And so my walk begins...

Eh, school ain't lookin too great this semester... I'll be lucky to pull through with a B-average.

They really knocked the shit out of me, and fast, this semester; it just seems like, compared to last year, shit's gotten a lot harder...

I'm probably just getting used to it.  First you feel on top of the world, then you go through the valley of shit, then you feel better again... yada yada yada.

...I really lack a goal in life, ya know?  Like, I should have a list or something... 'retire by 50', 'travel overseas before thirties', 'have 100k saved by 30' or some shit, ya know?  That's what our problem is, I believe, as a species- we lack a whole purpose.  Everyone is left to find their own, and we're all supposed to somehow unanimously come to the conclusion that-

...and then that's it. You're in this world. A part of it. What's the conclusion? That's up to you.

THERE'S NO FOCUS! There's no ultimate goal! I suppose in a sense this is 'freedom', but wouldn't it be just that much more miraculous if we were all free but decided to work together?  Yeah yeah, that's what we're doing right now, but towards WHAT.

All of our dreams are self-serving.  No one would die for the human race!  And if they did, it'd only be to make a point, for themselves, and their legacy!

Well, that stinks like a load of bullshit for some reason.

What I'm getting at, is, we should be focusing on outer space.  Why do we need a crisis just to unite? It's like we can't get along unless we're fighting this battle, or defending ourselves from these people... but what a true gesture of the human spirit, if, despite it all, we make progress in progressing through the unknown.

~~~

I really feel like I haven't said shit in this whole thang.

I've been thinkin about my old friends a lot lately... it sucks- I wish I could just either stop thinking about them and let it go or fix shit or something... It feels like I should know what to do, but I don't think I can or even want to do it.  I don't want to tell myself 'hey, those guys suck, find new friends', but at the same time... thinking about them just stirs something in me that makes me uncomfortable...

And it's not just them, either- I look back on most of my life with that same hesitant uncertainty, like I won't like what I find. 

I know that doing a defined Recapitulation like CC described is probably the best way to juice the experience points from all these past battles, but just like my progress in Dreaming, it's a tentative endeavor, at best.

*sigh* so much uncertainty... well there are a lot of things in my past that stand out, that are pretty damn embarrassing. More experiences than could fill all the pages of this blog, for sure...

That's why some cats write autobiographies, I think, or have biographies written for them. But I don't have the luxury of being famous and important enough to have someone willing to probe me about my past... hell I don't even have friends or lovers who will do that for me!

Yeah, those fuckers are lucky- I got the ass-end of the stick, that's for sure. At least they have each other.  It won't stop me from moving forward, however.

~~~~

I got a bunch of stuff to do today...  gotta finish this graphic design project, for starters... think I'll go on a morning walk, listen to some music, maybe get a Mickey's from the gas station over by the mountain.... ahhh the mountain... now there's something I could slobber my love and attention all over, and it still would just soak it right up no problem... man... I haven't gone on a hike in months... these jogs and walks around the foothills are nothing... nothing at all compared to...

hmmm alright... I'll go on a morning walk, finish my graphic design project, and for the first time in a long time I'll have shit so caught up I can go out on the mountain and clear my damn head. I haven't had the chance to get some space in a while... I've been resorting to small forms of similar sustenance, such as weeping with plants, away from the gazes of others, in roadside ditches... ok that only happened once...

Man... it was a heavy day like any other xD anyways I was drunk and sitting by this cactus I always sit by... and I realized how painful and helpless its life must be, as well, and how we, people, are (to the cactus) just as unknowable, mysterious, yet life-alteringly forceful, as our own unending, cyclical struggles with the unknowable forces of God/ the universe.  It made my heart bleed, just thinking of how cruel- in such an offhand way- we have been to these poor creatures that inhabit this planet with us... It got me thinking about Nausicaa and how pained she felt for the Ohms...  And to think, I didn't even have anything to offer this cactus except my understanding and hope... it just really got to me... I even (I was piss-blood drunk, aye) gently held one of its long, spiny fronds or whatever you call them, and held it tight in my hand, despite the minor pricking... I think that's when I cried...  What a fucked up lil world, man... I had so many emotions I couldn't even describe one of em...

Friggin a, I gotta go on a walk, get my shit rollin. Peace, Sunshine, Love, Magic and Music nyugga~