what have i really been avoiding...

all these years..?

i've said it was depression, which is understandable, but really... perhaps it is boredom.

perhaps it is responsibility for my life. who knows... I wish I could just pick a path and stick with it. But it's impossible to just choose a path and be content. One always experiences doubt, or remorse, or just plain old wondering what 'could be'. Perhaps the sights we see on our chosen path are indeed marvelous, yet one can't help but wonder what other sights we are missing, by seeing what we do see. It is impossible for me to enjoy, fully, any given path, for that simple enjoyment carries with it a burden. I often choose to just enjoy it as much as I can, anyways, knowing I am, in some ways, inescapably ignorant.

my sight is not all-seeing, however. Just like my happiness, I must embrace it, despite knowing this. And hope that in doing so I am able to move forward...

It's unavoidable- the doubts, the uncertainty. The sadness, the depression, the anger and hate. Is it not those who believe themselves righteous that so often lay just as deeply on the other side of the spectrum..?  Is not the mountain crest as deep and far away to the lowest valley as the valley is to it..?

We could ride these tides forever, climbing at once, falling again.  We could wear the most clouded goggles of all-seeing wisdom, or shoulder the heaviest wings of freedom... for as I said, even embracing the deepest valley will only put us that much farther from the highest mountaintop.

And whether we believe ourselves right or wrong, whether drinking from the half-empty or half-full cup, or donning the blinding goggles of wisdom or flying on stone wings of 'fuck it', we are at once both ultimately right yet inescapably wrong.

As a society we attempt to agree on common values.  Yet those values themselves are at once a truth and yet a lie. Even these words I write now, seemingly brimming with self-righteous wisdom, are as phallic as they are... well, the point is made.

And so I delve the depths of these oceans, yearning for the heights of the greatest birds... just one electron on the polar opposite side of the other electron, that circles endlessly as well, searching for me in a sense, yet never getting closer nor farther. To stop this ceaseless march is to embrace death, or so they say... for none who go down that road have returned to tell the tale. How fitting, that the ultimate mystery is thought to be the end of all mystery, itself. Or perhaps the start of a brand new mystery...

Another globe of endless oceans...