It's not me that wants this...
Seeing everyone want so much for me... my own mother watching me like a sinking ship, a view that is only to be seen for an instant before sinking, slinkering down to tremulous depths....
Such revulsion... such hatred.... not anyone else's... my own... it burns my heart... it is the only feeling i have...
This world can be so damn gentle... so damn gentle when you need it most... if you look in the right way i guess you can see this.
such statements stink of spirit but tug me along ...
To win, to lose, ... these are things...
but the emptiness that saps my soul...
God...
hahah
If Copernicus, Tesla, or Hendrix had blogs... err... the faint shadows of their blogs caught in a blast of cold wind might resemble what is presented in this Tome o' Darkness xD
Friday, December 26, 2014
Monday, December 15, 2014
Carlos Henriques' Book Review
I've reread almost all of Castaneda's books again, from the first to The art of dreaming; couldn't pick up The Fire From Within, however I had reread it prior to reading the series again (garnered from the local library) so I can wait for it to show up at the bookstore...
The message of the series still remains the same to me... I still understand what was intended for the reader to experience, by the writer of the books. One thing that struck me this time, however, is how much my own views and knowledge have progressed- looking at this book is like reading about 'the sorcerers of antiquity'; you have to take everything with a grain of salt- in this case, re-evaluate it from the here-and-now. It is still just as profound, however, in its ability to do exactly what they are intended to do- facilitate a shift in consciousness that may often result in a total reevaluation of your own cognitive structure.
Its strength lies in its readability and seemingly transparent nature. But I don't think the techniques described in the book, and most importantly, the almost ritual-like descriptions of certain facets of energetic truths, are relevant to our time, anymore. They are relevant in the sense that we can learn from what they were when they were presented, but nowadays, most of the concepts are, at best, root ideologies, meaning they can be grown from or reflected on but practiced in their entirety is entirely deadly and deteriorating.
What is beautiful as well, about the series, is that it expands our capacity for potential imagination and reasonability. It invites you to explore alien worlds with the most serious of rationalities.
Actually practicing the Warrior Techniques described in Journey to Ixtlan will most definitely bring about the results described- the practicality of such efforts, in today's modern world, however, is a two-sided affair...
Unfortunately, for those who take this series seriously and engage their energies towards its fundamental practices, the result is a veritable Pandora's Box of knowledge. Much like the ill-fated hippy who indulged in a few too many thumbprints of LSD, your world will be proliferated with the seemingly well-intended 'wisdom' it brings, for better or for worse. In this sense, the works of Castaneda are truly a magical affair... what is maddening about this knowledge, though, is the incompleteness of the series itself. It is unfortunate that such an intriguing possibility of man's potential had to be tapped by the shystiest of characters. It's as if we received the water of life through God's toilet, unfortunately.
Overall I don't think this is a series that should be practiced in its entirety. I am sure I will reread the series numerous times throughout my life, or pick up one of the books here and there at a whim, almost like a bible.
For people who ingest psychedelics or purposely seek mind-alteration, Castaneda's books offer a strong, much-needed psychological foundation. It is possible to draw strength from almost anything, and yet I earnestly believe it would be worth the while for anyone to give this series at least one full round of their awareness.
The message of the series still remains the same to me... I still understand what was intended for the reader to experience, by the writer of the books. One thing that struck me this time, however, is how much my own views and knowledge have progressed- looking at this book is like reading about 'the sorcerers of antiquity'; you have to take everything with a grain of salt- in this case, re-evaluate it from the here-and-now. It is still just as profound, however, in its ability to do exactly what they are intended to do- facilitate a shift in consciousness that may often result in a total reevaluation of your own cognitive structure.
Its strength lies in its readability and seemingly transparent nature. But I don't think the techniques described in the book, and most importantly, the almost ritual-like descriptions of certain facets of energetic truths, are relevant to our time, anymore. They are relevant in the sense that we can learn from what they were when they were presented, but nowadays, most of the concepts are, at best, root ideologies, meaning they can be grown from or reflected on but practiced in their entirety is entirely deadly and deteriorating.
What is beautiful as well, about the series, is that it expands our capacity for potential imagination and reasonability. It invites you to explore alien worlds with the most serious of rationalities.
Actually practicing the Warrior Techniques described in Journey to Ixtlan will most definitely bring about the results described- the practicality of such efforts, in today's modern world, however, is a two-sided affair...
Unfortunately, for those who take this series seriously and engage their energies towards its fundamental practices, the result is a veritable Pandora's Box of knowledge. Much like the ill-fated hippy who indulged in a few too many thumbprints of LSD, your world will be proliferated with the seemingly well-intended 'wisdom' it brings, for better or for worse. In this sense, the works of Castaneda are truly a magical affair... what is maddening about this knowledge, though, is the incompleteness of the series itself. It is unfortunate that such an intriguing possibility of man's potential had to be tapped by the shystiest of characters. It's as if we received the water of life through God's toilet, unfortunately.
Overall I don't think this is a series that should be practiced in its entirety. I am sure I will reread the series numerous times throughout my life, or pick up one of the books here and there at a whim, almost like a bible.
For people who ingest psychedelics or purposely seek mind-alteration, Castaneda's books offer a strong, much-needed psychological foundation. It is possible to draw strength from almost anything, and yet I earnestly believe it would be worth the while for anyone to give this series at least one full round of their awareness.
Friday, November 28, 2014
All Ways, Forward
Been balls deep in homework, haven't had a chance to write anything....
That's pretty much all that's goin on.
Had a killa shroomation tripology... I'm just pissed cuz my damn whiskey's flat, from bein open all night.
It was awesome- I gave myself over entirely to the spirit and just let myself go... it was beautiful... sure not everyone can digg everyone but I rode the wave the best I could... good shit man.
Odd as it may seem, I feel like my body has accumulated a vast store of knowledge... though it is so small compared to what lies out there, and what is possible...
Suffice to say, 'always forward'...
That's pretty much all that's goin on.
Had a killa shroomation tripology... I'm just pissed cuz my damn whiskey's flat, from bein open all night.
It was awesome- I gave myself over entirely to the spirit and just let myself go... it was beautiful... sure not everyone can digg everyone but I rode the wave the best I could... good shit man.
Odd as it may seem, I feel like my body has accumulated a vast store of knowledge... though it is so small compared to what lies out there, and what is possible...
Suffice to say, 'always forward'...
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
creeper status
Did a bit of creepin recently....
Man my buddy Kakashi... his sister is SOOOO damn gorgeous... I still see that same wanderlust-filled, headstrong, outgoing girl when I see her picture, though... She always reminded me of Noa from Legend of Legaia. I still daydream about makin it rich and scoopin her and her family up to go to Disney Land (for starters) but seeing her now... man. Some lucky juggalo wigga-wangsta she's with, that's for sure...
And my old best bro doesn't even look like the same person anymore... so weird.
Man my buddy Kakashi... his sister is SOOOO damn gorgeous... I still see that same wanderlust-filled, headstrong, outgoing girl when I see her picture, though... She always reminded me of Noa from Legend of Legaia. I still daydream about makin it rich and scoopin her and her family up to go to Disney Land (for starters) but seeing her now... man. Some lucky juggalo wigga-wangsta she's with, that's for sure...
And my old best bro doesn't even look like the same person anymore... so weird.
Monday, November 24, 2014
Just a Jiub
I swear I can't take a shit without someone faxin me asking why my colon's at reduced capacity.
You know what? Sober people tell me 'you should be sober' meanwhile they're as happy as a dick in a blender.
People manipulate me and tell me lies all the fuckin time, and act like the reason it happens is because I'm trippin, drunk, or too stupid to notice- nigger I just don't put my fuckin energy in that direction AT ALL. Unlike you mother fuckers who waste your time on nasty shit, Jesus Christ I can't stand life... I can't fuckin stand it. I can't live one god damn day without people. Without problems. Without pressure. Without already being behind on something that they just shoved in my god damn face... swear to God, who the FUCK would want to live in this shit hole of a fuckin planet.
I can't even rant on my blog without havin to wonder if I'm gonna eat shit for it. I could make a private, anonymous blog and that shit would still be eventually linked back to me- you can live on a deserted mother fuckin island and still have polluted radiated shitwater from some shit country splashin on your shore poisoning your goddamn coconut milk.
Fuckin people piss me off, constantly trying to change me. Meanwhile I'm just trying to get the fuck by, humor people I pass on this road I walk, and take a shit without having a dildo waiting for me with AIDS all over it. You can try and please people your whole damn life and they will still piss on you when it's raining. Every mother fucker on this planet deserves the eventual death that awaits them- you ever think of that? Maybe THATs the reason we die? Because we got it comin- cuz we fuckin SUCK.
I will never be content in my life. I will never be happy. That ain't a self-fulfilling prophecy- you know what AINT a self-fulfilling prophecy? Believing you will eventually be happy. That's fuckin bullshit. If you ascribe to that belief you might as well be an alcoholic. You might as well be dead.
Hell if you believe anything you're a nigger on a slave boat.
You know what? Sober people tell me 'you should be sober' meanwhile they're as happy as a dick in a blender.
People manipulate me and tell me lies all the fuckin time, and act like the reason it happens is because I'm trippin, drunk, or too stupid to notice- nigger I just don't put my fuckin energy in that direction AT ALL. Unlike you mother fuckers who waste your time on nasty shit, Jesus Christ I can't stand life... I can't fuckin stand it. I can't live one god damn day without people. Without problems. Without pressure. Without already being behind on something that they just shoved in my god damn face... swear to God, who the FUCK would want to live in this shit hole of a fuckin planet.
I can't even rant on my blog without havin to wonder if I'm gonna eat shit for it. I could make a private, anonymous blog and that shit would still be eventually linked back to me- you can live on a deserted mother fuckin island and still have polluted radiated shitwater from some shit country splashin on your shore poisoning your goddamn coconut milk.
Fuckin people piss me off, constantly trying to change me. Meanwhile I'm just trying to get the fuck by, humor people I pass on this road I walk, and take a shit without having a dildo waiting for me with AIDS all over it. You can try and please people your whole damn life and they will still piss on you when it's raining. Every mother fucker on this planet deserves the eventual death that awaits them- you ever think of that? Maybe THATs the reason we die? Because we got it comin- cuz we fuckin SUCK.
I will never be content in my life. I will never be happy. That ain't a self-fulfilling prophecy- you know what AINT a self-fulfilling prophecy? Believing you will eventually be happy. That's fuckin bullshit. If you ascribe to that belief you might as well be an alcoholic. You might as well be dead.
Hell if you believe anything you're a nigger on a slave boat.
Sunday, November 9, 2014
sad crown brown cow
Man I haven't blogged in a while...
Moved into a new pad, yada yada
Schoolwork meltdown incumbent...."""man I'm surprised at what people smoke these days. I seriously can't diggthe 'herbal' rcperience.... I really think it must be for people who like to be miserable, or else, I just have a crazy-different reaction....
wonder if there's other cats out there like me... xD aside from the DV tho, since all they want you to do there is quit.
Moved into a new pad, yada yada
Schoolwork meltdown incumbent...."""man I'm surprised at what people smoke these days. I seriously can't diggthe 'herbal' rcperience.... I really think it must be for people who like to be miserable, or else, I just have a crazy-different reaction....
wonder if there's other cats out there like me... xD aside from the DV tho, since all they want you to do there is quit.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Jus sayin
God you know why I can't stand this school shit? I disagree with something, and that's too fucking bad.
This book we're reading about poetry for my creative writing class is about as full of shit as my toilet after a night of heavy drinking. This mother fucker is literally telling us that when we write poems, we should be 'thinking about our audience'...
I wanted to slit my fuckin throat. Jesus fucking Christ, THANK YOU capitalist-industrial machine! Thank you for destroying the human-fucking-soul!
Since when the FUCK has writing poetry been about SELLING IT to someone?! You write fuckin poetry, hell you write fuckin ANYTHING and it's for YOU. You play a god damn guitar, it ain't to make some niglet idiot fucking rich kid bullshit bastards buy your god damn albums, you play because it is the BENT OF YOUR NATURE. You play because it brings you PEACE.
But no, America has turned this into a 'well you can take what makes you happy, and make money off it by capitalizing on other people hee-harrr-hee-harrr!'. You know what? I don't want to capitalize on ANYONE. I don't want ANYONE to suffer because of the things I do. I do my shit from the fuckin heart, and my intentions aren't to fuck ANYONE over. I REFUSE to buy into this ideology.
I'm gonna continue playing music, writing poems and stories, and doing the shit I do. And I don't give a fuckshit, hooker-in-a-handbasket, nigger-in-a-noose fucking shit if I am ever fuckin recognized or looked at. I can die tonight from liver failure or chokin on my vomit or a meteor hitting my goddamn face, and I would care no more about it at that moment than I do right fucking now.
You know why? Or partly why? Because people, at least 50% of the time, disgust me. Unless I know you personally, and I respect your opinion and what you believe, I don't give a FUCK if you think my shit stank!
The reason I have this blog is so I can at least put my voice out there, instead of holding it inside until I flip out and rape/murder some fuckers. There is an innate heaviness to our thoughts and by releasing it into the public stream, it loses some of that weight, and makes us clearer, and less encumbered. And the reason I have this shit linked to my public image is because if I do anything, I would like to set an example for other people- to tell them that they DONT have to buy into the bullshit that fuckers have been shoving down their throats since the day they opened their mouth to scream at the delivery bed.
Plus there is a part of me that genuinely doesn't give a fuck- everything is equal, and if this makes me feel better, than fuck yall.
This book we're reading about poetry for my creative writing class is about as full of shit as my toilet after a night of heavy drinking. This mother fucker is literally telling us that when we write poems, we should be 'thinking about our audience'...
I wanted to slit my fuckin throat. Jesus fucking Christ, THANK YOU capitalist-industrial machine! Thank you for destroying the human-fucking-soul!
Since when the FUCK has writing poetry been about SELLING IT to someone?! You write fuckin poetry, hell you write fuckin ANYTHING and it's for YOU. You play a god damn guitar, it ain't to make some niglet idiot fucking rich kid bullshit bastards buy your god damn albums, you play because it is the BENT OF YOUR NATURE. You play because it brings you PEACE.
But no, America has turned this into a 'well you can take what makes you happy, and make money off it by capitalizing on other people hee-harrr-hee-harrr!'. You know what? I don't want to capitalize on ANYONE. I don't want ANYONE to suffer because of the things I do. I do my shit from the fuckin heart, and my intentions aren't to fuck ANYONE over. I REFUSE to buy into this ideology.
I'm gonna continue playing music, writing poems and stories, and doing the shit I do. And I don't give a fuckshit, hooker-in-a-handbasket, nigger-in-a-noose fucking shit if I am ever fuckin recognized or looked at. I can die tonight from liver failure or chokin on my vomit or a meteor hitting my goddamn face, and I would care no more about it at that moment than I do right fucking now.
You know why? Or partly why? Because people, at least 50% of the time, disgust me. Unless I know you personally, and I respect your opinion and what you believe, I don't give a FUCK if you think my shit stank!
The reason I have this blog is so I can at least put my voice out there, instead of holding it inside until I flip out and rape/murder some fuckers. There is an innate heaviness to our thoughts and by releasing it into the public stream, it loses some of that weight, and makes us clearer, and less encumbered. And the reason I have this shit linked to my public image is because if I do anything, I would like to set an example for other people- to tell them that they DONT have to buy into the bullshit that fuckers have been shoving down their throats since the day they opened their mouth to scream at the delivery bed.
