what have i really been avoiding...

all these years..?

i've said it was depression, which is understandable, but really... perhaps it is boredom.

perhaps it is responsibility for my life. who knows... I wish I could just pick a path and stick with it. But it's impossible to just choose a path and be content. One always experiences doubt, or remorse, or just plain old wondering what 'could be'. Perhaps the sights we see on our chosen path are indeed marvelous, yet one can't help but wonder what other sights we are missing, by seeing what we do see. It is impossible for me to enjoy, fully, any given path, for that simple enjoyment carries with it a burden. I often choose to just enjoy it as much as I can, anyways, knowing I am, in some ways, inescapably ignorant.

my sight is not all-seeing, however. Just like my happiness, I must embrace it, despite knowing this. And hope that in doing so I am able to move forward...

It's unavoidable- the doubts, the uncertainty. The sadness, the depression, the anger and hate. Is it not those who believe themselves righteous that so often lay just as deeply on the other side of the spectrum..?  Is not the mountain crest as deep and far away to the lowest valley as the valley is to it..?

We could ride these tides forever, climbing at once, falling again.  We could wear the most clouded goggles of all-seeing wisdom, or shoulder the heaviest wings of freedom... for as I said, even embracing the deepest valley will only put us that much farther from the highest mountaintop.

And whether we believe ourselves right or wrong, whether drinking from the half-empty or half-full cup, or donning the blinding goggles of wisdom or flying on stone wings of 'fuck it', we are at once both ultimately right yet inescapably wrong.

As a society we attempt to agree on common values.  Yet those values themselves are at once a truth and yet a lie. Even these words I write now, seemingly brimming with self-righteous wisdom, are as phallic as they are... well, the point is made.

And so I delve the depths of these oceans, yearning for the heights of the greatest birds... just one electron on the polar opposite side of the other electron, that circles endlessly as well, searching for me in a sense, yet never getting closer nor farther. To stop this ceaseless march is to embrace death, or so they say... for none who go down that road have returned to tell the tale. How fitting, that the ultimate mystery is thought to be the end of all mystery, itself. Or perhaps the start of a brand new mystery...

Another globe of endless oceans...

Frog fist yo face, nyugga

It really hurts that my friends from so long ago haven't even given a half-shit enough about me to... well, do anything...

People say 'that's what happens when ya grow up, just buckle up and yada yada'

Right..

It's crazy.  I used to be so ecstatic about my relationships with all of them and whatnot, and now that they're gone, honestly, well, I've just found other ways to get by... and they're a helluva lot better than any way I had with them. Just goes to show ya- the truly brazen can take the worst of circumstances and turn it around into their favour.  Cuz honestly, it sucks havin ur so-called friends turn out to be shallow, hollowed-husks of half-human souls.  I know that better than anyone...

Well it's time to move forward- I'm moving in a different timescale than those tadpoles and I haven't got the patience nor energetic resources to sustain a co-habitable environment with said amphibians.

Comics on page C3

This life ain't so bad...

Hell, even in my worst- case scenarios, I end up in some... well point is, shit is what you make it.  I can be rolling in the ritz or glammin in the glitz, ya know, but...

Damn this life's been rough on me, man.  As a guy who specifically indicates he does not want any part of rough or bogus, etc, it seems that without fail I'm drawn into the most stupid and horrendous circumstances possible. 

I just hope that someday, I can really give back to this world.  I'm so friggin tired of beggin, just beggggggggggin for a little more, aye?  It really bums me out, thinking of how much shit I've taken advantage of, without even knowing it...  I fully intend to repay my kharmic debts... though I know it will bring me to a point between hate and love, happy and sad, misery and ecstasy... such is the way of shit, eh? Maybe Carl Jung had it almost in the bag- maybe this universe is pretty dualistic.  Or maybe that's just all our awareness' are capable of focusing on, so we make that our primary digression.  Somethin like that... gya, every time I'm close to that 'borderline', somethin epic just swooshes me away with its immensity so I can barely fathom it, nor remember the previous...

...alright that's a bit too in-depth.  But fuck life.  Fuck all the unbelievers and fuck all the...

ya know Jimi Hendrix once said, 'I'm the one that's got to die, when it's time for me to die- so let me live my life the way I want to'...

...'Tis foolishness! If all were so easy, why- none would suffer in this world~!

Analytically, I assault- animate things

The nature of my condition in relation to DXM-

I was a wee lad of naught 15 years of age when I first imbibed what would become my soul’s sole companion on this gnarly voyage through the cosmic wasteland known as reality.

I entreat yee, an interesting supposition- no, I remiss… it is already too late.  I tried again and again to regain the thread of thought that lead to what seemed insurmountable brilliance on my part, only to find that the way was closed… almost as if, it had never opened…

For some reason, a Russian dialect has overtaken the general compass of my mind.  It is now the navigating, aye, directing voice, and honestly, it sounds pretty good- da?

So, pre-existing neurological astrays aside, I may be the most illiterate of all autistic children in the United States.  That said, here we go.

Keep in mind that these recollections and such are coming from me as I am now- a 1000+mg/day tripper for the past seven or so years, at least.  And that’s an understatement… if you calculated the net losses of all the stores and towns I’ve robbed clean of DXM (in its proprietary form), you would have one helluva tab, man.  That’s why kharma has been sucking so friggin bad for me… that’s why I literally just feel like I’m ready to face the music….

Though, honestly, I wish I could just better myself and pay off those kharmic debts, myself, when I am financially sound.  Or at least, making enough money that such would be akin to a billionaire paying his taxes, etc.

Music nowadays shouldn’t be so crappy that you should be rewarded for coming up with something that can be nodded off as ‘acceptable’ or ‘legit’ given the right amount of presentation or bravado, or combination of both.  These niggas out here nowadays think that as long as they can hold they front, they can bang that billion-buck cunt.  But those mother fuckers are just doin what they can get away with- and even if ‘they hard’ when it boils down to it, point is the mother fuckers just some useless lumps of flesh that wanna get lazy, so they act a bit craaaaaazy, ya know what I’m sayin- we, don’t have to take shit from this rich bitches… anyone pumpin that shit only sayin they following in they grit, can’t light they own light they blind like a candleless jack- jumpin over bullshit, yeah, them niggas be WHACK

Yeah all of us capable of all the voices of this planet.  But we each our own, right now, and we resound with a poundin sound that don’t let no mother fucker down~

There are NO cats in America~!

There exists a flame inside each and every one of us.  This flame burns continually- from the brilliant moment of its (often unwelcome) inception, to the bitter last dying breath exhaled like the cool wind of the desert at night.

Fire exists in our hearts and in our souls, aye, but the true flame has yet to be grasped.  We are but sparks of the ultimate, greater combustion that will incinerate all in its volcanic vulge of ecstasy and venom-resonate volleros~

A man once told me, “Ya gotta walk the walk, and talk the talk.  And when ya walk, ya walk tall, and proud, and carry a big stick.  And I will SHOOT any mother fuckin’ tweakers or niggers that come around here, tryin’ to get into my shit!”

That’s a hard cup of fire to swallow. Especially being a borderline tweaker, myself.  No, I never hit the shit- well, okay, maybe once, err, twice… But hell, if that was the least of my worries I’d be a happy man.  I’m an honest son of a bitch, I tell you what.  And I know there are more cats out there that will testify to that than you can shake a sherry shot at. 

I’ve lived a hard-ass life, that’s for damn sure.  Been up and down these rivers, oh, I been up and down these rivers…  Were I born a ferryman, I’d drop my wings and ride the nearest boat to the southlands.  Heart of a negro in me, I tell you what.  Maybe it’s just that repressed, slave-like sentiment, I don’t know.  Something ‘bout it calls me open like the gates of darkness in wake of St. Elmos’ fire.

But what’s all this talk about fire and what-have-you?  Why am I sitting around, wondering these radical notions, in such a mysterious time, in such a magical place?  For, ever has been the plaguing mind that insults the dignity of mine hind… such a juxtaposition I must assume, will come crawling right back to me, none too soon…

Justice is the one thing you will always find~

When it boils down to it, everything is a matter of energy...

an equation, with either a positive or a negative on the line...

and sometimes you don't come out quite equally, that's for damn sure.

sometimes you add to that damn little equation, and sometimes you take all you can...

it. is.

a.

FUCKED.

UP

WORLD

dude!

that much I can say. 


sometimes, we know what our little walk of destiny is.  How we react to that is a marvel of the spirit, in some cases.  In other cases, even with the best of us, it's fuckin brutal. It's like we have to show just how good and bad we can be... maybe we think that makes us that much more impressive?  To be so capable/diverse?  But isn't it a hindrance to hold on to old beliefs and prowesses/ etc

I don't know... bitches fuck up mah flow... that much, i know... yo...  see what i mean...

ahhh fuck it. my brain's too enticed to fight it.  I just gotta roll with the punches and go with the blows... maybe by the morning I'll feel something, yo.   Gotta admit that I'm losting this crazy old fight

between the lyrics, the words
and what just feels right

I feel like an old soldier
lost and forgot

left at the stern
to casually rot

i am no explorer
i am no good man

i am disillusion
in a poker-faced hand

i want nothing special
no forgiveness or love

i want, only
homely
at the push
or the shove

dont forget to include me
in all of your wants
for i am but a chased, and
invisible haunt

Not gonna lie

Things have been goin pretty bad lately.  Not gonna lie, I really think I finally cut the friggin cake this time man.... not even Jerry Garcia could smoke his way outta this barroom baby, flames are crawlin cross the ballroom floor and you best bet i'm drownin in yo laughter... and dead to the core....


