We'll form utopia~

I finished a short story last night... it's pretty mediocre but it taught me a lot about my own writing style. I have some poetry to upload, and that story, but there ain't no time today. I wasted too much at the bookstore, reading... dammit >_<

I'll upload what I can, here, but I only have ten minutes left on the computer...

I am only a man.
So many assertations and deductions can be subtracted from that statement... (And the very words you read right now). Mankind is accountable for all the possibilities of this universe, due to the very ability to cognate such components.
I am only a man.
And as such, I should be united with any other individual on this planet who would be so humble as to digress themselves, thusly.
I am only a man.
And if you choose to stand beside me, together we shall gather the universes, the galaxies~ as shepherds doth before the storm~
~~~~
For our battle is not here, amongst the huddled masses
It is alive, awake and beckoning~ from beyond the stars (wherever that is)
And if it should, upon us, come, as priest to children full of sin
Then we shall be lost to the dust~ a cosmic grain in the cold wind

Our destiny awaits us out there
Hammering amongst steel stars
With anvil of intelligence
And mallet of our hearts
~For when man is united
It will be as leaf to limb
Adding but more sunlight
For each other to take in
~As brothers, we'll alight the skies
With deeds of cosmic cornucopia
We'll seed the planets with our light
Though forlorn, we'll form utopia
~And when the gardens do gain rise
There will be thorn bushes, alright...
As in the light there is the shadow
An uphill fight- one we'll win, though~

yeah I was pretty cracked out on energy drinks. I gotta chill on those. man I wish I could upload my freakin story but there's like five minutes left now >_<

Whiskey in the jar

What do you want me to do
To watch for you while you're sleepin...?~
...Then please don't be surprised
When you find me dreaming too...

Man when I was a kid I thought I was gonna take over the freakin world. There wasn't a single damn thing to stop me from doing what I wanted...

Slowly but surely, the ant hill before me became a mountain... and the little dirt trail I started out on became a massive highway filled with tons of others like me, some faster, some (few) slower.

Is it right to dream when your dreams are shared by so many? Is it right to be inspired?

People can tell me, 'Hey Charles, you're so cool man. Of course you're unique. You're the only guy like you.'

(Whole lotta good bein a 'guy like me' has been so far)

Now it's like my eyes ain't on them stars. Now it's like my eyes are on what's in front of me, and I'm just trying to get through the damn day. What the hell... It ain't right man.

If you should stand
Then who's to guide you...?
...If I knew the way
I would take you home
It's not possible to lose something without gaining something else, ya know. But I think I'd rather have what I lost lol.

~~~
(Drug rant)

I experimented with a ton of psychedelics and entheogens... I ordered shit online from places like Latvia, Brazil, Washington, even. But it wasn't til I found dxm that I really found what I loved.

There's a bite to it, of course. It's not all ups ya know. Nothing is... And I might even die from this shit. Hell I probably already am dying. I've been ingesting so much syrup and sugar, my body's probably shot.

On the one hand I'm ashamed... But when I take away the family, the friends, etc, it's just me. Me, and my life, my death, and my experience here on Earth/beyond. I'm not gonna live my life based on what people around me think. If I like something, I'm fuckin doing it. Just like if I don't like something, there ain't no way you can force me to do it...

Used to be, my words were respected. I guess once my 'friends' realized I wasn't some fuckin prophet bound for greatness, just a regular mother fucker like them, well, I wasn't good enough for 'em.

Fuck em... they're not real. They're fuckin phantoms. Just like I'm a phantom, to them.

A part of me tells me that I have to do something with my life... the major part is telling me, do what the hell you want. Guess I don't wanna do shit with my life lol

Remissions from a notebook down under~

I wonder if she ever thinks about me, now. I looked her up- I don't know why- the other day and found out... well, I don't know. I screwed things up, I guess. I just did what felt right, only, it didn't work out. And instead of us both going our separate ways peacefully, as we should, I was just left with this empty void, this hole that I wish more than anything else could be filled.

I did meet another girl- my ex- but, as has been said before, how do you compare two sunrises?


Rebecca Kathaleen Hewitt is the most remarkable, yet down-to-earth girl I've ever been blessed with sharing my time on Earth with. I could relate to her so well, I could not tell you whether she actually was on a genuine parallel wavelength with me, or whether she was just coasting on my vibes...

Who am I kidding?! That girl was the real deal =) Everything that I ever wanted in a gal, I found in her. But in doing so, I realized how dissatisfied with myself I was. I had always though my self perfect, but this girl saw through it all with hardly a glance my way.

Their Will Be Done

We're so fuckin puny. We are literally just like the tiny atoms, and just like the monumental planets in orbit, and just like the fuckin cars in the racetrack... I mean it, it's all such fuckin bullshit man. How can anyone possibly take this so seriously? How can anyone take life so damn serious?!

I say this as I take life utterly seriously lol.

Man, I really gotta get back into school... God, there's just this empty void in my life, I don't know what it is but I know there's no hope of filling it... Blah blah, everyone's heard this same shit before, ya know.  I'm just another mother fucker. Another mother fucker in pain crying out to the heavens as the darkness crushes all sound and reason... Another static echo in life's resounding chamber of noiseless fog in my head~

I'm getting so close to the borderline. I'm just gonna fucking snap one day, I know it. Something's gonna wash over me, and I won't have anything to hold on to, so I'll just ride that 'fuck it' wave out to who knows where, and ya know what? I won't give a shit. Cuz even if anyone gave a shit about me, or anything, it doesn't fuckin matter. Nothing fuckin matters. This country is bullshit. We founded this shit on obtaining a feeling of satisfaction and then as soon as we find the first shortcut to that road BAM we cut that shit off, quarantine it, nope, can't do that...

I welcome death. I know it awaits me. And it is the only ultimate end to this dream.

Seriously, this is a fucked up planet.

Now, I wonder if there's a possibility of breaking the bounds of this containment. See, dualism is as ingrained in this reality as gravity and sovereignty. It is as real and identifiable as the rocks in a geological spectrum. One would have to assume that perhaps there is another force... perhaps it is a force so linguistically undefiable as to ascertain a nodst creanx... hell I have to illuminate unperturbed hallways just to get a glimpse of the doors that lead to its chambers.

Castaneda touched on it, explaining that there is the Known, the Unknown, and the Unknowable. And you cannot connect to the Unknowable directly from the Known- you must proceed through the Unknown and depart from there. I tell you what, though; from personal experience, it is extremely strange~ =) It's like trying to row a boat through a forest, it requires unbending intent in the face of unquestionable scrutiny. Some men would give up their cause right then and their, because their will is weak and pliable. You must be like the reed in the wind~ fluidly flowing and responsive, but firmly footed and rooted.

...

Which is why I recommend acid, LSD, mushrooms, peyote, ayahuasca, or hell, even a righteous morning glory expedition. I am a firm believer in substance use. There is no such thing as substance abuse, only the abusive use of substance. If that makes any sense. Sounds like something J. Edgar Hoover woulda come up with, or some government bullshit to fight the war on drugs.

Well for the first time in a long time I find myself sitting in front of a computer for copious hours, stretching the extent of my intentions 'like butter over too much bread'.

The road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began~
Now, far ahead, the road has gone...
And I must follow... If I can....

Righteous undertakings me bruddah man. Riotcheous~ ooondertakin~

I'm packed and i'm holdin~

I'm so friggin beat... I don't know how to explain it. I got physical energy, I got mental energy, it's just... I'm at my wit's end, I guess. It feels like I'm climbing up the rope of life with my teeth lol. I feel tense, and anxious. Just uncomfortable. I wish I had some food, honestly lol. These cats I live with are makin food tonight but I wish I had something to snack on ya know. At least I could be doing something... All I got to look forward to is going back home and laying down, eating whatever these cats make and... guess I could read this little book I got.

Been DXM-free for two days now. Maybe that's why I feel this way.

It's all quiet in my head... got no motivating factors, no thoughts, no worries... just this gnawing feeling in my gut. That's my only input...

I feel like making sweet fuckin love to some tight-bodied bitch, to be honest. Peelin off her clothes and feastin on her juicy-jina hahah~ mmmm that shit sounds good...

Ahh well. Fuck it, fight it, it's all the same... I got peanut butter and jelly, and bread. Maybe I'll just make a sandwich and lay down, drink some soda and read.

Got I wanna pound some pussy... Mmmmm  these bitches don't know what they're fuckin missin, i tell you what...

Today is the most intense, excellent, awesome day of my life~!

The Touch of a Leaf The Touch of a Leaf, a sci-fi fiction - FictionPress.com

The Touch of a Leaf The Touch of a Leaf, a sci-fi fiction - FictionPress.com

mama this surely is a dream...

