ensignia

Alright, so I'm hell bent on joining the military to turn my life around for the good of my woman and family~

*sob story*

*everyone applauds*

*note- details not expressed

-_-m

An Expanded Blog Entry on Current Worries and Things~

So it's been a pretty eventful past little while for me... went to Drill, got my hair cut almost down to baldy-status, and have been on the straight-and-narrow for a while now.

I've been reading a lot, blowing through a couple hundred pages a day on this series by David B. Coe called Winds of the Forelands. It's pretty damn captivating, I get really sucked into all the political and romantic intrigue. By the end of the last book of the series though I had grown pretty tired of his routine plot developments but this second book is kickin a lot of butt.

I've been eating really well, and sleeping a LOT. Both me and my girl. I mean one day I slept like 14 hours, and yesterday it was like 10. And that's coming from a cat that usually runs on 4-5 for weeks on end.

My ma is seeing to it that my tax returns get mailed here; my buddy who has the check in Flag didn't have even enough money to mail it to me. I'm not sure what to think of that, I think he's angry at me, but... can I blame him? I've asked his family to watch my damn car for like the past five months now, and before that I was living with them for free for months on end, during late fall-early winter.

I'm moving forward with my life and all but I'm a nervous wreck. I have a lot of doubts and worries, ya know. On my on-days like earlier today I'm pretty level-headed and determined, even enthusiastic. But when my energy levels drop or I'm in a bad mood, I get obsessively worried... Thank God for my patient girlfriend, she hears me out and offers me a good surface to reflect on. She can't really say too much, I mean, we're a lot alike but experience-wise we're vastly different, but she still encourages me and tells me it'll be alright... Thank God for her, for reals...

At least I have her...

I am worried about my car. I feel like it's a faithful hound dog, waiting for me to come back... Only I don't think I can... dammit. It's technically possible, but only if my parents pay for my ticket out there. I'd get an oil change and replace the driver-side window, and buy a spare tire, and have about fifty bucks left over after gas for food and stuff. This is if I want to go there, get it, and drive it back out here. It's 1600 miles and I got enough money for like 2100 ya know. It'd be skimming it for sure...

The only thing is, I'm wondering if it's really worth it. My parents don't really care about the car, and the only sentimental stuff in it is old blankets and notebooks. And some stuff my buddy in prison left me.

But with all the money it'd cost to do that, I could just buy a new engine for my girl's car and get that working again. Without having to bum another train ticket off my parents and due all that strenuous driving, hoping to God the car makes it.

It just fuckin kills me though... it's been such a faithful car. It's saved my damn life and gone on more adventures with me than any of my friends, hell it's been there for me more than them, too. I have a lot of memories with that little beast...

It's like having a friend dying of an illness YOU gave him, and you can't even afford the time of day to go see him and give him the antidote. Or really, it's more like my previous metaphor- it's like your faithful doggy, waiting at home in an empty house, looking at the door every day, just waiting happily for you to get back home to him... God it just fuggin KILLS me.

And after all this time that Cody's been lookin after it, now what? I just tell him I can't get it?

Once I'm out of bootcamp/AIT though, I'll have a couple grand to throw down on a used car. And in the meantime me and Becca will have hers...

The one thing that's scary about driving cross-country in a car with no driver's-side window, without a gun or means to defend myself-?

Pulling over and sleeping... and not falling asleep behind the wheel. But most importantly, pulling over in some shady off-ramp or even a rest area, and kicking back for a snooze. It ain't worth dying for, ya know.

Fugg it. I'll talk to my ma and see what she thinks... hell she probly wouldn't even be down to get me a train ticket out there if she knew it was to ride my car back out here to Indy.

~~~

Other than that car business, not much else going on. I got one drill date to make up- and it's easy stuff. I just gotta work with my Sargeant at the recruiting place and do menial tasks. I can do it like any day of the week, it's pretty chill. So no stress there...

I got that check coming- I can't wait. I can give Becca's dad a couple hundred for her car engine, so we can get it fixed. Maybe once we do that I'll buy her a treat... it'll be an awesome surprise- a CD player for her car lol. She's been wanting one for so freaking long, God she'd really love that~

It's beautiful out here in Indy right now. I should go out and enjoy it... get a tan while my hair's still short lol.

Once my check gets here, I can at least take my girl out to eat at a fast food place... enjoy myself a little before heading off to boot camp on the 2nd.

Man that shit's creepin up on me... just two, three more weeks.

Hot damn...

Man it sucks. I cut my hair at my first drill... they made me go into the bathroom and had some guy who's supposed to be my 'battle buddy' cut my hair.

Talk about a fuckin insult. I had no scissors and they told me to use this rusty, broken ass electric razor.

I'm starting to regret my decision to join the military... it's such a bunch of fucking fake bullshit.

I'm so lost right now, I don't know what to do.

I don't even know if I want to be with this girl who I'm with right now... I

I knew it'd happen- I got everything I always wanted and it still just ain't enough.

I always wanted to love someone, to be loved by someone- anyone- and be in a relationship. I've longed for girls who never loved me my whole life, and now that I'm in a relationship with someone who wants to be with me, it's like I just want OUT.

And the amazing thing is, it's really not that clear to me. It's not clear whether she's good or bad or whether I'm just being picky or whether I really am right or not. I'm so fuckin lost, it's nuts...

I can't wait to be in boot camp, to get my head cleared of all this. I just gotta keep moving forward with my life, whether with her or without her. I can't focus on this shit too much, or it gets all tangled and entwined and confused, knotted up in a ball so I don't know which way I'm yanking.

For the first time in a while I don't have that clarity of mind with which I've been plagued for years. For too long I've known only too well all my faults and shortcomings, my bad luck and stupidity. Now I don't know what I'm doing or which way I'm going ya know... it's nuts. It's just so fuckin nuts man...

I just wanna be happy. But I don't wanna settle for anything less than the best. And at the same time I don't wanna be too hasty and cut off something that, turns out, is actually good. Isn't it ridiculous?

Just gotta let shit slide... I know it's heavy but as long as I don't think about it except in fleeting glances, it's manageable. I can't let this shit overwhelm me and cloud my heart and my judgment. I'm joining the military in less than a month- in a couple of weeks I'll be in boot camp.

It's just... have ya ever really wanted something, like really deeply just passionately wanted this thing, no matter what anyone tells you, no matter how many times it fucks you over or proves how bad it is for you and how you shouldn't want it? But you keep reaching for it no matter what, you keep wanting it in the back of your mind, you just can't help but lust for it?

I have that feeling a lot in my life... it's deeply rooted. It's probably because I never had the childhood I felt like I deserved or some stupid shit like that. It's like, I've been up and down this path so many times, it's hopeless to start looking for old footprints from years ago, now, after so long and so much wear and tear, but that's what I know I'll have to do some day.

ohh these times are hard

yeah they're drivin me crazy~

I swear it seems like every day I'm just...

Wasting away...

I gotta put a foot down, but it's impossible~

(praying for bootcamp)

gettin through a shitty band, gettin dog shit on my hand...

Ahhh I love animals. I love animals more than people.

I wish Pups would come out n play!

I've gotta get on ChaCha n make money... I don't really feel like it but I kinda have to. We're broke...

Hope shit's going well on the other side of infinity for my homeslices far away who're readin~!

Much love~

PS I've been invited to play in a band, as bassist. It's this friday, we're gonna jam. my buddy Cody Bambrough's the one sendin the invite. ROCK ON~!