm probably fucked. I've been real sketchy with going to classes so idk if I can get my certificate before I meet with the prosecutor next.

I might have to ask my awesome-as-fuck group leader, Joy McCoy, if she can come testify or something on my behalf lol. God I'd have to take her out to eat for sure after that one. God bless that woman, she is truly doing God's work. Every day I see her, she is so ebulient and warm, and outgoing and friendly~ she is such a gentle spirit, God bless her soul~

~~

Hanging On My Frowning Wall

Well if I get back home n I feel alright, you know babe, you're gonna love me right~

Yeah today was a pretty epivical day~ Is that a word? It is now bro~

I've got a couple places I gotta hit up tomorrow. This motel for Night Audit, and Taco Bell as well.

Sometimes I pray~ waiting for some Chaz holiday~
So I jacked myself some Delsym~
And I'm right back, right back where I'm from~

I feel really inspired tonight. I'm fuckin pissed that I can't use the computers here for more than an hour. Wtf. I just want to write. Maybe I can talk to the cats here and see if there's some arrangement I can make.

God, my mom has helped me out so much in my life. Thank God for this woman, Thank GOD for my mother, Susan~ she is the angel in my life, no doubt. Mike, my buddy, is pretty cool as well, and he's an angel in his own regard, but by God. This woman has saved me more times than Mario's saved the princess.

I'm contemplating chilling here and writing for a couple hours. I wish I had some whiskey or something to help motivate, but I'm past that now. I don't need substances to get where I need to go, or want to =)

I'll probly do some fierce writing, listen to some music on my phone, shoot I gotta upload some new music to that device. First I gotta DL some shit
Fourshare is a little bitch! They slammed me with all these copyright infringement bullshits. I was like 'if the artists truly want their work to be appreciated and they're just making music because they're musicians and they're not in it for money, then why the FUCK are you giving me heat about sharing some 90s mp3s?!'

Well tomorrow I'm gonnna help Eris' sisters move to their new place. Eris' family pretty much hates me, because they think I'm like a good for nothing or something. Meanwhile their mom's living for free at Mike's place, eating up all my food when I ain't around and having a heater blasting all night and.... yeah you've seen the recent posts. Point is, I don't deal in bullshit. If someone's fuckin with me, then it's over bro. I'm gonna slam your arm down on the barrel and cut ya off at the wrist ya little shit!

Coming from someone that's stolen over 25, 30k worth of cough syrup overthe past five years from major retailers in no particularly disclosed location, yeah~ that's pretentious and ignorant~

Welcome to reality. Everyone's flawed. Everyone's fucked. Everyone's trying to push they's luck~

Man, I can't wait to get a job and get on some payroll, digg? Hopefully one of these places checks out.

God bless~
~namaste

Why, None Would Suffer In This World

I live in my buddy Mike's house. I don't pay rent, I pretty much just gotta bring in some spare change for utilities and stock the cabinets now and then and it's all bread and butter.

I live with my supposedly best buddy's mom, and her boyfriend. Marilyn and Phil. Phil is technically 'disabled' or 'challenged' I guess- total bullshit. Kid got pumped with a bunch of Ritalin and high fructose corn syrup and sugar. Guess that qualifies for being disabled in some parts of this world. Sure, he doesn't speak correctly. Probably a result of drinking a lot of alcohol when he was in college. But because of that, he gets to take 8 years to complete an associates degree, using so much financial aid money that he can spend $40 a day eating out with his girlfriend that admitted to just using him for money.

Yeah, Marilyn acts like she's this pinnacle of wisdom and clarity. She smokes weed every night and goes out drinking with rich white guys when Phil's at work. Oh and the two of them sleep on five fuckin mattresses, while me and Mike sleep on the floor cuddled up in our blankets and sleeping bags. The two of them act like they own the fuckin house even though Mike is the one that goes to work every friggin day and busts his ass just so he can barrrrrrrrrely afford this place that shelters all of us.