Shit's so fuckin sad and shitty in my life i wish it would just fall off the tracks and at least die. It's too pitiful to even embrace its own death, this disgusting half-assexcuse of a life i call my direction, or vice-versa. fuck everyone. fuck everyone out there who's happy with themselves and feels like there's shit goin good in their lives. cuz u know what? it ain't forever nigger. soon enough ur ass is gonna be right where i'm sittin, and i might be just where u are, and whether that shit happens or doesn't isn't even up to us in the slightest. it's all fuckin bullshit and i'm so fuckin sick of this shit, god damn. i literally am so fuckin sick of this shit that it makes me nauseous. i don't even feel like moving sometimes, i just wanna lie there and die out of pure disgust of this filth of a fucking shitstained fuckin planet.


someone fuckin kill me and end this shit. i'm so fuckin sick of every fuckin face i fucklin see. every fuckin eye i look into, i just wanna spit at you and choke the life out of you, mother fuckers. and i know you feel the same as me sometimes. i ain't even nothin special. even wallowin in my deepest mire, i ain't nothin special. it's all fuckin bullshit. why the fuck am i here?

Bell Peppers MUST BE WASHED BEFORE CONSUMPTION

It's true... either that... or McDonalds is just BAAAAAAD for the body. I ate a double cheeseburger today and a bellpepper. And a hot fudge sundae and a spicy chicken sandwich from my work as well. Err... the bellpepper came from Safeway. Point is- it's come down to this-!

1)Wash vegetables. All vegetables/fruits/shit before eating. Not with soap and shit, but with water at least. I guess 'rinse' would be apropos...

2)If you HAVE to eat fast food- nyuggas!- eat chicken lol. Cuz that shit's either cooked right or cooked wrong. Aint no puttin secret ingredients in chicken.

Jesus, I feel so retarded. I always do. I'm so god damned depressed, lol, it almost makes me wanna laugh. Then I remember, Charles, you're in a public place!
Kinda funny, ya can't talk to yerself in public, but you can sure as hell fart and act innocent as hell... just goes to show, what's on the surface is never what's in the depths.

Life's repetitious as hell, man. Even spontaneity has become redundant.

I'll quote one of my really early poems:

With what purpose do I work these fields
Harvesting plants I will eat by myself
Where is the rich boyish dream
Where is the classic hand to hold me?
Let me tell you about pain and regret
Living life in a phantom form
No pain is greater than struggling to recall
A stranger's memories no longer my own
Who is that man who housed my soul
These past years as I slumbered?
What darkness, in my name, did he dare perform
To the people I once loved?
I awoke to madness, shattered mirrors,
And an empty, lightless house with a massacred family
My brothers, sisters, hearts destroyed
But where is my own body?
Where, please tell me, it cannot be
I'm left with bloodstained hands to live,
Alone?


By the rivers of babylon... where we sat down... and- 'lo, we wept-! when we remembered zion...

Off with his head!!

Man, I tell you what. I don't know what's gotten into me. I've been dex-free for like 5 days. Alright maybe four. Feels like months. I don't have any apprehensions though, anything holding me back. I feel so clairvoyant, and lucid... hard to explain to anyone who hasn't spent at least a week in a dissociative-binge (much less 3 years).

Been doing a lot of reading. Been reading a lot of my old writings, too... maybe I'm just trying to rediscover myself. Sounds sappy, I know. But sometimes the truth ain't always what you want it to be.

Well I can't really think right now. There's this muchacho to my right, acting like he's the only rooster in a pen of cocks. I can tell if I sit here any longer I'm gonna be finding any excuse to tear his fuckin face off.

frightened of this thing that i've become...

sobriety sucks!

well it's a double-edged sword i guess.

anyways, i really need a job. on monday i'm goin down to the foodstamp office and tellin em, if i don't get food stamps i'm probly gonna die...

i hope my parents are still ok with me movin down to benson and livin with em for the winter... it's too cold up here to be sleepin on the floor of an apt with no heat and poor insulation. even wrapped up in thermals and down blankets... *shiver*

i prayed a lot yesterday but... there's only so much our predatory God is gonna allow before s/he chooses you're just better off dead.

man am i down in the dumps. no money. no car. no food. no nothing... all i got is a place to eat and a book to read.

i don't give a shit what the fuck anyone says about rock bottom. this is it. thank god i have mike's place to sleep at. thank friggin god...though what god, i begin to- xD nah i ain't that bad. shit sucks though.
~~
to add to this experience, I must be honest.

One, I'm completely fuckin insane. Everyone is. Two, I've only ever done what I thought best. Now whether that coincides with humanity's best interest, which, itself, has strayed from the path of what's good for this planet~
I DGAF

So what?! So what if i ramble on in this fuckin blog and shit. So what if I keep living. Yeah, you've all felt these same sentiments, many times. We all do, unless we're blind shepherd-less goats.

I'm so fuckin spent, I can't even tell ya. I literally have no fuckin soul left to burn. I'm completely drained of every ounce of fuckin humanity that I somehow grasped in this torrential tidal storm that's called life.

Im in so much fuckin pain, it fuckin kills me every day... I don't care about starvin children in Uganda, or some Bolivian smack dealers or whatever misery defines itself as in society's eyes. I have known the true extent of starvation, of madness, of despond and despair... I have been given kingdoms and had them snatched from me, I've been given those same kingdoms, again, and burned them in my attempts to do what I thought was right. I've been given priceless lumps of obsidian gold, pure essence of which to sculpt with, and with it, i wrought nothing. blank is the canvas of this mad artist. unheard are the songs of this stupid poet.

man. shit fuckin blows.

End o' the line.

this is the end... beautiful friends...~

this is the end... my only friend~ the end~

it will be a death of part of me. it is inevitable. but i bet crazyass Charles the comedian can come up with something even better eh ^_^

~
why didn't i stop sooner?

because i didn't feel like it. because it didn't feel right. it wasn't the right thing to do... for some reason or another, i had to keep on droppin ya know. relentlessly, as if to prove my spirit. Sure, there are other ways I coulda gone around to doin this, but honestly, (of course) i just did what felt right. who knows God's intentions, ya know. the ultimate schematic- the final fabrication, the rug on the floor, which we will then use to walk and build on.

i was never a junkie, i was never a druggie, an addict or a user. i was always, always faced with that one decision, before i put that shit to my lips... and i always said yes, because at the time, it made shit better.

well life's a lot better than the effects of dxm. there's a whole lot of shit out there man. sure i learned how to chase turtles while riding cheetahs, but in the end you can only have so much turtle before you start turnin into one...

and this dinosaur ain't no beady-eyed armadillo-wannabe!

Peace Frogs

Soooo shit continues to continue. Nothin's goin on. At all. Literally, I could've just woken up ten days ago or ten days in the future, and there's no difference.

I guess it's a time of relative stillness for the universe. Things seem chill...  

I don't have too much to say really, just that, well... i can't wait til the 1st to pay off the gov't.

Driver, where you taking us?

Man, wish I could just sit around and write all day. Write and read...

That exact possibility may be occurring sometime next month. After I pay off my court fees. I just gotta hang on til I pay this shit off... then I might go down to Benson to live with my parents. God, that'd be nice. Just chill down there and read, write, and work. Fuck my sisters.

Sure do wish I hadn't lost my job. But it's too late to look back and wish.

I'm gonna swing by some of the places I applied at. See if they need me. Jack in the Box, Chevron, Barnes & Noble... we'll see. I should probly shave first.

I don't know. It's crazy... on the one hand, I have this incredible drive to do something amazing, something to alter the course of mankind's flow. Destiny, I guess. I know it's going to happen, regardless of what I do. The only thing that matters is my spirit... my path is already laid out before me. All I can do is maintain my positive drive and make those footprints where they need to be. But on the other hand, I feel the teetering seduction of abyss, of the lake of fire, of just throwing in the towel and surrendering the spirit.

Every day is a balance between the two. A battle of positive and negative. All the while, my attempt at remaining neutral, with an edge towards positivity. I know it's wrong, innately- what you seek is often what is farthest from your grasp, only when you let go of your reaching for it, that you find it close at hand.

My writing is broken and shameful. I haven't been writing at all. Just walking around, reading and drinking energy drinks, like I have all the time in the world. I'm a magnificent bluff. But it's really not the bluff of a gambler set to win, more the bluff of a comic set to entertain infinity- the crowd- with one grand gesture... before being thrown off stage for his raucous debacles.

I ain't here for no one. It's just me and God, me and infinity. And honestly, in the end, it's just God. Fate. Destiny.

It's ironic that while I'm in such a state that I could produce the most truly brazen poetry i have yet written, the very nature of my state detaches me from any such fornications of the literary abstraction. I'm only blogging, today, due to the overwhelming sense of despondence and loneliness that encompasses my orb, my aura, my spirit, like paint dropped on a waiting egg.

