And so my walk begins...

Eh, school ain't lookin too great this semester... I'll be lucky to pull through with a B-average.

They really knocked the shit out of me, and fast, this semester; it just seems like, compared to last year, shit's gotten a lot harder...

I'm probably just getting used to it.  First you feel on top of the world, then you go through the valley of shit, then you feel better again... yada yada yada.

...I really lack a goal in life, ya know?  Like, I should have a list or something... 'retire by 50', 'travel overseas before thirties', 'have 100k saved by 30' or some shit, ya know?  That's what our problem is, I believe, as a species- we lack a whole purpose.  Everyone is left to find their own, and we're all supposed to somehow unanimously come to the conclusion that-

...and then that's it. You're in this world. A part of it. What's the conclusion? That's up to you.

THERE'S NO FOCUS! There's no ultimate goal! I suppose in a sense this is 'freedom', but wouldn't it be just that much more miraculous if we were all free but decided to work together?  Yeah yeah, that's what we're doing right now, but towards WHAT.

All of our dreams are self-serving.  No one would die for the human race!  And if they did, it'd only be to make a point, for themselves, and their legacy!

Well, that stinks like a load of bullshit for some reason.

What I'm getting at, is, we should be focusing on outer space.  Why do we need a crisis just to unite? It's like we can't get along unless we're fighting this battle, or defending ourselves from these people... but what a true gesture of the human spirit, if, despite it all, we make progress in progressing through the unknown.

~~~

I really feel like I haven't said shit in this whole thang.

I've been thinkin about my old friends a lot lately... it sucks- I wish I could just either stop thinking about them and let it go or fix shit or something... It feels like I should know what to do, but I don't think I can or even want to do it.  I don't want to tell myself 'hey, those guys suck, find new friends', but at the same time... thinking about them just stirs something in me that makes me uncomfortable...

And it's not just them, either- I look back on most of my life with that same hesitant uncertainty, like I won't like what I find. 

I know that doing a defined Recapitulation like CC described is probably the best way to juice the experience points from all these past battles, but just like my progress in Dreaming, it's a tentative endeavor, at best.

*sigh* so much uncertainty... well there are a lot of things in my past that stand out, that are pretty damn embarrassing. More experiences than could fill all the pages of this blog, for sure...

That's why some cats write autobiographies, I think, or have biographies written for them. But I don't have the luxury of being famous and important enough to have someone willing to probe me about my past... hell I don't even have friends or lovers who will do that for me!

Yeah, those fuckers are lucky- I got the ass-end of the stick, that's for sure. At least they have each other.  It won't stop me from moving forward, however.

~~~~

I got a bunch of stuff to do today...  gotta finish this graphic design project, for starters... think I'll go on a morning walk, listen to some music, maybe get a Mickey's from the gas station over by the mountain.... ahhh the mountain... now there's something I could slobber my love and attention all over, and it still would just soak it right up no problem... man... I haven't gone on a hike in months... these jogs and walks around the foothills are nothing... nothing at all compared to...

hmmm alright... I'll go on a morning walk, finish my graphic design project, and for the first time in a long time I'll have shit so caught up I can go out on the mountain and clear my damn head. I haven't had the chance to get some space in a while... I've been resorting to small forms of similar sustenance, such as weeping with plants, away from the gazes of others, in roadside ditches... ok that only happened once...

Man... it was a heavy day like any other xD anyways I was drunk and sitting by this cactus I always sit by... and I realized how painful and helpless its life must be, as well, and how we, people, are (to the cactus) just as unknowable, mysterious, yet life-alteringly forceful, as our own unending, cyclical struggles with the unknowable forces of God/ the universe.  It made my heart bleed, just thinking of how cruel- in such an offhand way- we have been to these poor creatures that inhabit this planet with us... It got me thinking about Nausicaa and how pained she felt for the Ohms...  And to think, I didn't even have anything to offer this cactus except my understanding and hope... it just really got to me... I even (I was piss-blood drunk, aye) gently held one of its long, spiny fronds or whatever you call them, and held it tight in my hand, despite the minor pricking... I think that's when I cried...  What a fucked up lil world, man... I had so many emotions I couldn't even describe one of em...