Half of the living room is taken up by Marilyn's shit. It's bullshit. I have all my shit crammed into this tiny cubby I bought at walmart for six bucks, and they still fuckin complain about how my laundry stinks. They leave the god damn heater on every night while they stretch out on their foam mattresses (yeah i'd have a bad back, trying to act like I was Princess Jasmine sleeping on the finest pillowy clouds of Arabia every night when my grotesquely fat body is really sinking the shit in the middle so bad my back bends) anyways they leave the heater on and sometimes even turn the oven on full blast, cuz they're soooooo cooooooold and shit (ever live on the streets bitch? fuck you. go sleep on mt elden n tell me-) AND WHEN THE UTILITY BILL COMES ohhhh Charlie's such a bad guy he never helps out with the utility bills nahnahnahnah. Yeah. Dumb fucks. I wear sweats all day. I take cold showers. I don't turn that shit on and wait for it to warm up 20 minutes like it's a fuckin hotel room and I'm just visiting this country for the weekend. Fuckin ingrates.

What else?! Get this. So she's jumping on my back cuz I have a substance problem *coughcough*. Heeeeeeeeey Miss Joe! Remember last year when I had to carry your ass out of the woods with two of your kids and your gay friend, and it took us like a whole half an hour to go literally 100 feet? Because you were so fuckin wasted? Remember when you used to throw little parties with your gay friends and drink all the time, or come back home puking and shit? Yeah, I do. You don't, apparently. Get this- I tell this broad that I got a beer, cuz she's in a rut and I feel bad, and she mentions offhand that she wishes she had a drink. So I tell her 'hey I have a 40 in the fridge I was hiding, but ya know, since you're my native momma and all and I'm supposed to love you and shit, here why don't you have some'. Suddenly, 'oh no, that's crappy beer. I can't drink that'. huh. well. Guess I don't have to worry about hiding my beer, then, right?|

That night I literally puked and diahhread til I was unable to spit anything out of my throat.

All I remember is my beer having a funny, basic kind of taste to it when I came back from the bathroom. Next thing I know, I'm purging out my innards like an Alien movie. And even after I puke, I lay down and drink water, and this shit starts foaming up my throat.

Bitch put soap or bleach in my beer.

This all happened the night her son came back in to town. Hmmmmmmm. And he needs a place to stay. It'd be convenient if Charlie was out of the house, wouldn't it? Then Eris could stay there and go right to work (oh I've been lookin for a job for months- Eris comes to Flag and his sisters hire him at their work that SAME DAY)

Yeah. This is the shit I live with.

Even when Eris came back, he was like 'man i can't believe how shitty everyone treats you!'. And he's talking about his MOM and her boyfriend! It's THAT obvious. Yet I have to keep my mouth shut. Cuz I got no options. All my friends left my ass. They're all too good for Charles 'cough syrup' Motowski. Dylan's off 'being the best man he can', and Nick's probly wishing he was a tranny then making fun of anyone that has insecurities, Lucas probly hasn't figured out he's gay yet and is still trying to suffer through Crystal using him cuz she's never gonna find anyone else. Hmm who else is fuckin rogue.... Brad, I don't know man, I mean, who am I kidding Brad... who am I kidding... yeah, I know what's right. I just choose not to do it, cuz I'm Don Juan or some shit. Hmmm Cody, probly would still be defending my ass here and there but he's probly just jumping on the bandwagon of hate with his 'furious cuz his dick is too smalll' brother Sean. cuz it's easier to do that than make a stand, and after all... what's the point? If you can just find a reason not to do something, you don't have to do it. Nothing to do with following your fucking gut and JUST LIVING AND BEING A MAAAAAAAAAAN. By the way, I have and always will LOVE your fuckin sister, I don't give a SHIT what society thinks. Thinkin of that angel still warms my soul~ hopefully Sean and Jeff haven't poisoned her with their heavy ass negativity.

I must find a place to hide.... a place for me to hide.....

Can you find me soft asylum, I can't make it, anymore... the man is at. the. door.

Rays of Violet

Look, I'm gonna be perfectly honest here.

Charles Henry Motowski II
is a sinking ship.

I don't give a fuck about the band playing or all that bullshit.

All I know is, my end is coming.
There's no way I can get a job. I'm completely unhirable. I don't know what it is, but people just don't want me to work for them... I guess they can see all the years of deception and cough syrup abuse written on my face.