I wish I had a student ID, or a freakin laptop so I could type! God damn. I need a job... It sucks! Right when shit was going good, I flubbed it! I always do that shit. And it's ironic, as well, because I'm always telling people to stop making so much fucking drama- there's enough out there even without trying.

Things are never so easy, however. Things are never so simple. Not anymore. The woolly, cotton brains of infancy have definitely gone on the blue bus.

~I Love You~

I feel the epitome of loneliness... the very fuckin feeling of rejection and hurt.

I loved this girl. I loved her so much, my heart could fill up the universe and still keep expanding, were I to share but a single true kiss with her~ God damn I loved this girl.

I'm not one of those guys that says 'alright, well time to move on'. I follow my heart. And my heart still bleeds for this woman. I don't know to what end, what misery i may sink into just for the price of doing so, but god damn... I don't care. I really love her... I can't help it... even the way she calls me a fuckin idiot and nutjob and shit, it's so fuckin admirable. god dammit. head over heels indeed. head over heels, in the bottom of the marinas trench with a rubic's cube gypsy triplasm lock lol~! god damn.

I will never surrender, no, I will not deny
The love I feel for you, the love that I chase
All of my heart, and my soul, would give freely
For one simple sentence spoken truly, gleefully~

Caterang~

Even with my earphones in, i thought i heard a cough that sounded JUST like her!

God, I still love her. What the FUCK.

WHY?! God I just want to passionately hold her and love her and be everything, give everything, do everything! It's so fuckin painful ahhhhhhhhh man....

Such intense longing... Aww man... god damn...

Another Flashing Chance at Bliss...

So I'm in love with this brilliant girl down in Prescott.

I'm working at Sodexo- the cafeteria on campus here at NAU. It's nice, literally three-minutes walk from home.

8 bucks an hour, 40 hours a week. hell yeah. and I filed myself as exempt for tax purposes. That'll be sweeeeet lol. I doubt it'll actually work though. can you imagine? actually getting almost ALL of the money you're supposed to? NO  WAAAAAY~! lol

I'm working on my story as well. which is why I really don't have much time to blog. I'm just trying to stay on my game ya know. Keep shit moving.

Positivity is the driving force of intent~ word be~

www.fictionpress.com/~wonderwing

that's my website. The Touch of a Leaf. that's my story. I'm gonna be workin on it. As i said.

Which is what I'ma do right now.

(sorry i can't get all in-depth, there's just so much boilin in this pot that to take but a taste would be to deny the rest of the ingredients' excellence~)

All we are

I laze about in an almost perfect manner. This is my impeccability at its finest. I can find no greater satisfaction than this... I am living the life of the outlaw, the hunted, the wanted, but at the same time, I am living the life of the Paladin, the Robin of Loxley, the Che Gu-

lol

Yeah right man. I can't live up to a life like Che's. But I find myself doing incredible, awesome, magical things...

We all have the capacity to reach our total limit. We all do. It is the intent of the universe that we achieve that goal, ya know. That's the real race that we're running.

Everyone gets so caught up in their myriad exploits and shit, and it's like, ya know...

All in all, you're just a- nother brick in the WALL

It's a true sentiment. It's the sentiment of our time. Being one of many, being an incredibly detailed, content-rich being but at the same time being this purposeless little dot in the small checkerboard of some greater Gods.

That's all we are~

The Flow of Things

Ya know, a long time ago I thought love was something that you acquired on your way to greater, more nobler, broader things...

Now, it seems that even the stepping stones I took for granted as a youth in my daydreams are quantum leaps of monumental proportions...

I try as I try, and I cannot find love for the life of me... it is in front of me, all around me, and in everything I see, but I can have no part of it. Truly, it is... mmmm.....

I've given myself to the flow, almost entirely. I've just surrendered myself to the gambling hands of fate. I don't stress about anything, really, anymore.... I don't spend much time wondering what I'm going to do, or how I'm going to do it. I just act on impulse for the most part. It's pretty nuts but honestly it's liberating to the extreme. I have absolutely no regrets. And I often experience magical, insane, awesome things as a result =)


Well I have court on the 30th. Can't fight that. Don't know how it's gonna go. Not really worried though. Just gonna stroll up in my best gear and hope the boss has the sense to withdraw before i whoop its ass.

I'm not afraid of anything... I can learn from any experience, draw value from the smallest rock. I must admit, though. I'd much rather face the confinement of this planar cell than the cell that awaits me back in county lol.

I've learned a lot of things, already. There's just so much more to master... it'll take lifetimes to complete, and more than that to hone in efficacy. But where there is faith there is possibility, and I do not have a lack of faith... No, God willing, I am not so blind...

gaze through an aqua world that's so very clear...

I don't have nothin.

I lost my car. My computer. My birth certificate. My Social Security Card. My Driver's License. My baby blanket that I've had since I was in the cradle. My best friends. My work uniform. My clothes. Most of my money. My video games, my food, my whiskey, my family, my phone... Everything I took for granted, I've lost.

I'm not too upset.

Shit like this happens. There's valleys then there's mountains. There's storms then there's calms. There's death then there's life...

I have my health. I have enough money to get me by for a week or so... I have a place to sleep and shower... And I'm getting my own apartment here in a few weeks.

ALL IS NOT LOST~!

I think I'm gonna walk over to Bookman's and read for a while. Maybe stop by the Dollar Tree first and snag some munchies...

Yep... all is not lost. Got work today and tomorrow. Gettin paid in 13 days... just gotta last til then.

ReHatched

So I made it out of boot camp alive and intact
Not to be the only one that's soggy and half-cracked
Everyone I like is doin same as, just as, me-
Gettin the hell out of the government Army!

You think that you punish me
But I follow your command
Swarm the breach,beyond our reach
Beyond your firing hand


Drill Sergeant, you are stupid
And the name, I will not mock
Cuz in your funky hat, yeah,
You look like a fat @#$%
Seriously if I have the time to write that shit out I think I was scarred by those mother freakers lol.

So I got a big lump of cash and I'm gonna keep a few hundred just in case... the rest.. well, let's just say, the 360 is probably gonna red-ring us any second. That thing is on constantly lol. I don't know how it survives... They should make a console like that, that just functions like a desktop- an 'always on' device that hibernates but wakes up when you want to utilize it.

I gotta go to sleep sometime in the next hour or two if I want to be sane tomorrow. So I'm gonna play Red Dead Redemption... actually... hell I could play Oblivion or Fallout 3, either or...

I think I'll look online for another job application. I have an interview on Wednesday for freakin Kmart, but, hell, I'll hit up Kmart! Damn, after standing in one position with my eyes focused in front, unblinking, and my heels in a 45 degree angle, arms at my sides with the thumbs on the lace of my pants, for hours on end, every day... I could fuckin benchpress sofa cushions all day... 'Oh no, Roger from Accounting told me I had to set up the plant display.' Oh jesus christ! Hey at least you don't have someone railing on your ass the entire way, constantly reminding you what a freak and ugly-looking mother-fucker you are! At least you don't have...

God damn, I mean I know this is some emo rant shit. But it's the shit that you feel when you go through basic. Maybe it can be of use to someone, out there...

*silently laments at the loneliness of his blog*

muchos sadness, indeed... oh well. I could have chosen a better medium for blogging, but, now that I'm with Google I feel kind of stuck lol. Plus, it's really easy. It's simple as hell to get this shit rolling...

I been writing a story, it's going good. It's on page 36. And that's in a college-ruled notebook, with 30 lines each page, and like 16 words a line. So I got around 15k words... I think. I could start uploading it but I just wanna write it out. I never finish any of my stuff.

I got a ton of open plots, really good seeds for a story, they just need the right kind of raising...

Things are going good otherwise. Gonna land a job here soon, I know it~

If all else fails, back to Flag, on the hobo express! Hot damn.

That won't happen though. I don't know what's gonna happen, but I hope that ain't it...

I'ma play some shit, good night and good RIDDANCE!!
(lol) ^_^

Journey to Jackson

I've gotta put this out there before I ship off...

I get it.

It depends on who's side ur on, but basically...

Either the guy is the one who doesn't love enough, or the girl is the one who doesn't love enough.

There's no reason I should be sitting here, almost about to ship out to Fort Jackson, for boot camp, and my 'girlfriend' is sleeping out on the couch. Why isn't she holding me? Why isn't she loving me? Why am I the one that runs to her and holds her and tells her that things are alright?

Apparently she's content to just lay there sleepin while I'm anxious and scared as fuck in this lil room here, typing just to get the nerves ready....

I'm tired, and cold, and it's only 3 or so hours til I gotta get up, shower, and hit the road...

Once I'm dropped off in Muncie, it's all one foot in front of the other from there....

