Soft Asylum-? More like... Hard... Pasture O_o

Things are about to turn the fuck around for this guy.

Charles Motowski is in the field, fool, watch yo SHIT!

Yeah I feel pretty damn good. I'm gonna nail a job and get these fines taken care of, work my ass off and have some extra money, save that shit up til I got like $1200 just chillin, then I can get any freakin place I want. I'm gonna turn this shit around.

I don't know what else to say. Doubt me if you will- I know what's coming and all I gotta say is, if you ain't on this cat's ship, good luck survivin the wave broooo~

DREAX CAN LIGHT MY CANDLE ANYDAY ohhhhh

Another day of hard work... man.

Lmao it's only my like fifth day of work at this place. It's easy work~ I just need to download new music lol.

Feel really good. My muscles are pretty strained. Got a lot of stuff on my agenda for the following week. Hell I got a lot of stuff planned for life, in general.

I'm gonna do a lot of writing tonight. I wish my check had come in the mail, so I could drink and type like I like to do lol. Hell, that sounds like a plan... tomorrow night I'll have to grab a fifth of cheap whiskey and type up what I write tonight.

I gotta go home though. I'm tired, physically, and I wanna take advantage of Mike not being home so I can play some DARKSIDERS 2!! HELL YES!

God, I feel really great. Such a contrast to yesterday. I know dark times may be ahead but no matter what I'll keep progressing forward... Would I only I had more companions on this quest~

MAGIC CANDLE BEEEEEATCH! God I need a fuckin laptop. end of discussion. must get a real job.

Fuck you

I swear I could type a thousand, hundred thousand words, and it would do nothing to fill the void that is in me. I could type a million different ways, from different perspectives, languages, grammatic structures, etc. And it would not even glance the immovable, immensely dense darkness that swirls me in its tightening grasp like a black hole. It must relish in the conviction of the assured fate that awaits me.

I hate this pointless existence. I hate, knowing that my hate, itself, is a fallow, shallow reflection of the empty void that encompasses all we are. I have nothing, I am nothing, and no matter what I feel or say or what seemingly life-changing revelation may shake me from my morbidity, it will remain. And wait. With the absolute certainty of the ground looking up at the sky. Knowing soon, sometime, all will fall. It is only a matter of time.

THE MAGIC CANDLE

Another day in paradise~

I have my goals set out before me... and I am at a loss. Hmm reminds me of a poem~

On the streets where people make their business
I am at an eager loss.
I cannot be what I feel most freely
Without meeting face with backward toss.

When I am here, upon the mountain,
Away from all the nasty looks,
I can run free, laugh like a child,
Or be the hero in the books.

Is it right, to be alone-
Away from what I was brought up knowing?
What brings me back down to the city
To stop this feel-good dream from growing?

I love it so much, here, today;
I am at such peace...
What more could I, should I, say?
What greater mood could I release..?
Would that I could enervate myself wholly from the rendition of those words... perhaps such is attainable. Discipline- the application of hope through trial- through this, all is possible. Some call it Will, some call it Skill.

I dropped out of rehab. I have way too many fines to pay. I can't be holed up like the world ain't spinning around me... God I just wanna pay off these damn fines. And go to school...

Ahh yes, thus the subject of my prior indecision, al beit, my derision~

So I found out my lil sis is also taking Accounting. I say also cause I talked about doing this shit like waaaaaay... well... like half a year ago lol. The idea was in my mind the year before that but was like a valence electron, on the perimeter and often lost in transit and patriotism.

I wonder. Should I pursue English as a major? Doesn't sound too promising, financially. However it's something I could study and learn more of day after day and just feel that much better. Should I go into Computer Sciences (not as a major- fuck that theory bullgus). Its practical side- software programming, cubicle jobs, projects and lines of codes..? I could spend forever hunched at a computer learning that shit, I feel. I could zombify and do that shit all day, no sweat... and probably be pretty sound and innovative at it in the mean time.

I had thought about accounting, as well, and although I have a fondness for numbers and logic (I don't think I could be bored being a math/geometry/physics teacher) I see it more of a curiosity than even writing. Writing is closer to me than numbers... I can't profess proficiency in either, but... I don't know if I appreciate the business aspects of accounting. Math might be a good foundation for a later degree, but accounting, with its social and business implications, just seems like a sketch field. Might as well be a butcher or a tailor... or a gem cutter...

GOD I WANNA PLAY THE MAGIC CANDLE! They need to make that shit for Android. Fuck me, that would be amazing.

Well I was supposed to do shit with my time online but this is all I did. Now the library is about to close, and I don't know what I've accomplished. I gotta work, spinning this damn sign outside a mattress store across town, tomorrow.  Gotta make that money, honey~

~much love