I want to be so full of hate but I don't even want to give my enemies the pleasure of knowing that I gave a shit. So I bite my tongue.

I don't know what it is, something just feels like it's coming to an end... maybe it's the whole 2012 thing, or maybe it's my court date. I don't know. All I know is, I know nothing...

I've been in this relationship with this transgender chick for a fuckin long ass time. And she's finally going to London again to be with her 40yo pedofile living-on-SSI-faggot-ass limp dick boyfriend. What kind of a faggot ass little shit makes someone he SUPPOSEDLY LOVES fly halfway across the world when that person doesn't have a real career, a stable home, a diploma or GED, I mean seriously... he's a piece of shit, it's so fucking obvious. But she has these little daddy issues because her fuckin dad slept with her when she was a kid. Rested his dick between her legs and all.

Fuckin, ex-KKK nazi-fag dad (who I totally get along with for some reason (probably the inordinate amount of painkillers that fucker's jacked up on constantly every day, he must shoot more opiates than a chinese soldier in a poppy field.))

Yeah, never once did I see this bitch's house, either. How the fuck do you date someone for like a whole year, and never ONCE see the inside of their fuckin house?! SOMETHING. IS. WRONG. WITH. THOSE. FUCKTARDS!

And the time we actually lived together? Dont get me started. For one thing, she made it (yes, SHE- as in the being that possesses a pussy and boobs, and a womb(we all call those people 'shes' but... Amanda's special. She feels like she should be called a boy. And that's toooooooooo bad for everyone else!)) and anyways, she made it impossible for me to love her even when I LIVED with her, because she literally took time out of OUR day to talk to this fucker on webcam, while we were supposed to be together, as in, a fucking relationship! AND I PUT UP WITH IT, BECAUSE GOSH DOLLY, ISNT CHUCK A NICE PATIENT GUY!
HEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRES CHARLIE!
xD so cheezy
Yeah. There's a reason kids are supposed to go to school. So they don't end up like her. She's on a power trip that's never ended. Must be fuckin nice. Look bitch, God gave you a set of boobs and a pussy. You're a fucking woman whether you like it or not. Just like God pushed my ass down the stairs when I was what, 3 months old or some shit, and I cracked my skull and somehow had an IQ of 142?  How does that happen, ma? Oh yeah, you were an alcoholic wastrel at the time, just like my father, so I guess it's not your fault I FELL DOWN THE FUCKIN STAIRS AND CRACKED MY HEAD!

Fuck everyone.

Casper farted

Look man, I don't believe in ghosts. But Harrison Ford was here the other night man, and I gotta say...

CASPER WAS FRIENDLY FOR A REASON NYUGGA!! OHHHHHHHHH

lol. Alright here's the deal. I got like less than two weeks to get 300, no 400 dollars. Or else I'm going to jail! whoo hoo!!
whoohoo

Yeah, umm, I don't know what's gonna happen man. I really don't. It's a bullshit charge to begin with. I could take it to court and they couldn't do shit about it. But you know what? I'm stuck here with my butt up my thumb, wondering why the infinitron core went inverted.

I'm so sleep deprived it's not even funny. I haven't been this rattled since Jerry Garcia farted.

I don't know what is gonna happen man. I feel like everyone's tired of giving me chances. But this mother fucker hasn't even BEGUN to try! let's DO THIS SHIT!!! DO OR DIE!!!!!!!

from dust

It seems a long time since I've actually felt like... hell I can't even remember... I just know things never used to be this bad, and yeah....

Sometimes I just wonder, what the fuck am I doing wrong... why is it me, man? Why, God, am I feeling these terribly oppressive, heavy feelings, and why are you making it so hard for me to do what I want to do...

I just feel like everything is lost. You know that feeling when you fucked up on a game and you're like 'alright well i'll just do whatever cuz i might as well die and reload this shit anyways...'

I'm so TIRED of this SHIT.

I'll do my own fuckin shit. The Government can kiss my fuckin ass! I ain't givin it another FUCKIN DIME for a crime that i DIDNT DO! I WILL TAKE THIS SHIT TO COURT!