Wish me luck... I'll be smiling =)

ensignia

Alright, so I'm hell bent on joining the military to turn my life around for the good of my woman and family~

*sob story*

*everyone applauds*

*note- details not expressed

-_-m

An Expanded Blog Entry on Current Worries and Things~

So it's been a pretty eventful past little while for me... went to Drill, got my hair cut almost down to baldy-status, and have been on the straight-and-narrow for a while now.

I've been reading a lot, blowing through a couple hundred pages a day on this series by David B. Coe called Winds of the Forelands. It's pretty damn captivating, I get really sucked into all the political and romantic intrigue. By the end of the last book of the series though I had grown pretty tired of his routine plot developments but this second book is kickin a lot of butt.

I've been eating really well, and sleeping a LOT. Both me and my girl. I mean one day I slept like 14 hours, and yesterday it was like 10. And that's coming from a cat that usually runs on 4-5 for weeks on end.

My ma is seeing to it that my tax returns get mailed here; my buddy who has the check in Flag didn't have even enough money to mail it to me. I'm not sure what to think of that, I think he's angry at me, but... can I blame him? I've asked his family to watch my damn car for like the past five months now, and before that I was living with them for free for months on end, during late fall-early winter.

I'm moving forward with my life and all but I'm a nervous wreck. I have a lot of doubts and worries, ya know. On my on-days like earlier today I'm pretty level-headed and determined, even enthusiastic. But when my energy levels drop or I'm in a bad mood, I get obsessively worried... Thank God for my patient girlfriend, she hears me out and offers me a good surface to reflect on. She can't really say too much, I mean, we're a lot alike but experience-wise we're vastly different, but she still encourages me and tells me it'll be alright... Thank God for her, for reals...

At least I have her...

I am worried about my car. I feel like it's a faithful hound dog, waiting for me to come back... Only I don't think I can... dammit. It's technically possible, but only if my parents pay for my ticket out there. I'd get an oil change and replace the driver-side window, and buy a spare tire, and have about fifty bucks left over after gas for food and stuff. This is if I want to go there, get it, and drive it back out here. It's 1600 miles and I got enough money for like 2100 ya know. It'd be skimming it for sure...

The only thing is, I'm wondering if it's really worth it. My parents don't really care about the car, and the only sentimental stuff in it is old blankets and notebooks. And some stuff my buddy in prison left me.

But with all the money it'd cost to do that, I could just buy a new engine for my girl's car and get that working again. Without having to bum another train ticket off my parents and due all that strenuous driving, hoping to God the car makes it.

It just fuckin kills me though... it's been such a faithful car. It's saved my damn life and gone on more adventures with me than any of my friends, hell it's been there for me more than them, too. I have a lot of memories with that little beast...

It's like having a friend dying of an illness YOU gave him, and you can't even afford the time of day to go see him and give him the antidote. Or really, it's more like my previous metaphor- it's like your faithful doggy, waiting at home in an empty house, looking at the door every day, just waiting happily for you to get back home to him... God it just fuggin KILLS me.

And after all this time that Cody's been lookin after it, now what? I just tell him I can't get it?

Once I'm out of bootcamp/AIT though, I'll have a couple grand to throw down on a used car. And in the meantime me and Becca will have hers...

The one thing that's scary about driving cross-country in a car with no driver's-side window, without a gun or means to defend myself-?

Pulling over and sleeping... and not falling asleep behind the wheel. But most importantly, pulling over in some shady off-ramp or even a rest area, and kicking back for a snooze. It ain't worth dying for, ya know.

Fugg it. I'll talk to my ma and see what she thinks... hell she probly wouldn't even be down to get me a train ticket out there if she knew it was to ride my car back out here to Indy.

~~~

Other than that car business, not much else going on. I got one drill date to make up- and it's easy stuff. I just gotta work with my Sargeant at the recruiting place and do menial tasks. I can do it like any day of the week, it's pretty chill. So no stress there...

I got that check coming- I can't wait. I can give Becca's dad a couple hundred for her car engine, so we can get it fixed. Maybe once we do that I'll buy her a treat... it'll be an awesome surprise- a CD player for her car lol. She's been wanting one for so freaking long, God she'd really love that~

It's beautiful out here in Indy right now. I should go out and enjoy it... get a tan while my hair's still short lol.

Once my check gets here, I can at least take my girl out to eat at a fast food place... enjoy myself a little before heading off to boot camp on the 2nd.

Man that shit's creepin up on me... just two, three more weeks.

Hot damn...

Man it sucks. I cut my hair at my first drill... they made me go into the bathroom and had some guy who's supposed to be my 'battle buddy' cut my hair.

Talk about a fuckin insult. I had no scissors and they told me to use this rusty, broken ass electric razor.

I'm starting to regret my decision to join the military... it's such a bunch of fucking fake bullshit.

I'm so lost right now, I don't know what to do.

I don't even know if I want to be with this girl who I'm with right now... I

I knew it'd happen- I got everything I always wanted and it still just ain't enough.

I always wanted to love someone, to be loved by someone- anyone- and be in a relationship. I've longed for girls who never loved me my whole life, and now that I'm in a relationship with someone who wants to be with me, it's like I just want OUT.

And the amazing thing is, it's really not that clear to me. It's not clear whether she's good or bad or whether I'm just being picky or whether I really am right or not. I'm so fuckin lost, it's nuts...

I can't wait to be in boot camp, to get my head cleared of all this. I just gotta keep moving forward with my life, whether with her or without her. I can't focus on this shit too much, or it gets all tangled and entwined and confused, knotted up in a ball so I don't know which way I'm yanking.

For the first time in a while I don't have that clarity of mind with which I've been plagued for years. For too long I've known only too well all my faults and shortcomings, my bad luck and stupidity. Now I don't know what I'm doing or which way I'm going ya know... it's nuts. It's just so fuckin nuts man...

I just wanna be happy. But I don't wanna settle for anything less than the best. And at the same time I don't wanna be too hasty and cut off something that, turns out, is actually good. Isn't it ridiculous?

Just gotta let shit slide... I know it's heavy but as long as I don't think about it except in fleeting glances, it's manageable. I can't let this shit overwhelm me and cloud my heart and my judgment. I'm joining the military in less than a month- in a couple of weeks I'll be in boot camp.

It's just... have ya ever really wanted something, like really deeply just passionately wanted this thing, no matter what anyone tells you, no matter how many times it fucks you over or proves how bad it is for you and how you shouldn't want it? But you keep reaching for it no matter what, you keep wanting it in the back of your mind, you just can't help but lust for it?

I have that feeling a lot in my life... it's deeply rooted. It's probably because I never had the childhood I felt like I deserved or some stupid shit like that. It's like, I've been up and down this path so many times, it's hopeless to start looking for old footprints from years ago, now, after so long and so much wear and tear, but that's what I know I'll have to do some day.

ohh these times are hard

yeah they're drivin me crazy~

I swear it seems like every day I'm just...

Wasting away...

I gotta put a foot down, but it's impossible~

(praying for bootcamp)

gettin through a shitty band, gettin dog shit on my hand...

Ahhh I love animals. I love animals more than people.

I wish Pups would come out n play!

I've gotta get on ChaCha n make money... I don't really feel like it but I kinda have to. We're broke...

Hope shit's going well on the other side of infinity for my homeslices far away who're readin~!

Much love~

PS I've been invited to play in a band, as bassist. It's this friday, we're gonna jam. my buddy Cody Bambrough's the one sendin the invite. ROCK ON~!

Well I'm pretty freakin stoked man. I'm gonna join the military! IM JOINING THE MILITARY~!

HELL YEAH~

*pops open another Monster*

I really should keep it brief- I gotta do some ChaCha. Gotta support this MONSTER ADDICTION~!

Man I love this shit, it's good for ya and it makes me AMPED!

LOVE IT!

I'm just in a brilliant mood. I'm feeling real positive about my life and shit in general.

Bout damn time! Been miserable for how freakin long! Every valley has a mountain, every smoke has a fire, etc.

I gotta get to working, I'll blog more when I have creative stuff to say. My love goes out though, to the few readin~

Much love, may the science or religion or insanity or brilliance (or whatever it is) of the universe capture you and enslave you in its excellence~!

brief

Things are ok for right now.

That is all I can explain...

much love

Man things have been crazy.


I'm making it though, with a little help from my folks and friends.

Life's absolutely insane.... that's for freakin sure...

much love from this crazy cat~

~namaste

Can't fight against the youth...

Girlfriend's layin in bed, tryin to get me in the mood to get it on...

I swear sometimes I just wanna chill the fuck out. I just wanna lay the fuck down and not have to constantly acquiesce to people's bullshit.

She's such a fuckin pain in my ass it's not even funny... constantly belittling me and hitting me, getting into arguments purposely, at her parent's house cuz she knows no matter what, she can go across the hall and have her daddy yell at me, or she can raise her voice and have DADDY SAVE THE DAY.

I was so much happier when I was single... so fuckin much happier. If I had problems, it was with the world, and not with the person that's supposed to represent the love in my life. I can't deal with this shit! I know I'm not gonna back out but I'm gonna bitch like a motherfucker until shit changes. If shit changes. 

That's the way my pussy ass is I guess. I'll bitch and bitch about shit and when it doesn't get any better, I get even angrier.

I've been sober as fuck lately. It hasn't contributed to my mood, I will say that. 

She goes from 'I fucking hate you, i'm gonna kill you in your sleep, why dont u just go the fuck back to flagstaff' ----> 'i love you, oh ur my little ball of love, i love you baby please don't leave me'.

Like SHUT THE FUCK UP. Maybe if I'd rather play Morrowind than fuck you, it's because I enjoy one more than the other! 

On a side note- if you're a woman and you expect a man to go down on you any time soon, don't smoke cigarrettes. Have some fuckin consideration. That's like a guy having warts and askin u to suck him off, it just ain't fuckin right.

I kinda feel bad posting all this shit but you know what? If you can't let the whole world know about something then maybe you shouldn't be fuckin doing it.

The other day she was beating me in the grocery store cuz I refused to buy her alcohol, and I ended up having to walk home. The store manager asked me if I was ok, cuz some of the customers were worried, and I just told him I hope both our days get better lol. 

She's always hitting me, always putting me down, always doubting our relationship and always wondering why shit fucking SUCKS between us. Hmmm wonder fucking why.

I'm going to boot camp in about 40 days... I'm staying sober. No point even drinking alcohol, it just seems so pointless to me. Ultimately I'm gonna have to be sober, it's like why waste my time in fantasy land.

Man what a morose blog. Fuck it, fight it, it's all the same...

UPDATE UPDATE BEEP BEEEP

I sit here, on my throne of sexcellence, awaiting the movement of planets.

Alright it's nothing that epic.

Sakaia raised his blade, the heat from the metal forming vaporous fumes in the air before him. 

'Aye, this weapon'll do...' Light shining in from the scant half-closed window blinds his view for just a second as he makes his regular motions about the smithy. 

Never thought I'd be the one doing this sh-

FWAP FWAP FWAP

There was no mistaking the sound of the Colonel's switch upon the door. Sakaia looked over to his master- Gamgee, the Master Smith- for direction. His curly white tufts of beard did little to hide the snide sneer underneath. Sakaia could only grin and set his tools down. This was the moment they were waiting for.