Take a whole barrel a' water just to cool me down baby~

^_~ yeah that said i'm pretty fucked. doubt i'm gonna get a high enough grade in my honors english class to raise my GPA, since I have to raise it above 2.0 or I can't go to school anymore.

Idk what I'll do. Maybe find a quiet place to go off and friggin die lol. I don't know if a cat like me is right for a world like this.

Black Hole Sun

I feel terrible...

I seriously don't have the money to make it through til next semester >_< I have enough for three months' rent and a hundred a month for food... my next financial aid is in like mid-late january.

Everyone in my apartment is getting evicted because of some bullshit drama these tweakers around here caused...

I think I'll probably just go homeless for like November and then I can get a cheap place for December-January.

I refuse to give up- everyone who knows me knows how stubborn I am, well, I'm taking that stubbornness and using it to my advantage- I refuse to give up.

That said, I think I'll watch a little anime before getting started on my homework lol.

*sigh* why do I have such an ominous, bad feeling...

What's the story

I've faced many obstacles in my life, some as fine and fleeting as a windswept grain of sand, others as immense and unmovable as the Earth we live on... but my greatest obstacle has been that which is as inescapable and ever-present as the shadow gripping my heels as I stare into the sun...

Something with the speed and persistence of that sandy, biting wind, yet more immense than the gravity suspending this planet in orbit...

How long have I tried to live with it, like a madman sharing lab with wild boar... and that they would expect miracles from the shattered massacre spilled 'cross the floor!

How, longing, I, for those pearly gates... as I freefall from the heavenly blue...

No glory on this morning, surely- just a taste of death's delightful brew...

Whenever Sang My Songs...

I don't have enough time in the day, enough energy really.

I... have so much I want to do... so many dreams, but... I put so many of them off, waiting for the right moment or telling myself various reasons...

RPG Maker VX: Ace, for instance; I have it on my computer finally, and before I had a computer I'd always tell myself if I had access to it, I'd be working on it all the time.  But now that it's right here in front of me, I find myself playing emulated games or watching Bleach... but it's not like it's not moving in the same direction- I'm constantly speculating on what I perceive and experience, pondering ways to incorporate it all into my games, or my next story... or ways I would have done things better, or differently.

Guess I tell myself, "follow your gut/heart and don't worry; someday you'll use all this knowledge to write the ultimate novel, or make the ultimate game".

But I can't help recall the tune... 'Someday Never Comes'....

I'm not like those cats that get an instrument, play a while and jump into a band, and dream of breaking the stars... I jam every now and then, when it feels right... I write every now and then, when it feels right... I work on my game every now and then, when it feels right...

I don't plan on living forever- but I don't plan on going against what feels right to me.  Some would call it laziness- I would say you simply don't need to work as hard if you're going with the flow. It allows you time to truly appreciate and focus on other things... of course there's a myriad of rebuttals to these sentiments but there's a myriad of rebuttals to any statement... what matters is how you use what you have, to get you where you want/need to go.  Finding out you were wrong all along doesn't matter if you're looking back on that thorny path from your villa on the beach ya know.

Yeah I've changed a lot... It's a pity- I think I lost all my old Myspace blogs. They stretched back many years... but they contained some seriously intense material that would bite me in the ass hardcore down the road... stuff I've since resolved but others could utilize as a weapon against me, should my opponents be so unforgiving.

I try not to be cold or dispassionate, for I would not like others to be that way, myself.  But sometimes you can multiply by one as many times as you want and you still won't get the same number. Strange, but alas, this universe was here before us and will be here when we escape this form... Who knows, we could all have just been actors in some strange cosmic play enjoyed by timeless beings beyond our comprehension, outside of this stream of time.  The possibilities are limitless... this is our greatest advantage yet our greatest weakness...

So strange, that one should strive for reason in a world that consistently defies explanation; that one should scramble for land 'midst a ceaselessly-rising ocean... that one should hope for dreams, and dream of love, thoughts on the above as we take truth's hand in senselessness' glove. 

Hmm I should read some more poetry- pretty bad when you can pretty much only quote yourself xD

My waterfall

I was always taught that boy meets girl... fall in love, get married, and forget the world- 9 months later, sweet baby on the way- kiss him on the cheek, and life's OK!

I don't feel NO PAIN
I don't have NO TIME!

Man can I relate.  I really love this person but.. I just wonder, what kind of life will my kids have?

I shouldn't be one to wonder- I never had a father for most of my life, or a mother.  Shit's always been fucked up, and yet here I am with all these values and expectations.  So if a cat like me can exist lol then surely even kids raised in a non-linear household should still be able to be brought up right... ya know, all I think that matters is the amount of love they receive; regardless of the source, or 'gender identity' (which is quickly crumbling anyways, in today's society) then that's all that matters.

As long as they are brought up with love and acceptance, that's all that matters...

That's what I want to believe, but damn... it's still so hard for me to accept something like that...

I wish I could talk to someone about it... or a couple people, about it...

I always follow my heart but the odd thing is... my heart is leading me... well it's really weird lol. fuck!

Garrr why couldn't I have just had a simple life... momma pajama.

And the river keep a talkin

Im workin my tail off... chippin up rocks for the great highway ^_^

alright seriously i gotta do some homework. peaceage~!

small light... stolen angel's singing voices

I'm losing it...

I'm letting everything slip through my hands... my dreams... everything...

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me... why am I so scared of success? Why do I keep putting myself down and beating myself up... I just wish I had someone to help me back to my feet or to cheer me on... but everyone's on the 'other' side, just wishing me bad luck...

I'm getting used and stomped on and treated like shit... it's like there's no fuckin light inside me anymore... I've just lost the fuckin will, man...

I need to get some good sleep tonight... I got steaks and salad- tomorrow's the biology field trip. We meet early, I believe... shoot.. Yeah that's right, we're going to Thumb Butte...

I'm such a wreck... I wish someone... anyone... would tell me they love me, or care... it's been so long, it feels, since I've known any true friendship or love... at least I have my good neighbors and buddies Andy, and Jeremy...

There's such an aching chasm in my chest where my soul used to be... I just want to cry but I don't have the fuckin strength or consternation for that even...

it's a good night

I was so tired... but these cats outside albertsons needed sleep and I was in a good mood... so I lent then my place for the night... we're all sleeping with the heat turned up lol.


ahhh it's a good thing! i love people coming together to help each other! fuck yeah!

Beecham

Man...

I went to this author reading thing and all..

I only stayed for half of it, though...

It's crazy how - well let's just say people older than us, unless seriously mentally ill, will always have the upper hand.

And yet.

I feel bad for my Honors English teacher... I can tell she has a ton of pent-up energy... maybe it would take a sophisticated man like me to be able to diffuse that... hmmm.

I just feel bad, that there has to be this gap between teacher and student...

Well, one thing's for sure.. she's hot as FUKK.

...such awesome hips, man... garrrrr

alright, well, anyways...

I've been playing the SHIT out of Legend of Zelda: Link to the Past. I'm at the last dungeon... man... my least favorite dungeon, no friggin joke;  Turtle Rock, I believe it's called...

Fuck it. I'm gonna tear the shit out of it. I wanna play Secret of Mana... never actually played/ beat that game... just got my shit leveled up a bunch and got like all four tools/ weapons, I think...

yeah definitely on my replay list.

damn... she's so fuckin hot.

~FIN~

evil incarnate

Finally kicked my evil delusional roommate out.
He still has a key though so I have to replace the lock on the door =/

While I was out school today he or someone else came in and stole my fan... friggin douchebags.

I just gotta concentrate on school... screw this crap.

Getting some sleep, staying straight and eating really good.

There's this cat that lives in the entryway to my apartment, i've been taking care of it. I might have it move in inside with me when it gets colder if the neighbors dont take care of it properly (it's supposed to be their cat).

I've been feeding it steak and cheese and water. And I put some stuff out for it to sleep n cuddle in if it gets too cold... =)

Ir's true what they say- those that have been hurt most are the ones who can see pain in others the best... I love that little kitty. I'll take care of it... I'd be happy knowing it was safe n warm n loved... hopefully someday, someone will care the same about me.

TIL THEN IM DOING WHAT I CAN TER GET RICH garrrr

^_^ much love~

Jurassic Park

sometimes you gotta go to the extremes to know what the hell you're really all about.

And even then, when you reach that point, you will find yourself amazed...

We can be in any mental state.; however, there exists a flow that is truly untameable...

We can alter the course of that flow with dit and exercise. It's becoming increasingly hard nowadays, though... the corporations that have been blastin their balls into our barely breathing

Maybe I shoulda been born a blind man... shit, then I'd appreciate the shit outta everything... well, ya say that, but it's human nature to... idk, there shouldn't be any incurable diseases or unreachable stars....

I'll never let go of that sentiment... no matter what this world dries, fries, lies, cries out of me, I won't 'give up the ghost' like BuzzBuzz in EarthBound. Think of how more badass the whole game would've been with BuzzBuzz....

I guess that's like one of the points where a game designer has to make a decision... then again who knows what those guys were thinking... i'd love to hang out with the old HAL/ Ape cats. Shoot, any of those old developing cats ya know xD

It'd be an inspiration ^_^

Verbatum... Ultimatum... (heavy stuff)

I haven't blogged recently, but my soul yearns for some release...

Man. It sucks... My roommate is still here... I keep telling myself things will be better when he's gone but I think I really just need to improve shit NOW. 

I need to do like I learned in rehab, and make some freakin goals lol. God that sounds terrible but the practical applications of efficient shit like that are really what makes life better. No matter where you learn it from.

So.... goals for this semester... well first I should put my foremost goal-
To obtain this degree in Video Game Design.

