So if you wanna find hell with me...

Only another two months until the next semester... heck I don't even think it's that long.

I just hope this professor grades my final from Spring semester soon... God I really played this hand bad.

Things are... well the usual here in Charlie land... Nothin wrong, nothin right, and still I sit and lie awake all night...

I've been doing some writing in my new notebook; wrote like five pages in a new story that actually felt pretty good. 

It just feels like nothin is changin... nothing.

I've been to rock bottom, been on cloud nine, been everywhere in between... and still nothin's different. 

Hope is all I cling to... hell not even hope. Just the momentum of my clinging, really.  I guess you could paint it as something like this- imagine you are sailing a boat on an endless ocean... nights and days pass, and you get food from the ocean when you need it, sometimes easier sometimes harder... But despite being able to keep yourself alive, and keep your boat afloat (though the storms do test it, aye as much as the still days of crushing placidity), despite your seemingly fool's luck in this, you lack something... some purpose... some point to call your destination...

You think it would be easier to just let it all go... but some stubborn remnant inside you refuses to give up the ghost.  Some stubborn, tortuous, thorn in your soul refuses to let you bleed it all out...

Hell if you wanna take it a step farther, you can even say that you do find islands- you find whole civilizations, where you dock and live for centuries amongst the people... but something (perhaps that same stubborn thorn) always calls you back to the ocean, back to the waves... in search of the next place that might feel like home...

And so what keeps you alive, keeps you moving, is what pains you most of all...


You might think I'm referring to my... chemical crutch... but that is but a mere manifestation, a ripple, of the real issue, the real wave...

Logic- reason, thought, etc- that's the true thorn that bleeds me, pushing me incessantly... ruthlessly but with a caring smile as if it's for my own good...

As long as we have the known we will always have the unknown.  There is an inherent fallacy to logic, much like Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle seeks to grasp...

lol I love that guy's argument, because even Einstein tried to defy it and couldn't...

And all it says is 'nothing can ever be known for certain'.  And all these freakin geniuses COULDNT disprove it. 

And this is supposed to be a fundamental principal of quantum mechanics..?

That, I can digg- it's a bit nihilistic but it's the truth.

Becoming Hokage

I haven't blogged regularly in quite a while... despite being stable for the first time in years...

I was chilling with my ma for a bit (can't say more than that though) during Spring semester... And I managed to do extremely well this semester! I'm still waiting on one professor to grade my last few assignments though; he gave me an extension so I could really nail my final project but it looks like he was serious about having until the end of June to finish it... I haven't heard back from him in weeks, and because of that I missed the deadline for Summer semester- to clarify, my ROP was like 1.6% below the requirement for financial aid, so without his grade submission I only have an 'I' in that class, rather than a C, B, or A, which would make me more than eligible for financial aid again.

I've got 300/300 so far in that class, so even if I get a 50% on the final I'd still pass. It's just a matter of him grading it, and because he was kind enough to give me an extension, I can't really push him... though I kind of had to, because I really needed the money to live on this semester... so, with quite a bit of pushing from my ma (despite me telling her it was pointless and rude) I made a big friggin fiasco out of it at the school, and possibly got him in trouble... completely the opposite of what I should have done, but I really owed it to my ma to at least try...

God, the only good thing is, whenever I hang out with my old man at the casino, I more than double my money each time lol. I think the worst I did was break even one time when I went with my old lady.

So I've pretty much been living on luck alone. The one good thing I can say that has happened with my time reconnecting with my folks and not living in the bushes or a tweaker den for once, is that I've stopped stealing. Yeah, the robo-bandit is a thing of the past... and honestly it's done my kharma a load of good. I can walk into stores without feeling like a wanted man, and can genuinely interact with the clerks without it being a farce to distract them from my bulging pockets... I won't deny that in the past, a lot of my legerdemancy was pivotal to my survival... but for a lot of it, it was just to get me high or feel good about taking a bite out of the billionaires... honestly I've known all along it was a farce in itself, a lie just to vindicate my own weakness... my inability to sustain the addiction, the crutch that I needed to feel alive and whole...