~~~~

I don't know, I just felt like writing tonight I guess. It just came out of me ^^ 

I'm back in good graces with the military so I'm goin in on Tuesday to get signed in!

I can't wait... I really digg physical fitness and overall health, I can't wait to really push myself~! Man I'm so freakin stoked to finally be gettin in~!

Been doing pushups and situps and stretching....

Me and my girl may argue and get into some real heated fights, like shit that seems like it's the end of everything and all, but we're gonna pull on through~

Marcy Playground

I have to I have to I have to

I'm straight, no smoking, no drinking, no bullshit...

m^_^ m 

Don't Give Up On Me Baby~

I took the SATs, and I don't know if I did that great on them or not. I'll find out in a little bit...

My tax money was supposed to be deposited on my girl's debit card yesterday but since my name isn't on her account, it wasn't! So.... that sucks. Gotta wait til Monday to talk to someone from the IRS about it.

On Monday I'm gonna be going back down to MEPS to talk to the head honchos about my career in the military. I can't wait... Only positive thing I got going for me right now, it feels like... 

I have this feeling of an overreaching dread creeping with its fingers around me, choking me. I don't like it...

I need to get some sleep and just hope these bad vibes and thoughts go away... so much badness right now...

Castles Made of Sand...

I'm sittin in a hotel room in Indianapolis, and I haven't ever felt more alive.

My fingertips are jittery and my tongue is tumbling lol. I can't find the right words to say but I'm ready... Just what for, I don't know, but I do know I'm at my prime. This is my hour, baby~!

I'm gonna go down and have a helluva good meal, and then I'll probably play on the computer til I pass out. My roommate is on the phone, busy, and I'm just chilling out, wondering what to do...

I'm excited, but I got my composure... Just gotta take 'er easy.

Follow this tumbling tide through~

For the first time in a long ass time, I actually have dex but I don't feel like doing it. It just doesn't sound good... I'd rather be sober and alert, experiencing all this fully.

It's a good feeling I guess, I don't know. I'm hungry...


People might look down on me, see me as a junkie, or a druggie, but you know what? I've never lost that flame. I can be dowsed, sprayed, drowned, dunked, chopped, smashed, choked, but always that flame comes back. 


Maybe it ain't the flame that's stubborn, it's the flint and steel. Anyways... that's the thing about metaphors and analogies, they're only good for a surface reflection, any other semblance is remarkable. 


Hell, I'm gonna go and walk around, take some pictures and upload em for my lady. 


I love my girlfriend. I look at her and I just know, that's a face I'm gonna be seeing thirty, forty years from now, in another land, another time... she's beautiful, and I love her as much as I know how.


Thank God for pairing me up with her. I don't know what I did to deserve her but I'm gonna treat her right and nurture her like a flower~


Anyways ^_^| I feel awkward... but... A thing of beauty is a thing forever, right? This life might be a fleeting glimpse but this feeling of love that I'm coming to know is something that's familiar, it's been around a long time... it must be beautiful.


Shit this is so much girly-nice-words and shit, I can't stand it lol. I gotta go do something. They're good words though, so I'll keep em. 


Much love, to you and yours~

the blog's true purpose is revealed

Today I talked to the recruiter and it turns out I pretty much need my ID card and I'm set.

I can't wait to get some freakin MONEY!! Get a PAYCHECK!
HAVE A PLACE TO LIVE!
HAVE COOL SHIT!
HELL YEAH!
^_^

Tomorrow I have to tell the recruiter that I couldn't find my ID and I have to wait til Monday to go to MEPs. Another week.

I love my ma, she's helpin me out so much. And my dad too, he's really the one makin it possible. I'm so freakin lucky to have the parents I have, they're awesome mother @#$%ers and I love em to death. God bless em =)

They have a workout room at the recruiting station... can't wait to go over there and pump some iron~ hell yeah~

I'm feeling good, just kinda... occupied. Busy.

Like I said, can't wait to start this shit and get it in motion~! much love!

Enlistment

Tomorrow I meet up with my recruiter and see what's goin on with the National Guard.

My girl's been treating me like crap lately, I don't know if it's just me or if I should be doing better for myself or what... I feel like I'm giving, giving, giving, and it sucks because it's never enough. I have to go through with the National Guard... Money flow would turn the tables on everything in this relationship.

Even if things don't work out with me and her, I still want to go through with the National Guard. The military has always been straight-up with me. That's what I fucking want. Security. Not only job security, just a sense of belonging to a greater whole and contributing as well... hell yeah.

It's typical enlistee jargon but it's how I feel. I can't wait til tomorrow. Eleven-hundred hours, that's when I get to talk to the recruiter w00tw00t!

Meditation

Totally freakin drained right now.

I mean I feel really alive and healthy, it's just, my eyes are so tired... I just need to rest my brain...

Too much stimulation ya know. Gotta keep shit mellowed out. You can move forward with life but do it at a relaxed pace. It's all about your outlook, your mindset.

Meditation is the key to tuning your soul's instrument.

so my gf had a toothache...

I remember a lot of fucked up things from my childhood.

I did a lot of bad things to people, sometimes intentionally (knowing that it was wrong), sometimes in earnest innocence. That's the way the world works- sometimes something will happen to you just out of nowhere, by something that was just happening along, and other times it will be a crushing attack meant to hurt you by a hated enemy.

The most important thing we can do is quiet our minds. Once our minds are quieted, no hatred can exist.  No anxiety can exist. Only action, sentiment, and conclusion can exist. Anger, hatred, anxiety can exist for brief moments, but they will dissipate quickly and return to silence. Silence, which is always there.'

I am in love but that does not mean I have stopped looking for love. I will always keep my heart and eyes ears open the languid lustular lyrics to love's lullaby as it lulls me into lazy lax and levenity...

i think those words aren't even real but hellllll yeah

It remains a mystery...

Today is a new day. I was sleeping all yesterday, all through the day. I just got up like an hour and a half ago. Went and did the dishes, jammed out with the broom, stuffed my face... Now I'm sitting here thinking, thinking, thinking...

Bout what? Whaaaaaaddya think, jesus? 

Bout my life, the future (or lack thereof), and dex. 