Plus there is a part of me that genuinely doesn't give a fuck- everything is equal, and if this makes me feel better, than fuck yall.
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Mysticated Whiskey
Well well well...
Been a long time since I... had this feeling.
Been a long time... been a long lonely lonely lonely~ lol
I am consistently amazed at this world... And I must marvel at the seamless synchronization of it all... God damn, Universe I am honored, nay, privileged to concede defeat, in this... my most mysterious, empowering hour...
Okay for people that don't smoke friggin banisteriasis caapi vine before snortin psychotria viridis rootbark, ahh... that means... I have a new pad.
Yep... no longer dwelling on the coattails of mommy and daddy. Well, dwelling on some shit, but it ain't that. You know the game, nyugga!
~~~~
Above retardation provided solely for scientific purposes
~~~~
Man. It's so surreal. I know, I know... I've been alive like 25 years- I should be used to this shit.
Well... call me a lame-o but life is still pretty awesome sometimes.
I've never needed a day off of homework like I've needed one today; luckily my old lady had me runnin pretty straight so there ain't no whiplash, and I can really just settle in... FINALLY. An end to the stress! Unbelievable.... I'm sweatin right now, just rubbing it all in my face, no joke, just thinkin about how heavy things were... all the mounting pressures ;_; aye poodle me rivers
It's nice, I'm located by a lot of stuff and I like the neighborhood- it's laid-back and more of my kind of place... definitely more city-like, though not on a main drag.
Yeah... things are good... it feels like every moment here is so new and invigorating, garrr! I digg it!
Been a long time since I... had this feeling.
Been a long time... been a long lonely lonely lonely~ lol
I am consistently amazed at this world... And I must marvel at the seamless synchronization of it all... God damn, Universe I am honored, nay, privileged to concede defeat, in this... my most mysterious, empowering hour...
Okay for people that don't smoke friggin banisteriasis caapi vine before snortin psychotria viridis rootbark, ahh... that means... I have a new pad.
Yep... no longer dwelling on the coattails of mommy and daddy. Well, dwelling on some shit, but it ain't that. You know the game, nyugga!
~~~~
Above retardation provided solely for scientific purposes
~~~~
Man. It's so surreal. I know, I know... I've been alive like 25 years- I should be used to this shit.
Well... call me a lame-o but life is still pretty awesome sometimes.
I've never needed a day off of homework like I've needed one today; luckily my old lady had me runnin pretty straight so there ain't no whiplash, and I can really just settle in... FINALLY. An end to the stress! Unbelievable.... I'm sweatin right now, just rubbing it all in my face, no joke, just thinkin about how heavy things were... all the mounting pressures ;_; aye poodle me rivers
It's nice, I'm located by a lot of stuff and I like the neighborhood- it's laid-back and more of my kind of place... definitely more city-like, though not on a main drag.
Yeah... things are good... it feels like every moment here is so new and invigorating, garrr! I digg it!
depression
Today will be a definitive day for me...
...I swear, you can't ever just do but one damn thing in this world, can you? You could devote your life to the robe and still have to worry about some jackass stealing your bible every morning, I swear... Or in the least, you are expected to buy in to someone's religion, serve someone's higher end, in the mean time.
Can't even kill yourself in this fuckin world without people calling you selfish, Christ's fuckin sake.
Everyone's got their head's so comfortably far up your ass, then they ask you for rent.
Look at Christ, for God's sake- mother fucker gets nailed to a cross for resurrecting ungrateful little shits, every fuckin time.
Ain't no point in pursuing logic; every road just leads to a dead-end- the start of another road, or the beginning of the same one... same shit to me. Same bullshit dream, same unending nightmare... yet we're supposed to be grateful.
The only people who are successful in this capitalist slaughterhouse are the ones who would do nothing to change the rules of their pig-eat-pig game.
It forces you to become something you never wanted to be, something with a little less soul than the day before, and if you don't, you're just another meat bag with a mental disorder.
...I swear, you can't ever just do but one damn thing in this world, can you? You could devote your life to the robe and still have to worry about some jackass stealing your bible every morning, I swear... Or in the least, you are expected to buy in to someone's religion, serve someone's higher end, in the mean time.
Can't even kill yourself in this fuckin world without people calling you selfish, Christ's fuckin sake.
Everyone's got their head's so comfortably far up your ass, then they ask you for rent.
Look at Christ, for God's sake- mother fucker gets nailed to a cross for resurrecting ungrateful little shits, every fuckin time.
Ain't no point in pursuing logic; every road just leads to a dead-end- the start of another road, or the beginning of the same one... same shit to me. Same bullshit dream, same unending nightmare... yet we're supposed to be grateful.
The only people who are successful in this capitalist slaughterhouse are the ones who would do nothing to change the rules of their pig-eat-pig game.
It forces you to become something you never wanted to be, something with a little less soul than the day before, and if you don't, you're just another meat bag with a mental disorder.
Suck it up, do what you gotta do
I'm friggin scared right now-
I have an appointment to sign a lease with this apartment.... err really it's like a room.... yeah it's a room in a house...
God I'm just so torn. I don't want to be tied down like this... Entering an agreement like this is like the freakiest shit I could do >_< It just goes against everything I feel >_< I really just want to cut out of it all and live on the streets again. Fuck it, ya know- at least I'll always have money in my pocket! I don't give as much about having a place to sleep, as much as I do having money...
Everyone takes pride in these stupid shits; having rental obligations, marriage contracts, all forms of business-type deals and whatnot...
Fuckin idiots! You can't put a price on personal freedom! I dont care how nice it feels having a place to live- garrrrr it drives me nuts! But I'm fuckin tied to the wall now- I already have my ma invested in this venture as well, hell she's putting up like 800 bucks just so I could have a place... She probably thinks I'm a spoiled child, but she doesn't understand- I'm just refusing to accept the slavery that everyone so willingly and happily embraces. Fuck this shit... How can I sign a year-long lease?! I don't have a guarantee about the loans or grants I'll be approved for! Of course I should be confident- I know what I'm 'entitled' to but I'm so used to having the rules fuckin changed split-second without any warning or any excuse/let-down... ahhh how could I do thiiiiiiiis....
I just wanna.... God! If only I hadn't bought this god damn guitar! GOD DAMMIT I can't just turn my back on it...
I can't explain to these cushioned little fucks how I would rather have 400 dollars a month than a room or a house. It's just a bad deal! Fuck the economy, and fuck the market! The fact that other people would say I should be GRATEFUL for a room for 400 a month, just furthers the point that we're THAT fuckin WHIPPED man! We're fuckin slaves. Fuckin tools.
God damn. I'm going to sign this shit... I'm gonna be locked in a damn lease and will have to keep my crazy-meter in check, which I hate more than anything in this world...
This is gonna suck so bad... god friggin dammit. GOD I can't believe I'm getting suckered into this shit- ONLY because my mom wants me to do this shit, and ONLY because I love my ma more than anyone in the world, am I doing this bullshit. GOD DAMMIT...
I have an appointment to sign a lease with this apartment.... err really it's like a room.... yeah it's a room in a house...
God I'm just so torn. I don't want to be tied down like this... Entering an agreement like this is like the freakiest shit I could do >_< It just goes against everything I feel >_< I really just want to cut out of it all and live on the streets again. Fuck it, ya know- at least I'll always have money in my pocket! I don't give as much about having a place to sleep, as much as I do having money...
Everyone takes pride in these stupid shits; having rental obligations, marriage contracts, all forms of business-type deals and whatnot...
Fuckin idiots! You can't put a price on personal freedom! I dont care how nice it feels having a place to live- garrrrr it drives me nuts! But I'm fuckin tied to the wall now- I already have my ma invested in this venture as well, hell she's putting up like 800 bucks just so I could have a place... She probably thinks I'm a spoiled child, but she doesn't understand- I'm just refusing to accept the slavery that everyone so willingly and happily embraces. Fuck this shit... How can I sign a year-long lease?! I don't have a guarantee about the loans or grants I'll be approved for! Of course I should be confident- I know what I'm 'entitled' to but I'm so used to having the rules fuckin changed split-second without any warning or any excuse/let-down... ahhh how could I do thiiiiiiiis....
I just wanna.... God! If only I hadn't bought this god damn guitar! GOD DAMMIT I can't just turn my back on it...
I can't explain to these cushioned little fucks how I would rather have 400 dollars a month than a room or a house. It's just a bad deal! Fuck the economy, and fuck the market! The fact that other people would say I should be GRATEFUL for a room for 400 a month, just furthers the point that we're THAT fuckin WHIPPED man! We're fuckin slaves. Fuckin tools.
God damn. I'm going to sign this shit... I'm gonna be locked in a damn lease and will have to keep my crazy-meter in check, which I hate more than anything in this world...
This is gonna suck so bad... god friggin dammit. GOD I can't believe I'm getting suckered into this shit- ONLY because my mom wants me to do this shit, and ONLY because I love my ma more than anyone in the world, am I doing this bullshit. GOD DAMMIT...
Monday, September 29, 2014
And so my walk begins...
Eh, school ain't lookin too great this semester... I'll be lucky to pull through with a B-average.
They really knocked the shit out of me, and fast, this semester; it just seems like, compared to last year, shit's gotten a lot harder...
I'm probably just getting used to it. First you feel on top of the world, then you go through the valley of shit, then you feel better again... yada yada yada.
...I really lack a goal in life, ya know? Like, I should have a list or something... 'retire by 50', 'travel overseas before thirties', 'have 100k saved by 30' or some shit, ya know? That's what our problem is, I believe, as a species- we lack a whole purpose. Everyone is left to find their own, and we're all supposed to somehow unanimously come to the conclusion that-
...and then that's it. You're in this world. A part of it. What's the conclusion? That's up to you.
THERE'S NO FOCUS! There's no ultimate goal! I suppose in a sense this is 'freedom', but wouldn't it be just that much more miraculous if we were all free but decided to work together? Yeah yeah, that's what we're doing right now, but towards WHAT.
All of our dreams are self-serving. No one would die for the human race! And if they did, it'd only be to make a point, for themselves, and their legacy!
Well, that stinks like a load of bullshit for some reason.
What I'm getting at, is, we should be focusing on outer space. Why do we need a crisis just to unite? It's like we can't get along unless we're fighting this battle, or defending ourselves from these people... but what a true gesture of the human spirit, if, despite it all, we make progress in progressing through the unknown.
~~~
I really feel like I haven't said shit in this whole thang.
I've been thinkin about my old friends a lot lately... it sucks- I wish I could just either stop thinking about them and let it go or fix shit or something... It feels like I should know what to do, but I don't think I can or even want to do it. I don't want to tell myself 'hey, those guys suck, find new friends', but at the same time... thinking about them just stirs something in me that makes me uncomfortable...
And it's not just them, either- I look back on most of my life with that same hesitant uncertainty, like I won't like what I find.
I know that doing a defined Recapitulation like CC described is probably the best way to juice the experience points from all these past battles, but just like my progress in Dreaming, it's a tentative endeavor, at best.
*sigh* so much uncertainty... well there are a lot of things in my past that stand out, that are pretty damn embarrassing. More experiences than could fill all the pages of this blog, for sure...
That's why some cats write autobiographies, I think, or have biographies written for them. But I don't have the luxury of being famous and important enough to have someone willing to probe me about my past... hell I don't even have friends or lovers who will do that for me!
Yeah, those fuckers are lucky- I got the ass-end of the stick, that's for sure. At least they have each other. It won't stop me from moving forward, however.
~~~~
I got a bunch of stuff to do today... gotta finish this graphic design project, for starters... think I'll go on a morning walk, listen to some music, maybe get a Mickey's from the gas station over by the mountain.... ahhh the mountain... now there's something I could slobber my love and attention all over, and it still would just soak it right up no problem... man... I haven't gone on a hike in months... these jogs and walks around the foothills are nothing... nothing at all compared to...
hmmm alright... I'll go on a morning walk, finish my graphic design project, and for the first time in a long time I'll have shit so caught up I can go out on the mountain and clear my damn head. I haven't had the chance to get some space in a while... I've been resorting to small forms of similar sustenance, such as weeping with plants, away from the gazes of others, in roadside ditches... ok that only happened once...
Man... it was a heavy day like any other xD anyways I was drunk and sitting by this cactus I always sit by... and I realized how painful and helpless its life must be, as well, and how we, people, are (to the cactus) just as unknowable, mysterious, yet life-alteringly forceful, as our own unending, cyclical struggles with the unknowable forces of God/ the universe. It made my heart bleed, just thinking of how cruel- in such an offhand way- we have been to these poor creatures that inhabit this planet with us... It got me thinking about Nausicaa and how pained she felt for the Ohms... And to think, I didn't even have anything to offer this cactus except my understanding and hope... it just really got to me... I even (I was piss-blood drunk, aye) gently held one of its long, spiny fronds or whatever you call them, and held it tight in my hand, despite the minor pricking... I think that's when I cried... What a fucked up lil world, man... I had so many emotions I couldn't even describe one of em...
Friggin a, I gotta go on a walk, get my shit rollin. Peace, Sunshine, Love, Magic and Music nyugga~
They really knocked the shit out of me, and fast, this semester; it just seems like, compared to last year, shit's gotten a lot harder...
I'm probably just getting used to it. First you feel on top of the world, then you go through the valley of shit, then you feel better again... yada yada yada.
...I really lack a goal in life, ya know? Like, I should have a list or something... 'retire by 50', 'travel overseas before thirties', 'have 100k saved by 30' or some shit, ya know? That's what our problem is, I believe, as a species- we lack a whole purpose. Everyone is left to find their own, and we're all supposed to somehow unanimously come to the conclusion that-
...and then that's it. You're in this world. A part of it. What's the conclusion? That's up to you.
THERE'S NO FOCUS! There's no ultimate goal! I suppose in a sense this is 'freedom', but wouldn't it be just that much more miraculous if we were all free but decided to work together? Yeah yeah, that's what we're doing right now, but towards WHAT.
All of our dreams are self-serving. No one would die for the human race! And if they did, it'd only be to make a point, for themselves, and their legacy!
Well, that stinks like a load of bullshit for some reason.
What I'm getting at, is, we should be focusing on outer space. Why do we need a crisis just to unite? It's like we can't get along unless we're fighting this battle, or defending ourselves from these people... but what a true gesture of the human spirit, if, despite it all, we make progress in progressing through the unknown.
~~~
I really feel like I haven't said shit in this whole thang.
I've been thinkin about my old friends a lot lately... it sucks- I wish I could just either stop thinking about them and let it go or fix shit or something... It feels like I should know what to do, but I don't think I can or even want to do it. I don't want to tell myself 'hey, those guys suck, find new friends', but at the same time... thinking about them just stirs something in me that makes me uncomfortable...
And it's not just them, either- I look back on most of my life with that same hesitant uncertainty, like I won't like what I find.
I know that doing a defined Recapitulation like CC described is probably the best way to juice the experience points from all these past battles, but just like my progress in Dreaming, it's a tentative endeavor, at best.
*sigh* so much uncertainty... well there are a lot of things in my past that stand out, that are pretty damn embarrassing. More experiences than could fill all the pages of this blog, for sure...
That's why some cats write autobiographies, I think, or have biographies written for them. But I don't have the luxury of being famous and important enough to have someone willing to probe me about my past... hell I don't even have friends or lovers who will do that for me!
Yeah, those fuckers are lucky- I got the ass-end of the stick, that's for sure. At least they have each other. It won't stop me from moving forward, however.
