It remains a mystery...

Today is a new day. I was sleeping all yesterday, all through the day. I just got up like an hour and a half ago. Went and did the dishes, jammed out with the broom, stuffed my face... Now I'm sitting here thinking, thinking, thinking...

Bout what? Whaaaaaaddya think, jesus? 

Bout my life, the future (or lack thereof), and dex. 

I want to have that feeling I have when I'm tripping, like everything's going good. And I don't want to have to trip to have it. 

When it boils down to it, I have only one thing to do. I have to get a job.

If I have a job, that'll change everything.

Honestly I'm considering whether I want to run away back to Flagstaff and escape this escalating responsibility or whether I have the ability to man up and do what needs to be done to keep this flame alive.

Ain't that terrible? I never thought that I'd be the one to try and duck out of a relationship. I've always wanted a relationship, always dreamed of finding real love. Now that I'm in a position to maintain both, I'm itchy to get out of it.

I don't feel too bad about being honest about it. What fucks people over is when they're not honest, and they refuse their feelings. I mean we're all heading in the same direction, the only difference between us is where we get hung up on the way. I'd rather live in complete honesty and embrace any challenges that arise out of that path, than get stuck and held up by dishonesty.

What do I do? I've applied at a ton of places. I just haven't called them back and tried to follow through. I'm usually so high I end up not giving a fuck or worrying about it. It just slips by day by day, til eventually it's too late to revive the link.

I've been a shitty boyfriend. My girl's been trying to be intimate with me but I just haven't been in the mood. I can't be all lovey-dovey when I got all this shit to worry about! 

It's stupid cause I've been down this path before and thought I figured out how to handle it. Acid made me realize that worrying about stuff is inefficient in terms of actually dealing with your situation. I need to loosen up... I need to loosen up...

Mmmm heh I feel a little better. Just recognizing your own heaviness can be... enough.

I've been watching Investigation Discovery Channel the past couple of days lol. It's driving me NUTS!

It's kind of making me sick xD

ribbons of euphoria

So in one bit of news, I got a camera.

It was just like sixty bucks, it's a 10mp Olympus battery-powered lil beast of a photo-machine lol. I really digg it, pretty much the only thing that's not super-rad about it is the display on it, it ain't very high rez but if you're slightly confident in your photography skills, it's not a big deal. It has a lot more options for customization than any Sony camera I've used, for sure.

So overall pretty content with the purchase... A very awesome person sent me some much-needed financial assistance yesterday, which me and my gal promptly devoured. I told her I didn't wanna waste the money this time, though, and I'd been talking about how much I wanted a camera so she pushed me to just settle on a less-than-14mp/120$-pricetag camera. I'm glad she did, since compromising slightly on the price of the camera is gonna enable me to get a guitar with my tax returns.

It drives me nuts, I mean I shouldn't be getting ANYTHING right now right? I'm living with her at her parents' house and the only thing we got going for us is our drive to get into college together. We're taking the SATs in about two weeks, I can't wait. It seems a little silly for a dude my age to be taking the SATs but most people probly don't have a high school record like mine xD

In deeper and more relevant news (as far as my brain and stress levels go), I recently completed five straight days of sobriety... hell yeah. No weed, no alcohol, and most importantly, no DXM. I ended up splurging last night on a trip each for me and my lady, and I'm a little bummed today that the party's already over, but God it's nice not being retarded like that shit makes me.

I wanted to have a kind of adventure for us, so we went to the Chinese buffet down the street. We both agreed it'd be pretty rad to go all trippin on dex, so I threw down like ten bucks for the cause and we drank up before going in for food.

We were coming up as we sat there, working on a plate of food each... The nausea in my stomach seemed nothing special, just the pre-trip jitters. But it quickly went south. Instead of spreading the nausea down and eventually dissipating like usual, it stayed there in my stomach, and I soon realized a puke-session was imminent...