I want to have that feeling I have when I'm tripping, like everything's going good. And I don't want to have to trip to have it. 

When it boils down to it, I have only one thing to do. I have to get a job.

If I have a job, that'll change everything.

Honestly I'm considering whether I want to run away back to Flagstaff and escape this escalating responsibility or whether I have the ability to man up and do what needs to be done to keep this flame alive.

Ain't that terrible? I never thought that I'd be the one to try and duck out of a relationship. I've always wanted a relationship, always dreamed of finding real love. Now that I'm in a position to maintain both, I'm itchy to get out of it.

I don't feel too bad about being honest about it. What fucks people over is when they're not honest, and they refuse their feelings. I mean we're all heading in the same direction, the only difference between us is where we get hung up on the way. I'd rather live in complete honesty and embrace any challenges that arise out of that path, than get stuck and held up by dishonesty.

What do I do? I've applied at a ton of places. I just haven't called them back and tried to follow through. I'm usually so high I end up not giving a fuck or worrying about it. It just slips by day by day, til eventually it's too late to revive the link.

I've been a shitty boyfriend. My girl's been trying to be intimate with me but I just haven't been in the mood. I can't be all lovey-dovey when I got all this shit to worry about! 

It's stupid cause I've been down this path before and thought I figured out how to handle it. Acid made me realize that worrying about stuff is inefficient in terms of actually dealing with your situation. I need to loosen up... I need to loosen up...

Mmmm heh I feel a little better. Just recognizing your own heaviness can be... enough.

I've been watching Investigation Discovery Channel the past couple of days lol. It's driving me NUTS!

It's kind of making me sick xD

ribbons of euphoria

So in one bit of news, I got a camera.

It was just like sixty bucks, it's a 10mp Olympus battery-powered lil beast of a photo-machine lol. I really digg it, pretty much the only thing that's not super-rad about it is the display on it, it ain't very high rez but if you're slightly confident in your photography skills, it's not a big deal. It has a lot more options for customization than any Sony camera I've used, for sure.

So overall pretty content with the purchase... A very awesome person sent me some much-needed financial assistance yesterday, which me and my gal promptly devoured. I told her I didn't wanna waste the money this time, though, and I'd been talking about how much I wanted a camera so she pushed me to just settle on a less-than-14mp/120$-pricetag camera. I'm glad she did, since compromising slightly on the price of the camera is gonna enable me to get a guitar with my tax returns.

It drives me nuts, I mean I shouldn't be getting ANYTHING right now right? I'm living with her at her parents' house and the only thing we got going for us is our drive to get into college together. We're taking the SATs in about two weeks, I can't wait. It seems a little silly for a dude my age to be taking the SATs but most people probly don't have a high school record like mine xD

In deeper and more relevant news (as far as my brain and stress levels go), I recently completed five straight days of sobriety... hell yeah. No weed, no alcohol, and most importantly, no DXM. I ended up splurging last night on a trip each for me and my lady, and I'm a little bummed today that the party's already over, but God it's nice not being retarded like that shit makes me.

I wanted to have a kind of adventure for us, so we went to the Chinese buffet down the street. We both agreed it'd be pretty rad to go all trippin on dex, so I threw down like ten bucks for the cause and we drank up before going in for food.

We were coming up as we sat there, working on a plate of food each... The nausea in my stomach seemed nothing special, just the pre-trip jitters. But it quickly went south. Instead of spreading the nausea down and eventually dissipating like usual, it stayed there in my stomach, and I soon realized a puke-session was imminent...

The bad thing is the waiters were all friendly and shit, like we had a pretty good time just chillin and talkin and shootin the shit, but I felt really scrutinized (it was a small restaurant and I swear the only other people eatin there worked there) and I felt bad about not being able to finish my food ya know... It was good, my stomach just was sending me the most obvious and dire messages lol. At one point I was one bite away from spewing all over the freakin table and just booking it outta that shit xD

I don't know, I could go on but pretty much, a couple minutes later both me and my girlfriend were tuned into the realization that I could probably do a better job chewing my food hahah ^^

Part of the inspiration for getting the camera came from us looking at my gnarly, colorful and chunkalicious barf splashed across the parking lot by her car heheh. Like it woulda been an epic pic, and it just made no sense we didn't have a camera or anything to share this shit with the world.

Yeah overall it wasn't a great trip. I spent most of it preoccupied with anxious shit, especially because we went to her best friend's wedding, and her fiancee/nowhusband is someone I really don't respect or have a lot of confidence in as a person, so I felt real uncomfortable being there.

It sucks talking about this shit but alas, shit's true.

This trip made me realize how much I wanna get the fuck outta here and go to school though. I can't wait to be back in beautiful, familiar Flagstaff, where you can't get lost driving around because there's a FUCKING MOUNTAIN right there for navigation! God I hate driving around here, it's so flat and wide-open, everything looks the friggin same and all the roads are named/numbered the exact fuggin same...

I spent like an hour just driving all around the country tryin to find this bitch's house and my girl was trippin and couldn't give me helpful directions over the phone... I was so fuckin frustrated by the sheer helplessness of it, God it made me miss my beautiful simple mountain town... Where you can walk anywhere from anywhere and meet cool people along the way, or just hit up the mountain and walk around in the light of God's brilliance til true inspiration strikes you.

I ain't gonna trip today and I don't plan on tripping again for another couple weeks. Sobriety ain't too bad, it's pretty much just learning to utilize all your extra energy that was previously blown tripping balls. The hard part is dealing with the reality of your situation, not being able to just feel good about whatever shit you're being fed. It's the only way to real progress though, I mean constant tripping is just like hanging a carrot in front of your tread mill... one you won't ever reach but makes you feel like you're always just about to.

Well enough reminiscing on shit.

I downloaded a playstation emulator and Star Ocean: The Second Story.

I need a fucking job. I don't have shit for confidence but I'll do whatever I have to fuckin do.

Hell who am I kidding, life itself is like chasing that carrot on a treadmill. Tripping just makes you realize that shit xD lotta good that knowledge does though eh.

In the words of a man more rad than myself;

~Fuck it, fight it- it's all the same...

The guy who invented the KKK was black

Shit ain't going so great.

First off, I might be losing my job at ChaCha. I have no idea why, I'm guessing they just finally realized I'm sharing a debit card with my girlfriend (who also works there) and they're just trying to make sure I'm not one person with two accounts.

Second, I've been sober for days. It's been like four days I think..? I also haven't been getting enough sleep, so without tripping to keep me in a good mood, I've been fuckin gruuuuumpy and snappy... I don't care though I'm not tripping. I'm glad I've made it this far... I've got too many fuggin problems right now to just dex it all away >_< Which brings me to my next point...

I don't know if I should even be talking about this shit online. But no one reads this shit anyways.

Things haven't been 'wonderful' with me and the lady. Lots of fighting, followed by both of us being nice, until one of us blows up on something (usually her) and it goes right back to the fighting. I just don't know if this is what I want. I don't know if this is love, I don't. There's so much fuckin stress on us right now. I can't STAND living with her dad, that's my main issue. He's violent, he's unpredictable, he says I can talk to him about everything but the moment Becca complains about me or gets upset (happens a lot) then there's this sense of dread that overtakes me because in the end, that guy is totally unstable/unpredictable. He yells at Becca like a child, it's like he's a fuckin child, incapable of keeping his cool. It freaks me out, it's like at any moment Becca can pull one of her 'i want you to go back to Arizona, this isn't gonna work' acts, and then BAM Daddio is on my ass, getting in our fucking business. He says it's because me and her fighting is too disruptive to him and his wife, and becca's sisters. I can understand that. It's just, what the FUCK do you think I can do about it?! It's not like I have an apartment in fucking Indiana I can just go back to. Even in Flagstaff, I have nothing. No job, no money, no place to go.

My life is completely fucking nuts right now. We all think that about ourselves, I know. But tell me this, do most people NOT have a place to call home? Do they NOT have people that love them or at least care about them around them? I have no one here. If shit goes bad with Becca, you know what I do? I hide. I go under the bed with a blanket, or hide behind pillows behind the couch and cry, because there isn't SHIT i can do out here, I'm totally powerless. All I can do is run back 'home' to Flagstaff.

What's home? Some friends who never hang out with me?

I don't know what to do, but I don't feel like it's 'right' out here. I don't feel good out here, I don't like the direction my life is going anymore. I hate being in a relationship, this is the most bullshit i've ever had to deal with... and what are the plusses? Steady sex is great but sex has never been a priority to me. I've been single my whole life, the only sex partners I need are built into my body lol. I just wanna be happy, but even more important is I wanna be content. I wanna know that at the end of the day, I'm doing what I want and that I'm trying my hardest.