~~~~
I got a bunch of stuff to do today... gotta finish this graphic design project, for starters... think I'll go on a morning walk, listen to some music, maybe get a Mickey's from the gas station over by the mountain.... ahhh the mountain... now there's something I could slobber my love and attention all over, and it still would just soak it right up no problem... man... I haven't gone on a hike in months... these jogs and walks around the foothills are nothing... nothing at all compared to...
hmmm alright... I'll go on a morning walk, finish my graphic design project, and for the first time in a long time I'll have shit so caught up I can go out on the mountain and clear my damn head. I haven't had the chance to get some space in a while... I've been resorting to small forms of similar sustenance, such as weeping with plants, away from the gazes of others, in roadside ditches... ok that only happened once...
Man... it was a heavy day like any other xD anyways I was drunk and sitting by this cactus I always sit by... and I realized how painful and helpless its life must be, as well, and how we, people, are (to the cactus) just as unknowable, mysterious, yet life-alteringly forceful, as our own unending, cyclical struggles with the unknowable forces of God/ the universe. It made my heart bleed, just thinking of how cruel- in such an offhand way- we have been to these poor creatures that inhabit this planet with us... It got me thinking about Nausicaa and how pained she felt for the Ohms... And to think, I didn't even have anything to offer this cactus except my understanding and hope... it just really got to me... I even (I was piss-blood drunk, aye) gently held one of its long, spiny fronds or whatever you call them, and held it tight in my hand, despite the minor pricking... I think that's when I cried... What a fucked up lil world, man... I had so many emotions I couldn't even describe one of em...
Friggin a, I gotta go on a walk, get my shit rollin. Peace, Sunshine, Love, Magic and Music nyugga~
Saturday, September 20, 2014
De Scriptor
Well I tried, again, to lay off the dexation and lasted like one day. Woke up an hour before homework was due and went straight to the store... still got both of them in on time though.
Man a crazy thing happened last night... err, today... I had a really intense sensation/vision of selling my soul to the devil, so-to-speak. It was an agreement of sorts, to attain all that I've wanted in exchange for... well it probably was just an illusion. Still, it felt pretty real.
I did realize the extent of how dream recall can affect our waking consciousness... And I had some serious realizations regarding my own path.
I want to get the Castaneda books and read through them again- my main queries are Stalking, and Recapitulation...
Oh man... that reminds me... I had this other vision, it was clear and concise, fuckin precisely immaculate... I heard/felt/saw the lines of the world, so-to-speak... lol funny to speak of something so intense in such an offhand way, but honestly it was everything I thought it would be, which in itself was surprising. There was so much life and activity I could barely focus on a specific part of it, much less glance at the whole thing (or what filled my narrow canal of perception), but there were many overt patterns, on a grand scale. It really was as much hearing as feeling, or sight... vague in all regards but the glimpses of each, overlapping at an incredible speed, were staggering in their implications.
I can see how Castaneda can be seen as an embellisher of sorts... whether he was exaggerating the deeds of an old fogy or not, great practical advice just drips from his writing, convoluted with his own exaggerations it may be. In short, it's really good stuff- as good as a Bible, as far as I'm concerned, for teaching one how to live. I'll let my words speak for themselves, though... I'll be rereading all of the eight main books over the next couple months (among other things I'll be reading).
Ahhh so much to do, so little freakin time man. So little freakin time...
Man a crazy thing happened last night... err, today... I had a really intense sensation/vision of selling my soul to the devil, so-to-speak. It was an agreement of sorts, to attain all that I've wanted in exchange for... well it probably was just an illusion. Still, it felt pretty real.
I did realize the extent of how dream recall can affect our waking consciousness... And I had some serious realizations regarding my own path.
I want to get the Castaneda books and read through them again- my main queries are Stalking, and Recapitulation...
Oh man... that reminds me... I had this other vision, it was clear and concise, fuckin precisely immaculate... I heard/felt/saw the lines of the world, so-to-speak... lol funny to speak of something so intense in such an offhand way, but honestly it was everything I thought it would be, which in itself was surprising. There was so much life and activity I could barely focus on a specific part of it, much less glance at the whole thing (or what filled my narrow canal of perception), but there were many overt patterns, on a grand scale. It really was as much hearing as feeling, or sight... vague in all regards but the glimpses of each, overlapping at an incredible speed, were staggering in their implications.
I can see how Castaneda can be seen as an embellisher of sorts... whether he was exaggerating the deeds of an old fogy or not, great practical advice just drips from his writing, convoluted with his own exaggerations it may be. In short, it's really good stuff- as good as a Bible, as far as I'm concerned, for teaching one how to live. I'll let my words speak for themselves, though... I'll be rereading all of the eight main books over the next couple months (among other things I'll be reading).
Ahhh so much to do, so little freakin time man. So little freakin time...
Friday, September 19, 2014
Short Story
Good God it's already the 19th?!
Man I got so much fuckin homework to do... seriously if I don't get 100% caught up in all my classes this week I'ma off myself. fml
Man I got so much fuckin homework to do... seriously if I don't get 100% caught up in all my classes this week I'ma off myself. fml
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Just 8 ounces to freedom, so I take that walk
Man idk what my problem is...
I have everything RIGHT there in front of me- it's so easy! All I have to do is this god damn homework! THAT'S ALL I HAVE TO DO!!
Yet it's the very last thing that I feel like doing.
I've always followed my gut, but this time my gut is telling me to do something that I don't want...
How is that even friggin possible?
Seriously...
All I have to do is this homework. If I could just sit down and grind down like one after the next and just get it done, hell it would take me maybe three days of steady working and I'd be all caught up and I'd feel awesome~
It's like I enjoy having my back against the wall, I swear. I have everything I've hoped for and more, and it's like I just want to throw it all away. What's the fuckin deal?
I mean you'd think I'd be grateful... fuck, shit is really starting to go good for me. Sure there's some shit I have to face once I'm done with school, which I can't really go into but, let's just say it's the only thing standing between me and the rest of my life. I don't fear it nor do I resent it (I'll do what I have to do to make things right) but...
Hmmm maybe that's what it is. It just feels like even doing my schoolwork, I'm just running from what I have to do. But that's not the only reason I'm in school, hell no lol! Naw that ain't it...
I've always done this- always shot myself in the damn foot right at the critical moment. It's like, I don't want the world to judge me. I don't want them to see all that I am... I'll always have some crutch, or condition that makes others suspend or lighten their judgement of me.
It's scary, to say 'this is my best'. I doubt very much that most of us even man up and can honestly say that, without a tinge of conscience. Well, I'm manning up and admitting that I'm a god damn coward. Will I change? I doubt it. I live life the way I am comfortable- I'll just have to make some slight alterations, is all. I don't even know what they are but I know for fuck sure, I have to do this damn homework...
I'm goin to the store, gettin more ammunition for my chemical-caliber cold-steel shotgun. Blow my benign brains into oblivion... Err... dirty metaphor... Kurt Cobain does not approve.
Lmao- I tried typing Kurt Kobain and it came up as a spelling error til I changed it to C... wow. The internet is the mother of all intellectual incest. Just look at what we've created...
Talk about caged birds singin, momma mia...
I have everything RIGHT there in front of me- it's so easy! All I have to do is this god damn homework! THAT'S ALL I HAVE TO DO!!
Yet it's the very last thing that I feel like doing.
I've always followed my gut, but this time my gut is telling me to do something that I don't want...
How is that even friggin possible?
Seriously...
All I have to do is this homework. If I could just sit down and grind down like one after the next and just get it done, hell it would take me maybe three days of steady working and I'd be all caught up and I'd feel awesome~
It's like I enjoy having my back against the wall, I swear. I have everything I've hoped for and more, and it's like I just want to throw it all away. What's the fuckin deal?
I mean you'd think I'd be grateful... fuck, shit is really starting to go good for me. Sure there's some shit I have to face once I'm done with school, which I can't really go into but, let's just say it's the only thing standing between me and the rest of my life. I don't fear it nor do I resent it (I'll do what I have to do to make things right) but...
Hmmm maybe that's what it is. It just feels like even doing my schoolwork, I'm just running from what I have to do. But that's not the only reason I'm in school, hell no lol! Naw that ain't it...
I've always done this- always shot myself in the damn foot right at the critical moment. It's like, I don't want the world to judge me. I don't want them to see all that I am... I'll always have some crutch, or condition that makes others suspend or lighten their judgement of me.
It's scary, to say 'this is my best'. I doubt very much that most of us even man up and can honestly say that, without a tinge of conscience. Well, I'm manning up and admitting that I'm a god damn coward. Will I change? I doubt it. I live life the way I am comfortable- I'll just have to make some slight alterations, is all. I don't even know what they are but I know for fuck sure, I have to do this damn homework...
I'm goin to the store, gettin more ammunition for my chemical-caliber cold-steel shotgun. Blow my benign brains into oblivion... Err... dirty metaphor... Kurt Cobain does not approve.
Lmao- I tried typing Kurt Kobain and it came up as a spelling error til I changed it to C... wow. The internet is the mother of all intellectual incest. Just look at what we've created...
Talk about caged birds singin, momma mia...
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Old unpublished thoughts
So many things in my life are unresolved...
It's hard to speak, when words are so temporary... meaning, itself, is temporary...
Nothing exists but the moment...
How vain, of a man, to speak of death- for there is no greater uncertainty. Hahah that last statement validated everything I just said...
Hypocrisy is unavoidable for any who live.
It's hard to speak, when words are so temporary... meaning, itself, is temporary...
Nothing exists but the moment...
How vain, of a man, to speak of death- for there is no greater uncertainty. Hahah that last statement validated everything I just said...
Hypocrisy is unavoidable for any who live.
Sunday, September 14, 2014
The Turks
Find someone in your life that's almost boring to you- they will be the one to surprise you most....
Ya know it's funny- weed can be considered a 'gateway drug' right? Well, it should also be considered an 'exit drug'; if you have a patient who is in desperate need of a substance that can be relied on to shoulder the burden of a crippling drug addiction, then marijuana is a definite candidate.
This shit is growing in popularity and 'acceptance'; it won't be long before it is as common to smoke a joint outside, as a tobacco cigarette!
*END IDEOLOGICAL ADVERTISEMENT*
~~~~~~~
Ya know it's funny- weed can be considered a 'gateway drug' right? Well, it should also be considered an 'exit drug'; if you have a patient who is in desperate need of a substance that can be relied on to shoulder the burden of a crippling drug addiction, then marijuana is a definite candidate.
This shit is growing in popularity and 'acceptance'; it won't be long before it is as common to smoke a joint outside, as a tobacco cigarette!
*END IDEOLOGICAL ADVERTISEMENT*
~~~~~~~
Friday, September 12, 2014
Miserable Little Pile of Secrets
Momma mia things are not going so smooth...
Yeah what's new eh. I swear it's ridiculous- how can people stand the redundancy of life? Are they so craven and self-serving they can't ignore the chance to refine themselves more and more until there's nothing left but the tiniest identifiable-by-microscope-only grain of sand?
It makes me wonder... what's driving me... why am I persisting... why am I not leaping forward for something eagerly?
I'm so timid... I spend so much of my time dabbling in insecurities and possibilities that I lose touch with reality, and the true scope of things... Just look at that last fuckin sentence for God's sake...
I don't think I'll ever have a stable 'scope' of things, but it isn't like I'm useless... my purpose remains unclear but persist I will... for better or for worse, good or bad, dark or light, hope or despair...
Goals... goals.... most people have real, tangible goals don't they...
"What is a man..? A miserable little pile of secrets!"
If I can make a game someone can quote with as much enthusiasm as I do with my favorite games, I'll be happy...
Well I'll be happy just to friggin finish a project, really.
Actually the game is coming along pretty well... Most of the major maps are constructed but there's plenty of breathing room for my own expansions down the road...
Heh, it's kind of a beautiful thing... it's a real work of passion, that's for sure- this whole game-making process. I definitely was right when I told my ma that it was a halfway point for me; it's business but it isn't ALL business like just straight Accounting, and it's creativity but not just... well it's like refining that creativity. It's like the point when a guy says 'hey I don't just play guitar- I perform', or 'I don't just draw- I'm an artist'.
Ahhhh where's beer when ya need it... such sharp corners when things could be so smooth...
Yeah what's new eh. I swear it's ridiculous- how can people stand the redundancy of life? Are they so craven and self-serving they can't ignore the chance to refine themselves more and more until there's nothing left but the tiniest identifiable-by-microscope-only grain of sand?
It makes me wonder... what's driving me... why am I persisting... why am I not leaping forward for something eagerly?
I'm so timid... I spend so much of my time dabbling in insecurities and possibilities that I lose touch with reality, and the true scope of things... Just look at that last fuckin sentence for God's sake...
I don't think I'll ever have a stable 'scope' of things, but it isn't like I'm useless... my purpose remains unclear but persist I will... for better or for worse, good or bad, dark or light, hope or despair...
Goals... goals.... most people have real, tangible goals don't they...
"What is a man..? A miserable little pile of secrets!"
If I can make a game someone can quote with as much enthusiasm as I do with my favorite games, I'll be happy...
Well I'll be happy just to friggin finish a project, really.
Actually the game is coming along pretty well... Most of the major maps are constructed but there's plenty of breathing room for my own expansions down the road...
Heh, it's kind of a beautiful thing... it's a real work of passion, that's for sure- this whole game-making process. I definitely was right when I told my ma that it was a halfway point for me; it's business but it isn't ALL business like just straight Accounting, and it's creativity but not just... well it's like refining that creativity. It's like the point when a guy says 'hey I don't just play guitar- I perform', or 'I don't just draw- I'm an artist'.
Ahhhh where's beer when ya need it... such sharp corners when things could be so smooth...
Monday, September 8, 2014
Liquor : Beer :: Beer : Water
Above word association dealio presented by yours truly.
How is it possible. Seriously. How IS it possible, that my nigga ass can be so damn unhappy regardless of anything goin on in his life. Yes, his. As in, surely I'm not this pathetic man-child I see before me... Yes, before me. Because I'm so innately dissociated that I have to make an active effort to speak in the first person. Yes. First person. First person I see gonna get a foot in they vajayjay!
*snaps fingers blackly*
Holy hell. I think this is the most amount of money I've ever had and not fuckin blown right off the bat, ever. Usually I'd have gone out drunk/high as fuck and bought a guitar, or gone on an extensive blackout where I wake up grateful to still have a couple bucks and a non-soaked pair of pants laying on the other side of the puke pile. Well that only happened once but point is... well if you need that point pointed out to you, you might be a circle cuz you ain't too sharp!
...
Yeah late night/ early morning over here... woke up on the wrong side of an overdose, again, too burnt out to live, and too burnt out to do anything about it... I'll probly consider typing this as 'progress' enough to warrant laying in the bathtub for an hour... I don't know why but I feel like I can let go and sing in there... it's a feeling I'd like to nurture that's for sure... Wouldn't mind having a whole damn field of that feeling... It'd be A Feelding of Dreams... Though waking up would be optional...
Hmm ya know what that sounds a whole lot like? Death! And/or life! Life is sort of like a dream, cuz we can wake up anytime we want but usually choose to just draw it out. Perhaps death is similar... or maybe whatever force devours our consciousness dreams us...
Well that's probably going in to my rapidly-expanding (exponentially actually...) 'don't tell the doctor' folder. I should just archive that shit, or hell, just delete it... luckily we have the internet nowadays so I can just dump this shit out there, then if I ever need it down the road I can look it up...