The bad thing is the waiters were all friendly and shit, like we had a pretty good time just chillin and talkin and shootin the shit, but I felt really scrutinized (it was a small restaurant and I swear the only other people eatin there worked there) and I felt bad about not being able to finish my food ya know... It was good, my stomach just was sending me the most obvious and dire messages lol. At one point I was one bite away from spewing all over the freakin table and just booking it outta that shit xD

I don't know, I could go on but pretty much, a couple minutes later both me and my girlfriend were tuned into the realization that I could probably do a better job chewing my food hahah ^^

Part of the inspiration for getting the camera came from us looking at my gnarly, colorful and chunkalicious barf splashed across the parking lot by her car heheh. Like it woulda been an epic pic, and it just made no sense we didn't have a camera or anything to share this shit with the world.

Yeah overall it wasn't a great trip. I spent most of it preoccupied with anxious shit, especially because we went to her best friend's wedding, and her fiancee/nowhusband is someone I really don't respect or have a lot of confidence in as a person, so I felt real uncomfortable being there.

It sucks talking about this shit but alas, shit's true.

This trip made me realize how much I wanna get the fuck outta here and go to school though. I can't wait to be back in beautiful, familiar Flagstaff, where you can't get lost driving around because there's a FUCKING MOUNTAIN right there for navigation! God I hate driving around here, it's so flat and wide-open, everything looks the friggin same and all the roads are named/numbered the exact fuggin same...

I spent like an hour just driving all around the country tryin to find this bitch's house and my girl was trippin and couldn't give me helpful directions over the phone... I was so fuckin frustrated by the sheer helplessness of it, God it made me miss my beautiful simple mountain town... Where you can walk anywhere from anywhere and meet cool people along the way, or just hit up the mountain and walk around in the light of God's brilliance til true inspiration strikes you.

I ain't gonna trip today and I don't plan on tripping again for another couple weeks. Sobriety ain't too bad, it's pretty much just learning to utilize all your extra energy that was previously blown tripping balls. The hard part is dealing with the reality of your situation, not being able to just feel good about whatever shit you're being fed. It's the only way to real progress though, I mean constant tripping is just like hanging a carrot in front of your tread mill... one you won't ever reach but makes you feel like you're always just about to.

Well enough reminiscing on shit.

I downloaded a playstation emulator and Star Ocean: The Second Story.

I need a fucking job. I don't have shit for confidence but I'll do whatever I have to fuckin do.

Hell who am I kidding, life itself is like chasing that carrot on a treadmill. Tripping just makes you realize that shit xD lotta good that knowledge does though eh.

In the words of a man more rad than myself;

~Fuck it, fight it- it's all the same...

The guy who invented the KKK was black

Shit ain't going so great.

First off, I might be losing my job at ChaCha. I have no idea why, I'm guessing they just finally realized I'm sharing a debit card with my girlfriend (who also works there) and they're just trying to make sure I'm not one person with two accounts.

Second, I've been sober for days. It's been like four days I think..? I also haven't been getting enough sleep, so without tripping to keep me in a good mood, I've been fuckin gruuuuumpy and snappy... I don't care though I'm not tripping. I'm glad I've made it this far... I've got too many fuggin problems right now to just dex it all away >_< Which brings me to my next point...

I don't know if I should even be talking about this shit online. But no one reads this shit anyways.

Things haven't been 'wonderful' with me and the lady. Lots of fighting, followed by both of us being nice, until one of us blows up on something (usually her) and it goes right back to the fighting. I just don't know if this is what I want. I don't know if this is love, I don't. There's so much fuckin stress on us right now. I can't STAND living with her dad, that's my main issue. He's violent, he's unpredictable, he says I can talk to him about everything but the moment Becca complains about me or gets upset (happens a lot) then there's this sense of dread that overtakes me because in the end, that guy is totally unstable/unpredictable. He yells at Becca like a child, it's like he's a fuckin child, incapable of keeping his cool. It freaks me out, it's like at any moment Becca can pull one of her 'i want you to go back to Arizona, this isn't gonna work' acts, and then BAM Daddio is on my ass, getting in our fucking business. He says it's because me and her fighting is too disruptive to him and his wife, and becca's sisters. I can understand that. It's just, what the FUCK do you think I can do about it?! It's not like I have an apartment in fucking Indiana I can just go back to. Even in Flagstaff, I have nothing. No job, no money, no place to go.