Everything I do, I must do for myself. It pains me, lol... for what more nobler an escape than to dedicate thine cause and soul to another's? At least you have direction. Like being in the military I guess.

I just gotta say though, I never would have imagined that the world would be like this. Capable of fulfilling our very inner wishes and granting us seemingly endless euphoria, and yet with that same hand, beating us in our moments of joy and pleasure until we beg for another treat.

I tire of such cyclic torture.

Numb and Number

I feel cut off from all emotion, all possibilities... numb to all but the awareness of that incapability- that numbness. If it is cold, I do not feel it... I only know the lack of feeling... and know that something once sacred is now lost, something holy, stained by evil.

I feel but a shadow of my former self.

Ahhhh I need to chill out...

I really hope I get this job tomorrow. I'm gonna be on my best. I'm gonna shower today and tomorrow, gonna get all the hard to reach spots on my neck, shave real nice... stretch and work out today and tomorrow and maybe even jog a little on my way over there.

I know I have committed many sins, done many misdeeds. But I am no darker than the judge in the courthouse, the politiciian that directs the flow of our money (and our lives), or the beggar on the corner with nary a tooth to smile. I am nothing, I am dust in an interminable wind that knows not mine entity nor mine sorrowful, serruptitious soul, which it whips worrilessly about with wanton wimsical wrecklessness.

Heh, I mean if ya gotta complain about shit ya might as well complain well, eh. Like Don Juan or Castaneda or whatever said- if tying your shoe is what gets you hit by the boulder, or what saves you from wandering into it's deadly path, the best you can do is tie your shoe pretty fuckin good.

Well, I'm getting into a funk. I like the flow but not the direction ya digg... time to switch streams~

Later potaters~

namaste compadres~

alright people. i'm out. just wanted to say hi.

lates!

Sailors~

ohh man. what a day.

i... i have begun a spectacular journey.

who knows where it will take me =)

i hear my train a comin

After staying up all night, I realized something.

How I feel after staying up all night without sleep... this must be how most people feel on a daily basis.

I mean I feel way more connected and alive, it's weird. Maybe I've been getting too much sleep lol. Or maybe we are just supposed to push ourselves a little every now and then like this... (herpa friggin derpa) xD

God I feel weird. I'm gonna upload something I wrote recently. I'll type it up right now...

Actually I gotta go meet someone... hell, if anything it's nice having steady sex. Been goin on a while now... can't complain. There's always friggin room for improvement.

^_^ we all gotta be good at somethin i guess heh

lates~

What's in a wonder ball?

I find myself facing the greatest battle of my life... for what is not the greatest moment of our lives, but that which we realize our exact place in the universe?

Heissenberg's Uncertainty Principle (or some bullshit). You can't know the exact location, direction, and speed(momentum) of an object. Because by the time you find (at most) two of them, the third has changed. It's as close to quantifying time as we've ever come.

That said, it's impossible to cognate one's own place in life. Yet isn't that what we are pressured to do? Relentlessly since the day we are born? Such a chaotic, unyielding struggle, it is. Duality is the primal nature of the universe, or at least, mankind's conception of it.

Still. Ain't no excuse for this shit. I need a job. I've been playing the shit out of Darksiders 2 and Final Fantasy XIII-2- both of which are severely underrated in my opinion, D2 moreso (I mean, yes, Xiii-2 isn't on par with the classic rpgs. Earthbound, FF6, FF5, FF7, FF8, FF9, pwns it as far as I'm concerned)(even FFX lol)- but it's time to get the FUUUUUUUCK out of this shit! I'm so sick of it! And you know what? I'm a grown ass man, nigga. If I don't like my shit, I eat different food til it's the color I want. Ya digggggg~

And THAT said, I'm still friggin around on the library computer, waiting for the most lovely being in the universe to come around off of work.

Please, anyone reading this. Please... I beg of you... GIVE ME A JOB. PLEASE! I SWEAR TO CHRIST'S LIMP WRISTS THAT MY ASS WONT RUN OFF OR QUIT. PLEASE JEEEEEEESUS I NEED A CHANCE, JUST THIS ONE CHANCE, TO TURN THE MOMENTOUS TIDE~

wish me luck... I wish you love~