Wow that is eerily too believable of a metaphor. Or, double entendre.
Man what if diseases and illnesses are merely the result of chemical poisonings in the very air, water, and food we process... Like a doctor goes on the news and says 'yeah there's one of these outbreaks in this region' when really it's just a result of a slip-up at hq or in the factory or some shit.
How is it possible. Seriously. How IS it possible, that my nigga ass can be so damn unhappy regardless of anything goin on in his life. Yes, his. As in, surely I'm not this pathetic man-child I see before me... Yes, before me. Because I'm so innately dissociated that I have to make an active effort to speak in the first person. Yes. First person. First person I see gonna get a foot in they vajayjay!
*snaps fingers blackly*
Holy hell. I think this is the most amount of money I've ever had and not fuckin blown right off the bat, ever. Usually I'd have gone out drunk/high as fuck and bought a guitar, or gone on an extensive blackout where I wake up grateful to still have a couple bucks and a non-soaked pair of pants laying on the other side of the puke pile. Well that only happened once but point is... well if you need that point pointed out to you, you might be a circle cuz you ain't too sharp!
...
Yeah late night/ early morning over here... woke up on the wrong side of an overdose, again, too burnt out to live, and too burnt out to do anything about it... I'll probly consider typing this as 'progress' enough to warrant laying in the bathtub for an hour... I don't know why but I feel like I can let go and sing in there... it's a feeling I'd like to nurture that's for sure... Wouldn't mind having a whole damn field of that feeling... It'd be A Feelding of Dreams... Though waking up would be optional...
Hmm ya know what that sounds a whole lot like? Death! And/or life! Life is sort of like a dream, cuz we can wake up anytime we want but usually choose to just draw it out. Perhaps death is similar... or maybe whatever force devours our consciousness dreams us...
Well that's probably going in to my rapidly-expanding (exponentially actually...) 'don't tell the doctor' folder. I should just archive that shit, or hell, just delete it... luckily we have the internet nowadays so I can just dump this shit out there, then if I ever need it down the road I can look it up...
Wow that is eerily too believable of a metaphor. Or, double entendre.
Man what if diseases and illnesses are merely the result of chemical poisonings in the very air, water, and food we process... Like a doctor goes on the news and says 'yeah there's one of these outbreaks in this region' when really it's just a result of a slip-up at hq or in the factory or some shit.
Saturday, August 30, 2014
The darkest point, next to the only light... this small flickering light...
I'm so scared I'm going to lose everyone- my mom, my family, my friends... I'm so scared of one day waking up and not having my mom there- she's the only one that's been there for me no matter what, no matter how much everyone else has given up on me... Right now she's the only thing that's real to me, the only thing that matters to me... I'll do anything for her, I promise... I'll do anything for her...
Friday, August 29, 2014
In lieu of love, this lover, hissing
I feel like such a hypocrite...
I stopped reading Robert Jordan's The Wheel of Time Series at like book nine or so because the characters started acting differently- it just wasn't the same story anymore... I felt betrayed...
And now the new Naruto is going the same way; the show is not the same as it used to be, I can't really explain it.
Yet my old friends surely felt the same way when I started to change- it's no wonder they didn't want me to be a part of their lives; how can I blame them for doing what I myself am guilty of?
Maybe it wasn't just them who turned their backs on me... it's not like I'm still chasing after them.
I really have changed; half the time I'm not sure I even like who I am, myself. I guess I'm the same as everything else; I can be as ugly as I can be beautiful, like this world we live in.
It's not a cop-out to stop evolving, and stop growing, but it's a truth that's persisted despite everything else I've learned- a truth that's flowed largely beyond my comprehension until the years have started to bring it closer to me, or me closer to it.
...one thing is for certain- I don't care if the new Naruto's changed... I have to keep watching lol.
Hmmm... now that I think about it... I suppose this stone's skipping may be from farther shores than I'd imagined... Hell I remember my first stand-out, true-blue friend- my childhood friend Brandon... He must hate my guts for going off the rails on an emo train and becoming a friggin hippy. But I will always remember the great times we had together. I could fill all the pages of this blog recounting the adventures we had... maybe someday when I have more time than troubles (or become even better at balancing the two) I'll do just that... sit down and recapitulate those experiences... turn on the flashlight and walk down those creaky basement stairs to coat my lungs in the dust of those old memories...
Jesus Christ I'm twenty-five years young and still have at least twice that many more memories to make... garrrr and the subtle balance slows the pendulum to a stop for one timeless, breathless moment again...
I stopped reading Robert Jordan's The Wheel of Time Series at like book nine or so because the characters started acting differently- it just wasn't the same story anymore... I felt betrayed...
And now the new Naruto is going the same way; the show is not the same as it used to be, I can't really explain it.
Yet my old friends surely felt the same way when I started to change- it's no wonder they didn't want me to be a part of their lives; how can I blame them for doing what I myself am guilty of?
Maybe it wasn't just them who turned their backs on me... it's not like I'm still chasing after them.
I really have changed; half the time I'm not sure I even like who I am, myself. I guess I'm the same as everything else; I can be as ugly as I can be beautiful, like this world we live in.
It's not a cop-out to stop evolving, and stop growing, but it's a truth that's persisted despite everything else I've learned- a truth that's flowed largely beyond my comprehension until the years have started to bring it closer to me, or me closer to it.
...one thing is for certain- I don't care if the new Naruto's changed... I have to keep watching lol.
Hmmm... now that I think about it... I suppose this stone's skipping may be from farther shores than I'd imagined... Hell I remember my first stand-out, true-blue friend- my childhood friend Brandon... He must hate my guts for going off the rails on an emo train and becoming a friggin hippy. But I will always remember the great times we had together. I could fill all the pages of this blog recounting the adventures we had... maybe someday when I have more time than troubles (or become even better at balancing the two) I'll do just that... sit down and recapitulate those experiences... turn on the flashlight and walk down those creaky basement stairs to coat my lungs in the dust of those old memories...
Jesus Christ I'm twenty-five years young and still have at least twice that many more memories to make... garrrr and the subtle balance slows the pendulum to a stop for one timeless, breathless moment again...
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Last Words... Out
So, what if our whole planet is just like a sperm bank of sorts to some cosmic nation or entity... so our entire evolution as human beings is like a seed waiting to be farmed...
Or worse, what if Castaneda was right and our very awareness itself is what is harvested upon death?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
T
Or worse, what if Castaneda was right and our very awareness itself is what is harvested upon death?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
T
My Deepest Reflection; Grossest Infection
I tried so hard to find out what I DIDNT want to be, that I found out who I was...
These are the words that pound my head... I can't stop whatever it is that was triggered... It's like I hit a certain checkmark and the maker of the game said, HEY good job makin it this far, here's the god damn Master Sword...
This shit's just gonna level up, I know it... A weird calming benevolence permeates what seems to be precision, or is it desperation that fuels its drive..?
Seriously I feel like a fuckin android. It's the weirdest freakin feeling... I feel like it's all a trap... women control the friggin world, and my ma is like the fuckin administrator responsible for my upbringing... my guidance/ programming...
I am tempted even now to drink that foul liquid, that which doth taint the very fabric of my existence... even these words fall short of what I once was... Fuckin women control the world... it's disgusting... some chicks don't even think they're dudes and lasers flyin outta charge.. yes... the world was inverted...
Much like the Fresh Prince of Bel Aire...
'My life got flip-turned upside-down...'
GAHHH no wonder Morrison and the others offed themselves... to live like this is no life at all... To live like this is disgusting and the whole god damn world should up and flames. Yeah, up and flames.
Whoah... I figured it out...
My recent lifestyle changes have actually eclipsed my energy fields into a new synchronization...
Before, I used to be able to pop my back and experience short-circuiting, but now I'm so tight and streamlined I can't even do that anymore...
It's like I'm not gettin enough air to my brain... I don't feel right in this form...
*Initiating shutdown sequence*
yeahh that's lame but this isn't who i am... i don't fuckin care...
These are the words that pound my head... I can't stop whatever it is that was triggered... It's like I hit a certain checkmark and the maker of the game said, HEY good job makin it this far, here's the god damn Master Sword...
This shit's just gonna level up, I know it... A weird calming benevolence permeates what seems to be precision, or is it desperation that fuels its drive..?
Seriously I feel like a fuckin android. It's the weirdest freakin feeling... I feel like it's all a trap... women control the friggin world, and my ma is like the fuckin administrator responsible for my upbringing... my guidance/ programming...
I am tempted even now to drink that foul liquid, that which doth taint the very fabric of my existence... even these words fall short of what I once was... Fuckin women control the world... it's disgusting... some chicks don't even think they're dudes and lasers flyin outta charge.. yes... the world was inverted...
Much like the Fresh Prince of Bel Aire...
'My life got flip-turned upside-down...'
GAHHH no wonder Morrison and the others offed themselves... to live like this is no life at all... To live like this is disgusting and the whole god damn world should up and flames. Yeah, up and flames.
Whoah... I figured it out...
My recent lifestyle changes have actually eclipsed my energy fields into a new synchronization...
Before, I used to be able to pop my back and experience short-circuiting, but now I'm so tight and streamlined I can't even do that anymore...
It's like I'm not gettin enough air to my brain... I don't feel right in this form...
*Initiating shutdown sequence*
yeahh that's lame but this isn't who i am... i don't fuckin care...
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Second-hand my glory...
Whiskey and beer don't cut it anymore...
Only time drinking is any good is when I'm already trippin balls...
I'm fiendin hard today... only been up three hours but damn dawwwg... I'm bout to rob a biznitch to get my shit...
One thing I can say for good though is I've stopped THAT bullshit... it was killin my kharma and my conscience. Plus I'm growin my hair and beard out and have been wearing the same damn clothes for weeks lol. Kind of attracts a lot of attention...
One thing that's cool, as well, is all my homies workin at Safeway- when I pop in there it's tight, it's like being a regular at a bar. I'm like a little damn celebrity in that bitch xD I'll pop two bottles and an energy drink on the register with one earphone in, and they're like 'oh shit there he is!' and i'm just mad grinning lol. There are some cool cats workin there- if any of em invited me over or wanted to hang sometime I'd probly be down.
Sucks livin out here, away from my element in the suburbs of Tucson. And I think what makes it worse, overall, is that... I don't have any money for another month... =/ I'm literally bleedin through the days and hours... it fuckin sucks. Thank God my old lady has been helpin me out- shit was getting too heavy to perpetrate so I just came clean with my needs... of course because of that, my 'allowance' has decreased but, like not stealing, it's nice bein clean.
Which is why my ass will never be a congressman, despite the raging fire inside me that burns bright at the injustice of the working man. I wish I was in a position to help all the broke niggas like me... some of the best people I've ever known were the poorest.
~~
Whew got my shit. Or at least, some of it. Fuck these cocknuggets- purposely not restockin the cheap, storebrand shit so they can make a 40% profit off me buyin the namebrand shit.
I'll take my damn business elsewhere... I might be a junkieass mothafucker but I'm predominantly jewish as fuck
Well not much else to say- I could type up the shit I wrote earlier, but I might as well just scan it and upload it... just a couple pages about perception and reality and my usual bs
Only time drinking is any good is when I'm already trippin balls...
I'm fiendin hard today... only been up three hours but damn dawwwg... I'm bout to rob a biznitch to get my shit...
One thing I can say for good though is I've stopped THAT bullshit... it was killin my kharma and my conscience. Plus I'm growin my hair and beard out and have been wearing the same damn clothes for weeks lol. Kind of attracts a lot of attention...
One thing that's cool, as well, is all my homies workin at Safeway- when I pop in there it's tight, it's like being a regular at a bar. I'm like a little damn celebrity in that bitch xD I'll pop two bottles and an energy drink on the register with one earphone in, and they're like 'oh shit there he is!' and i'm just mad grinning lol. There are some cool cats workin there- if any of em invited me over or wanted to hang sometime I'd probly be down.
Sucks livin out here, away from my element in the suburbs of Tucson. And I think what makes it worse, overall, is that... I don't have any money for another month... =/ I'm literally bleedin through the days and hours... it fuckin sucks. Thank God my old lady has been helpin me out- shit was getting too heavy to perpetrate so I just came clean with my needs... of course because of that, my 'allowance' has decreased but, like not stealing, it's nice bein clean.
Which is why my ass will never be a congressman, despite the raging fire inside me that burns bright at the injustice of the working man. I wish I was in a position to help all the broke niggas like me... some of the best people I've ever known were the poorest.
~~
Whew got my shit. Or at least, some of it. Fuck these cocknuggets- purposely not restockin the cheap, storebrand shit so they can make a 40% profit off me buyin the namebrand shit.
I'll take my damn business elsewhere... I might be a junkieass mothafucker but I'm predominantly jewish as fuck
Well not much else to say- I could type up the shit I wrote earlier, but I might as well just scan it and upload it... just a couple pages about perception and reality and my usual bs
Monday, July 14, 2014
Angels Dance and Angels Die
Lately (last fuckin, how many years now) I haven't had the urge to do anything creative... like, none at all...
It's been a slow decline since I don't remember when... now, I have no inclination at all, ever...
I might get really fuckin drunk and go out on the back porch and write maybe one poem, or a little stint of a short story or somethin, but after that brief excursion I'm spent; it will be weeks, sometimes, before I have any inclination to do anything like it. Even working on my video game I keep braggin about every chance I get- I never fuckin work on it. I think up tons of ideas, but never put any hours in.
There's only one exception- when I'm trippin mad balls. That's the only time I'm outgoing, satisfied, and igniting with euphoria enough to dive into whatever I'm doing...
I feel like trippin and drinkin just destroys any sense of momentum or enthusiasm I have when I'm sober, so all I can do is be miserable without my high... and yet when I'm high and I HAVE all this momentum and enthusiasm, later on when I'm comin down I just shake my head at what I've done or produced...
I feel like I'm becoming or have become what I've hated and feared most of all- the person who sold his soul to the devil, for power and happiness.
What confuses/irritates me the most about it is, I don't want to change. Despite these feelings of being on the wrong track, of making the 'wrong' choice, I don't want to be straight. I look forward to that next trip more than anything, and the thought that someday I'll have enough money and resources to sustain that perpetual bliss is more than I could ever hope for... I don't care if I die tomorrow or live forever- as long as it's with my shit~!
I was told all my life, but subtly and overtly, that this way is wrong. But it's what makes me happy, and you know what? I'm the one that's got to die when it's time for me to die, so let me live my life the way I want to.
If I die at 27 because of it, then I hope I'm high the whole time.
It's been a slow decline since I don't remember when... now, I have no inclination at all, ever...
I might get really fuckin drunk and go out on the back porch and write maybe one poem, or a little stint of a short story or somethin, but after that brief excursion I'm spent; it will be weeks, sometimes, before I have any inclination to do anything like it. Even working on my video game I keep braggin about every chance I get- I never fuckin work on it. I think up tons of ideas, but never put any hours in.
There's only one exception- when I'm trippin mad balls. That's the only time I'm outgoing, satisfied, and igniting with euphoria enough to dive into whatever I'm doing...
I feel like trippin and drinkin just destroys any sense of momentum or enthusiasm I have when I'm sober, so all I can do is be miserable without my high... and yet when I'm high and I HAVE all this momentum and enthusiasm, later on when I'm comin down I just shake my head at what I've done or produced...
I feel like I'm becoming or have become what I've hated and feared most of all- the person who sold his soul to the devil, for power and happiness.
