My waterfall

I was always taught that boy meets girl... fall in love, get married, and forget the world- 9 months later, sweet baby on the way- kiss him on the cheek, and life's OK!

I don't feel NO PAIN
I don't have NO TIME!

Man can I relate.  I really love this person but.. I just wonder, what kind of life will my kids have?

I shouldn't be one to wonder- I never had a father for most of my life, or a mother.  Shit's always been fucked up, and yet here I am with all these values and expectations.  So if a cat like me can exist lol then surely even kids raised in a non-linear household should still be able to be brought up right... ya know, all I think that matters is the amount of love they receive; regardless of the source, or 'gender identity' (which is quickly crumbling anyways, in today's society) then that's all that matters.

As long as they are brought up with love and acceptance, that's all that matters...

That's what I want to believe, but damn... it's still so hard for me to accept something like that...

I wish I could talk to someone about it... or a couple people, about it...

I always follow my heart but the odd thing is... my heart is leading me... well it's really weird lol. fuck!

Garrr why couldn't I have just had a simple life... momma pajama.

And the river keep a talkin

Im workin my tail off... chippin up rocks for the great highway ^_^

alright seriously i gotta do some homework. peaceage~!

small light... stolen angel's singing voices

I'm losing it...

I'm letting everything slip through my hands... my dreams... everything...

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me... why am I so scared of success? Why do I keep putting myself down and beating myself up... I just wish I had someone to help me back to my feet or to cheer me on... but everyone's on the 'other' side, just wishing me bad luck...

I'm getting used and stomped on and treated like shit... it's like there's no fuckin light inside me anymore... I've just lost the fuckin will, man...

I need to get some good sleep tonight... I got steaks and salad- tomorrow's the biology field trip. We meet early, I believe... shoot.. Yeah that's right, we're going to Thumb Butte...

I'm such a wreck... I wish someone... anyone... would tell me they love me, or care... it's been so long, it feels, since I've known any true friendship or love... at least I have my good neighbors and buddies Andy, and Jeremy...

There's such an aching chasm in my chest where my soul used to be... I just want to cry but I don't have the fuckin strength or consternation for that even...

it's a good night

I was so tired... but these cats outside albertsons needed sleep and I was in a good mood... so I lent then my place for the night... we're all sleeping with the heat turned up lol.


ahhh it's a good thing! i love people coming together to help each other! fuck yeah!

Beecham

Man...

I went to this author reading thing and all..

I only stayed for half of it, though...

It's crazy how - well let's just say people older than us, unless seriously mentally ill, will always have the upper hand.

And yet.

I feel bad for my Honors English teacher... I can tell she has a ton of pent-up energy... maybe it would take a sophisticated man like me to be able to diffuse that... hmmm.

I just feel bad, that there has to be this gap between teacher and student...

Well, one thing's for sure.. she's hot as FUKK.

...such awesome hips, man... garrrrr

alright, well, anyways...

I've been playing the SHIT out of Legend of Zelda: Link to the Past. I'm at the last dungeon... man... my least favorite dungeon, no friggin joke;  Turtle Rock, I believe it's called...

Fuck it. I'm gonna tear the shit out of it. I wanna play Secret of Mana... never actually played/ beat that game... just got my shit leveled up a bunch and got like all four tools/ weapons, I think...

yeah definitely on my replay list.

damn... she's so fuckin hot.

~FIN~

evil incarnate

Finally kicked my evil delusional roommate out.
He still has a key though so I have to replace the lock on the door =/

While I was out school today he or someone else came in and stole my fan... friggin douchebags.

I just gotta concentrate on school... screw this crap.

Getting some sleep, staying straight and eating really good.

There's this cat that lives in the entryway to my apartment, i've been taking care of it. I might have it move in inside with me when it gets colder if the neighbors dont take care of it properly (it's supposed to be their cat).

I've been feeding it steak and cheese and water. And I put some stuff out for it to sleep n cuddle in if it gets too cold... =)

Ir's true what they say- those that have been hurt most are the ones who can see pain in others the best... I love that little kitty. I'll take care of it... I'd be happy knowing it was safe n warm n loved... hopefully someday, someone will care the same about me.

TIL THEN IM DOING WHAT I CAN TER GET RICH garrrr

^_^ much love~

Jurassic Park

sometimes you gotta go to the extremes to know what the hell you're really all about.

And even then, when you reach that point, you will find yourself amazed...

We can be in any mental state.; however, there exists a flow that is truly untameable...

We can alter the course of that flow with dit and exercise. It's becoming increasingly hard nowadays, though... the corporations that have been blastin their balls into our barely breathing

Maybe I shoulda been born a blind man... shit, then I'd appreciate the shit outta everything... well, ya say that, but it's human nature to... idk, there shouldn't be any incurable diseases or unreachable stars....

