what have i really been avoiding...

all these years..?

i've said it was depression, which is understandable, but really... perhaps it is boredom.

perhaps it is responsibility for my life. who knows... I wish I could just pick a path and stick with it. But it's impossible to just choose a path and be content. One always experiences doubt, or remorse, or just plain old wondering what 'could be'. Perhaps the sights we see on our chosen path are indeed marvelous, yet one can't help but wonder what other sights we are missing, by seeing what we do see. It is impossible for me to enjoy, fully, any given path, for that simple enjoyment carries with it a burden. I often choose to just enjoy it as much as I can, anyways, knowing I am, in some ways, inescapably ignorant.

my sight is not all-seeing, however. Just like my happiness, I must embrace it, despite knowing this. And hope that in doing so I am able to move forward...

It's unavoidable- the doubts, the uncertainty. The sadness, the depression, the anger and hate. Is it not those who believe themselves righteous that so often lay just as deeply on the other side of the spectrum..?  Is not the mountain crest as deep and far away to the lowest valley as the valley is to it..?

We could ride these tides forever, climbing at once, falling again.  We could wear the most clouded goggles of all-seeing wisdom, or shoulder the heaviest wings of freedom... for as I said, even embracing the deepest valley will only put us that much farther from the highest mountaintop.

And whether we believe ourselves right or wrong, whether drinking from the half-empty or half-full cup, or donning the blinding goggles of wisdom or flying on stone wings of 'fuck it', we are at once both ultimately right yet inescapably wrong.

As a society we attempt to agree on common values.  Yet those values themselves are at once a truth and yet a lie. Even these words I write now, seemingly brimming with self-righteous wisdom, are as phallic as they are... well, the point is made.

And so I delve the depths of these oceans, yearning for the heights of the greatest birds... just one electron on the polar opposite side of the other electron, that circles endlessly as well, searching for me in a sense, yet never getting closer nor farther. To stop this ceaseless march is to embrace death, or so they say... for none who go down that road have returned to tell the tale. How fitting, that the ultimate mystery is thought to be the end of all mystery, itself. Or perhaps the start of a brand new mystery...

Another globe of endless oceans...

Frog fist yo face, nyugga

It really hurts that my friends from so long ago haven't even given a half-shit enough about me to... well, do anything...

People say 'that's what happens when ya grow up, just buckle up and yada yada'

Right..

It's crazy.  I used to be so ecstatic about my relationships with all of them and whatnot, and now that they're gone, honestly, well, I've just found other ways to get by... and they're a helluva lot better than any way I had with them. Just goes to show ya- the truly brazen can take the worst of circumstances and turn it around into their favour.  Cuz honestly, it sucks havin ur so-called friends turn out to be shallow, hollowed-husks of half-human souls.  I know that better than anyone...

Well it's time to move forward- I'm moving in a different timescale than those tadpoles and I haven't got the patience nor energetic resources to sustain a co-habitable environment with said amphibians.

Comics on page C3

This life ain't so bad...

Hell, even in my worst- case scenarios, I end up in some... well point is, shit is what you make it.  I can be rolling in the ritz or glammin in the glitz, ya know, but...

Damn this life's been rough on me, man.  As a guy who specifically indicates he does not want any part of rough or bogus, etc, it seems that without fail I'm drawn into the most stupid and horrendous circumstances possible. 

I just hope that someday, I can really give back to this world.  I'm so friggin tired of beggin, just beggggggggggin for a little more, aye?  It really bums me out, thinking of how much shit I've taken advantage of, without even knowing it...  I fully intend to repay my kharmic debts... though I know it will bring me to a point between hate and love, happy and sad, misery and ecstasy... such is the way of shit, eh? Maybe Carl Jung had it almost in the bag- maybe this universe is pretty dualistic.  Or maybe that's just all our awareness' are capable of focusing on, so we make that our primary digression.  Somethin like that... gya, every time I'm close to that 'borderline', somethin epic just swooshes me away with its immensity so I can barely fathom it, nor remember the previous...

...alright that's a bit too in-depth.  But fuck life.  Fuck all the unbelievers and fuck all the...

ya know Jimi Hendrix once said, 'I'm the one that's got to die, when it's time for me to die- so let me live my life the way I want to'...

...'Tis foolishness! If all were so easy, why- none would suffer in this world~!

Analytically, I assault- animate things

The nature of my condition in relation to DXM-

I was a wee lad of naught 15 years of age when I first imbibed what would become my soul’s sole companion on this gnarly voyage through the cosmic wasteland known as reality.

I entreat yee, an interesting supposition- no, I remiss… it is already too late.  I tried again and again to regain the thread of thought that lead to what seemed insurmountable brilliance on my part, only to find that the way was closed… almost as if, it had never opened…

For some reason, a Russian dialect has overtaken the general compass of my mind.  It is now the navigating, aye, directing voice, and honestly, it sounds pretty good- da?