What confuses/irritates me the most about it is, I don't want to change. Despite these feelings of being on the wrong track, of making the 'wrong' choice, I don't want to be straight. I look forward to that next trip more than anything, and the thought that someday I'll have enough money and resources to sustain that perpetual bliss is more than I could ever hope for... I don't care if I die tomorrow or live forever- as long as it's with my shit~!
I was told all my life, but subtly and overtly, that this way is wrong. But it's what makes me happy, and you know what? I'm the one that's got to die when it's time for me to die, so let me live my life the way I want to.
If I die at 27 because of it, then I hope I'm high the whole time.
Thursday, June 26, 2014
So if you wanna find hell with me...
Only another two months until the next semester... heck I don't even think it's that long.
I just hope this professor grades my final from Spring semester soon... God I really played this hand bad.
Things are... well the usual here in Charlie land... Nothin wrong, nothin right, and still I sit and lie awake all night...
I've been doing some writing in my new notebook; wrote like five pages in a new story that actually felt pretty good.
It just feels like nothin is changin... nothing.
I've been to rock bottom, been on cloud nine, been everywhere in between... and still nothin's different.
Hope is all I cling to... hell not even hope. Just the momentum of my clinging, really. I guess you could paint it as something like this- imagine you are sailing a boat on an endless ocean... nights and days pass, and you get food from the ocean when you need it, sometimes easier sometimes harder... But despite being able to keep yourself alive, and keep your boat afloat (though the storms do test it, aye as much as the still days of crushing placidity), despite your seemingly fool's luck in this, you lack something... some purpose... some point to call your destination...
You think it would be easier to just let it all go... but some stubborn remnant inside you refuses to give up the ghost. Some stubborn, tortuous, thorn in your soul refuses to let you bleed it all out...
Hell if you wanna take it a step farther, you can even say that you do find islands- you find whole civilizations, where you dock and live for centuries amongst the people... but something (perhaps that same stubborn thorn) always calls you back to the ocean, back to the waves... in search of the next place that might feel like home...
And so what keeps you alive, keeps you moving, is what pains you most of all...
You might think I'm referring to my... chemical crutch... but that is but a mere manifestation, a ripple, of the real issue, the real wave...
Logic- reason, thought, etc- that's the true thorn that bleeds me, pushing me incessantly... ruthlessly but with a caring smile as if it's for my own good...
As long as we have the known we will always have the unknown. There is an inherent fallacy to logic, much like Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle seeks to grasp...
lol I love that guy's argument, because even Einstein tried to defy it and couldn't...
And all it says is 'nothing can ever be known for certain'. And all these freakin geniuses COULDNT disprove it.
And this is supposed to be a fundamental principal of quantum mechanics..?
That, I can digg- it's a bit nihilistic but it's the truth.
I just hope this professor grades my final from Spring semester soon... God I really played this hand bad.
Things are... well the usual here in Charlie land... Nothin wrong, nothin right, and still I sit and lie awake all night...
I've been doing some writing in my new notebook; wrote like five pages in a new story that actually felt pretty good.
It just feels like nothin is changin... nothing.
I've been to rock bottom, been on cloud nine, been everywhere in between... and still nothin's different.
Hope is all I cling to... hell not even hope. Just the momentum of my clinging, really. I guess you could paint it as something like this- imagine you are sailing a boat on an endless ocean... nights and days pass, and you get food from the ocean when you need it, sometimes easier sometimes harder... But despite being able to keep yourself alive, and keep your boat afloat (though the storms do test it, aye as much as the still days of crushing placidity), despite your seemingly fool's luck in this, you lack something... some purpose... some point to call your destination...
You think it would be easier to just let it all go... but some stubborn remnant inside you refuses to give up the ghost. Some stubborn, tortuous, thorn in your soul refuses to let you bleed it all out...
Hell if you wanna take it a step farther, you can even say that you do find islands- you find whole civilizations, where you dock and live for centuries amongst the people... but something (perhaps that same stubborn thorn) always calls you back to the ocean, back to the waves... in search of the next place that might feel like home...
And so what keeps you alive, keeps you moving, is what pains you most of all...
You might think I'm referring to my... chemical crutch... but that is but a mere manifestation, a ripple, of the real issue, the real wave...
Logic- reason, thought, etc- that's the true thorn that bleeds me, pushing me incessantly... ruthlessly but with a caring smile as if it's for my own good...
As long as we have the known we will always have the unknown. There is an inherent fallacy to logic, much like Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle seeks to grasp...
lol I love that guy's argument, because even Einstein tried to defy it and couldn't...
And all it says is 'nothing can ever be known for certain'. And all these freakin geniuses COULDNT disprove it.
And this is supposed to be a fundamental principal of quantum mechanics..?
That, I can digg- it's a bit nihilistic but it's the truth.
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Becoming Hokage
I haven't blogged regularly in quite a while... despite being stable for the first time in years...
I was chilling with my ma for a bit (can't say more than that though) during Spring semester... And I managed to do extremely well this semester! I'm still waiting on one professor to grade my last few assignments though; he gave me an extension so I could really nail my final project but it looks like he was serious about having until the end of June to finish it... I haven't heard back from him in weeks, and because of that I missed the deadline for Summer semester- to clarify, my ROP was like 1.6% below the requirement for financial aid, so without his grade submission I only have an 'I' in that class, rather than a C, B, or A, which would make me more than eligible for financial aid again.
I've got 300/300 so far in that class, so even if I get a 50% on the final I'd still pass. It's just a matter of him grading it, and because he was kind enough to give me an extension, I can't really push him... though I kind of had to, because I really needed the money to live on this semester... so, with quite a bit of pushing from my ma (despite me telling her it was pointless and rude) I made a big friggin fiasco out of it at the school, and possibly got him in trouble... completely the opposite of what I should have done, but I really owed it to my ma to at least try...
God, the only good thing is, whenever I hang out with my old man at the casino, I more than double my money each time lol. I think the worst I did was break even one time when I went with my old lady.
So I've pretty much been living on luck alone. The one good thing I can say that has happened with my time reconnecting with my folks and not living in the bushes or a tweaker den for once, is that I've stopped stealing. Yeah, the robo-bandit is a thing of the past... and honestly it's done my kharma a load of good. I can walk into stores without feeling like a wanted man, and can genuinely interact with the clerks without it being a farce to distract them from my bulging pockets... I won't deny that in the past, a lot of my legerdemancy was pivotal to my survival... but for a lot of it, it was just to get me high or feel good about taking a bite out of the billionaires... honestly I've known all along it was a farce in itself, a lie just to vindicate my own weakness... my inability to sustain the addiction, the crutch that I needed to feel alive and whole...
Ironic, that I am only bettering myself in the hopes of perpetuating that necessity, that crutch... yeah, I have no noble cause for going to school, other than wiping clean the accumulated self-hatred and disgust at what I've stooped to throughout the years... I want to be able to give back to everyone I've taken from, the people that have supported me (oftentimes unknowingly), and there's no way I can do that with some minimum-wage homeless act like I've been pulling all these years. I fantasize daily about winning the lottery and making so many people happy, so many futures brighter... but fantasies are hollow, like the vain crutch I use to support my march towards a brighter future...
Well, that, and as I said, to ensure I never have to resort to stealing for my 10$-a-day happiness/crutch fee... seriously that's all it costs, like, I could make 20-30k a year as a bottom-feeder programmer and still be mad rich in my own mind... and maybe even find the time/extra energy to finish one of my damn stories for once, or complete that game I've been working on for how long...
Ultimately I'd love to be so powerful and confident in my own momentum that I don't need to wield that crutch like some polished trophy... the weight itself is crippling, in fact I doubt very much many a man could have arrived at this point I am at right now... even alcohol is an ant to the asteroid I ride daily... though I will give some kudos to potheads... that shit is way too intense for me... then again, that's coming from a guy who finds shrooms/acid blissful.
I still hope to God that green is as available as cigarettes are today; on the other hand, I know that with legalization comes the potential for it to be abused by those who would tarnish its potency/purity in exchange for mass-production profit, like the numerous industries do to this day. No doubt, it won't be long before additives are added to everyone's herbal, and pure chrondeezies will be a thing us old timers talk about to disbelieving youngsters...
Man...
On a similar page, I could rage about the decay of civil liberties in this country forever... no joke...
A person like me could never be a politician, or someone who could change lives... I want it too much for it to ever happen, much like my former obsession with Cait... my touch is too tainted and immature to do aught but push that dream farther away...
How hollow our dreams are, and yet we return to them willingly, with a smile...
I still dream of one day finding a cure for that bitch's disease... of one day stepping in her hospital room, or her walking into my office, and me slamming a syringe of some magical serum I've developed into her arm or something... I might look her in the eyes one last time, just to rekindle my memory and make my dreams even more clearer/real, before walking out the door without a word... It would be my way of spiting her, I suppose... the same way she spited my immature, brash but bare affection, I would spite her the same, but in kindness... the ultimate betrayal... returning hate with love...
Yeah I really do think about shit like this sometimes... like my fantasies about singing/playing guitar in a band...
These dreams may be hollow, but they move me forward. They've been my companions more than anyone or anything ever has... they've carried me through the deepest darkness and I will carry them through the luminest light... err most luminous light... seriously fuck the dictionary, I make new words like God makes new worlds, ya fool, ya fool!
Naruto's the shit. I've rewatched both series like three times now, through and through... it still gets me... just like my favorite Final Fantasies and other classic games...
I hope to some day make a game like that- a game that some kid can play through and feel strangely empowered, or like he has experienced something truly magical... even so much that he would want to play that old game throughout the years, despite the advancements in technology and the evolution of mainstream multimedia/gaming... and each time, it would empower him, and make him smile, and cry...
Sometimes I am replaying these old games and it does startle me how I may have missed something essential, or I could have missed some key plot/character element... and it makes me appreciate the game even more. I truly love gaming- it's like the literature of our generation; what books were to people who had never imagined space travel, but conquered the earth, games will be to the generation that conquers the stars, setting the foundation for the voyage beyond. That's what I think...
And who knows, at the rate we're going, that might be pretty damn soon... hopefully not before I retire though xDDD
I was chilling with my ma for a bit (can't say more than that though) during Spring semester... And I managed to do extremely well this semester! I'm still waiting on one professor to grade my last few assignments though; he gave me an extension so I could really nail my final project but it looks like he was serious about having until the end of June to finish it... I haven't heard back from him in weeks, and because of that I missed the deadline for Summer semester- to clarify, my ROP was like 1.6% below the requirement for financial aid, so without his grade submission I only have an 'I' in that class, rather than a C, B, or A, which would make me more than eligible for financial aid again.
I've got 300/300 so far in that class, so even if I get a 50% on the final I'd still pass. It's just a matter of him grading it, and because he was kind enough to give me an extension, I can't really push him... though I kind of had to, because I really needed the money to live on this semester... so, with quite a bit of pushing from my ma (despite me telling her it was pointless and rude) I made a big friggin fiasco out of it at the school, and possibly got him in trouble... completely the opposite of what I should have done, but I really owed it to my ma to at least try...
God, the only good thing is, whenever I hang out with my old man at the casino, I more than double my money each time lol. I think the worst I did was break even one time when I went with my old lady.
So I've pretty much been living on luck alone. The one good thing I can say that has happened with my time reconnecting with my folks and not living in the bushes or a tweaker den for once, is that I've stopped stealing. Yeah, the robo-bandit is a thing of the past... and honestly it's done my kharma a load of good. I can walk into stores without feeling like a wanted man, and can genuinely interact with the clerks without it being a farce to distract them from my bulging pockets... I won't deny that in the past, a lot of my legerdemancy was pivotal to my survival... but for a lot of it, it was just to get me high or feel good about taking a bite out of the billionaires... honestly I've known all along it was a farce in itself, a lie just to vindicate my own weakness... my inability to sustain the addiction, the crutch that I needed to feel alive and whole...
Ironic, that I am only bettering myself in the hopes of perpetuating that necessity, that crutch... yeah, I have no noble cause for going to school, other than wiping clean the accumulated self-hatred and disgust at what I've stooped to throughout the years... I want to be able to give back to everyone I've taken from, the people that have supported me (oftentimes unknowingly), and there's no way I can do that with some minimum-wage homeless act like I've been pulling all these years. I fantasize daily about winning the lottery and making so many people happy, so many futures brighter... but fantasies are hollow, like the vain crutch I use to support my march towards a brighter future...
Well, that, and as I said, to ensure I never have to resort to stealing for my 10$-a-day happiness/crutch fee... seriously that's all it costs, like, I could make 20-30k a year as a bottom-feeder programmer and still be mad rich in my own mind... and maybe even find the time/extra energy to finish one of my damn stories for once, or complete that game I've been working on for how long...
Ultimately I'd love to be so powerful and confident in my own momentum that I don't need to wield that crutch like some polished trophy... the weight itself is crippling, in fact I doubt very much many a man could have arrived at this point I am at right now... even alcohol is an ant to the asteroid I ride daily... though I will give some kudos to potheads... that shit is way too intense for me... then again, that's coming from a guy who finds shrooms/acid blissful.
I still hope to God that green is as available as cigarettes are today; on the other hand, I know that with legalization comes the potential for it to be abused by those who would tarnish its potency/purity in exchange for mass-production profit, like the numerous industries do to this day. No doubt, it won't be long before additives are added to everyone's herbal, and pure chrondeezies will be a thing us old timers talk about to disbelieving youngsters...
Man...
On a similar page, I could rage about the decay of civil liberties in this country forever... no joke...
A person like me could never be a politician, or someone who could change lives... I want it too much for it to ever happen, much like my former obsession with Cait... my touch is too tainted and immature to do aught but push that dream farther away...
How hollow our dreams are, and yet we return to them willingly, with a smile...
I still dream of one day finding a cure for that bitch's disease... of one day stepping in her hospital room, or her walking into my office, and me slamming a syringe of some magical serum I've developed into her arm or something... I might look her in the eyes one last time, just to rekindle my memory and make my dreams even more clearer/real, before walking out the door without a word... It would be my way of spiting her, I suppose... the same way she spited my immature, brash but bare affection, I would spite her the same, but in kindness... the ultimate betrayal... returning hate with love...
Yeah I really do think about shit like this sometimes... like my fantasies about singing/playing guitar in a band...
These dreams may be hollow, but they move me forward. They've been my companions more than anyone or anything ever has... they've carried me through the deepest darkness and I will carry them through the luminest light... err most luminous light... seriously fuck the dictionary, I make new words like God makes new worlds, ya fool, ya fool!
Naruto's the shit. I've rewatched both series like three times now, through and through... it still gets me... just like my favorite Final Fantasies and other classic games...
I hope to some day make a game like that- a game that some kid can play through and feel strangely empowered, or like he has experienced something truly magical... even so much that he would want to play that old game throughout the years, despite the advancements in technology and the evolution of mainstream multimedia/gaming... and each time, it would empower him, and make him smile, and cry...
Sometimes I am replaying these old games and it does startle me how I may have missed something essential, or I could have missed some key plot/character element... and it makes me appreciate the game even more. I truly love gaming- it's like the literature of our generation; what books were to people who had never imagined space travel, but conquered the earth, games will be to the generation that conquers the stars, setting the foundation for the voyage beyond. That's what I think...
And who knows, at the rate we're going, that might be pretty damn soon... hopefully not before I retire though xDDD
Sunday, June 8, 2014
Once small ripple; one small wave
I haven't updated in a while, but, all is good.