I'll never let go of that sentiment... no matter what this world dries, fries, lies, cries out of me, I won't 'give up the ghost' like BuzzBuzz in EarthBound. Think of how more badass the whole game would've been with BuzzBuzz....

I guess that's like one of the points where a game designer has to make a decision... then again who knows what those guys were thinking... i'd love to hang out with the old HAL/ Ape cats. Shoot, any of those old developing cats ya know xD

It'd be an inspiration ^_^

Verbatum... Ultimatum... (heavy stuff)

I haven't blogged recently, but my soul yearns for some release...

Man. It sucks... My roommate is still here... I keep telling myself things will be better when he's gone but I think I really just need to improve shit NOW. 

I need to do like I learned in rehab, and make some freakin goals lol. God that sounds terrible but the practical applications of efficient shit like that are really what makes life better. No matter where you learn it from.

So.... goals for this semester... well first I should put my foremost goal-
To obtain this degree in Video Game Design.

There's only one thing hanging over my head, and it's this as-of-yet unresolved phantom of my past that lurks, waiting with bated breath, for the slightest opening... it's from back before I had my shit relatively together...

I've been contemplating if I should invest in maybe a group again, not necessarily for substance abuse but for possibly depression/anxiety. I really really really digg everything that The Guidance Center in Flagstaff offered me and helped me with- they didn't pull me from the darkness, but they gave me the flint and tinder needed to make my own light, ya know? That's fuckin true righteousness, right there man ^_^

Alas I didn't take care of the formalities the court required, although I went above and beyond their expectations. Dammit, I should have never left it in someone else's hands- I should have personally ensured that the required documentation was processed... now I'm lookin at the axe just because of that... and what's sadly ironic is that I have done more than just turn my life around- I've already taken massive steps in this new direction... garrr... I wish I could just request a personal conference with a judge or something, and talk to him in earnest about my situation, and what I can do to right the wrongs of my past... I mean I already know in my heart that once I get any sort of appreciable income, I'll make damn sure that those that helped me rise from this mess are payed back in full... I actually always thought it would be cool if I could, like, train secret shoppers or something... take what I learned and use it for the greater good.  I've always wanted to work for the government, but... I really just want to improve the standards of our government and society. If I can influence people, through video games, to be aware of things that will enlighten them as to that path's brilliance, then hell yeah~

On the negative, you could say I intend to brainwash the masses via video games, to my own agenda. On the positive, you could say I intend to sharpen the edge of those blades already set to slice through the darkness of this world.

*sigh* I can't believe it's this hard, just to get a decent income and raise a family....

Well, hell, wasn't I like, talking about goals, to begin with..? sodena...

~~

So, my goals this semester are to get As in all my classes, and clear my legal status.