There's only one thing hanging over my head, and it's this as-of-yet unresolved phantom of my past that lurks, waiting with bated breath, for the slightest opening... it's from back before I had my shit relatively together...

I've been contemplating if I should invest in maybe a group again, not necessarily for substance abuse but for possibly depression/anxiety. I really really really digg everything that The Guidance Center in Flagstaff offered me and helped me with- they didn't pull me from the darkness, but they gave me the flint and tinder needed to make my own light, ya know? That's fuckin true righteousness, right there man ^_^

Alas I didn't take care of the formalities the court required, although I went above and beyond their expectations. Dammit, I should have never left it in someone else's hands- I should have personally ensured that the required documentation was processed... now I'm lookin at the axe just because of that... and what's sadly ironic is that I have done more than just turn my life around- I've already taken massive steps in this new direction... garrr... I wish I could just request a personal conference with a judge or something, and talk to him in earnest about my situation, and what I can do to right the wrongs of my past... I mean I already know in my heart that once I get any sort of appreciable income, I'll make damn sure that those that helped me rise from this mess are payed back in full... I actually always thought it would be cool if I could, like, train secret shoppers or something... take what I learned and use it for the greater good.  I've always wanted to work for the government, but... I really just want to improve the standards of our government and society. If I can influence people, through video games, to be aware of things that will enlighten them as to that path's brilliance, then hell yeah~

On the negative, you could say I intend to brainwash the masses via video games, to my own agenda. On the positive, you could say I intend to sharpen the edge of those blades already set to slice through the darkness of this world.

*sigh* I can't believe it's this hard, just to get a decent income and raise a family....

Well, hell, wasn't I like, talking about goals, to begin with..? sodena...

~~

So, my goals this semester are to get As in all my classes, and clear my legal status.