Friggin a, I gotta go on a walk, get my shit rollin. Peace, Sunshine, Love, Magic and Music nyugga~

De Scriptor

Well I tried, again, to lay off the dexation and lasted like one day.  Woke up an hour before homework was due and went straight to the store... still got both of them in on time though.

Man a crazy thing happened last night... err, today... I had a really intense sensation/vision of selling my soul to the devil, so-to-speak.  It was an agreement of sorts, to attain all that I've wanted in exchange for... well it probably was just an illusion.  Still, it felt pretty real.

I did realize the extent of how dream recall can affect our waking consciousness... And I had some serious realizations regarding my own path.

I want to get the Castaneda books and read through them again- my main queries are Stalking, and Recapitulation...

Oh man... that reminds me... I had this other vision, it was clear and concise, fuckin precisely immaculate... I heard/felt/saw the lines of the world, so-to-speak... lol funny to speak of something so intense in such an offhand way, but honestly it was everything I thought it would be, which in itself was surprising.  There was so much life and activity I could barely focus on a specific part of it, much less glance at the whole thing (or what filled my narrow canal of perception), but there were many overt patterns, on a grand scale.  It really was as much hearing as feeling, or sight... vague in all regards but the glimpses of each, overlapping at an incredible speed, were staggering in their implications.

I can see how Castaneda can be seen as an embellisher of sorts... whether he was exaggerating the deeds of an old fogy or not,  great practical advice just drips from his writing, convoluted with his own exaggerations it may be.  In short, it's really good stuff- as good as a Bible, as far as I'm concerned, for teaching one how to live.  I'll let my words speak for themselves, though... I'll be rereading all of the eight main books over the next couple months (among other things I'll be reading).

Ahhh so much to do, so little freakin time man. So little freakin time...

Short Story

Good God it's already the 19th?!

Man I got so much fuckin homework to do... seriously if I don't get 100% caught up in all my classes this week I'ma off myself. fml

Just 8 ounces to freedom, so I take that walk

Man idk what my problem is...

I have everything RIGHT there in front of me- it's so easy! All I have to do is this god damn homework! THAT'S ALL I HAVE TO DO!!

Yet it's the very last thing that I feel like doing.

I've always followed my gut, but this time my gut is telling me to do something that I don't want...

How is that even friggin possible?

Seriously...

All I have to do is this homework. If I could just sit down and grind down like one after the next and just get it done, hell it would take me maybe three days of steady working and I'd be all caught up and I'd feel awesome~

It's like I enjoy having my back against the wall, I swear.  I have everything I've hoped for and more, and it's like I just want to throw it all away.  What's the fuckin deal?

I mean you'd think I'd be grateful... fuck, shit is really starting to go good for me. Sure there's some shit I have to face once I'm done with school, which I can't really go into but, let's just say it's the only thing standing between me and the rest of my life. I don't fear it nor do I resent it (I'll do what I have to do to make things right) but...

Hmmm maybe that's what it is. It just feels like even doing my schoolwork, I'm just running from what I have to do.  But that's not the only reason I'm in school, hell no lol! Naw that ain't it...

I've always done this- always shot myself in the damn foot right at the critical moment.  It's like, I don't want the world to judge me. I don't want them to see all that I am... I'll always have some crutch, or condition that makes others suspend or lighten their judgement of me.

It's scary, to say 'this is my best'.  I doubt very much that most of us even man up and can honestly say that, without a tinge of conscience. Well, I'm manning up and admitting that I'm a god damn coward. Will I change? I doubt it.  I live life the way I am comfortable- I'll just have to make some slight alterations, is all.  I don't even know what they are but I know for fuck sure, I have to do this damn homework...

I'm goin to the store, gettin more ammunition for my chemical-caliber cold-steel shotgun. Blow my benign brains into oblivion... Err... dirty metaphor... Kurt Cobain does not approve.

Lmao- I tried typing Kurt Kobain and it came up as a spelling error til I changed it to C... wow.  The internet is the mother of all intellectual incest.  Just look at what we've created...

Talk about caged birds singin, momma mia...

Old unpublished thoughts

So many things in my life are unresolved...

It's hard to speak, when words are so temporary...  meaning, itself, is temporary...

Nothing exists but the moment...

How vain, of a man, to speak of death- for there is no greater uncertainty. Hahah that last statement validated everything I just said...

Hypocrisy is unavoidable for any who live. 