It's like, what the fuck could I do to make my situation better out here? God dammit, I've been applying for colleges everywhere... me and Becca were supposed to be going to Flagstaff to go to NAU in the summer but her FUCKING dad talked her out of it. 'I don't think you're ready to be that far from home', etc etc. Maybe he's right. But give her a fucking chance man. Give US a fucking chance. If she can't handle being away from home, what the fuck kind of relationship are we gonna have? I can't live here with her parents and family, not for much longer.

That's why I'm really, really considering going back to Flagstaff with my tax return money. It's so fucked up, it's so much bullshit, but there's nothing else I can do. Even if I got a job out here, what's the point? We can't get a place on one person's income. And I'm not working two jobs, I'd rather be single than that shit. That's no fucking life. Nothing is worth slaving away like that. I'd have to be high on dxm CONSTANTLY to even find an ounce of worth in a life like that. I'd be miserable constantly. It wouldn't last long. And even then it's like, what so we have a place to live in away from your parents. What now? What are we working towards?

She just told me less than a few hours ago that she isn't gonna be going to school. That's what blows my mind. It's like, what the hell do you think we're gonna do with our lives if we're not going to school babe? I've been in the 'real world' outside of mommy and daddy's, and I know how much of a fuckin dead end it all is. You can work at a place for years, get tons of pay raises, and promotions, and you still won't be making a quarter of what you could make at an entry level position with a bachelor's degree in anything.

Not in this country.

I don't know what to do, I have nothing here, nothing in Flagstaff (admittedly I do have some really good friends, like family, actually more than that lol), but you know what? If our relationship is just gonna be these intermittent periods of violence followed by a brief calm before the next storm, then I ain't afraid to do what's best for me. Indiana is cold as fuck. Flagstaff is also cold as fuck, but the difference is I know that town and I HAVE A CAR OUT THERE. If I have to sleep in my car, I got my thermal sleeping bag and blankets, I got places I know I can park, I mean I know that town better than any other place I've ever been. I can make it without having a job out there until I can go to college.

I need to get into college, it scares the shit outta me not knowing what direction my life is going. I'm going to school this year whether Becca goes with me. Right now my priorities are to get a handle on my future. I've gotta do something, anything to make my life better than the 'barely living' 'just getting by' shit it is right now.

Well my gal's waking up and I got a lot to talk to her bout.

~namaste

Another turning point, a fork stuck on the road

I'm takin another stab at sobriety... my last attempt was a laughing-stock.

It's gonna suck today, for the first day, but... if I can just make it through the day, tomorrow will be a ton easier, I know it.

I'm just gonna play on the computer and mellow out.

Maybe blog a little later when I'm in the mood...

Much love,

~namaste

I'm a loser baby, so why don't ya kill me..?

My gal's showing me some pictures of her when she was younger (is it possible? lol). Man sometimes I feel bad about dating a 16-year-old but it's like, FUCK society! Fuck whatever is making me feel bad about being with this awesome girl! Fuck all that shit! I will- well, let's just say if anyone gives me shit about it when I go back to Flag, they're probly gonna be doing it when I'm not around and they're gonna be telling each other not to say a single fuckin word of it around me, because they know I'll crush their balls through their eye sockets and choke them with their own dicks if anyone talks shit.

I bet Nick and Dylan would be the ones to joke about that shit. Especially Nick, but who's he to talk about love interests. The dude's into trannies and chicks with dicks, from what he told me last. And Dylan... well if he can get in a relationship and maintain it good for him, he's got a lot of drive but I don't see him putting it anywhere ya know. When he wants to do shit he gets it done, that's for sure, but he just ain't doing shit.

Doing more than I am, I guess. At least he's probly making money. Blowing it on drugs and intense activities like snowboarding, but at least he's making money.

I can't wait to be going to school man. Put this shit in motion... God damn.

My soon-to-be father-in-law is gonna get me an application for Quiznos, where he has a hookup with the manager. I really want this fuckin job, I really need the money. I can't stand having no money, sitting with my thumbs up my ass looking up shit on the New World Order, Bildeberg group, George Soros and all that bullshit.