My life is completely fucking nuts right now. We all think that about ourselves, I know. But tell me this, do most people NOT have a place to call home? Do they NOT have people that love them or at least care about them around them? I have no one here. If shit goes bad with Becca, you know what I do? I hide. I go under the bed with a blanket, or hide behind pillows behind the couch and cry, because there isn't SHIT i can do out here, I'm totally powerless. All I can do is run back 'home' to Flagstaff.

What's home? Some friends who never hang out with me?

I don't know what to do, but I don't feel like it's 'right' out here. I don't feel good out here, I don't like the direction my life is going anymore. I hate being in a relationship, this is the most bullshit i've ever had to deal with... and what are the plusses? Steady sex is great but sex has never been a priority to me. I've been single my whole life, the only sex partners I need are built into my body lol. I just wanna be happy, but even more important is I wanna be content. I wanna know that at the end of the day, I'm doing what I want and that I'm trying my hardest.

It's like, what the fuck could I do to make my situation better out here? God dammit, I've been applying for colleges everywhere... me and Becca were supposed to be going to Flagstaff to go to NAU in the summer but her FUCKING dad talked her out of it. 'I don't think you're ready to be that far from home', etc etc. Maybe he's right. But give her a fucking chance man. Give US a fucking chance. If she can't handle being away from home, what the fuck kind of relationship are we gonna have? I can't live here with her parents and family, not for much longer.

That's why I'm really, really considering going back to Flagstaff with my tax return money. It's so fucked up, it's so much bullshit, but there's nothing else I can do. Even if I got a job out here, what's the point? We can't get a place on one person's income. And I'm not working two jobs, I'd rather be single than that shit. That's no fucking life. Nothing is worth slaving away like that. I'd have to be high on dxm CONSTANTLY to even find an ounce of worth in a life like that. I'd be miserable constantly. It wouldn't last long. And even then it's like, what so we have a place to live in away from your parents. What now? What are we working towards?

She just told me less than a few hours ago that she isn't gonna be going to school. That's what blows my mind. It's like, what the hell do you think we're gonna do with our lives if we're not going to school babe? I've been in the 'real world' outside of mommy and daddy's, and I know how much of a fuckin dead end it all is. You can work at a place for years, get tons of pay raises, and promotions, and you still won't be making a quarter of what you could make at an entry level position with a bachelor's degree in anything.

Not in this country.

I don't know what to do, I have nothing here, nothing in Flagstaff (admittedly I do have some really good friends, like family, actually more than that lol), but you know what? If our relationship is just gonna be these intermittent periods of violence followed by a brief calm before the next storm, then I ain't afraid to do what's best for me. Indiana is cold as fuck. Flagstaff is also cold as fuck, but the difference is I know that town and I HAVE A CAR OUT THERE. If I have to sleep in my car, I got my thermal sleeping bag and blankets, I got places I know I can park, I mean I know that town better than any other place I've ever been. I can make it without having a job out there until I can go to college.

I need to get into college, it scares the shit outta me not knowing what direction my life is going. I'm going to school this year whether Becca goes with me. Right now my priorities are to get a handle on my future. I've gotta do something, anything to make my life better than the 'barely living' 'just getting by' shit it is right now.

Well my gal's waking up and I got a lot to talk to her bout.

~namaste

Another turning point, a fork stuck on the road

I'm takin another stab at sobriety... my last attempt was a laughing-stock.