So, pre-existing neurological astrays aside, I may be the most illiterate of all autistic children in the United States.  That said, here we go.

Keep in mind that these recollections and such are coming from me as I am now- a 1000+mg/day tripper for the past seven or so years, at least.  And that’s an understatement… if you calculated the net losses of all the stores and towns I’ve robbed clean of DXM (in its proprietary form), you would have one helluva tab, man.  That’s why kharma has been sucking so friggin bad for me… that’s why I literally just feel like I’m ready to face the music….

Though, honestly, I wish I could just better myself and pay off those kharmic debts, myself, when I am financially sound.  Or at least, making enough money that such would be akin to a billionaire paying his taxes, etc.

Music nowadays shouldn’t be so crappy that you should be rewarded for coming up with something that can be nodded off as ‘acceptable’ or ‘legit’ given the right amount of presentation or bravado, or combination of both.  These niggas out here nowadays think that as long as they can hold they front, they can bang that billion-buck cunt.  But those mother fuckers are just doin what they can get away with- and even if ‘they hard’ when it boils down to it, point is the mother fuckers just some useless lumps of flesh that wanna get lazy, so they act a bit craaaaaazy, ya know what I’m sayin- we, don’t have to take shit from this rich bitches… anyone pumpin that shit only sayin they following in they grit, can’t light they own light they blind like a candleless jack- jumpin over bullshit, yeah, them niggas be WHACK

Yeah all of us capable of all the voices of this planet.  But we each our own, right now, and we resound with a poundin sound that don’t let no mother fucker down~

There are NO cats in America~!

There exists a flame inside each and every one of us.  This flame burns continually- from the brilliant moment of its (often unwelcome) inception, to the bitter last dying breath exhaled like the cool wind of the desert at night.

Fire exists in our hearts and in our souls, aye, but the true flame has yet to be grasped.  We are but sparks of the ultimate, greater combustion that will incinerate all in its volcanic vulge of ecstasy and venom-resonate volleros~

A man once told me, “Ya gotta walk the walk, and talk the talk.  And when ya walk, ya walk tall, and proud, and carry a big stick.  And I will SHOOT any mother fuckin’ tweakers or niggers that come around here, tryin’ to get into my shit!”

That’s a hard cup of fire to swallow. Especially being a borderline tweaker, myself.  No, I never hit the shit- well, okay, maybe once, err, twice… But hell, if that was the least of my worries I’d be a happy man.  I’m an honest son of a bitch, I tell you what.  And I know there are more cats out there that will testify to that than you can shake a sherry shot at. 

I’ve lived a hard-ass life, that’s for damn sure.  Been up and down these rivers, oh, I been up and down these rivers…  Were I born a ferryman, I’d drop my wings and ride the nearest boat to the southlands.  Heart of a negro in me, I tell you what.  Maybe it’s just that repressed, slave-like sentiment, I don’t know.  Something ‘bout it calls me open like the gates of darkness in wake of St. Elmos’ fire.

But what’s all this talk about fire and what-have-you?  Why am I sitting around, wondering these radical notions, in such a mysterious time, in such a magical place?  For, ever has been the plaguing mind that insults the dignity of mine hind… such a juxtaposition I must assume, will come crawling right back to me, none too soon…

Justice is the one thing you will always find~

When it boils down to it, everything is a matter of energy...

an equation, with either a positive or a negative on the line...

and sometimes you don't come out quite equally, that's for damn sure.

sometimes you add to that damn little equation, and sometimes you take all you can...

it. is.

a.

FUCKED.

UP

WORLD

dude!

that much I can say. 


sometimes, we know what our little walk of destiny is.  How we react to that is a marvel of the spirit, in some cases.  In other cases, even with the best of us, it's fuckin brutal. It's like we have to show just how good and bad we can be... maybe we think that makes us that much more impressive?  To be so capable/diverse?  But isn't it a hindrance to hold on to old beliefs and prowesses/ etc

I don't know... bitches fuck up mah flow... that much, i know... yo...  see what i mean...

ahhh fuck it. my brain's too enticed to fight it.  I just gotta roll with the punches and go with the blows... maybe by the morning I'll feel something, yo.   Gotta admit that I'm losting this crazy old fight

between the lyrics, the words
and what just feels right

I feel like an old soldier
lost and forgot

left at the stern
to casually rot

i am no explorer
i am no good man

i am disillusion
in a poker-faced hand

i want nothing special
no forgiveness or love

i want, only
homely
at the push
or the shove

dont forget to include me
in all of your wants
for i am but a chased, and
invisible haunt