God, you cannot imagine the heaviness of that weight bearing over me... I suppose I should be grateful- it's good training for later in life, when there will be other, more painful things bearing down on me. Sort of like how my stepmom 'trained' me to deal with people of malicious, evil intent.

~~~

Amidst this darkness, though, I confess... a light has shined, err, shone. Weird friggin word...

But hark-! my nigga ass came up with some poetry today! chyeah!

And for reals, for the first time in a while I can say I actually dugg it lol.

Alas, it is in my locker... heh. Ahh well.

Well, off to do some shit! Just thinking about making goals and stuff made me aware of a couple things I can do right now... like order a debit card, and check on my clan on Samurai of Legend... yes those links on my blog are righteous- one need only click on them to sign up (with me as the referrer) and they will play the best Samurai-themed text-based MMORPG ever constructed!

ROCK ON!

poodle newdles at newn.

Man I gotta say... i'm in love with life right now; it's not every day you can label your enemies as elders, and see the wisdom in their lies.

sadness pervades the effluence

Man, when Chad threw Inoue through the barrier... damn, that's badass broskies~

I like Bleach... it's got its quirks but I'm so intrigued by the scope of the plot and the character development lol it's all good.

Shit... things feel so much heavier right now... doesn't it always feel like that? I think there's like some kinda crud that we're all building up and it just accumulates, due to the nature of the food we eat and the overall mentality of the world today.

That gradual accrual is what culminates, ultimately, to your death..? Maybe. It's easy to turn askew and say hey, I'm doing my best, that's all that matters; but its not.

I want to be able to believe in this society but so far I've seen people older than me making stupidass decisions lol. There's way too heavy of penalties for shit in courts and on the streets these days... it's bullshit.  The man is clampin down on us without any hesitation, yet we must express (repressed) our frustration... just to make a point, to these mother fuckers... take a year off campaigning and go camping.

I don't know what it is, but I feel like I'm taking it too easy. I'm in this carefree, beach-winds in my face mindset and... yet I have come here to increase my vigor. So wtf Gaara daaaaamn.

I am so free

I want you all to realize that... right now. That regardless of what we were in the past-sense... regardless of what we did already... we can still be friends... I pray you have the courage and the enlightenment to obtain what I have already

Ron Burgendy reporting...

...So, I figured out a bunch of shit and it all escapes me just now... how terrible is that... perhaps I can use my computer skills to help me out. 

This is an exercivse to improve my motivr Motivation in the freakin wrists and fingers that I place most of my life's work into... somethin like that, obviously..!

Death is an inescapable solution to life's problems...

Fear it not, for it tends to lead you in the right direction, anyways. =)

I cannot speak for all the stars... then again, who can..? Mars..?

The closest truth is observation...

Though it belies our true destination...

Nothing comforting is gained

From singing, compound, in the rain

Give it up, and you'll forgive

About the 3-month thought-out shiv

The thought of which degrates and baits

The mind of which you still can't fig-

...you're our of pleasantries- placation

No place to hide; no 'magination...

Heroin Ford

I have to say... my Good God...

There is much to say...
From the rankist tomes of my heart- begin
No precipitation- no, this nation need not... fear again

Though my voice seems hollow and my words are shallow
Still until your savior appears..,

I shall carry on, with tears
Though I slay- in true misery, I...
Cannot fly through these years...
Shadowing, flowering sky...

No need to seek
Resolution
Through pollution

Find a way
To escape
All the lame

Worlds and beautiful
Magnificent skies...
That- casual-
Look me in the eye

I love you the most
Though I oft deny
Won't you fall
Into the bloss'ming sky~

Diaries Dance and Diaries Die

I have always wanted to contribute to the science and medical fields... along my journey through life, my focus has been honed to a few key ideals I am passionate about; for starters, I want to wean this world off the Earth's teat- there's no reason we should be relying on fossil fuels anymore (hell we should never have shamelessly invested in such an obviously limited, double-edged resource to begin with). Electricity, itself, needs to become the new standard energetic currency... it is energy in its most currently utilizable form... the fact that we are so blind to this simple notion... it reminds me of the initial stages of the digital revolution, whence our reliance on paper media lessened gradually and silently. I can only hope that the sheep are so easily guided into the next pasture...

 People- we have had the capability for fully-electric automobiles since before the seventies. The seeds were planted with Tesla, although Edison and eventually the oil industry sprinkled much salt on that earth. It is necessary for us to harmoniously utilize the natural forces of the cosmos if we are to ever succeed in finding harmony amongst ourselves... put faith in the cosmos... there are natural materials (conductive metals) that, when condensed into natural shapes (toroidal induction) act as a loudspeaker for energy, so-to-speak... it's not magic, it's just recognizing how things work and using them to your advantage... electricity can essentially be multiplied in these environments, that is all. And it is possible to replicate these 'environments', in, say, an area the size of the hood of your car... Oh gosh dolly, I sure hope the oil industry is ok with that though. Wouldn't want tobacco to lose profit if we legalized marijuana, either. But you know me- I'm just Charles Motowski.

For seconds, there's the biological threat we all face from the pharmaceutical (more like harming-pseudo-cal) industry. If you are unaware of it at this time, I will enlighten you with the fact that behavioral health is an industry... It coincides with the war on mass-retailed organics that has a substantial portion of the populace's attention, actually; attrition has oft been an overlooked al beit fundamental concept of war- to weaken one's opponent by tainting or cutting off their sustenance altogether is not a foreign concept lol. Saber in the side technique for sure...

Friggin steven spielberg man

I should probably be happy... I should probably be  content.

Truth is, I'm really burned out today...

I tell myself things will be better, if.... if... if only ever is, if just that.

Aye, I be lazy today.  Don't really digg the vibes... a heaviness permeates the otherwise innocuously inviting air.  I know what it is that weighs me down with such crushing finality.... aye, ghosts of my past, made corporeal.

I feel no pain, no hurt... just this emotionless dissonance....

I think I'll go brush my teeth. 

I almost dated this chick but got rejected on our first outing.  I hate the feeling of someone using you as a stepping stone... there is no true companionship but that of the particles we ingest... and that in itself is only a passing, like water splashed on drying linens, tossed so coldly in the wind...

I cannot find the words to... hmmm... i should be happier... it's just, i lost my cellphone yesterday and feel like nothing without it.

I didn't even lose it, I left it in this chick's freakin car after this bio field trip.

Ahh well.

Sarl Cagan

I like to think that I can be the kind of guy that you can come to rely on.... the kind of cat that you can put all your faith in...

I'm trying so friggin hard to improve myself, lol, I know it might seem like nothing to some of them cats out there.... but I honestly just want to tell you....

Even though we may be oceans apart, physically or metaphorically, the fact that you're engaged in my struggle by reading this means a lot to me...

Hell I might be speaking to ghosts, for all the hell I know.... Google says I have all these visitors to my blog but nary a comment is left...

Maybe cats are afraid... idk. It doesn't have to be that awkward though. We can get along

Been a while~!

Been a while since I last blogged.

I've got my stuff in gear and ready for the Fall semester- it looks like it's gonna be an easy ride, the hard part will be just staying on, as always.

I've always had a tendency to wander, lol. So for me to commit to something like this is truly a challenge and a great opportunity for growth...

It's not all fun and games, there are some things I'm not proud of in my life right now but alas, such battles do surround me...

I hope to one day be able to look back and know that it was all for the greater good, and feel relieved that I have made it... hopefully this is while sipping some exotic drink, looking over a balcony at the beach's edge with someone I've come to know and love and trust.

Aye, tis a lonely world for the poodle you see before you today... Tis a lonely world indeed. But the whiskey runs deep, aye, the river keeps a talkin...

Good stuff so far though~! God, do I love all my classes! I'm so glad to be in school... I'm o honored... I truly feel like a different man than I was... yesterday, an hour ago, years ago, aye... I feel as though I've truly grown...

The same winds do batter my face, bringing different smells or feelings, yes, but that same wind does not force me back nor bar my way no more... it has become a companion, truly... My only friend, perhap.

I don't know, I just like thinking about depressing things, I guess...

Just wondering how I'm gonna get enough for a bottle of spirits tonight... garrr I'd love a bottle, truly... Mayhaps I've replaced one addiction with another, but for the truth- I must say that I don't care what small things like such it costs me as long as I can keep moving forward to that brilliance.

I've been thinking of just going ahead and finishing all the old stories I have on Fictionpress...

Might as well, they're just sittin, collecting dust lol.

Not even internet dust is as amiable as a scenario or plot seen through to completion, however.

I don't know, just a thought... a thought that pleases me greatly...

Ohhhh myyyyyy.... lol

I'm writing this on a laptop that could go out at any time.

Literally- there is some kind of connection problem with someething on the board; I took it apart as best I could but this thing is tighter than a firefighter's vagina...

=) All is not lost in the world...

love and war

They don't want you to know about 911  being staged, or Benghazi or as bad as the situation I'm in right now...  everyone knows they're the enemy.... everyone knows they have the power... everyone knows they control the way we think, believe, and reason. We are but pawns in the ephemereal chess game they play while watching the sprinklers chase the illegals.

Shit, I wish my neighborhoood was as established as this"

Harrrison Ford climbs down the ladder, slinging a concubine over his shoulder.

And instead of movies that make you feel 'good' after seeing them, how about movies that embrace the darkness... show evil winning...

all's fair in leissei-faire~

[or good guys doing evil..?]

The custom error module does not recognize this error.

All these cheatin bastards are waiting for the good guy to come out and shit, but it ain't happenin...

THE MONK.

Man I'm hungry lol....

eat dinosaur food

I never really knew my old man... honestly I can say that the people who work with him know him better than I do.  I respect the man immensely but... well really I just don't want to feel anythin bad about my mom or my dad. I wish only the best for them cats, I mean they did the best they could with me with what they had at the time...  I really shouldn't feel bad about it...

Man...

I'm gonna start makin my own fruit smoothies instead of drinkin soda.

I'll invest in a damn good blender.

I remember those old commercials about like food shredders and shit, some crazy intense freakin robot-android-on-magic-powder freakin beast.

Yeah... Billy Mays here with Oxycontin!

jk,,,, but actually i'm on an opiate (or what has been classified as a 'synthetic opiate')

err... actually... now that i think about it... i haven't dexed all day. i'm just drunk and...

scissors<'x'<paper
x=state of mind (synonymous of object inferred by relationship shown above)
yeah that, but medieval.

sanctity vs sanity

I might sing lyrics wrong at first... but eventually I get them right. And when I pass that point I realize I shouldn't feel bad- at least I'm singing.

Been playin bass again... pretty cool. Digg my acoustic/electric... too bad I can only hook it up during the day... but that's why I got the acoustic/electric; I can bring that crap downtown without the amp and still make some dough if I have to.

I can't wait for next semester... hell I can't wait for today. I've been doing pretty good lately... I mean I'll be relieved once my roommate actually pulls through and pays his share of the rent like we agreed... I loaned him some dough recently and he's racked up quite the bill lol. He'll probably try and cajole me into getting off easy, like every one I loan money to. Hell I guess I shouldn't bitch, I'm guilty of the same damn shit.

Still, I really need the little money I have left. I don't know if financial aid is going to arrive in time for the turn of the month. They always pull that 3-5 business days bullshit. Like, as if you're not already disservicing me by saying it's going to arrive one day then give a 3-5 day 'grace' period- you have to spread my cheeks as you're assfucking me and pull this 'business days' bullshit and ram me even harder lol. But you know Chuck- patience of a Lionheart.

My vision's gotten way worse over the years... that's for sure. Shit I have to squint for nowadays, I have to lean in to see tomorrow. Shit I saw clear yesterday I gotta squint for today...

And damn, I really gotta start workin my abs again. This shit was excusable back in Winter, when I could say it was for warmth, but dude... yeah I am not going to Laguna friggin beach anytime soon man.

Man I started thinking about my 'friends' I used to have back in Flag... man what a bunch of freakin users man.  I bet if I didn't have my apartment after highschool, none of them tards would have even hung out with me.  They used me for my knowledge and they used me for my drugs and money... I don't know, I just don't think I'll ever think anything positive about any of them fuckers for the rest of my life. I don't care if one of them wins the nobel fuckin peace prize, I'll still be hopin they trip off the podium, fuckin assholes.

Last night I raised my grades in one of my classes from a 50 to an 80 percent lol. Friggin awesome...

And hell, I didn't even barely touch this friggin French Vodka... why'd it have to be the French vodka on sale... come on, gimme some of that polish, or irish whiskey...

My friend Eris says he's a scotch man... I say have a cup of piss, why don't ya. Shit! Who could drink that shit and call it 'their drink'. That's like saying 'I prefer Canadian blended whiskey, my good sir'.

Shit! I'll have a Samuel Adams so I can give it to someone else. lol. And who the fuck drinks IPA, or any pale ale? You've gotta be pale as fuck drunk to tolerate that nasty crap. I suppose some guys are the self-victimizing types though, a real bleedin heart emo fag or somethin... No wonder Dylan liked that shit.

man fuck them.

damn I haven't had pussy in so long my balls hurt just thinkin about that shit. I wanna slap the last few bitches I slept with just for makin me miss their sorry asses for somethin. friggin librarian, smarmy cunt... great tits though... shit, great lotsa stuff... heh. Then there was that mormon chick who thinks I impregnated her. Shit! You wish I came in ur ass! I will take that shit to Springer, nah, Maury, motha @#$@.

Then there was this one guy I almost fucked, but he was so full of himself he wouldn't give me the pleasure lol. He couldn't handle my ass anyways... I swear some 'straight' guys are so friggin dense man. I can see why some chicks hate guys. Course I say that but I'm probably one of em.

Garr this calls for a bowl and a... banana... lol. Yeah, I got bananas... doubt I'm really gonna get one though. My roommate sleeps right in the way of the doorway out to the front door and the kitchen. Yeah it's a weird setup... it's actually a partitioned section of a huge house we all are renting out of. It's pretty nuts but I bet the guy up top is making some cozy cash... cozy enough to only have to charge us 400 for rent and utilities.  My roommate owes me like 150, 180 bucks at least lol so by the time next month rolls around I won't have to pay anything...

He might be pulling some sheisty shit though, and saying he's leaving on the fifteenth but really leaving on the first or something. Hmm... Who knows. That's why I'll probably never rent out or room with strangers after this... God, at least if I can help it.

It'll be nice, having my own place man. Oh yeah shit! I never hit that bizzurp.

Can't wait to have my own place again... 400 a month... but I'm getting like five and a half grand... Supposed to last me til January though... that's starting on the eighth month... five months. That's only 2 grand for rent and utilities. 3500 pocket... 300 a month for food... 1500, leavin 2 grand again for whatever... damn i'm dumb, i'm like totally spacing tuition and... well hell actually I think that 5500 was AFTER tuition lol. Either case, I'll have enough. I'll have to log in and see later... or hell I could do it quick.

;_; good thing I checked.

Guess it's gonna be tighter this Winter than I thought... lol I can't believe I'm saying that considering I'm bitching about 'only having a thousand extra dollars' but you know what the ace up my sleeve is? I'm doing this all with subsidized loans or awards- no unsubsidized loans. So when I graduate I won't have all this interest piled up on me. It'll be a little rough, ya know, and most likely I'll probably end up either a)being homeless a month or two out of these five months just so I can have some leisure/spending money; or, more likely considering I'm not an idiot anymore and realize how much being homeless SUCKS, b)I'll find a roommate, or if anything, the occasional tweaker/drunk to crash at my pad for a month or two to line my pockets a little more.