It's gonna suck today, for the first day, but... if I can just make it through the day, tomorrow will be a ton easier, I know it.

I'm just gonna play on the computer and mellow out.

Maybe blog a little later when I'm in the mood...

Much love,

~namaste

I'm a loser baby, so why don't ya kill me..?

My gal's showing me some pictures of her when she was younger (is it possible? lol). Man sometimes I feel bad about dating a 16-year-old but it's like, FUCK society! Fuck whatever is making me feel bad about being with this awesome girl! Fuck all that shit! I will- well, let's just say if anyone gives me shit about it when I go back to Flag, they're probly gonna be doing it when I'm not around and they're gonna be telling each other not to say a single fuckin word of it around me, because they know I'll crush their balls through their eye sockets and choke them with their own dicks if anyone talks shit.

I bet Nick and Dylan would be the ones to joke about that shit. Especially Nick, but who's he to talk about love interests. The dude's into trannies and chicks with dicks, from what he told me last. And Dylan... well if he can get in a relationship and maintain it good for him, he's got a lot of drive but I don't see him putting it anywhere ya know. When he wants to do shit he gets it done, that's for sure, but he just ain't doing shit.

Doing more than I am, I guess. At least he's probly making money. Blowing it on drugs and intense activities like snowboarding, but at least he's making money.

I can't wait to be going to school man. Put this shit in motion... God damn.

My soon-to-be father-in-law is gonna get me an application for Quiznos, where he has a hookup with the manager. I really want this fuckin job, I really need the money. I can't stand having no money, sitting with my thumbs up my ass looking up shit on the New World Order, Bildeberg group, George Soros and all that bullshit.