Ironic, that I am only bettering myself in the hopes of perpetuating that necessity, that crutch... yeah, I have no noble cause for going to school, other than wiping clean the accumulated self-hatred and disgust at what I've stooped to throughout the years... I want to be able to give back to everyone I've taken from, the people that have supported me (oftentimes unknowingly), and there's no way I can do that with some minimum-wage homeless act like I've been pulling all these years. I fantasize daily about winning the lottery and making so many people happy, so many futures brighter... but fantasies are hollow, like the vain crutch I use to support my march towards a brighter future...

Well, that, and as I said, to ensure I never have to resort to stealing for my 10$-a-day happiness/crutch fee... seriously that's all it costs, like, I could make 20-30k a year as a bottom-feeder programmer and still be mad rich in my own mind... and maybe even find the time/extra energy to finish one of my damn stories for once, or complete that game I've been working on for how long...

Ultimately I'd love to be so powerful and confident in my own momentum that I don't need to wield that crutch like some polished trophy... the weight itself is crippling, in fact I doubt very much many a man could have arrived at this point I am at right now... even alcohol is an ant to the asteroid I ride daily... though I will give some kudos to potheads... that shit is way too intense for me... then again, that's coming from a guy who finds shrooms/acid blissful. 

I still hope to God that green is as available as cigarettes are today; on the other hand, I know that with legalization comes the potential for it to be abused by those who would tarnish its potency/purity in exchange for mass-production profit, like the numerous industries do to this day.  No doubt, it won't be long before additives are added to everyone's herbal, and pure chrondeezies will be a thing us old timers talk about to disbelieving youngsters...

Man...

On a similar page, I could rage about the decay of civil liberties in this country forever... no joke...

A person like me could never be a politician, or someone who could change lives... I want it too much for it to ever happen, much like my former obsession with Cait... my touch is too tainted and immature to do aught but push that dream farther away...

How hollow our dreams are, and yet we return to them willingly, with a smile...

I still dream of one day finding a cure for that bitch's disease... of one day stepping in her hospital room, or her walking into my office, and me slamming a syringe of some magical serum I've developed into her arm or something... I might look her in the eyes one last time, just to rekindle my memory and make my dreams even more clearer/real, before walking out the door without a word... It would be my way of spiting her, I suppose... the same way she spited my immature, brash but bare affection, I would spite her the same, but in kindness... the ultimate betrayal... returning hate with love...

Yeah I really do think about shit like this sometimes... like my fantasies about singing/playing guitar in a band...

These dreams may be hollow, but they move me forward.  They've been my companions more than anyone or anything ever has... they've carried me through the deepest darkness and I will carry them through the luminest light... err most luminous light... seriously fuck the dictionary, I make new words like God makes new worlds, ya fool, ya fool!

Naruto's the shit. I've rewatched both series like three times now, through and through... it still gets me... just like my favorite Final Fantasies and other classic games...

I hope to some day make a game like that- a game that some kid can play through and feel strangely empowered, or like he has experienced something truly magical... even so much that he would want to play that old game throughout the years, despite the advancements in technology and the evolution of mainstream multimedia/gaming... and each time, it would empower him, and make him smile, and cry...

Sometimes I am replaying these old games and it does startle me how I may have missed something essential, or I could have missed some key plot/character element... and it makes me appreciate the game even more.  I truly love gaming- it's like the literature of our generation; what books were to people who had never imagined space travel, but conquered the earth, games will be to the generation that conquers the stars, setting the foundation for the voyage beyond.  That's what I think...

And who knows, at the rate we're going, that might be pretty damn soon... hopefully not before I retire though xDDD

Once small ripple; one small wave

I haven't updated in a while, but, all is good.

I've been catching up on classic gaming and gathering the motivation to work on certain projects....

It's funny, even laziness, applied steadily in the same direction, eventually gathers weight/momentum.

I see the slope before me and eagerly clench my fists just thinking of the rise...