Atlantis Full of Cheer

I knew it'd happen- I got everything I always wanted and it still just ain't enough.

I always wanted to love someone, to be loved by someone- anyone- and be in a relationship. I've longed for girls who never loved me my whole life, and now that I'm in a relationship with someone who wants to be with me, it's like I just want OUT.

And the amazing thing is, it's really not that clear to me. It's not clear whether she's good or bad or whether I'm just being picky or whether I really am right or not. I'm so fuckin lost, it's nuts...

I can't wait to be in boot camp, to get my head cleared of all this. I just gotta keep moving forward with my life, whether with her or without her. I can't focus on this shit too much, or it gets all tangled and entwined and confused, knotted up in a ball so I don't know which way I'm yanking.

For the first time in a while I don't have that clarity of mind with which I've been plagued for years. For too long I've known only too well all my faults and shortcomings, my bad luck and stupidity. Now I don't know what I'm doing or which way I'm going ya know... it's nuts. It's just so fuckin nuts man...

I just wanna be happy. But I don't wanna settle for anything less than the best. And at the same time I don't wanna be too hasty and cut off something that, turns out, is actually good. Isn't it ridiculous?

Just gotta let shit slide... I know it's heavy but as long as I don't think about it except in fleeting glances, it's manageable. I can't let this shit overwhelm me and cloud my heart and my judgment. I'm joining the military in less than a month- in a couple of weeks I'll be in boot camp.

It's just... have ya ever really wanted something, like really deeply just passionately wanted this thing, no matter what anyone tells you, no matter how many times it fucks you over or proves how bad it is for you and how you shouldn't want it? But you keep reaching for it no matter what, you keep wanting it in the back of your mind, you just can't help but lust for it?

I have that feeling a lot in my life... it's deeply rooted. It's probably because I never had the childhood I felt like I deserved or some stupid shit like that. It's like, I've been up and down this path so many times, it's hopeless to start looking for old footprints from years ago, now, after so long and so much wear and tear, but that's what I know I'll have to do some day.