I know, a lot of cussing in this post. I'm not in a very... eloquent writing mood~

~~~~~~

What are some of the things I wanna get with that money?

Well, first off I'm getting 400$ in tax returns. Fifty is going to my buddy Cody as an early birthday present, that's for sure. That cat's been watching out over my car for the past couple months, I mean I owe his ass... hmm I wonder if there's any PSP games I could get him.

Then I'm gonna take fifty out for me and my girl, and the rest is gonna be for paying for my car insurance. My old man's been paying that shit up til now, and it's about time I grew some balls and took the reigns finally.

It's good to plan this stuff out, it feels really good.

I'm gonna check out some upcoming PSP titles that I could get my buddy, shit, I should just log into Perfect World and ask him about the state of his PSP xD it's usually a work in progress...

Much love, blogocity, until we meet again~

Just Don't Feel Too Good or Bad

What's new with me today eh?

Well to start with...

I've done only less than half of what I usually do in terms of drug usage both today and yesterday... been doing a lot of stretching and working out. I've also been eating pretty good...

Applied for a couple more places online for jobs. I wish I could just get hired somewhere, doing fukkin anything. I wanna make some money so I can get a guitar, a computer, and some games... God damn... I'm so fuckin bored out here at my girlfriend's place. All I have is her fuckin laptop to get on, and her sister's Xbox but she's usually on it or using it at her friend's house. And then my girlfriend gets pissed at me when I'm on the computer but there ain't shit else to do around here...

I don't have my usual inspiration to do dungeons and dragons or read or write >_< I just feel burnt out, like every time I start doing that shit I just think too much about it and it becomes a chore. I wanna play on Perfect World with Cody, my buddy in Flagstaff. He hooked me up with half a million gold and I'm pretty much fuccin set til max-level lol. I got a lot of hours to go and I can have totally pimped out gear the whole time. 

Being sober sucks, I've got too much brain power. It leaves me with too much brain power to think about negative shit, I just wanna get high so it preoccupies me and lets me be at peace.

We went out to these gas stations and this grocery store and pretty much the only reason I went out was so I could steal some cough medicine from this store, but then my girlfriend went in with me so I couldn't steal anyways. I wasn't gonna even do cough syrup tonight but she came home with two bottles and offered me one and it pretty much just flipped the switch in my head. Now I'm coming down from it and I just feel fuckin edgy... I know how easy it is to go and steal but I don't wanna let my girl down and I figure I might as well just stay here and be sober anyways... I'm just wasting time til I'm tired enough to fall asleep anyways =/

Just don't feel too good or bad, it's shitty. 

That's about it, later bloggety~

This one's for the J's

Alright, I might as well mark it. Today is the day that I officially quit DXM.

DXM has had a huge influence in who I am... I started to trip on this shit back around the time I was getting into pushups and situps and yoga... silly to talk about, but it's the troof.

I used to take a bottle, put on some shorts and go jogging around the golf course. For the past year or so I've just been doing it regardless of anything else in my life, it's always been the one consistent thing I've done... 

I mean I don't even know how to feel. Just a couple minutes ago, me and my gal were standin outside appreciating the sunrise, and I realized, God it's been a while since I've felt this way... 

I'm so scatterbrained right now, things'll get better, I know, but... I can't imagine all that shit hasn't done some permanent damage.

Finding things to do...

I know it probably sounds nuts to a sober person or to, well, relatively normal people, to hear someone have a problem with finding things to do with all their spare time, but I can honestly say that's one of my big problems. I have so much free time on my hand, and it seems like I've done nothing with my life for so long. Even if I was just getting into something dumb like playing video games or researching my favorite bands, God I mean anything would be better than just sitting on my ass, high as hell, switching between facebook and my cough syrup forums all day.

Yesterday I was getting into Led Zeppelin, the Yardbirds, CCR, I mean a whole bunch of bands that I've listened to but never really gotten to know, and it was really cool expanding my knowledge for once. I even downloaded an emulator and tried playing some Legend of Zelda: Link to the Past and that was a trip in itself. I remember when I was all into emulating, playing classic games, making playlists and researching old music. 

Being productive, I think is the term heheh. A lot of times when I'm tripping I'll try and get into something but I'll be really heavy about it, like I'll really break it down psychologically so much that by the time I actually start doing it, I'm so worn out by the sheer weight of it all that I lose interest.

I used to get high and go to the mountain, where I'd take pictures, or write poetry, or just write in my journal and meditate on my life. I'd put on headphones and walk around town, read at the library or Hastings/Bookmans, hang out with friends and philosophize, shit like that. Party at night, meet new people or get to know some old friends even better... Shit was just expanding ya know. I've been sitting on my ass for a while... it feels like I've been recovering from some kind of damage I've done to myself...