I know, a lot of cussing in this post. I'm not in a very... eloquent writing mood~

~~~~~~

What are some of the things I wanna get with that money?

Well, first off I'm getting 400$ in tax returns. Fifty is going to my buddy Cody as an early birthday present, that's for sure. That cat's been watching out over my car for the past couple months, I mean I owe his ass... hmm I wonder if there's any PSP games I could get him.

Then I'm gonna take fifty out for me and my girl, and the rest is gonna be for paying for my car insurance. My old man's been paying that shit up til now, and it's about time I grew some balls and took the reigns finally.

It's good to plan this stuff out, it feels really good.

I'm gonna check out some upcoming PSP titles that I could get my buddy, shit, I should just log into Perfect World and ask him about the state of his PSP xD it's usually a work in progress...

Much love, blogocity, until we meet again~

Just Don't Feel Too Good or Bad

What's new with me today eh?

Well to start with...

I've done only less than half of what I usually do in terms of drug usage both today and yesterday... been doing a lot of stretching and working out. I've also been eating pretty good...

Applied for a couple more places online for jobs. I wish I could just get hired somewhere, doing fukkin anything. I wanna make some money so I can get a guitar, a computer, and some games... God damn... I'm so fuckin bored out here at my girlfriend's place. All I have is her fuckin laptop to get on, and her sister's Xbox but she's usually on it or using it at her friend's house. And then my girlfriend gets pissed at me when I'm on the computer but there ain't shit else to do around here...

I don't have my usual inspiration to do dungeons and dragons or read or write >_< I just feel burnt out, like every time I start doing that shit I just think too much about it and it becomes a chore. I wanna play on Perfect World with Cody, my buddy in Flagstaff. He hooked me up with half a million gold and I'm pretty much fuccin set til max-level lol. I got a lot of hours to go and I can have totally pimped out gear the whole time. 

Being sober sucks, I've got too much brain power. It leaves me with too much brain power to think about negative shit, I just wanna get high so it preoccupies me and lets me be at peace.

We went out to these gas stations and this grocery store and pretty much the only reason I went out was so I could steal some cough medicine from this store, but then my girlfriend went in with me so I couldn't steal anyways. I wasn't gonna even do cough syrup tonight but she came home with two bottles and offered me one and it pretty much just flipped the switch in my head. Now I'm coming down from it and I just feel fuckin edgy... I know how easy it is to go and steal but I don't wanna let my girl down and I figure I might as well just stay here and be sober anyways... I'm just wasting time til I'm tired enough to fall asleep anyways =/

Just don't feel too good or bad, it's shitty. 

That's about it, later bloggety~

This one's for the J's

Alright, I might as well mark it. Today is the day that I officially quit DXM.

DXM has had a huge influence in who I am... I started to trip on this shit back around the time I was getting into pushups and situps and yoga... silly to talk about, but it's the troof.

I used to take a bottle, put on some shorts and go jogging around the golf course. For the past year or so I've just been doing it regardless of anything else in my life, it's always been the one consistent thing I've done... 

I mean I don't even know how to feel. Just a couple minutes ago, me and my gal were standin outside appreciating the sunrise, and I realized, God it's been a while since I've felt this way... 

I'm so scatterbrained right now, things'll get better, I know, but... I can't imagine all that shit hasn't done some permanent damage.

Finding things to do...

I know it probably sounds nuts to a sober person or to, well, relatively normal people, to hear someone have a problem with finding things to do with all their spare time, but I can honestly say that's one of my big problems. I have so much free time on my hand, and it seems like I've done nothing with my life for so long. Even if I was just getting into something dumb like playing video games or researching my favorite bands, God I mean anything would be better than just sitting on my ass, high as hell, switching between facebook and my cough syrup forums all day.

Yesterday I was getting into Led Zeppelin, the Yardbirds, CCR, I mean a whole bunch of bands that I've listened to but never really gotten to know, and it was really cool expanding my knowledge for once. I even downloaded an emulator and tried playing some Legend of Zelda: Link to the Past and that was a trip in itself. I remember when I was all into emulating, playing classic games, making playlists and researching old music. 

Being productive, I think is the term heheh. A lot of times when I'm tripping I'll try and get into something but I'll be really heavy about it, like I'll really break it down psychologically so much that by the time I actually start doing it, I'm so worn out by the sheer weight of it all that I lose interest.

I used to get high and go to the mountain, where I'd take pictures, or write poetry, or just write in my journal and meditate on my life. I'd put on headphones and walk around town, read at the library or Hastings/Bookmans, hang out with friends and philosophize, shit like that. Party at night, meet new people or get to know some old friends even better... Shit was just expanding ya know. I've been sitting on my ass for a while... it feels like I've been recovering from some kind of damage I've done to myself...

I'm gonna admit something I have been thinking about lately. This girl I used to be really... well I was kind of obsessed with her and I didn't even really realize it. I thought I was just being romantic but really it was being clingy and I really feel bad about it... a lot of my old blogs are just, me thinking about her way too much and honestly it's kind of creepy shit, unless you've spent a day in my shoes. It really makes me look like a weirdo... it just sucks cuz a lot of my old blogs are important to me, like they're like snapshots of me and my progress as a person at different points of my life, and I want to hold on to them, I just... don't think I'm gonna keep them in the public annals of history ya know. I have them on Myspace right now, and my profile is just shared with my friends, people who know me and know that it was just a weird phase/part of my life, people who aren't gonna judge me for it. I digg that.

It's too late to try and tell her I'm sorry though. If I tried to contact her she'd probly just be weirded out by it and scared that I was stalking her or something. The best thing I can do is not contact her... just like someone else in my life who will go unnamed.

I've never had bad intentions, ya know? I was just a good thing who didn't know what he was doing, and who was a little tainted from being mistreated and abused, himself. I've been trying to be a better person, I fuckin really have, and not for anyone else, just for myself. The world can go fugg itself sometimes, that's how I really feel, like I really am pretty full of myself sometimes / too much but ya know, this is who I am, and until I learn otherwise or find it in my heart to really change, I'ma keep doing the things I do. I don't wanna be a drag on myself ya know. I wanna be light and free, it's just finding that shit that weighs me down that's hard. Once I find it, I can whittle that anchor away til it's gone for good, I'm brilliant at that, it's just finding it in the first place that's difficult.

Well this has been a pretty nice lil blog. I'll post a share link on my facebook to try and get some traffic onto it. Maybe I'll find some cats who also blog on Google or other blog sites to connect with. My buddy Anthony from back in Elementary school, I told him to get on writing a blog, I should ask him how that's moving along...

Just gotta keep on keepin on, keep on trying, keep on loving, keep on living ya know. That's what's up~! ^_^m

egoless egotist

I'm in no position to be talking about myself- I'm a dissociative freak; a cough syrup junkie of four years who hides behind a mask of honesty and self-degradation, whose twisted features are so tragically, permanently skewed that a mask is an honor, a privilege.

Alright that's some dramatic shit. Seriously though

I'm recovering from a lifestyle involving heavy substance dependency... I'm not gonna hide from it or shout it out loud, I'm just gonna put it out there.

I'm a little afraid of how things are gonna be but I'm also really excited, like, genuinely, 'fresh-sunshine-first-thing-in-the-morning' inspired kind of hopeful~!

I have my love of my life with me here at my side, I'm not scared. I trust her judgment, should all else fail. It's good to know I got someone there who has my back.

The first 'thing' about recovery is... admitting you have something to gain. And admitting you have something to lose.

God, the universe is expanding.

I feel tainted, impure, untrue, like I'm trying to be a virgin but failing horribly, just by opening my mouth. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired, I just wanna fly away~

Eventually, all our words are gonna become lyrics. Eventually, all those lyrics are gonna merge into one song. And eventually, we will all be singing... that's my hope, my dream.

I'm scatterbrained, like someone took a paintball gun to a screwdriver, err, vice versa.

I have a twisted kind of uncomfortable feeling in my stomach, like I don't belong. I feel scrutinized but I know I shouldn't, the only one I should be worried about watching me is God and her gaze is beautiful and full of love :o)

My girl's thinkin some crazy shit about God and the origin of life right now, I can't really digg it, it's too precise and in a weird direction, like a cult or something. I just believe what I experience, that's the infallible truth, is experience.

Whether you trust others' experiences or not is another question. That's up to you entirely... People have said I'm gullible, and sometimes I do feel like that kid on Where the Red Fern Grows, but I believe in pure honesty and transparency and truth. That's brilliant, that's love, and that's as solid as it gets man.

We're watching Where the Red Fern Grows again, right now. I watched it by myself last night cuz she passed out and I was bored on the laptop, I needed some background stuff going on.

I like old movies like this, with old values and shit. That's where it's at man, history's full of the same battles and wars we're fighting today, it just might come in a different pattern or color is all. Still on the same floor mat on God's doorstep.

I'm not a religious man but I am very spiritual, I do reflect a lot on God and the brilliance of God, I'm just not keen to calling her by another name than God. Lord, Almighty, Massa, that's all bogus but it's at least words that we can reach to to help us climb up to get a better view of her. And I do believe God is a woman, or at least feminine- everything is inherently feminine unless it becomes male by a minor chromosomal changeup.

You do gotta meet God halfway.

garr scravy things!

Today, I am literally so completely destroyed and burst at the seams that... *snorrrrrrre*

that's what i'm gonna do as soon as i close my eyes. i'm countin on it. i don't care about us being married or all that intense shit, it's just words at the end of the day ya know. like, i can't even keep my ead up but 'll be back!

It only takes one spark

Sometimes the words I want to put down feel just too damn heavy to even let out there... but I know if they're that bad, they better get out right now, ya know? There's no sense in having pent-up badness filled inside you. A lot of times it feels like I should just keep my mouth shut and just move on, but I don't, I speak, or I write, and usually, it defeats that worry and trepidation.

I just finished reading Robert T. Bakker's masterpiece novel, Raptor Red, and I gotta say, it feels like the times I've finished reading it in the past as a boy... it feels good, like I've just been enriched and brought down to a more basic, fundamental level.

I've also just hit the bong, so that might be contributing to the- dare I say?- cautious movements of my fingers across the keyboard.

It's as if I'm afraid of what I might produce should I let my creativity flow... what deep-seeded memories root themselves in this unwanted behaviour, that I should feel myself trembling at the thought of... what?

A famous cat- and I suppose he must be famous to have had his voice heard by me- once said that a writer should be wary of starting too many of his or her paragraphs with the letter I. It reveals a focus, a heavy-centeredness of the writer that repels the reader. I'm always wary of that whenever I'm typing now, but I don't ever seem to pick it up when I read. Which leads me to wonder, do I just not read books written by self-absorbed loonies or are they just tuned into the same trick I am?

A lot of times writing can seem like it's just pushing out into the darkness, not knowing what you'll find. But when you finally flip the lightswitch you look back and just marvel at all the pitfalls and mouse traps you've somehow lucked out of hitting this time.

But you can't be led to a halt by what you see, you've got to just move on into the next dark room, lighting up more and more of this dusty old mansion as you proceed.

Maybe I just watched too much Scooby Doo! I don't know! But people tell me I look like Shaggy, and I can do a spot-on impression of him, too.

I've come to realize I'll always feel a slight disconnect from the people around me. That's what makes them, them, and me- you know.

The scattered shortness of my paragraphs reveals the intrinsic blindness with which I write today. I'm just shooting shit out in the open like it's nobody's business. But something is pressing me, pressing me to leave, right now. Something is telling me to go to the store and get some more drenk. And at the same time, that struggle finds confliction, another command directing me to do the opposite. To stay here and ride this one out. 

And so I know this conflict is something that is going on inside of me; for if it were an outward motion, a true struggle, I would find my opponent coming not from any rationalization or deduction, but from straight in front of me, in this crazy world we all live in. This conflict is a choice, and a far-reaching choice, indeed.

For if I leave now and get the syrupy swill I so-slavishly seek, will I not leave tomorrow to get that same bottle, as I have done yesterday, and the day before, for months- years- hitherto? Do I crave the escape from logic's crushing weight that much? That I would add yet another craven foot to this mile-long fence of insanity..?

My mind tells me to embrace the escape fully, with the very enthusiasm with which I lack in the more rational choice.

Ahh, the ugly path is revealed now. No manner of enthusiasm or bursting drive could find me on that shadowed approach, now.

Whoah-ho, so all along my ugliness was so stunningly apparent... Ahh, well. Such a sin would not suppress the flapping of my night-craving wings, this night. I have to quote one of my poems from a few years ago that still makes itself relevant to this day:

I'm chasing a dream I've already found

Seeking a sun that's already risen...

What words could I seek now-

What comforts could it be that I'm missing?

Where do I go now, now that I am here?

This is what I wanted... how perfectly clear...

Alright, I'm gonna go get some ice cream before I lose my marbles.

Now, the question here is, am I gonna go to the store and get more chemical persuasion to further pigment these already murky convolutions?

The eternal party-monster in me says FUCK YEAH DUDE! BETTER TO BURN OUT THAN FADE AWAY!

And though the logic in it all seems totally wrong and I get that feeling that I may end up regretting it later, I am so craving that total over-the-edge enthusiasm that I honestly think I'm just gonna say 'fuck it' and dive right in~!

...Oh man, yeah, I'm a goner. I'll just tell my lady where I'm going and get these wheels rolling... Just an initial investment, just one spark, to get this flame spread wicked~