It sucks, I had this thing going with this awesome girl, Mary, but shit fell apart due to my erratic and unforgiving lifestyle. I ended up losing base with her in the whirlwind of shit that was going on and I guess she was so offended she decided I wasn't worth it... =/ It's really a bummer cuz I was planning on her coming out and living with me once I had the place to myself- and at the time it seemed unrealistic and just another of Charles' dex dreams but lmao guess even a deadbeat like me can make a dream come true in today's day and age... just like all my other friends, they all lost faith in me. No one held in there with me throughout the hardships... hell even my fuckin family forsook me, even my angel saint of a mother lost faith in me for a while. I mean there was always my dad but that's probably just 'cuz we're so distant, I don't know what he's feeling most of the time. I won't ever be like that with my kids... I don't care how bad shit comes between me and my kids, I'll never lose base with them the way my family has lost base with me.

Maybe I'm just an asshole. I'd rather hate them freely than deal with the burden of their love. All I know is, it doesn't feel right, just like it doesn't feel right about my old friends from Flag, or the way Mike helped me out, or any of it... it's like every silver lining really has a touch of grey...

It's gonna be an excellent day... I've already decided- no if's and's or but's abooot it! garrrrrr! I love me some good liquor... Some take delight in fishin and bowlin, other's take delight in the courage of rowin; I take delight in the juice of the barley~ courtin pretty women in the marnin' so early~

^_^m excellence doth abide my people... excellence doth abide... I can't wait for Sunday. That's my math day... I'm gonna start from the beginning and take as many notes as I can... I'm gonna get a 90+% on that final or me left finger be inspectin yer prostate... lol left finger...

man life would be different if people had tentacles...

whoaah mikanu kurebay! lol! fuuuuuuck i feel fanTASTIC! oh meine gute~

lol man... I can't believe i asked my girlfriends to suck me off while I was chuggin dex... but fuck yeah did that shit feel awesome... ya know i think the sexiest thing about it wasn't even the act itself, it was the fact that they were willing to verily make fools of themselves if it meant my pleasure... man that's putting it in the worst light... i mean honestly it won my respect like madly ya know... God there's nothing like getting head from someone who loves and respects you... like when they REALLY want to make you happy, ya know... it fuckin rocks... Like when your eyes meet right after you cum and they swallow it all and cutely glance up at you, passionately, with the biggest most content grin... God... that's when you're like 'I will do ANYTHING for this girl, good fuckin God...'

Yeah, and you DO do anything for that girl lol. Join the fuckin military, walk out that door and swear to yourself you will not return until you get another fuckin job, eat that bitch's poontang til the river runs dry~ I mean, shit... I miss me my bitches, that's for sure. Cuz BITCHES they is, for what they done to me! mmmhmmm tell em Shaniqua.


wrote this shit earlier, figured I'd hide it at the bottom:

Honestly, this is gonna sound pretty bad but I'm bein honest here...

Whenever I ingest DXM I feel like I should be proud- others doubt me, others don't dare have the balls to do what the hell I'm doin... others laugh and mock me, still like a festering wound I persist and consume with rotten, bestial enthusiasm...

I drink at LEAST two 3oz containers a day... I only underestimate so much because I gotta count for the days I crash or find myself unable to procure any, which occurs like 1/10 days, being generous.

85mls per container*6 (ratio of DXM/ml) = >510mgs in each 3oz (89ml container).
At least 2 containers a day= 1020mgs

But most days I get like 3.5 85ml container's worth, or two 5oz containers. And on occasions I'll get three big 5ozers, but I (usually) space it out over the day so it's not so concentrated... yeah that's when the crazy shit goes down... life directions are changed... lol some dumb shit as well.

Then again, tbh my tolerance must be so high at this point, and from the get-go I never really agree with my supplier's supposed ratio of 6mgs/ml. Shit, more like 4 at best. Then again the dex I ingests' method of delivery, chemical-wise, is proportedly significantly different than the typical Hbr sizzurp. I'm trying to speak through a veil here because... well we all know the power of the net. I mean even the government's caught on, fuck- you know that shit's been goin on for a while if our lawmakers catch on to it.

castles in the mud

i miss the amanda that wrote that letter for me so many centuries ago...

and fade away

Amazing, how often we take the simplest things in life for granted...

Man, I swear I spend half my time just lookin for shit... in the world, in my room, in my brain, in my *cuts wrist* ...heart...

lol

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck finally cashin, err crashin out after
Any man who can dance and sing to Sugar Ray then STILL want to make sweet love to a GIRL is probably a badass... just sayin

make friends with the enemy while they're ahead... then ruthlessly end their reign

for the first time...

man, this world continues to inspire and create me.

When it's over...

I'm not gonna lie, things aren't all peachy-clean and creamy, yo.

Charles is in a world of pain, swimming in a sea of regret, drowning, drowning in questions... questions like 'why?'.

...why did shit fuck up with these beautiful, amazing women that crossed my path? Becca, Kristi, Cait, Amanda (oh, Amanda...), even Emma... man. It really fuckin hurts man, I mean I really loved these women... I'm lucky Becca still talks to me. She's cool... I respect that a lot, that she considers me important enough, that she considers what we shared important enough, to not mind having me around, ya know.

Kristi... well she's got issues.  I wanted to help that broad out but sometimes all we can do is hurt even when all we want to do is help... guess it just wasn't meant to be. Yeah sounds pretty pretentious but shit...

Cait, well, fuck me sideways with a toaster.  The FUCK do I have to say about that bitch. SUCKS FOR YOU, BITCH! Sucks you're gonna DIE alone with your friggin DOG! Who might actually live LONGER than you!! (Well I say that but secretly I spend 1/3 of my daydreams singing to her and winning her heart, still).

Amanda Cora Cheek... Walter Richter Cheek... a person worthy of two identities, for the size of his/her heart. What a friggin woman, man. God I wish I could go back to the days when I had her, and could hold her, and just feel REAL with this beautiful, beautiful person... man what a wonderful partner... I love her so much, still. It hurts to think about her, most.

Even more than this bitch from the library- no i'm just kiddin. But seriously that Emma Teskey chick... what the fuck was that about? Talk about a conflict of interests. I was a rockstar and she was a librarian. Yeah that shit wasn't meant to be... still, she was a nice gal and would have made a great partner... if she could ever get over herself lol. well that's not being fair... still it's hard not to be callous towards someone that ripped you off ripe and hot like a too-fresh scar.


I just gotta keep my head down and do my schoolwork... things will work out.  Next semester I'll have the pad all to myself for only 400 a month, and that includes utilities and wifi.

It sucks, it's getting to that point again where I'm so desperate I don't even care about sex anymore, I just want intimacy, and closeness with someone else. Someone to make this dream a reality... I'm trying to put myself out there, maybe I should try a little harder. I don't know... I like the pace I'm going at...

Yeah I can't wait for next month man. End of August, I'm going to see Black Sabbath with my dad, fuckin awesome~ I might just tear up, I mean it... I fuckin love Sabbath... to think they've been powering on for over thirty years man... hell more like forty. God bless the restless souls of this planet~

It sucks my parents are going through this divorce again... God it really makes you look at life differently when your heroes turn out to be just as human as you. All I want is for them to be happy... All I want is a family again...

=/ but that's not gonna happen... it won't ever be like it was.

Well maybe I can make something different, something better... something stronger~ something that won't fall apart, no matter what happens.

I'll never forgive those black-hearted witches... Beverly... Samantha...

...for what else can I do..? I'm done being the one that never gives in, the one that hangs on stubbornly... I don't have the energy to 'do the right thing'. No- what they want is an illusion, and I will never play party to such an act, such falsity... they pine for that which was blown away in the dark wind years ago... I am who I am, and if the truth is uglier than the pretty lie they would have me live, then ugly I shall be... as I've always been; imperfect, but just right enough to know how wrong I really am...

...well. enough of that...

i actually feel a little better lol... i'll finish up this math shit and then see if i can't make headway in other areas...

I won't front or f*ck this ho~

 the purest form of expression is harmony.

She ran her slender fingers down her locklern hair.  It wasn't in the greatest of fashion heights these days but it was enough to deduce a legible script from.
   Swelling from her bosom upward, she smiled as she sang... I think that's that I liked about her. She shot down the hanging pigeons with one fell sweep, sort of like how she gave her heart to me...

Maybe it's just wanting that which we cannot have. That it so boldly produces an epiphany, well; that wasn't the focus of this in the first-place.

Oh man, then the tides turn, and psychedelic poetry is on the wall and you can't stall because it's in over drive baby can't compete can't relate what the hell is the sin when you're the hate

I'll take yee as me wife
I'll take yee as me mate
Don't be surprised of the challenges in wait~

First you get haters

then you get fans...

seems to be the way it rolls...

the one you want to be with most, is the one that's hardest to reach...

Things have been goin alright... just sleepin and hangin out at the pad. I guess my roommate is leaving next month and it will be AAAAAALL mine! whoah!

I can't wait but at the same time, Barry's been a real nice guy, like truly laid back- and that's hard to find these days... man. That;'s the way life always works- you give something or you take something, and something gives to you or takes from you. 

There is no time to dabble in philosophies, ya know. It takes all we are to be part of the dream that is our life here on Earth~

I wish to God there were more time in the day...
 Its become total warfare here.'''

Though you know I live for more~

I ponder at the absence of spare time I have these days... It seems all my time is spent doing homework, or thinking about doing homework, or getting supplies so I can do homework better, or wondering if I did all my homework or when I can do more homework...

lol... momma pajama. 

Things seem to be taking a turn... me and this old man I'm living with, we don't get along all that well.  I guess it's just as well he's heading off to do his own thing next month. 

I try and be confident and outgoing but oftentimes I have my doubts. I stumble as much as any man... my whole childhood I was raised as the prodigal child with counter-redeeming features, so-to-speak... I was a bad kid with a good heart, or something to that effect... a good kid that made bad choices...

it wasn't up to me, what the shit I say
I sing like a poodle everyday
I feel pretty pushed
its remarkable to me that the very societies we see.  Never make mention in world history.   Lol.    I can move forward around this shit so I can continue to blog.   These stupid waves that encompass the essence of my interaction with the universe; it bores me so., dogg~

Though she make my body ache (and you know I live for more) I won't flake- nor perpetrate- I won't front or fu*k this ho~

Hey I just realized, all this shit is very dualistic.  Dualism is like the solid bush on the chaparral~ We want to be like the solid broccoli-esque joshua-bush of the chaparral.  That's cool.  But you know what's even better...

All we are is energy in motion, going through routines.

Now you're talkin pragmadualism or its friend. Hell, I should tell you right now that I'm just super friggin excited about this shiz, that's for sure.

*passes out...*

*...hours later...*

"Hey, you're no Bellsprout!"

"...But under Article 14 of the pokem-"

I am Jamaican but I aint no freak

C35#A5422#30DB#F42F m^_^m

Man, have I had the time of my life, recently....

God I feel good. Prying the Museum of South America... whoah

I really pushed hard and realized Id sunk a little deeper than I'd thought... Meine gute, es tute mir leid... Aber, Ich hab grosse Verstehen geweissen~ think ill take another German course next semester.

The Man With the Machine Gun

So many thoughts, and feelings, and for once, they are of relatively positive flow. That's how it feels, anyways... I wonder... hmmm...

Well, some things have kinda developed... I put aside my homework for a week and focused on getting off the streets and now I'm sharing this tight pad with a gnarly Karate master or somethin... dude's a friggin ninja man.

I'm trying to catch up on my schoolwork... which reminds me- it's time for some serious MATH man... I finally turned in last week's video game homework.... so tonight and tomorrow i'll catch up on Math, and the day after I'll do my business class and Video Game homework, then it's back to math and i'll be set... yeah friggin ridiculous lol... man it's so hot in here, it's a freakin sweathouse man... definitely is gonna keep me in shape- sweatin all the time.

I got way more than enough money to cover everything I need.  So it's all about focus right now, and efficiency.  In other words, I'm in my element =)

I just wanna say, I truly do hope the best for mankind... I dream of us disembarking through the Star Ocean like the cats that started this great country- away from the nasty crap we know, to build a new life, with dreams of excellence all around~

Well. I'm just killin sweat and time. Wish I had a good girl right here with me... garrr... I always be thinkin of me next haul of booty... garrr.... m^_^m

Eons

Man... these have been the roughest days of my life.  No, not days... Eons ...

There are none who know the extent of the depth of darkness that consumes the confines of my being....   There are none who can fathom the billions of ripples coalesced in my cerulean-scented, heavily fermented consciousness

No sin could scar this soul
As incomplete as whole

soooooooooooooo

Well things have kind of fallen apart with my girlfriend... I kind of lost touch with her and everyone else for like a couple weeks and when I got my shit together again, things just kind of disintegrated.

The good news is... everything else lol. I'm getting a place, actually gonna shower n shave n go hit up this interview/ apartment viewing. Place sounds pretty good, it's a little on the pricey end but it just comes down to like a few nights less of drinking and partying a month xD small tradeoff for having a place to live!

School's going good... so far.  Got at least an A in all my classes. 

And other than that- I have plenty of freakin money and have a few new friends that're cool to hang out with~ It's been pretty awesome, gotta say it's nice hanging out and just shooting the shit with some cats.

Hopefully I'll be able to post more... but I can't really say.  I am pretty bummed about losing Mary Beth but...

Oh yeah, I got a new phone. And an AWESOME acoustic/electric bass! So when I get a place it'll be pretty sick. Hell once I get situated, I got well more than enough dough to build me a new desktop or buy a new laptop, as well!

So in short- if your name's Mary Beth Gore, SUCKS TO BE YOU! Shoulda stuck with me lol. Have fun with your welfare-livin trailer-drama Show Low white trash lifestyle!

As for me- it's great shamelessly hitting on random babes again. And man do I see a lot of babes hahah ^_^m

been struggling a lot recently with... several things...

i don't know why i've been so depressed >_<

I want to say things are looking better, but, I don't know... just don't know.

Parker Herb

Ahhhh finally the semester is over. I came through ok... could have done better... in fact I intend to... it's MINE why should I share it at all! Now that I think about it I don't feel like parting with it- it's MY ring my prrrrrrre-
>_>
<_<
o_o
lol i have to chill out... man! last night was awesome... this cat i always buy beer for finally let me hang out with him and his homies... man that sounds lame lol but seriously i'm lonely as fuck out here, i have like no friends. but it was legit, we smoked a bowl and honestly it was pretty legit. I can say I actually had a good time for the first time in a LOOOOOOONG time on herbal... man i killed like six beers and two monsters lol... damn that was pretty fun. got work in a couple hours though. gotta make that munnnnny

And what's the deal with Zoxinn..?

Things have been going alright.  I honestly can't complain... I'll feel better once I'm actually out of the umbrella of the semester, but as it is i still have my algebra stuff to do (tomorrow... definitely tomorrow...)

I've been playing the shit out of The Magic Candle. Oh man...

I can't even explain how much I've progressed in that shit. I used to think it was all about starting out with Lukas, Ziyx, Eflun, Sakar, (optional chara), Min... and that seemed pretty legit, too; I had no idea how the game worked or how it panned out or anything. I thought, if anything, these characters would become stronger and be able to 'beat the final boss' like any old RPG.

I must have restarted this game like a couple dozen times in my life, and about three times recently. But it's been a parabolic curve- once I realized that the Crystal Castle characters were leagues beyond any at the start of the game, I made it my goal to get over there ASAP and hook up with some seriously prospectively-powerful homies. I knew about the teleportal in Pheron and Dermagud, and found out that you can warp to Yberton (right by C.C) from there. Ever since I was a little kid, I never forgot the chant to open the mines of Dermagud- 'Achunne Reshiptar Ebitonagzi'.

Hell when I was a kid I thought if I could clear out Dermagud, shit would just work its way from there! lol. Then later on I actually awoke Valon, the God, and once I realized that by awakening Gods you get QUITE a pertinent stat boost, and that was the ONLY way to get stat boosts, shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit....

I used to think it was a big adventure, sailing to Fubernal and raising Min's charisma in Bondell!

Nigga please!

I started out my game like this-

I got Ziyx and Eflun, just for the spell books, and then I hired three halflings with the different jobs, I think it was Miko, Min, and... well some little frigger I would never use other than for money.Jimbo?
errrr to be continued....