I'm gonna admit something I have been thinking about lately. This girl I used to be really... well I was kind of obsessed with her and I didn't even really realize it. I thought I was just being romantic but really it was being clingy and I really feel bad about it... a lot of my old blogs are just, me thinking about her way too much and honestly it's kind of creepy shit, unless you've spent a day in my shoes. It really makes me look like a weirdo... it just sucks cuz a lot of my old blogs are important to me, like they're like snapshots of me and my progress as a person at different points of my life, and I want to hold on to them, I just... don't think I'm gonna keep them in the public annals of history ya know. I have them on Myspace right now, and my profile is just shared with my friends, people who know me and know that it was just a weird phase/part of my life, people who aren't gonna judge me for it. I digg that.

It's too late to try and tell her I'm sorry though. If I tried to contact her she'd probly just be weirded out by it and scared that I was stalking her or something. The best thing I can do is not contact her... just like someone else in my life who will go unnamed.

I've never had bad intentions, ya know? I was just a good thing who didn't know what he was doing, and who was a little tainted from being mistreated and abused, himself. I've been trying to be a better person, I fuckin really have, and not for anyone else, just for myself. The world can go fugg itself sometimes, that's how I really feel, like I really am pretty full of myself sometimes / too much but ya know, this is who I am, and until I learn otherwise or find it in my heart to really change, I'ma keep doing the things I do. I don't wanna be a drag on myself ya know. I wanna be light and free, it's just finding that shit that weighs me down that's hard. Once I find it, I can whittle that anchor away til it's gone for good, I'm brilliant at that, it's just finding it in the first place that's difficult.

Well this has been a pretty nice lil blog. I'll post a share link on my facebook to try and get some traffic onto it. Maybe I'll find some cats who also blog on Google or other blog sites to connect with. My buddy Anthony from back in Elementary school, I told him to get on writing a blog, I should ask him how that's moving along...

Just gotta keep on keepin on, keep on trying, keep on loving, keep on living ya know. That's what's up~! ^_^m

egoless egotist

I'm in no position to be talking about myself- I'm a dissociative freak; a cough syrup junkie of four years who hides behind a mask of honesty and self-degradation, whose twisted features are so tragically, permanently skewed that a mask is an honor, a privilege.

Alright that's some dramatic shit. Seriously though

I'm recovering from a lifestyle involving heavy substance dependency... I'm not gonna hide from it or shout it out loud, I'm just gonna put it out there.

I'm a little afraid of how things are gonna be but I'm also really excited, like, genuinely, 'fresh-sunshine-first-thing-in-the-morning' inspired kind of hopeful~!

I have my love of my life with me here at my side, I'm not scared. I trust her judgment, should all else fail. It's good to know I got someone there who has my back.

The first 'thing' about recovery is... admitting you have something to gain. And admitting you have something to lose.

God, the universe is expanding.

I feel tainted, impure, untrue, like I'm trying to be a virgin but failing horribly, just by opening my mouth. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired, I just wanna fly away~

Eventually, all our words are gonna become lyrics. Eventually, all those lyrics are gonna merge into one song. And eventually, we will all be singing... that's my hope, my dream.

I'm scatterbrained, like someone took a paintball gun to a screwdriver, err, vice versa.

I have a twisted kind of uncomfortable feeling in my stomach, like I don't belong. I feel scrutinized but I know I shouldn't, the only one I should be worried about watching me is God and her gaze is beautiful and full of love :o)

My girl's thinkin some crazy shit about God and the origin of life right now, I can't really digg it, it's too precise and in a weird direction, like a cult or something. I just believe what I experience, that's the infallible truth, is experience.

Whether you trust others' experiences or not is another question. That's up to you entirely... People have said I'm gullible, and sometimes I do feel like that kid on Where the Red Fern Grows, but I believe in pure honesty and transparency and truth. That's brilliant, that's love, and that's as solid as it gets man.

We're watching Where the Red Fern Grows again, right now. I watched it by myself last night cuz she passed out and I was bored on the laptop, I needed some background stuff going on.

I like old movies like this, with old values and shit. That's where it's at man, history's full of the same battles and wars we're fighting today, it just might come in a different pattern or color is all. Still on the same floor mat on God's doorstep.