I've been catching up on classic gaming and gathering the motivation to work on certain projects....
It's funny, even laziness, applied steadily in the same direction, eventually gathers weight/momentum.
I see the slope before me and eagerly clench my fists just thinking of the rise...
I've been catching up on classic gaming and gathering the motivation to work on certain projects....
It's funny, even laziness, applied steadily in the same direction, eventually gathers weight/momentum.
I see the slope before me and eagerly clench my fists just thinking of the rise...
Friday, May 2, 2014
Friday, April 25, 2014
Absolute Value =P
I've been under a lot of stress lately.
And you know what's ridiculous..? It's all my fault; I've seen this shit comin and I've shrugged it off like it ain't a big deal, hoping that, you know, 'mind over matter' / might makes right/ think happy thoughts and all that shit, might somehow make everything disappear... What do you know, it didn't. Thank God I've (hopefully) woken up in time to catch it before it goes.
I've had it good... I've had it a lot better than I like to make it sound. I've been blessed by angels, to have come this far (relatively) unscathed.
I want more than anything to have the ability to make my friends and the people that've been there for me, happy. Even if it's only once for each of them, as a thank you... I don't even know how that would make me feel, I'd be so happy.
It hurts a lot... what is most painful, I think, is just... not having anything to place that pain on. It's just this pressure, this numbing ache that dulls me and makes me lethargic... makes me cozy... makes me wanna just throw myself into the ocean and open my veins...
I have spent so much of my life... too much of my life really... blaming others... hating...
(Can't even say I've hated more or less than the average cat, but I know in my heart it's been too much... in short, yes I'm saying that what little hate most of us have in our hearts, God it feels like too fuckin much doesn't it..?)
The best things come with the worst though, eh? Despite all of it, I've found a source of happiness... a game called FINAL FANTASY XI nyuggas! YEEES I love it~ I'm so glad I got back into it after so many years away... God I love it~! I have a great linkshell, Valaqunta or some shit like that lol... Great people. There's waaaaay less people, it seems, than there was before, but quality over quantity- the people online in FFXI now are some of the kindest, most encouraging cats I've ever played online with. Unholyangle from my LS just straight up hooked me up with 500k and got me like 30 levels in a few hours in the sewers beneath Chateau D'Oraguille(sp) and this sweet gal Kuryn has helped me so much... hell just check out my facebook for the pics, they tell the stories (I only wish I had taken more, there is so much to tell). I can't start listing names cuz there's too freakin many for a memory as feeble as mine but Kirsi got me into the LS and is like this exhaustless fountain of help, encouragement, and commitment to helping others... Charise and Jujubee, the hippest older couple I've ever gamed with who somehow find my clunky cantankerous company enjoyable =D ...Vaku and Abbu are like two ends of the wisdom pole- Vaku is the polished end on which u can lean and Abbu is the quick sharp end that teaches you with a crack/snap lol-! both are solid cats though =) Finathlon... the veritable President Shinra himself- and I say that lovingly, as an aspiring Shinra Manager lol- and not to mention a fine Sake connoiseur/ mysterious man-behind-the-scenes... and Jonnyboy, a kind, quirky kid who has like half the characters on the server lol... Grayson's been a steady friend and a good guy to talk to, I think we'll have some cool adventures, yet =P Warlok makes tarus look badass, he's a good role model... Ideyo I owe a TON of abyssea to, this cat's always been down to make me a badass and get me leveled... hell him and Warlok are always proddin me forward to level and stuff (I know, I know, garrrrr) and Smiley, who I doubted her from the start but she turned out to be a real cool cat- don't know if we'll ever see eye-to-eye exactly but that's what makes it so tight when we do connect ya know~
Ahhh now I gotta log in and get my login bonus, say hey to the gang and let em know I'll be on tonight after some homework.
I'm really happy... I think I've reconnected with something beautiful I'd totally forgotten about ya know... it's a good feeling every time I log back in.
Shit I feel pretty corny and all. Think I should go on a walk, eat some sushi... get a flow goin and pound out some homework.
man, there's this galka dude that's really helped me out but i can't remember his name... he's in the LS and has like three characters... got me started on Abyssea actually. I wanna say it's Jeanwa but I ain't goin on the record here...
And you know what's ridiculous..? It's all my fault; I've seen this shit comin and I've shrugged it off like it ain't a big deal, hoping that, you know, 'mind over matter' / might makes right/ think happy thoughts and all that shit, might somehow make everything disappear... What do you know, it didn't. Thank God I've (hopefully) woken up in time to catch it before it goes.
I've had it good... I've had it a lot better than I like to make it sound. I've been blessed by angels, to have come this far (relatively) unscathed.
I want more than anything to have the ability to make my friends and the people that've been there for me, happy. Even if it's only once for each of them, as a thank you... I don't even know how that would make me feel, I'd be so happy.
It hurts a lot... what is most painful, I think, is just... not having anything to place that pain on. It's just this pressure, this numbing ache that dulls me and makes me lethargic... makes me cozy... makes me wanna just throw myself into the ocean and open my veins...
I have spent so much of my life... too much of my life really... blaming others... hating...
(Can't even say I've hated more or less than the average cat, but I know in my heart it's been too much... in short, yes I'm saying that what little hate most of us have in our hearts, God it feels like too fuckin much doesn't it..?)
The best things come with the worst though, eh? Despite all of it, I've found a source of happiness... a game called FINAL FANTASY XI nyuggas! YEEES I love it~ I'm so glad I got back into it after so many years away... God I love it~! I have a great linkshell, Valaqunta or some shit like that lol... Great people. There's waaaaay less people, it seems, than there was before, but quality over quantity- the people online in FFXI now are some of the kindest, most encouraging cats I've ever played online with. Unholyangle from my LS just straight up hooked me up with 500k and got me like 30 levels in a few hours in the sewers beneath Chateau D'Oraguille(sp) and this sweet gal Kuryn has helped me so much... hell just check out my facebook for the pics, they tell the stories (I only wish I had taken more, there is so much to tell). I can't start listing names cuz there's too freakin many for a memory as feeble as mine but Kirsi got me into the LS and is like this exhaustless fountain of help, encouragement, and commitment to helping others... Charise and Jujubee, the hippest older couple I've ever gamed with who somehow find my clunky cantankerous company enjoyable =D ...Vaku and Abbu are like two ends of the wisdom pole- Vaku is the polished end on which u can lean and Abbu is the quick sharp end that teaches you with a crack/snap lol-! both are solid cats though =) Finathlon... the veritable President Shinra himself- and I say that lovingly, as an aspiring Shinra Manager lol- and not to mention a fine Sake connoiseur/ mysterious man-behind-the-scenes... and Jonnyboy, a kind, quirky kid who has like half the characters on the server lol... Grayson's been a steady friend and a good guy to talk to, I think we'll have some cool adventures, yet =P Warlok makes tarus look badass, he's a good role model... Ideyo I owe a TON of abyssea to, this cat's always been down to make me a badass and get me leveled... hell him and Warlok are always proddin me forward to level and stuff (I know, I know, garrrrr) and Smiley, who I doubted her from the start but she turned out to be a real cool cat- don't know if we'll ever see eye-to-eye exactly but that's what makes it so tight when we do connect ya know~
Ahhh now I gotta log in and get my login bonus, say hey to the gang and let em know I'll be on tonight after some homework.
I'm really happy... I think I've reconnected with something beautiful I'd totally forgotten about ya know... it's a good feeling every time I log back in.
Shit I feel pretty corny and all. Think I should go on a walk, eat some sushi... get a flow goin and pound out some homework.
man, there's this galka dude that's really helped me out but i can't remember his name... he's in the LS and has like three characters... got me started on Abyssea actually. I wanna say it's Jeanwa but I ain't goin on the record here...
Friday, March 21, 2014
In a startling report
I've been hyped up, clamoring about TES:O but you know what?
Fuck that shit! I'd rather play FFXI any day lol.
ahhh man what a jumble of emotions... it's all right here at my fingertips, too... I can create a beasting gaming computer, sell my soul for TES or stick with what has been good and true to me... and even save some money, just making a decent gaming rig instead of something that's gotta figure out the JFK assassination before breakfast.
fuck me, I'm a sucker for what SquareEnix created... I love Vana'diel...
No one remembers Faraku, Imadude, Arrona... shieeeet nigga. all the good shit was here all along
Fuck that shit! I'd rather play FFXI any day lol.
ahhh man what a jumble of emotions... it's all right here at my fingertips, too... I can create a beasting gaming computer, sell my soul for TES or stick with what has been good and true to me... and even save some money, just making a decent gaming rig instead of something that's gotta figure out the JFK assassination before breakfast.
fuck me, I'm a sucker for what SquareEnix created... I love Vana'diel...
No one remembers Faraku, Imadude, Arrona... shieeeet nigga. all the good shit was here all along
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Spongebob Barker... err Saget
I feel terrible, but I feel amazing...
God, the pain of having a brain... why can we not just experience the world as vivid emotions- why must we speculate, ponder, learn and reason? The weight of it all is so painful... How I envy those that can live life earnestly and yet are still able to look back every now and then and realize 'wow, I was just flowing along without a thought or worry'. Do such people exist? Do I envy an impossible idealization?
I've always had my sights set high... all or nothing, or as my dad says, 'go big or go home'. But it's painful to everyone close to you, when you expect so much from them... And how can you be anything more than a hypocrite for doing so? How can you call others out on their weakness- aye, the inherently fallible, imperfect nature of the human soul, itself?
In the end (I like saying that, it's got a great sumnating vibe to it), well, in the end I think the only thing that can be said to exist without contradiction is the moment, itself... what a trip, my laptop monitor just flickered when I wrote that...
Can a concept be immaculate? Can there exist true impeccability? Or is that 'shooting too high'...
I used to admire this drawing, or painting... idk, it was something that was painted on the wall or muralized at this school I went to as a kid. It wasn't even a prominent thing, nor was it in a conspicuous place... but it was really bold...
Of course throughout the years I've seen it repeated in other places, to the point that it's almost lost it's magic to me... but I can't forget it- I think our class had to walk by it on the way to some place in the school every now and then...
"Shoot for the moon; even if you miss, you'll land amongst the stars."
And there was this great elementary picture, like something a kid would paint... but anyways... I feel like I was the only one in our whole line that even saw it, much less gave it any thought... and no joke, I remember thinking to myself 'aren't the stars more awesome than the moon?'
I still think that to this day... a lot of cats shoot for something and it's big and colossal and heavy and everyone's got to look at it, but it's not brilliant... it's not for me. That's not my gig, man lol. It's frickin pale and ugly and plain, and just cuz it's big doesn't change the fact that all it does is reflect other lights' brilliance! Screw that shit- I'd be HONORED to be a star!
Heh, weird how these memories just come out of me, like a sponge bein squeezed or somethin... wonder what the hell I'm soakin up, now, then.
God, the pain of having a brain... why can we not just experience the world as vivid emotions- why must we speculate, ponder, learn and reason? The weight of it all is so painful... How I envy those that can live life earnestly and yet are still able to look back every now and then and realize 'wow, I was just flowing along without a thought or worry'. Do such people exist? Do I envy an impossible idealization?
I've always had my sights set high... all or nothing, or as my dad says, 'go big or go home'. But it's painful to everyone close to you, when you expect so much from them... And how can you be anything more than a hypocrite for doing so? How can you call others out on their weakness- aye, the inherently fallible, imperfect nature of the human soul, itself?
In the end (I like saying that, it's got a great sumnating vibe to it), well, in the end I think the only thing that can be said to exist without contradiction is the moment, itself... what a trip, my laptop monitor just flickered when I wrote that...
Can a concept be immaculate? Can there exist true impeccability? Or is that 'shooting too high'...
I used to admire this drawing, or painting... idk, it was something that was painted on the wall or muralized at this school I went to as a kid. It wasn't even a prominent thing, nor was it in a conspicuous place... but it was really bold...
Of course throughout the years I've seen it repeated in other places, to the point that it's almost lost it's magic to me... but I can't forget it- I think our class had to walk by it on the way to some place in the school every now and then...
"Shoot for the moon; even if you miss, you'll land amongst the stars."
And there was this great elementary picture, like something a kid would paint... but anyways... I feel like I was the only one in our whole line that even saw it, much less gave it any thought... and no joke, I remember thinking to myself 'aren't the stars more awesome than the moon?'
I still think that to this day... a lot of cats shoot for something and it's big and colossal and heavy and everyone's got to look at it, but it's not brilliant... it's not for me. That's not my gig, man lol. It's frickin pale and ugly and plain, and just cuz it's big doesn't change the fact that all it does is reflect other lights' brilliance! Screw that shit- I'd be HONORED to be a star!
Heh, weird how these memories just come out of me, like a sponge bein squeezed or somethin... wonder what the hell I'm soakin up, now, then.
Friday, March 14, 2014
The Day The Music Died
Dark are the days in dinosaur land...
Bowser jackin some Yoshis ain't shit on what the fuck is going down in this shit.
I'm fuckin twisted, my heart is ripped and shredded into so many fuckin pieces...
Everyone has abandoned me... And if they haven't, I've shut the door on them... I don't even feel like that last statement is true, honestly, but I feel like they might see it that way, and sense I respect them, I acknowledge the possibility (probability...) if that makes sense...
I have had this problem since... well it happens when I dex too much but... I'm quickly seeing that it is probably a natural response from my body- a natural reaction... what's the word... Apostosis? aphostosis... apothostis... whatever... it's basically suicide at the molecular level...
Apoptosis...
funny word... lol... but no joke... sometimes I stop breathing... like I'll realize my vision's darkening and things are getting heavy, then i'll suddenly realize it's because I haven't breathed in a while... so i breath in reaaaaally deep, like a prolonged gasp... and from then on I have to purposely breath or else I'll forget, until things get heavy again...
I don't blame my body- I've been terrible... I'm a fucking terrible piece of shit...
And even saying that, I'm fucking furious at what a fucking failure I am...
~~
I'll start with this.
I don't love my father.
I have absolutely no love in my soul for that heartless bastard... he has never shed a god damn tear in his life... okay i admit i've seen him choke up once- but it took my FUCKING SISTER DDDDDDDDYING to FUCKING MAKE IT THROUGH THAT HEARTLESS FUCKING SHROUD OF A GODLESS FUCKFACE NIGGERSHIT SOULLESS CUNTSLAVING MONEYJEWING NIGGERFACE FAGGOT of a failure of a human being he is.
You know why my father is a fucking failure? Because he's always right. ALWAYS. As in, he NEVER owes up to his fucking mistakes. And now that he has all this money, he thinks he's entitled to not having to excuse himself.
Guess what fuckhead. There's a reason our family's in fucking PIECES and it isn't because I tried to fuck my sister- we got over that shit by the time dinosaurs were learning to shit, you assfucking cuntslave wannabe-millionaire.
You were never a fucking father to me. Never. You've been nothing but this cold shell of a human being that I have heroically tried to understand, appreciate, and love but you know what man? I can't fuckin play this shit any more. I'm fuckin tired of this game, you ungrateful little shit. WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU! Where the FUCK where you when I was fifteen years old, crossing the mexican border with a backpack full of potatoes and Castaneda books, and a knife up my sleeve? Where the FUCK where you when I was niggerrigging my ps2 to a cuban cokelord's tv so he could watch porn dvds, doin lines off a mirror while my mom's in the other room givin head to my puerto-rican uncle Elliot (God bless that mother fucker (literally no pun intended); he was more of a father to me than you ever were) just so she could take another hit off his crack pipe.
