It remains a mystery...

Today is a new day. I was sleeping all yesterday, all through the day. I just got up like an hour and a half ago. Went and did the dishes, jammed out with the broom, stuffed my face... Now I'm sitting here thinking, thinking, thinking...

Bout what? Whaaaaaaddya think, jesus? 

Bout my life, the future (or lack thereof), and dex. 

I want to have that feeling I have when I'm tripping, like everything's going good. And I don't want to have to trip to have it. 

When it boils down to it, I have only one thing to do. I have to get a job.

If I have a job, that'll change everything.

Honestly I'm considering whether I want to run away back to Flagstaff and escape this escalating responsibility or whether I have the ability to man up and do what needs to be done to keep this flame alive.

Ain't that terrible? I never thought that I'd be the one to try and duck out of a relationship. I've always wanted a relationship, always dreamed of finding real love. Now that I'm in a position to maintain both, I'm itchy to get out of it.

I don't feel too bad about being honest about it. What fucks people over is when they're not honest, and they refuse their feelings. I mean we're all heading in the same direction, the only difference between us is where we get hung up on the way. I'd rather live in complete honesty and embrace any challenges that arise out of that path, than get stuck and held up by dishonesty.

What do I do? I've applied at a ton of places. I just haven't called them back and tried to follow through. I'm usually so high I end up not giving a fuck or worrying about it. It just slips by day by day, til eventually it's too late to revive the link.

I've been a shitty boyfriend. My girl's been trying to be intimate with me but I just haven't been in the mood. I can't be all lovey-dovey when I got all this shit to worry about! 

It's stupid cause I've been down this path before and thought I figured out how to handle it. Acid made me realize that worrying about stuff is inefficient in terms of actually dealing with your situation. I need to loosen up... I need to loosen up...

Mmmm heh I feel a little better. Just recognizing your own heaviness can be... enough.

I've been watching Investigation Discovery Channel the past couple of days lol. It's driving me NUTS!

It's kind of making me sick xD