~~~continued six days later lol
well here's what i wrote my dad in an email... he's the one that got the game, back when i was a kid. so i felt like i should tell him about my adventure. i kept it pretty brief, but i'm sure he remembered some of the names lol:

had to soothe the unicorn into dropping the green ring using sherro's high call, i had to conquer the tower of Shadrum on the isle of giants, only to find a totally sane and hospitable dude at the top who peaceably forked over the halflings precious circlet, which allowed its wearer to retrieve the shir-aka ash from the elden tree in the wizard town of shiran... and speaking of which, i had to beat the mad wizard's tower at thakass- got him to cough up the blue ring...
he answered pretty much anything i asked him lol he was a real character... but dont get him started on hoddli ducks!
anyways, turns out thakass ported to the hidden dungeon, Sargoz. I tried beating it but had to flee, and regroup... by now i was so rich, from selling diamonds, rupies, topaz, emeralds- n conquering the towers of the Dark Forces in each town like Delkona, Sumruna, Merg... lukas' charisma was 99 of course, that was one of my first investments. that, and getting everyone in my party 99 learning skill... so they could train for +16 at any of the schools... yes i had my three dwarves with greataxes of course, but they spent most of their time using brom bows and picking off what lukas, my wizard, n my elf didn't destroy... i got three copies of the book Zoxinn while in the wizards village... not to mention they were each in possession of a sabano and ishban. they just shared the demaro since its spells were pretty task-specific.. like walkwater, or Pierce, or resurrect. zoxinn was crazy- zapall hit every enemy on the field with half of a fireball... there was a spell, Zex... somethin - dude, it instantly vaporized every enemy's magic shield and destroyed their armor. needless to say Lukas was having everyone chomping up Gonshis after every fight in anticipation of the next one... not to mention our strict diet of drelin every now n then, nift all the time (it absorbed the first three hits- wish i knew that back in the day! geeze! coupled with max shield spells, n like i said, gonshis to give u like three extra moves, luffins to guarantee ur first strike, n mirgets to multiply your damage- good thing Deruvia has pretty lax drug laws!

happy days!

I don't know what it is... today, of all days, I am feeling, so much, the immensity of... despair... crushing down on me like the upper jaw of a dinosaur or sme shit...  I I feel like everything is hopeless... I don't know... I'm like....

:/

 I have so little faith in this world... I know it has so little faith in me....

I can't even complain correctly... I'm so tied up in this linguistic word-snake's tell-tale coil trap. I feel so overwhelmed, unsure if i'm gonna pass my classes or not... I know if I don't, I will never recover from this defeat... it will be the beginning of my end.... however quick or prolonged that ultimate sojourn would be...   In some ways, i am almost welcoming it... I'm so tired of this fuckin Earth bullshit... It's been nothing but the same damn shit every fuckin day since how long man...

I'm just stretched from years of substance abuse, I guess.

It's all going to end someday anyways...

Yeah, I know it's half-glass empty or whatever.  But everything is something. Just cuz you call it out doesn't mean shit. Whoopdy fuckin do.
We either become the people that destroy this planet or we are the people that are destroyed....

Kill or be killed...

hmm

Tis foolishness...

So today... I don't know what it is about today, man... I just feel this intense prolonged anguish, this deep unease... some kind of uncertainty... like something's slipping away from me...

I honestly feel pretty depressed today. I feel like there's no way this college thing is gonna work out for me... I feel like I'm gonna end up going to prison and dying in some stupid ass way...

I wish I could go back and... well I don't know. I guess there's no point in feeling that way...

It just feels like... no matter how much I try, things aren't getting any better. Life doesn't ever really get any better... life changes, and certain things that were bad before may no longer be bad, but in its stead, a new bad replaces it. And it's not just that, either. It's like that for every thing in life... nothing changes... even when shit changes, it's never really new. It's just different shades of the same grey... same shit, different ass, sotospeak.

I want to believe that things will get 'better'... I know they will... but they will also get worse again, too. And it's just foolishness to be so naive as to believe it's not that way, or that it could be different... I've ran my head into the same wall about five million times now- it'd be stupid to think it would be any different.

Maybe a part of me is dying... or maybe this acceptance is just a part of 'growing up'. It's not like I don't care, or that I care any less... It just feels so futile.

Rainbow Gathering

yeaaaah! so I went to this rainbow gathering... it was pretty legit!

Gotta say, it renewed my faith in people in general lol. I'm glad there's some cats out there truly living, loving life man. Good shit! I wish we were all so tightknit, loving, and carefree and open ya know? God bless those children of the sun, man... God bless those crazy, cool cats...