God, you cannot imagine the heaviness of that weight bearing over me... I suppose I should be grateful- it's good training for later in life, when there will be other, more painful things bearing down on me. Sort of like how my stepmom 'trained' me to deal with people of malicious, evil intent.

~~~

Amidst this darkness, though, I confess... a light has shined, err, shone. Weird friggin word...

But hark-! my nigga ass came up with some poetry today! chyeah!

And for reals, for the first time in a while I can say I actually dugg it lol.

Alas, it is in my locker... heh. Ahh well.

Well, off to do some shit! Just thinking about making goals and stuff made me aware of a couple things I can do right now... like order a debit card, and check on my clan on Samurai of Legend... yes those links on my blog are righteous- one need only click on them to sign up (with me as the referrer) and they will play the best Samurai-themed text-based MMORPG ever constructed!

ROCK ON!

poodle newdles at newn.

Man I gotta say... i'm in love with life right now; it's not every day you can label your enemies as elders, and see the wisdom in their lies.

sadness pervades the effluence

Man, when Chad threw Inoue through the barrier... damn, that's badass broskies~

I like Bleach... it's got its quirks but I'm so intrigued by the scope of the plot and the character development lol it's all good.

Shit... things feel so much heavier right now... doesn't it always feel like that? I think there's like some kinda crud that we're all building up and it just accumulates, due to the nature of the food we eat and the overall mentality of the world today.

That gradual accrual is what culminates, ultimately, to your death..? Maybe. It's easy to turn askew and say hey, I'm doing my best, that's all that matters; but its not.

I want to be able to believe in this society but so far I've seen people older than me making stupidass decisions lol. There's way too heavy of penalties for shit in courts and on the streets these days... it's bullshit.  The man is clampin down on us without any hesitation, yet we must express (repressed) our frustration... just to make a point, to these mother fuckers... take a year off campaigning and go camping.

I don't know what it is, but I feel like I'm taking it too easy. I'm in this carefree, beach-winds in my face mindset and... yet I have come here to increase my vigor. So wtf Gaara daaaaamn.

I am so free

I want you all to realize that... right now. That regardless of what we were in the past-sense... regardless of what we did already... we can still be friends... I pray you have the courage and the enlightenment to obtain what I have already

Ron Burgendy reporting...

...So, I figured out a bunch of shit and it all escapes me just now... how terrible is that... perhaps I can use my computer skills to help me out. 

This is an exercivse to improve my motivr Motivation in the freakin wrists and fingers that I place most of my life's work into... somethin like that, obviously..!

Death is an inescapable solution to life's problems...

Fear it not, for it tends to lead you in the right direction, anyways. =)

I cannot speak for all the stars... then again, who can..? Mars..?

The closest truth is observation...

Though it belies our true destination...

Nothing comforting is gained

From singing, compound, in the rain

Give it up, and you'll forgive

About the 3-month thought-out shiv

The thought of which degrates and baits

The mind of which you still can't fig-

...you're our of pleasantries- placation

No place to hide; no 'magination...

Heroin Ford

I have to say... my Good God...

There is much to say...
From the rankist tomes of my heart- begin
No precipitation- no, this nation need not... fear again

Though my voice seems hollow and my words are shallow
Still until your savior appears..,

I shall carry on, with tears
Though I slay- in true misery, I...
Cannot fly through these years...
Shadowing, flowering sky...

No need to seek
Resolution
Through pollution

Find a way
To escape
All the lame

Worlds and beautiful
Magnificent skies...
That- casual-
Look me in the eye

I love you the most
Though I oft deny
Won't you fall
Into the bloss'ming sky~

Diaries Dance and Diaries Die

I have always wanted to contribute to the science and medical fields... along my journey through life, my focus has been honed to a few key ideals I am passionate about; for starters, I want to wean this world off the Earth's teat- there's no reason we should be relying on fossil fuels anymore (hell we should never have shamelessly invested in such an obviously limited, double-edged resource to begin with). Electricity, itself, needs to become the new standard energetic currency... it is energy in its most currently utilizable form... the fact that we are so blind to this simple notion... it reminds me of the initial stages of the digital revolution, whence our reliance on paper media lessened gradually and silently. I can only hope that the sheep are so easily guided into the next pasture...

 People- we have had the capability for fully-electric automobiles since before the seventies. The seeds were planted with Tesla, although Edison and eventually the oil industry sprinkled much salt on that earth. It is necessary for us to harmoniously utilize the natural forces of the cosmos if we are to ever succeed in finding harmony amongst ourselves... put faith in the cosmos... there are natural materials (conductive metals) that, when condensed into natural shapes (toroidal induction) act as a loudspeaker for energy, so-to-speak... it's not magic, it's just recognizing how things work and using them to your advantage... electricity can essentially be multiplied in these environments, that is all. And it is possible to replicate these 'environments', in, say, an area the size of the hood of your car... Oh gosh dolly, I sure hope the oil industry is ok with that though. Wouldn't want tobacco to lose profit if we legalized marijuana, either. But you know me- I'm just Charles Motowski.

For seconds, there's the biological threat we all face from the pharmaceutical (more like harming-pseudo-cal) industry. If you are unaware of it at this time, I will enlighten you with the fact that behavioral health is an industry... It coincides with the war on mass-retailed organics that has a substantial portion of the populace's attention, actually; attrition has oft been an overlooked al beit fundamental concept of war- to weaken one's opponent by tainting or cutting off their sustenance altogether is not a foreign concept lol. Saber in the side technique for sure...

Friggin steven spielberg man

I should probably be happy... I should probably be  content.

Truth is, I'm really burned out today...

I tell myself things will be better, if.... if... if only ever is, if just that.

Aye, I be lazy today.  Don't really digg the vibes... a heaviness permeates the otherwise innocuously inviting air.  I know what it is that weighs me down with such crushing finality.... aye, ghosts of my past, made corporeal.

I feel no pain, no hurt... just this emotionless dissonance....

I think I'll go brush my teeth. 

I almost dated this chick but got rejected on our first outing.  I hate the feeling of someone using you as a stepping stone... there is no true companionship but that of the particles we ingest... and that in itself is only a passing, like water splashed on drying linens, tossed so coldly in the wind...

I cannot find the words to... hmmm... i should be happier... it's just, i lost my cellphone yesterday and feel like nothing without it.

I didn't even lose it, I left it in this chick's freakin car after this bio field trip.

Ahh well.