I'm not a religious man but I am very spiritual, I do reflect a lot on God and the brilliance of God, I'm just not keen to calling her by another name than God. Lord, Almighty, Massa, that's all bogus but it's at least words that we can reach to to help us climb up to get a better view of her. And I do believe God is a woman, or at least feminine- everything is inherently feminine unless it becomes male by a minor chromosomal changeup.

You do gotta meet God halfway.

garr scravy things!

Today, I am literally so completely destroyed and burst at the seams that... *snorrrrrrre*

that's what i'm gonna do as soon as i close my eyes. i'm countin on it. i don't care about us being married or all that intense shit, it's just words at the end of the day ya know. like, i can't even keep my ead up but 'll be back!

It only takes one spark

Sometimes the words I want to put down feel just too damn heavy to even let out there... but I know if they're that bad, they better get out right now, ya know? There's no sense in having pent-up badness filled inside you. A lot of times it feels like I should just keep my mouth shut and just move on, but I don't, I speak, or I write, and usually, it defeats that worry and trepidation.

I just finished reading Robert T. Bakker's masterpiece novel, Raptor Red, and I gotta say, it feels like the times I've finished reading it in the past as a boy... it feels good, like I've just been enriched and brought down to a more basic, fundamental level.

I've also just hit the bong, so that might be contributing to the- dare I say?- cautious movements of my fingers across the keyboard.

It's as if I'm afraid of what I might produce should I let my creativity flow... what deep-seeded memories root themselves in this unwanted behaviour, that I should feel myself trembling at the thought of... what?

A famous cat- and I suppose he must be famous to have had his voice heard by me- once said that a writer should be wary of starting too many of his or her paragraphs with the letter I. It reveals a focus, a heavy-centeredness of the writer that repels the reader. I'm always wary of that whenever I'm typing now, but I don't ever seem to pick it up when I read. Which leads me to wonder, do I just not read books written by self-absorbed loonies or are they just tuned into the same trick I am?

A lot of times writing can seem like it's just pushing out into the darkness, not knowing what you'll find. But when you finally flip the lightswitch you look back and just marvel at all the pitfalls and mouse traps you've somehow lucked out of hitting this time.

But you can't be led to a halt by what you see, you've got to just move on into the next dark room, lighting up more and more of this dusty old mansion as you proceed.

Maybe I just watched too much Scooby Doo! I don't know! But people tell me I look like Shaggy, and I can do a spot-on impression of him, too.

I've come to realize I'll always feel a slight disconnect from the people around me. That's what makes them, them, and me- you know.

The scattered shortness of my paragraphs reveals the intrinsic blindness with which I write today. I'm just shooting shit out in the open like it's nobody's business. But something is pressing me, pressing me to leave, right now. Something is telling me to go to the store and get some more drenk. And at the same time, that struggle finds confliction, another command directing me to do the opposite. To stay here and ride this one out. 

And so I know this conflict is something that is going on inside of me; for if it were an outward motion, a true struggle, I would find my opponent coming not from any rationalization or deduction, but from straight in front of me, in this crazy world we all live in. This conflict is a choice, and a far-reaching choice, indeed.

For if I leave now and get the syrupy swill I so-slavishly seek, will I not leave tomorrow to get that same bottle, as I have done yesterday, and the day before, for months- years- hitherto? Do I crave the escape from logic's crushing weight that much? That I would add yet another craven foot to this mile-long fence of insanity..?

My mind tells me to embrace the escape fully, with the very enthusiasm with which I lack in the more rational choice.

Ahh, the ugly path is revealed now. No manner of enthusiasm or bursting drive could find me on that shadowed approach, now.

Whoah-ho, so all along my ugliness was so stunningly apparent... Ahh, well. Such a sin would not suppress the flapping of my night-craving wings, this night. I have to quote one of my poems from a few years ago that still makes itself relevant to this day:

I'm chasing a dream I've already found

Seeking a sun that's already risen...

What words could I seek now-

What comforts could it be that I'm missing?

Where do I go now, now that I am here?

This is what I wanted... how perfectly clear...

Alright, I'm gonna go get some ice cream before I lose my marbles.

Now, the question here is, am I gonna go to the store and get more chemical persuasion to further pigment these already murky convolutions?

The eternal party-monster in me says FUCK YEAH DUDE! BETTER TO BURN OUT THAN FADE AWAY!

And though the logic in it all seems totally wrong and I get that feeling that I may end up regretting it later, I am so craving that total over-the-edge enthusiasm that I honestly think I'm just gonna say 'fuck it' and dive right in~!

...Oh man, yeah, I'm a goner. I'll just tell my lady where I'm going and get these wheels rolling... Just an initial investment, just one spark, to get this flame spread wicked~

Just Started...

Well I just started this shiz, but i'm really freakin tired now...

So I'm gonna wink on out for the duration~~
Much love, all out there~