Now, I'm back in Prescott, and I have work tomorrow... barely made it back in time for my Biology Exam... man... Can't WAIT!

All I gotta say is I'm glad to be back on Earth lol... this chick Neptune was pretty cool but.... I love my girl, Mary... she's sooooo good... and I mean it- I probably wouldn't have had this patience, couple years back, but, now... I don't know, I'm a little mellowed out. I can wait- for a gal like her. That's for sure =)

I mean I still check out chick's asses and honestly I can't help but ponder what I could do to them tight little asses... buuuuuuuuut I know i have something rare n beautiful, here... I won't squander it... and God, she's been SO good to me... so DAMN good even when I definitely didn't deserve it..... man I love that gal.

alright i got to get to sleep... maaaaaan... well. a hot shower, a beer and some hard day's work... all awaits me tomorrow. God bless~

Damn that sun feels good

after a long night of crunching numbers, and my sanity lol.

Man. I feel great... Nothing's better than putting in an honest effort- doing what you feel is right, overcoming obstacles as they arise and somehow stumbling forward to see that golden, grand, gay-

wait a sec! this ain't califorrrrrrrnia maaaan!

well, the sun is ahhh quite beautiful O_o oh yes, it is quite so... one could gander at its gilded gaze all gay-

alright- what the funky poodle ith goin on here~!

xD

i'm sorry. today seems to be a day to make gay jokes. or imitate gay people in some dissociated, sadly disturbing way.

funny, how that seems to sprout from that warm yummy feeeling of a glowing, glistening, gay-

*slams door behind as walks away*

Don't pity me- I am where I am, because of my own decisions... we are all fighting this universal non-entity, sort of like the associative property of addition/multiplication...

err

man all I know is, it's friggin cold as duke nukem's pension fund...

oh man.

yeah, it's freakin late. i'm cold. I sorta just wish I would die, but at the same time, I got this far already... might as well keep goin.

Always Forward

It was a cold and wet day today...

I guess it's in our darkest moments that we truly appreciate what we have, aye...

All I have is my purpose- my intent. I'm done being a slave to the thing that made me happy... the thing that makes any man happy...

For what profits a man who gains the world but loses his soul?

God... just thinking of all the things I could do without it... just...

all the things i should have done... >_<

aye.... perspective is a bitch.

Always forward, drill sergeant... 

Another turning point

I'm pretty tired today... really run down. I should be doing a lot of things... shoot I'm just glad I got my laundry done. And hey what do ya know- I'm still alive.

There's so much pain and emptiness in my life right now... just... so much empty space... I want, so much, for this love I have to fill up this void, but by God, I can't do anything to propagate such.

I feel like Squall floating in space, trying to catch Rinoa...

I'm pretty hungry... hmmm...

I don't know...

It was nice, some elderly ladies just came by and I helped them carry some stuff into this room by where I like to set up my laptop, over at the art building.

man, i miss my buddy matt waller... he was a good guy. real good friend... God bless him... hope things are going good for him.

I'm gonna get a new RPG to play today. Idk which one... it's been a while since I played Landstalker, and I actually bought the official version of it from like Yahoo Games...

I tried installing RMXP but it wouldn't work! fuckin- A!

goals

ultimately-

i wanna be able to jump up from my back, no problem, without the assistance of my hands.  I used to be able to do that- that was the peak of my physical fitness...

Now, my capacity has expanded.  I can be much more than I was before... MUUCH more (yeah bring it on, mother fuckers- i will regress you back to an embryotic stage, nigga~

and that's if i'm in a good mood.

^_^

You know, I always had faith in mankind... maybe I just wanted to test it, to prove it was weak, like I was...

But now, it's a matter of pushing beyond my own limits- no concern to what others have done- and being all that I can be, every day.

I miss my old friends, aye, it aches on me so.... I know.... someday... we'll meet again...

I just want to be my best, for that day. And I know they'll be thinkin somethin similar- that's why they're my bros.... I miss em.

(I still want to find out what the hell happened between me and Kristi Wutt, and Christina DePinet... God bless em... especially Kristi... God, I hope she's OK...

For my waterfall~

Man... I gotta say, I am like sexually adroitly charged right now... I have been pretty much since starting college... it's like my hormones are telling me to fuckin, REPRODUCE MAN! But I gotta wait til I get this degree, bro~! MAAAN I'm really falling for this awesome AWESOME!  *eyes roll back into head* SO AWESOME!! *pantpant* beautiful, sweet girl in Show Low... Mary Beth Gore... God bless you baby~ Gosh I love you~! God, words cannot describe... man! GARRRRRR she just... MAN! so cool! lol! I can't even.... *sparkly lost daydreamin upward eyes*

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WELL!
So...
yeah...

I think I might just finish this AAS in Accounting, and then get a degree in computer programming. Honestly I feel good and excellent m^_^m (probably a result of my high-sugar/B-vitamins diet) when my fingers are like strumming on a keyboard or a guitar... Just, I feel so connected and groovin lol its lame to talk about I guess but honestly that's how I feel, simply put. And I've always digged code, the whole concept of computer language is just beautiful, man... I used to do JavaScript (though I knew some HTML), programmed RPGMakerXP games in Ruby, and dabbled in C/++ back in the day. Those were the 'good old days' I should say lol. I would feel spoiled if I could call 'work' sitting in front of a computer all day lol. Probly have to work on my finger/wrist stretches, and just any stretches in general, huh... I'll be fine.. =)

But yeah, if I get an accounting degree and then a computer programming degree, guess what I could do-? Be a techie in any business. Write codes for businesses, maybe, like banks..? Hmm... Idk. I just have realized, being in this environment conductive of learning, that I would honestly enjoy my time learning if I was learning about something I really loved and was passionate and could feel satisfied being a total nerd in, like programming ^_^

Dorky as it sounds, I'm gonna download RPG Maker XP tonight onto the laptop, and stay up a while and 'play' that. I have the paid version still, yes I actually forked like 60, 70 bucks for the license, so I could technically produce a game and sell it on Yahoo if I wanted... Hell, why not do something awesome and constructive like that in my free time? I actually still have my old RMXP dataset/game saved on my server on FileDen... hell I could just start workin on that game, again! MAAAAAN! BRILLIANT!

^_^ God, thank you, thank you, thank you~!


So, in summary- if anything, ultimately I'll become a programmer with a business background; an asset to any large company! And maybe I'll finish an RMXP game in the meantime and make a couple grand on the side after school. It'll look great on my portfolio, if I end up becoming a game programmer :-X

buuuuut who'd think of doin something like that... that's silly... right..?

O_o

P',')=D ~~~<>~~~~ GARRRRRR I DO WHAT I WANT! YOU HAVE PROBREM? *GULP*

xD if you know where that's from, and not just from googling it, i'll send you five dollars via paypal lol.

Et Tou, Brute?

Things are gettin a little... well... honestly... I just don't know how I'm gonna make it lol.  I'll just keep keeping on, ya know, til I run out of fuel, and go from there... but... man! What the hell happened to all my money... I swear to GOD, MAN; IM NEVER GOIN BACK TO THE BARS!

I was a BEAST though! Break dancin, fuckin moonwalkin, doin John Travolta-esque moves all over the place... I was tearin that shit up! I taught those kids what it meant to be alive again!

It's crazy, I did all this homework last night... so now all I have left is accounting and Bio.

I don't know.... I really am just goin with this flow....

Well. Tonight's objectives- obtain a new SNES RPG I can dote all my time and attention on. Super Mario World... fuck yeah... not an RPG, but epic nonetheless... must be conquered, again~

hmmm i'll post screenshots of my progress, I s'pose.

I'd swim- but i wish i never learned

So I was going to the bathroom to drink a beer, and there she was... the bitch that used me.

I swear to God, she DOES have a right to be scared- she knows what she did and it's right up there with smuggling baby unicorns to hell as far as sins go...

Man, I'm sick of talkin about this bitch. Emma Teskey- you're seriously a fuckin... man... fuck her...

Things are going really awesome with Mary~ man she's such a gem... God bless her.... I gotta say, I'm real good at screwing things up.... man... i don't know, what it is, I just have this, numbing, sadness...


I don't know. I guess it's cause I haven't eaten good today? nah that can't be it... i actually am eating pretty well....

i don't know.... i just feel depressed.... it's probably all the alcohol i'm drinking..... i mean, it's always gonna be something, isn't it? if it ain't booze it's be something else. if it wasn't this, it'd be that... 

I don't know. I'm gonna do my sociology homework and then get goin on. Man. That stupid cunt, I really hate her... what a fuckin bitch- i hope she gets raped by like six niggers and gets AIDS and dies. What a pretentious piece of shit. If all you're gonna do in life is validate what you're doing in life, then you should at least be enjoying yourself. At least I went to the party- she stood outside and calculated all the reasons parties were wrong. GUESS WHAT! End of the night- one of us actually enjoyed our life experience- guess who?

THIS GUY!

alright I seriously need to cheer up. i'll finish this sociology shit and get somethin hot to eat... talk to someone that genuinely wants me in their life... someone i should be grateful for.

Love you, Mary~ <3

~Let's Swim to the Moon~

My dreams are so big, they can't be even expressed without my incredibly furry alligator wantin a bitin~

alright, enough poodlin~ ya know, there's this sweet, sweet gal... she lives out in Show Low... she takes care of her grandparents all the time because her parents are in a feud with em... man, she's such a diamond... she's so damn amazing...

Every time we talk, it's like, everything is perfect.  It's crazy... I don't know... I just... I really love this gal... she's so beautiful, sweet, and innocent and at the same time, she's rough, and adventurous, and happy-go-lucky~ personified~ definitely...