Yeah, Mr. Rich guy, you piece of shit, where the FUCK where you when I was being emotionally abused and having my personal growth stunted by my dike-ass testosterone-pill-popping Ronni-bitch stepmom? I think the most disgusting and fake shit I have ever done in my life was saying the best man speech at your fucking wedding to that disgusting, money-whoring bitch that you DARED think could EVER replace my beautiful, sweet, tender-hearted mother...
WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU MAN?! 'Oh I was always there, you just never wanted me'
THATS WHAT BEING A MAN IS! It took me this fucking long to realize it, god fucking dammit, but being a FUCKING MAN Is about GOING OUT and DOING SHIT. I faintly recall a time back in Missouri, when you were still somewhat of a man- you had you your fuckin flaws, your anger, but dammit man, you were THERE. You played fucking catch with me man... I wish to God I could look back and remember more times when you did something as simple as throw the fucking ball to your son. Instead of tossing a football, you'd go out so everyone could see you- just once- and show me how to throw and catch a baseball, a frisbee, throw a spiral, etc... but every fuckin time. EVERY fuckin time after that- WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU MAN
no wonder I fuckin love video games. I never had a fuckin father to play shit with. I never had anyone but my harpyass sisters, and even having my purported 'genius level IQ' (which I think you fucks rigged just to excuse the emotional-void left by your fucking negligence as parents) I could never figure out just what the fuck was wrong. You know why? Because I'm an honest mother fucking guy. Honestly fucking ignorant goes along with that unfortunately...
So where were you, old man? Oh I know where. You were there all along- and it's the same place you are now... you were and always will be RIGHT.
That's what you passed on to me- that's your grand fucking legacy. I copied your mannerisms, your witticisms, I idolized you at a subconscious level because I fuckin NEEDED you. Every flick of shit off your table was a feast for the parched, rotted soul of Charlie.
All you have to offer anyone, at this point, is money. Money, and lawsuits. That's all you got. I'm literally twenty minutes from you for HOW MANY months and I call and text you over and over saying we should meet up, we should do something, but I'm like BEGGING you to WANT to spend time with me, and why?
Why the fuck should I need you so fucking much? Why the fuck should I care so much? I can't fucking help it- now that I've realized it, I can start to fuckin heal this gaping wound that I've filled relentlessly with 10 ounces of delsym cough syrup a day for the past, oh, seven years.
Yeah you weren't the only thing to blame for my problems, but not having you there is like walking out the door with one fuckin leg in the mornin- I ain't saying it's gonna be a bad day, but it's not exactly off to a great fuckin start. Sort of like how you WERENT THERE when my sisters pushed my ass down the basement stairs when I was in a walker, bouncing onto the cement floor, fucking up my skull, face, and I don't even wanna think what else... You're just lucky you had military Tricare insurance to pay for that shit, otherwise I probably would've been a fuckin weird lookin shit, but five years of excruciating orthodontics and me not even assuming it's weird, or wondering why, thinking 'oh some kids just need it'.
Yeah- some kids whose dads were never there.
Okay that's pretty dramatic and overplaying it, but seriously, fuck you.
...I once said these following words to my mother, only once in my life, when I was a child... I think I was like ten, or eight... But you know what? I was just testing it out back then. I remember thinking it up one day, and I was just waiting for a chance to deliver it, and since she was the only fuckin person that's ever been there for me in my life no matter what, she just happened to be the first person I could callously use them against. Plus I wanted you to love me so badly I would never think of saying them to you.
But now I'm going to say them to who they should be properly directed against, and in doing so I will fix the universal flux that has had Charles Motowski twisted around backwards his whole life without ever realizing it...
Dad...
I will laugh at your grave.
-your son, from like eighteen years ago just gave me a thumbs up and a sick twisted (but oh so delightful) grin. Right the fuck on Charles.
~~end of best blog the dinosaur dude has ever written (will no longer speak in third person in further blog entries, reserved only for this specific excellent bloggage lol)
~just wanted to add that you don't deserve my mother. she's killed herself over and over repeatedly on the inside, blaming herself, and i've blamed her for no good reason...
i doubt she will ever take you back, so enjoy your office-flirt you cheated on your wife of thirty years with, take HER to a fuckin concert to show her how much you love her... she can KEEP YOUR FUCKIN BLOOD MONEY YOU FUCK. The next time I'm best man at one of your fuckin weddings, it better be to MY MOTHER. MY REAL MOTHER. THE ONLY MOTHER IVE EVER HAD, AND THE BEST FUCKIN MOTHER ON PLANET FUCKIN EARTH
Bowser jackin some Yoshis ain't shit on what the fuck is going down in this shit.
I'm fuckin twisted, my heart is ripped and shredded into so many fuckin pieces...
Everyone has abandoned me... And if they haven't, I've shut the door on them... I don't even feel like that last statement is true, honestly, but I feel like they might see it that way, and sense I respect them, I acknowledge the possibility (probability...) if that makes sense...
I have had this problem since... well it happens when I dex too much but... I'm quickly seeing that it is probably a natural response from my body- a natural reaction... what's the word... Apostosis? aphostosis... apothostis... whatever... it's basically suicide at the molecular level...
Apoptosis...
funny word... lol... but no joke... sometimes I stop breathing... like I'll realize my vision's darkening and things are getting heavy, then i'll suddenly realize it's because I haven't breathed in a while... so i breath in reaaaaally deep, like a prolonged gasp... and from then on I have to purposely breath or else I'll forget, until things get heavy again...
I don't blame my body- I've been terrible... I'm a fucking terrible piece of shit...
And even saying that, I'm fucking furious at what a fucking failure I am...
~~
I'll start with this.
I don't love my father.
I have absolutely no love in my soul for that heartless bastard... he has never shed a god damn tear in his life... okay i admit i've seen him choke up once- but it took my FUCKING SISTER DDDDDDDDYING to FUCKING MAKE IT THROUGH THAT HEARTLESS FUCKING SHROUD OF A GODLESS FUCKFACE NIGGERSHIT SOULLESS CUNTSLAVING MONEYJEWING NIGGERFACE FAGGOT of a failure of a human being he is.
You know why my father is a fucking failure? Because he's always right. ALWAYS. As in, he NEVER owes up to his fucking mistakes. And now that he has all this money, he thinks he's entitled to not having to excuse himself.
Guess what fuckhead. There's a reason our family's in fucking PIECES and it isn't because I tried to fuck my sister- we got over that shit by the time dinosaurs were learning to shit, you assfucking cuntslave wannabe-millionaire.
You were never a fucking father to me. Never. You've been nothing but this cold shell of a human being that I have heroically tried to understand, appreciate, and love but you know what man? I can't fuckin play this shit any more. I'm fuckin tired of this game, you ungrateful little shit. WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU! Where the FUCK where you when I was fifteen years old, crossing the mexican border with a backpack full of potatoes and Castaneda books, and a knife up my sleeve? Where the FUCK where you when I was niggerrigging my ps2 to a cuban cokelord's tv so he could watch porn dvds, doin lines off a mirror while my mom's in the other room givin head to my puerto-rican uncle Elliot (God bless that mother fucker (literally no pun intended); he was more of a father to me than you ever were) just so she could take another hit off his crack pipe.
Yeah, Mr. Rich guy, you piece of shit, where the FUCK where you when I was being emotionally abused and having my personal growth stunted by my dike-ass testosterone-pill-popping Ronni-bitch stepmom? I think the most disgusting and fake shit I have ever done in my life was saying the best man speech at your fucking wedding to that disgusting, money-whoring bitch that you DARED think could EVER replace my beautiful, sweet, tender-hearted mother...
WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU MAN?! 'Oh I was always there, you just never wanted me'
THATS WHAT BEING A MAN IS! It took me this fucking long to realize it, god fucking dammit, but being a FUCKING MAN Is about GOING OUT and DOING SHIT. I faintly recall a time back in Missouri, when you were still somewhat of a man- you had you your fuckin flaws, your anger, but dammit man, you were THERE. You played fucking catch with me man... I wish to God I could look back and remember more times when you did something as simple as throw the fucking ball to your son. Instead of tossing a football, you'd go out so everyone could see you- just once- and show me how to throw and catch a baseball, a frisbee, throw a spiral, etc... but every fuckin time. EVERY fuckin time after that- WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU MAN
no wonder I fuckin love video games. I never had a fuckin father to play shit with. I never had anyone but my harpyass sisters, and even having my purported 'genius level IQ' (which I think you fucks rigged just to excuse the emotional-void left by your fucking negligence as parents) I could never figure out just what the fuck was wrong. You know why? Because I'm an honest mother fucking guy. Honestly fucking ignorant goes along with that unfortunately...
So where were you, old man? Oh I know where. You were there all along- and it's the same place you are now... you were and always will be RIGHT.
That's what you passed on to me- that's your grand fucking legacy. I copied your mannerisms, your witticisms, I idolized you at a subconscious level because I fuckin NEEDED you. Every flick of shit off your table was a feast for the parched, rotted soul of Charlie.
All you have to offer anyone, at this point, is money. Money, and lawsuits. That's all you got. I'm literally twenty minutes from you for HOW MANY months and I call and text you over and over saying we should meet up, we should do something, but I'm like BEGGING you to WANT to spend time with me, and why?
Why the fuck should I need you so fucking much? Why the fuck should I care so much? I can't fucking help it- now that I've realized it, I can start to fuckin heal this gaping wound that I've filled relentlessly with 10 ounces of delsym cough syrup a day for the past, oh, seven years.
Yeah you weren't the only thing to blame for my problems, but not having you there is like walking out the door with one fuckin leg in the mornin- I ain't saying it's gonna be a bad day, but it's not exactly off to a great fuckin start. Sort of like how you WERENT THERE when my sisters pushed my ass down the basement stairs when I was in a walker, bouncing onto the cement floor, fucking up my skull, face, and I don't even wanna think what else... You're just lucky you had military Tricare insurance to pay for that shit, otherwise I probably would've been a fuckin weird lookin shit, but five years of excruciating orthodontics and me not even assuming it's weird, or wondering why, thinking 'oh some kids just need it'.
Yeah- some kids whose dads were never there.
Okay that's pretty dramatic and overplaying it, but seriously, fuck you.
...I once said these following words to my mother, only once in my life, when I was a child... I think I was like ten, or eight... But you know what? I was just testing it out back then. I remember thinking it up one day, and I was just waiting for a chance to deliver it, and since she was the only fuckin person that's ever been there for me in my life no matter what, she just happened to be the first person I could callously use them against. Plus I wanted you to love me so badly I would never think of saying them to you.
But now I'm going to say them to who they should be properly directed against, and in doing so I will fix the universal flux that has had Charles Motowski twisted around backwards his whole life without ever realizing it...
Dad...
I will laugh at your grave.
-your son, from like eighteen years ago just gave me a thumbs up and a sick twisted (but oh so delightful) grin. Right the fuck on Charles.
~~end of best blog the dinosaur dude has ever written (will no longer speak in third person in further blog entries, reserved only for this specific excellent bloggage lol)
~just wanted to add that you don't deserve my mother. she's killed herself over and over repeatedly on the inside, blaming herself, and i've blamed her for no good reason...
i doubt she will ever take you back, so enjoy your office-flirt you cheated on your wife of thirty years with, take HER to a fuckin concert to show her how much you love her... she can KEEP YOUR FUCKIN BLOOD MONEY YOU FUCK. The next time I'm best man at one of your fuckin weddings, it better be to MY MOTHER. MY REAL MOTHER. THE ONLY MOTHER IVE EVER HAD, AND THE BEST FUCKIN MOTHER ON PLANET FUCKIN EARTH
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Robert Tussin
I am in so much emotional pain, I can't remember the feeling of certainty... My heart is ripped open into unimaginable levels... words do no justice for the pain and darkness that washes across my crumbling soul...
God I can't believe this shit has happened to my family... when I think about my sister's child, who is six, now... and she will never have known her mother's kind and caring face... and her father's in prison...
And here I am being a piece of shit in the fuckin corner, doing fuckin nothing. All I can do is my college classes but god damn, does it not just make you want to toss it all into the sea...
I don't know what's gonna happen... I don't know...
But I'm not gonna carry this thorn in my palm any longer... I've given so much time to 'let it work itself out' and all it has done is settle itself in nice and tight. I ain't gonna nuke this shit, or grenade it- it's strictly headshots from here on out. Clean and quick, I'm done fuckin around.
Fuck you, Robert Tussin
God I can't believe this shit has happened to my family... when I think about my sister's child, who is six, now... and she will never have known her mother's kind and caring face... and her father's in prison...
And here I am being a piece of shit in the fuckin corner, doing fuckin nothing. All I can do is my college classes but god damn, does it not just make you want to toss it all into the sea...
I don't know what's gonna happen... I don't know...
But I'm not gonna carry this thorn in my palm any longer... I've given so much time to 'let it work itself out' and all it has done is settle itself in nice and tight. I ain't gonna nuke this shit, or grenade it- it's strictly headshots from here on out. Clean and quick, I'm done fuckin around.
Fuck you, Robert Tussin
Jaylinn Motowski~
A crazy thing has occurred... I'm suddenly... MAN I feel like a DAD!
I know, weird shiz.. but I can't stop daydreaming about little kids and all our explosive dialogue...
I feel really bad for my cousin, Jaylinn... Idk, I just got started thinking about it... how, I could be a father and... man... I pray that I can experience that joy, someday... of raising a child, and showering him/her with ceaseless love~
I know, weird shiz.. but I can't stop daydreaming about little kids and all our explosive dialogue...
I feel really bad for my cousin, Jaylinn... Idk, I just got started thinking about it... how, I could be a father and... man... I pray that I can experience that joy, someday... of raising a child, and showering him/her with ceaseless love~
Monday, March 10, 2014
Circular Logic
Logic, itself, is circular; always starting from the same point which it always returns to. One could argue that it 'never truly leaves, then', however, we would be ignoring the insights and alternatives gained through its progression. And theory of relativity itself would cooberate Therefor Logic, itself, is spatial, and is under the sovereignty of the laws of Physics. Meaning it has relative mass, density, gravity, etc.
Monday, March 3, 2014
Heroin Manson
Inversion or Reflection
I'm glad I'm me
Ain't you?
It's crazy- but it's true
As my sight has gotten worse
I'm better,
glad,
imbursed;
the rest is all
disbursed
to the
rehearsed
fad
I'm glad I'm me
Ain't you?
It's crazy- but it's true
As my sight has gotten worse
I'm better,
glad,
imbursed;
the rest is all
disbursed
to the
rehearsed
fad
Been a Long time Been a long Lonely lonely lonely lonely time~
I don't think I'll ever be excessively wealthy or dirt-beggin poor...
I'm just a dinosaur...
Nothing less, nothing more...
I'm just a dinosaur...
Nothing less, nothing more...
Sunday, January 26, 2014
lots of buts
Yeah I ain't blogged in a while...
Been on the DL~ nyugga~
Started my second year at Yavapai Community College- already off to an awesome start, heck yeah~!
Man, I feel terrible being such a jew, but honestly I can't wait to get this financial aid... it should hit my account sometime tomorrow. Hell it shoulda gone in on Friday but God knows the fuckin banks take fifty years to deposit shit; the moment you go over your balance or spend money, though, they're on you like fags at a rave.
I've just been drinking... drinking and drinking... been in a constant drunk for a while, now. I don't even care about anything else, I'm just waiting for my friggin lifeline to come in- my friggin money...