The Turks

Find someone in your life that's almost boring to you- they will be the one to surprise you most....

Ya know it's funny- weed can be considered a 'gateway drug' right? Well, it should also be considered an 'exit drug'; if you have a patient who is in desperate need of a substance that can be relied on to shoulder the burden of a crippling drug addiction, then marijuana is a definite candidate.

This shit is growing in popularity and 'acceptance'; it won't be long before it is as common to smoke a joint outside, as a tobacco cigarette!

*END IDEOLOGICAL ADVERTISEMENT*

~~~~~~~

Miserable Little Pile of Secrets

Momma mia things are not going so smooth...

Yeah what's new eh.  I swear it's ridiculous- how can people stand the redundancy of life?  Are they so craven and self-serving they can't ignore the chance to refine themselves more and more until there's nothing left but the tiniest identifiable-by-microscope-only grain of sand? 

It makes me wonder... what's driving me... why am I persisting... why am I not leaping forward for something eagerly?

I'm so timid... I spend so much of my time dabbling in insecurities and possibilities that I lose touch with reality, and the true scope of things... Just look at that last fuckin sentence for God's sake...

I don't think I'll ever have a stable 'scope' of things, but it isn't like I'm useless... my purpose remains unclear but persist I will... for better or for worse, good or bad, dark or light, hope or despair...

Goals... goals.... most people have real, tangible goals don't they...

"What is a man..? A miserable little pile of secrets!"

If I can make a game someone can quote with as much enthusiasm as I do with my favorite games, I'll be happy...

Well I'll be happy just to friggin finish a project, really.

Actually the game is coming along pretty well... Most of the major maps are constructed but there's plenty of breathing room for my own expansions down the road...

Heh, it's kind of a beautiful thing... it's a real work of passion, that's for sure- this whole game-making process. I definitely was right when I told my ma that it was a halfway point for me; it's business but it isn't ALL business like just straight Accounting, and it's creativity but not just... well it's like refining that creativity.  It's like the point when a guy says 'hey I don't just play guitar- I perform', or 'I don't just draw- I'm an artist'.

Ahhhh where's beer when ya need it... such sharp corners when things could be so smooth...

Liquor : Beer :: Beer : Water

Above word association dealio presented by yours truly.

How is it possible.  Seriously.  How IS it possible, that my nigga ass can be so damn unhappy regardless of anything goin on in his life. Yes, his. As in, surely I'm not this pathetic man-child I see before me... Yes, before me. Because I'm so innately dissociated that I have to make an active effort to speak in the first person. Yes. First person. First person I see gonna get a foot in they vajayjay!

*snaps fingers blackly*

Holy hell. I think this is the most amount of money I've ever had and not fuckin blown right off the bat, ever.  Usually I'd have gone out drunk/high as fuck and bought a guitar, or gone on an extensive blackout where I wake up grateful to still have a couple bucks and a non-soaked pair of pants laying on the other side of the puke pile. Well that only happened once but point is... well if you need that point pointed out to you, you might be a circle cuz you ain't too sharp!

...

Yeah late night/ early morning over here... woke up on the wrong side of an overdose, again, too burnt out to live, and too burnt out to do anything about it... I'll probly consider typing this as 'progress' enough to warrant laying in the bathtub for an hour...  I don't know why but I feel like I can let go and sing in there... it's a feeling I'd like to nurture that's for sure... Wouldn't mind having a whole damn field of that feeling... It'd be A Feelding of Dreams...  Though waking up would be optional...

Hmm ya know what that sounds a whole lot like? Death! And/or life! Life is sort of like a dream, cuz we can wake up anytime we want but usually choose to just draw it out.  Perhaps death is similar... or maybe whatever force devours our consciousness dreams us...

Well that's probably going in to my rapidly-expanding (exponentially actually...) 'don't tell the doctor' folder. I should just archive that shit, or hell, just delete it... luckily we have the internet nowadays so I can just dump this shit out there, then if I ever need it down the road I can look it up...

Wow that is eerily too believable of a metaphor. Or, double entendre.

Man what if diseases and illnesses are merely the result of chemical poisonings in the very air, water, and food we process... Like a doctor goes on the news and says 'yeah there's one of these outbreaks in this region' when really it's just a result of a slip-up at hq or in the factory or some shit.