Man, she's been there throughout these past couple years as I've done crazy shit, ya know... I mean that says something doesn't it..? =) God... Mary Elizabeth Gore... man, I don't know, she just... might be the answer to all my love questions lol.  She's got a perfect score so far... that's for sure... and even if she has some negative component- one thing I've learned is that true love flows regardless of, say, any sewage, or plumbing issues, or anything that might leak ya know (metaphorically speakin)... it keeps on goin on... just like our friendship has been relentless and yet, at the same time, so composed, and careful, compassionate and tender... she really is a great gal... I hope I can work hard enough that I can get a good grade in all my classes and get all the financial aid I should have got, this next semester... I want to go out to show low, and pick her up and take her back to some place that's so good, and healthy, and happy... I'll nurture that baby girl til she can't stand my affection any more ^_^

Man... gosh.... I really love her, like I've never loved anyone else...

I'm gonna start off pretty rough here...

There was this gal in my life, and she was... welll imagine the impact a shooting star has on ur little moon when it comes shooting past man... idk.. all I gota say is.. apparently... I really hurt her... and I had NO clue... she didn't lead on at all...  And I feel so bad because she's such a genuinely pure, beautiful, awesome cat... but then again there is a dark side of the moon... she has treated me so cold and inhumanely disgusting... honest to God, I don't know why I go through the effort.

I have such a sweet gal that wants to be my girlfriend/ wife... soulmate... everything! she lives out in Show Low... I just have to have a income and a place to live, and I can pick her up and we can live together... and honestly I think if we do, God it will be so harmonious...

Mr Green, in the conservatory, with the bong

Alright I'm gonna say something that might sound kinda crazy...

It seems that weed always resurfaces in my life, like it wants me...

Today I went to the store to buy a drink, a 40oz of beer, and I figured I would buy it and play on the laptop all night and just chill out... i even offered to buy this homeless guy a drink... I don't know. for some reason, my card would not work at the register, as debit or credit...

I hitched a ride with some dude that wanted some weed, and I showed him the area where this weed dealer lives and shit, and he dropped me off by the college, where i scrambled up to find... that my account is positive over three hundred dollars, so... i don't know what the fuck happened at albertsons man...

man, all I wanted was to get drunk and maybe get some other cats drunk/happy too... but it's like God diverted me specifically to this pothead... i don't know... i believe in some funky shit, i guess. But that seems to me to be legit...

I don't know though... I'm doing great without weed in my life.  I really don't feel like going out of my way to get it ya know. it's just not worth it...

The light side of the force

I'm catching up really well on my homework... I still have a crap ton to do- A couple essays for Sociology due by tonight, after my water cardio class I guess, and then by tomorrow night I have to have my Accounting problems done... those'll take me a couple hours after Bio tomorrow to complete.

God, I just gotta say, I love women right now. I just love the way their breasts are shaped, the way their hips curve, their tight perky asses and the mysterious creases of their crotch that just draw my gaze and make it difficult for me to walk anywhere without poking someone's eye out... I could stare at some chicks all DAY, I swear... I don't know what it is, I've been so fucking horny lately, it's fucking crazy... I've been out dancing the past couple weekends and even though I was like John Travolta out there, with everyone just like watching me and nodding and cheering and shit, I still couldn't get any action... I don't know what it is, I just ain't good at picking up chicks. I'm either too forward, or not forward enough... I got no subtlety, I guess.

I miss being with my exes, having steady sex and shit... just not having to worry about it, I mean that was such a big advantage for me... just knowing I could hook up with them at any time and have a real good fucking, shamelessly enjoyable time, for both of us- it was nice. Sometimes I'd treat them extra good and give them lots of attention, sotospeak, and other times I would bluntly (al beit shyly) ask for the same in return... it was good shit though, ya know. The best was when I was living with my ex, Amanda, in our apartment. We had such good sex, God... I'd come home from work and get naked with her and just lay in bed while she got on the computer or watched me play Castlevania, or we'd play something together... that was the best man.

Things were going good with this Emma bitch too, although there was this kind of space between us that we never seemed to fill.  It was like we were each holding back something, I guess... but we had alright sex... We both could've probly worked on our oral game a little, but it was really intimate and fuckin sexy...

Me and Amanda were pretty tight, though. (Well she wasn't as tight as Emma but... OHHH xD how scandalous, I know I shouldn't post that kinda shit but... alas... truth is truth. It's my blog, go fuck urself) but seriously, me and Amanda were SO tight, that shit was great.  Just the way our eyes would meet, hell even when we weren't having sex, it was still just so intense and pure, meeting her gaze... I felt like I saw everything about her and just loved it, every time I looked into those eyes... and what's nicer is that i honestly felt like she was looking back at me and feeling the same way.... guess I was wrong though.

Well I gotta get to this water aerobics class. Time to hang out with some old freakin ladies n shit... hope there's some babes....  garrrrr well I'm going out with this awesome gal in Show Low right now, I really should keep my shit in check.  More about that later.... yeah, I'ma blog righteously bout that tonight.

She lives on love street, lingers long on Alder

It's terrible, that you can give your heart to someone and have them reject it, as if they had seen the whole package deal and just said 'nah, you're shitty, i could do better...'

I guess it's how fat chicks feel when they get rejected solely on their weight.  They are usually beautiful peoples, man, but it's just a bummer. They either do two things-  lose weight, for whatever reason, or stay the way they are, and find someone who accepts them for it.  I guess in the end, it boils down to whether YOU are happy with who you are... are you content being a fatso? If so, more power to ya man! If not, then, Godspeed in your endeavors~ anything is possible especially now in this day and age.

We can do whatever we want in this life... I guess I should take it as a great sign, of things to come-! That I should find someone who sees me plainly and clearly and rejects me, yeah, then I should find someone who does just the opposite- not the reciprocal; I want my partner... well I guess it doesn't matter whether they see me in disillusion or not... that's their own journey... if I can be there with them, and continue on forward with them, then, hey that's righteous~ hopefully we can astrive to better clarify ourselves, together- our sight as we relate observances by squinting into the light of God's breaking dawn, so-to-speak...

Honestly, she gave pretty crappy head, though I was willing to instruct her further in the art of fellatio~ as I was a willing student in the object of her beautiful, warm, sweet and tight nectar-succulating clitoral veneration~

Aye, to give so much, yet be rejected so cleanly and precisely... hopefully the inverse, as I said before, is eminent.

I love her still... I truly do.  But she does not know what love is, nor how to love... it is a source of my great pain that I should allow her to slip through my grasp without emboldening her, solidifying the principles of my, nay, the universe's love in perpetuity~

For what are we but an edifice in the choral reef of love on the side of the colossal oceanic cliff between the known and the unknown~

The Day After... Dark World... Searching For Friends...

It's amazing how temporal all things are...

I'm ashamed to say it, but I am so damn lonely... I feel like nothing- no amount of social acceptance or status, or intimacy with any one will ever satisfy this void, this hunger for closeness that perpetuates beyond all relapses of love and comfort.

Yet I must persist... with such a gaping open wound, I must continue forward.  How I do so is the bent of my nature, my character, my rulebook of life, or whatever.

God, the nights are cold here.  I'm definitely doing my laundry tomorrow.  Washing all my clothes, so they're nice and warm. The trouble is getting it to and from my bush without people noticing... garrr, people, man.

Luckily the people of Prescott have been incredibly kind and genuine. I find an innate warmth here that has been lacking in the ghost of the world I lived in before...

Fear escapes through the window
Like the sands pulled back into sea
Latching onto what is precious
Closely held, I think, it's me

For if I am an ocean
Then drifting, all my sailors be,
For no shore is found on any side
Nor no tempest wreaks through me
Still and placid I am always
Such a torture it must be
For those who boldly, barely sail
Like mice running round through endless hallways
Nothing new, to no avail

Man even my poetry is lame... well...

I used to have friends.  My friends kinda pissed me off but at least they wanted to be around me.  Now, I have no one that wants to be around me... Everyone's doing their own thing.  I wonder about those cats sometimes... but it's not like they've ever gone out of their way to reconnect with me. They don't care about me, as much as I don't care about them. I'm sure they all think of me, too, sometimes... Maybe we're just waiting for the right time, when it's easy, and seems right to reconnect.

I want to say that a Warrior makes his own will- that I can GET these friends back, if I want.

Aye, it seems I can't decide whether to use them as a stepping stone to new friends, or keep them and love them as they are... But why would I want friends that never made a single effort to get back in touch with me? I've tried several times to reconnect, honestly. I remember trying to call Lucas, going to his house, and waiting for hours... I did that a couple times... Dylan, Nick, I tried to get a hold of on Facebook.

It's always been my principle belief that you have all the tools you need right here- God provides all we need for any dream or endeavor.

Good God, it's freakin cold tonight... definitely below freezing, or right around there... I have plenty of food and water so I can endure through the night should I so desire...

Hell... I was supposed to do homework. But honestly, homework can wait til daylight lol when it's not below FREEZING xD

*sigh* wish I had stopped by my bush and grabbed my whiskey.  That'd warm me up...

Though I don't think any outside warmth can warm up this void, cold inside me... by the time it did I'd be burned away lol. 

Yeah this is some angsty shit. Ahh well...

It was so good dancing tonight... man.  I'm like a friggin celebrity at the bars...

I don't know... might go to my little burrow, just to get warm. Wish the school was open... I could use a hot shower right now... aye, that'd be nice...

I suppose if I really wanted to I could get a motel room for the night but it's such a waste of money.

Alright, I'm done ramblin... I send my love, as always... God bless~