It's pretty sad that I've become like this. But it ain't like I'm living at mommy-and-daddy's house anymore, and can sit around and play video games all day, or go on the mountain and trip, or go drink with friends in the woods, or at their pad... I don't know what I've lost over the years but, I feel like I'm caught up in something heavy, something with momentum... I used to espouse the benefits of being weightless and free, having nothing... but with that sporadic lifestyle comes a cost...
Hell everything comes with a cost.
Even the way I live right now, has a cost. That's what I'm bitchin about, I guess. heh...
hmmm
Got thinkin on a weird train of thought...
Ya know I've kind of... I don't know what it is, but things just don't affect me as much anymore... I mean I still cry and get angry and all that shit, but...
It's probably because this is the most stable I've been in a long time. Ever since leaving home, pretty much. It's nice to not have to worry about the things I did before, I suppose.
I still don't... arrrr what the hell, I'm just being a dildo.
I watched Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows, part II today. I've seen it before but it was cool seein it again- God I can't stand but think of how I would have written things differently though, whenever I watch those movies. Luna Lovegood is so fuckin hot, swear to God I wouldn't need a Firebolt to snatch that golden snitch~ ohhhhh
...her name's fuckin LOVEGOOD. and damn, that ass in them pants... mmmmmhmmm. badonkadonka~ tinker toy? hell no, play with my Tonka~ ohhhhhh
that said I'll kill anyone who thinks they're a rapper or feels they 'should pursue a rapping career'... can I just tattoo 'cancer' on your forehead right fuckin now man?
Hell, I'll go work on my video game... I'm working more on it lately than I have in months, which still isn't saying shit.
...
I don't know if I'm gonna continue with my current living situation though. I really don't... I guess I'll know when I get that money... see what horizons I can see from there.
I'll probly blog later, or tomorrow... sometime soon. I'm bored as fuck... ironically, it seems the more hours of boredom you accrue the more moments of inspiration you have... it's a disgusting tradeoff though... don't know if it's worth it...
Been on the DL~ nyugga~
Started my second year at Yavapai Community College- already off to an awesome start, heck yeah~!
Man, I feel terrible being such a jew, but honestly I can't wait to get this financial aid... it should hit my account sometime tomorrow. Hell it shoulda gone in on Friday but God knows the fuckin banks take fifty years to deposit shit; the moment you go over your balance or spend money, though, they're on you like fags at a rave.
I've just been drinking... drinking and drinking... been in a constant drunk for a while, now. I don't even care about anything else, I'm just waiting for my friggin lifeline to come in- my friggin money...
It's pretty sad that I've become like this. But it ain't like I'm living at mommy-and-daddy's house anymore, and can sit around and play video games all day, or go on the mountain and trip, or go drink with friends in the woods, or at their pad... I don't know what I've lost over the years but, I feel like I'm caught up in something heavy, something with momentum... I used to espouse the benefits of being weightless and free, having nothing... but with that sporadic lifestyle comes a cost...
Hell everything comes with a cost.
Even the way I live right now, has a cost. That's what I'm bitchin about, I guess. heh...
hmmm
Got thinkin on a weird train of thought...
Ya know I've kind of... I don't know what it is, but things just don't affect me as much anymore... I mean I still cry and get angry and all that shit, but...
It's probably because this is the most stable I've been in a long time. Ever since leaving home, pretty much. It's nice to not have to worry about the things I did before, I suppose.
I still don't... arrrr what the hell, I'm just being a dildo.
I watched Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows, part II today. I've seen it before but it was cool seein it again- God I can't stand but think of how I would have written things differently though, whenever I watch those movies. Luna Lovegood is so fuckin hot, swear to God I wouldn't need a Firebolt to snatch that golden snitch~ ohhhhh
...her name's fuckin LOVEGOOD. and damn, that ass in them pants... mmmmmhmmm. badonkadonka~ tinker toy? hell no, play with my Tonka~ ohhhhhh
that said I'll kill anyone who thinks they're a rapper or feels they 'should pursue a rapping career'... can I just tattoo 'cancer' on your forehead right fuckin now man?
Hell, I'll go work on my video game... I'm working more on it lately than I have in months, which still isn't saying shit.
...
I don't know if I'm gonna continue with my current living situation though. I really don't... I guess I'll know when I get that money... see what horizons I can see from there.
I'll probly blog later, or tomorrow... sometime soon. I'm bored as fuck... ironically, it seems the more hours of boredom you accrue the more moments of inspiration you have... it's a disgusting tradeoff though... don't know if it's worth it...
Sunday, January 12, 2014
No excuse, now...
I am gonna be going to school this semester, after all!
I can't believe it... I've been through it time and time again but it always surprises me somehow... Whenever I'm about to throw it all away and just say 'fuck it' and pull the friggin trigger, this world pulls some crazy excuse out of its ass for me to take just another step... and that one step is all it ever takes to make me keep movin forward...
I should be happy, I know... but a part of me is a bit... disappointed; I feel like I'm starting to get complacent with this world... isn't that terrible? How cocky, and arrogant of me, right? But it doesn't matter if it's right or wrong, that's how it is.
I feel like... well. Fuck... I honestly don't know how I make it through each friggin day. I keep telling myself 'just one more'... or, 'just say 'fuck it' and go full-throttle, fuck what consequences arise tomorrow because of today's bullshit'. Then tomorrow comes, and it's the same damn shit. How is it possible, I ask myself... How can a man stare the universe straight in the eye every damn day and not get tore the fuck up?
That's the problem with seeing things a certain way, and thus, mankind's inherent flaw... It don't matter what you see right now or what you learn right now, or whatever; whatever you see is just 1% of what's out there, and it takes all we can just to bring that shit into focus. Meanwhile there's a whole fuckin sea just waitin out there, constantly changing, so no matter how much you look at it, it don't mean a god damn thing. Everything changes just as you think you're getting to get the hang of it. Ride whatever wave you damn well please, it don't matter. As much as you eat, you shit out your ass the next damn moment. Ain't nothing permanent, ain't nothing solid... everything is as blind as it is all-seeing, dammit. Even this seemingly pertinent sentiment I am expressing is as inherently invalidating and flawed as the shit it's trying to disprove.
But hey, I'll play along with the game... That's why we're here, ain't it? Whether it's worth anything or not, we're here for the long haul...
Might as well die and get it over with, that's how I feel on my dark days...
On my bright days... cuz, God, ain't it as bright as the night is dark, other times? Man, I am so grateful for those reprieves from the cold and empty lifeless black of the void... Love is such a powerful feeling... the greatest of synergies we can partake... at least, the best I've ever known hahah. The union of two souls... two desolate, lonely comets somehow paralleling in their flight through the sometimes cruel, cutting, carnivorous cosmos... somehow seemingly bending that inescapable duality like birds on the wing defying the ever-present, ever-pushing force of gravity...
For what is man's finest moment, if not that which defies all of which we seemingly are? Like our very sentience that mocks the seemingly mindless flocks of creatures from whence we seemingly crawled...
Someday, I pray, our own sons and daughters will champion even us... that they may 'but level that lift to pass and continue beyond...'
(Walt Whitman, mah nyugga)
I can't believe it... I've been through it time and time again but it always surprises me somehow... Whenever I'm about to throw it all away and just say 'fuck it' and pull the friggin trigger, this world pulls some crazy excuse out of its ass for me to take just another step... and that one step is all it ever takes to make me keep movin forward...
I should be happy, I know... but a part of me is a bit... disappointed; I feel like I'm starting to get complacent with this world... isn't that terrible? How cocky, and arrogant of me, right? But it doesn't matter if it's right or wrong, that's how it is.
I feel like... well. Fuck... I honestly don't know how I make it through each friggin day. I keep telling myself 'just one more'... or, 'just say 'fuck it' and go full-throttle, fuck what consequences arise tomorrow because of today's bullshit'. Then tomorrow comes, and it's the same damn shit. How is it possible, I ask myself... How can a man stare the universe straight in the eye every damn day and not get tore the fuck up?
That's the problem with seeing things a certain way, and thus, mankind's inherent flaw... It don't matter what you see right now or what you learn right now, or whatever; whatever you see is just 1% of what's out there, and it takes all we can just to bring that shit into focus. Meanwhile there's a whole fuckin sea just waitin out there, constantly changing, so no matter how much you look at it, it don't mean a god damn thing. Everything changes just as you think you're getting to get the hang of it. Ride whatever wave you damn well please, it don't matter. As much as you eat, you shit out your ass the next damn moment. Ain't nothing permanent, ain't nothing solid... everything is as blind as it is all-seeing, dammit. Even this seemingly pertinent sentiment I am expressing is as inherently invalidating and flawed as the shit it's trying to disprove.
But hey, I'll play along with the game... That's why we're here, ain't it? Whether it's worth anything or not, we're here for the long haul...
Might as well die and get it over with, that's how I feel on my dark days...
On my bright days... cuz, God, ain't it as bright as the night is dark, other times? Man, I am so grateful for those reprieves from the cold and empty lifeless black of the void... Love is such a powerful feeling... the greatest of synergies we can partake... at least, the best I've ever known hahah. The union of two souls... two desolate, lonely comets somehow paralleling in their flight through the sometimes cruel, cutting, carnivorous cosmos... somehow seemingly bending that inescapable duality like birds on the wing defying the ever-present, ever-pushing force of gravity...
For what is man's finest moment, if not that which defies all of which we seemingly are? Like our very sentience that mocks the seemingly mindless flocks of creatures from whence we seemingly crawled...
Someday, I pray, our own sons and daughters will champion even us... that they may 'but level that lift to pass and continue beyond...'
(Walt Whitman, mah nyugga)
Friday, January 3, 2014
A short time to be there~
Well, I've really done it this time.
I'm once again in deep shit with the school. This time it's even worse than... ever.
Now I'm on academic suspension- unable to even get financial aid or loans. If I wanna go back to school I'm gonna have to pay the exorbant fees out of my own pocket; this is impossible. I simply don't have the willpower or inner strength to do something crazy like work while going to school... hell I could barely make it through the semester with thousands of dollars in loans, how the hell can I pull it off with twice the stress?
Besides, with my botched work history, criminal record, and poor credit rating, it'd be near impossible for me to get a job, as it is.
What's ridiculous is that my old man has been paying over a dozen grand a year for my spoiled bitch little sister to go to a University, yet it'd be gregarious for me to ask him for a mere grand to go to school and fix shit for just ONE semester. Even accumulating the small things he's helped me with over the years, it'd add up to less than four grand.
It's because him and my mom are going through a divorce right now, and she's trying to stiff him for 3 grand a month. So because of that, he probably is going to have to cut my little sister off from support as it is. In other words, right now is the worst possible time for me to ask him for help. And it's when I need it more than ever...
I could probably go to the DES and get 160, 200 in foodstamps before I go back to class this semester, since I'm technically no longer a student, then ask him for 1.5 grand and pay my tuition and buy whatever books I need. I think I got a hookup for a place to live, at least, they'll let me stay so long as I play it straight and am going to class, and help out around the house. That's the ONLY way I could see it working out. And that's only IF my dad agrees to help me out... I'm FUCKED otherwise.
Of course, I'm submitting an appeal based on the fact my folks were going through a divorce and my landlord evicted everyone from my apartments mid-semester. But it's a long shot because it's my second appeal. I'm also looking into this other college, thinking I might have a chance for a fresh start somewhere else.
Things are looking grim. I'm quickly slipping into this 'fuck it' mentality... it's hard not to. I honestly just wish it would all end- the perpetual game of up-and-down, love and hate, good and bad, etc... It's all bullshit to me. I'm not like everyone else. I've never been like anyone else. I'm not content with this universe... I've never been content. It's never been enough... nothing's ever been just 'right' in my head. I've always been contemptuous of this world and the times we live in... I thought I could be the one to change things, to usher in a new age of thought in our society, our generation and the generations to follow. All I've ever wanted from the depths of my soul is to change this world, to guide it down a more righteous path... to cut the cancer from this world and spread the love and hope that I've desperately been lacking and yearned for my entire life...
In the end I guess I lacked the momentum, and the strength/resolve to 'push it farther'. I've been coasting endlessly for so long, just hoping the wind would blow me the right way, calling that my 'trust in God' and the universe... praying that pure intentions alone were good enough.
In the end, this little light wanted only to grow brighter, but maybe the wind was too strong or there wasn't enough air to fuel that flame... or maybe that wick just wasn't as long as I thought. However it came to be, this light's gone out, and it's just a matter of precious too-little time before the last smokey shred of heat dissipates in the dark wind, forgotten, forever.
Thank God.
I'm once again in deep shit with the school. This time it's even worse than... ever.
Now I'm on academic suspension- unable to even get financial aid or loans. If I wanna go back to school I'm gonna have to pay the exorbant fees out of my own pocket; this is impossible. I simply don't have the willpower or inner strength to do something crazy like work while going to school... hell I could barely make it through the semester with thousands of dollars in loans, how the hell can I pull it off with twice the stress?
Besides, with my botched work history, criminal record, and poor credit rating, it'd be near impossible for me to get a job, as it is.
What's ridiculous is that my old man has been paying over a dozen grand a year for my spoiled bitch little sister to go to a University, yet it'd be gregarious for me to ask him for a mere grand to go to school and fix shit for just ONE semester. Even accumulating the small things he's helped me with over the years, it'd add up to less than four grand.
It's because him and my mom are going through a divorce right now, and she's trying to stiff him for 3 grand a month. So because of that, he probably is going to have to cut my little sister off from support as it is. In other words, right now is the worst possible time for me to ask him for help. And it's when I need it more than ever...
I could probably go to the DES and get 160, 200 in foodstamps before I go back to class this semester, since I'm technically no longer a student, then ask him for 1.5 grand and pay my tuition and buy whatever books I need. I think I got a hookup for a place to live, at least, they'll let me stay so long as I play it straight and am going to class, and help out around the house. That's the ONLY way I could see it working out. And that's only IF my dad agrees to help me out... I'm FUCKED otherwise.
Of course, I'm submitting an appeal based on the fact my folks were going through a divorce and my landlord evicted everyone from my apartments mid-semester. But it's a long shot because it's my second appeal. I'm also looking into this other college, thinking I might have a chance for a fresh start somewhere else.
Things are looking grim. I'm quickly slipping into this 'fuck it' mentality... it's hard not to. I honestly just wish it would all end- the perpetual game of up-and-down, love and hate, good and bad, etc... It's all bullshit to me. I'm not like everyone else. I've never been like anyone else. I'm not content with this universe... I've never been content. It's never been enough... nothing's ever been just 'right' in my head. I've always been contemptuous of this world and the times we live in... I thought I could be the one to change things, to usher in a new age of thought in our society, our generation and the generations to follow. All I've ever wanted from the depths of my soul is to change this world, to guide it down a more righteous path... to cut the cancer from this world and spread the love and hope that I've desperately been lacking and yearned for my entire life...
In the end I guess I lacked the momentum, and the strength/resolve to 'push it farther'. I've been coasting endlessly for so long, just hoping the wind would blow me the right way, calling that my 'trust in God' and the universe... praying that pure intentions alone were good enough.
In the end, this little light wanted only to grow brighter, but maybe the wind was too strong or there wasn't enough air to fuel that flame... or maybe that wick just wasn't as long as I thought. However it came to be, this light's gone out, and it's just a matter of precious too-little time before the last smokey shred of heat dissipates in the dark wind, forgotten, forever.
Thank God.
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