The darkest point, next to the only light... this small flickering light...

I'm so scared I'm going to lose everyone- my mom, my family, my friends... I'm so scared of one day waking up and not having my mom there- she's the only one that's been there for me no matter what, no matter how much everyone else has given up on me... Right now she's the only thing that's real to me, the only thing that matters to me... I'll do anything for her, I promise... I'll do anything for her...

In lieu of love, this lover, hissing

I feel like such a hypocrite...

I stopped reading Robert Jordan's The Wheel of Time Series at like book nine or so because the characters started acting differently- it just wasn't the same story anymore... I felt betrayed...

And now the new Naruto is going the same way; the show is not the same as it used to be, I can't really explain it.

Yet my old friends surely felt the same way when I started to change- it's no wonder they didn't want me to be a part of their lives; how can I blame them for doing what I myself am guilty of?

Maybe it wasn't just them who turned their backs on me... it's not like I'm still chasing after them.

I really have changed; half the time I'm not sure I even like who I am, myself.  I guess I'm the same as everything else; I can be as ugly as I can be beautiful, like this world we live in.

It's not a cop-out to stop evolving, and stop growing, but it's a truth that's persisted despite everything else I've learned- a truth that's flowed largely beyond my comprehension until the years have started to bring it closer to me, or me closer to it.

...one thing is for certain- I don't care if the new Naruto's changed... I have to keep watching lol.

Hmmm... now that I think about it... I suppose this stone's skipping may be from farther shores than I'd imagined... Hell I remember my first stand-out, true-blue friend- my childhood friend Brandon... He must hate my guts for going off the rails on an emo train and becoming a friggin hippy.  But I will always remember the great times we had together. I could fill all the pages of this blog recounting the adventures we had... maybe someday when I have more time than troubles (or become even better at balancing the two) I'll do just that... sit down and recapitulate those experiences... turn on the flashlight and walk down those creaky basement stairs to coat my lungs in the dust of those old memories...

Jesus Christ I'm twenty-five years young and still have at least twice that many more memories to make... garrrr and the subtle balance slows the pendulum to a stop for one timeless, breathless moment again...

Last Words... Out

So, what if our whole planet is just like a sperm bank of sorts to some cosmic nation or entity... so our entire evolution as human beings is like a seed waiting to be farmed...

Or worse, what if Castaneda was right and our very awareness itself is what is harvested upon death?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



T

My Deepest Reflection; Grossest Infection

I tried so hard to find out what I DIDNT want to be, that I found out who I was...

These are the words that pound my head... I can't stop whatever it is that was triggered... It's like I hit a certain checkmark and the maker of the game said, HEY good job makin it this far, here's the god damn Master Sword...

This shit's just gonna level up, I know it... A weird calming benevolence permeates what seems to be precision, or is it desperation that fuels its drive..?

Seriously I feel like a fuckin android. It's the weirdest freakin feeling... I feel like it's all a trap... women control the friggin world, and my ma is like the fuckin administrator responsible for my upbringing... my guidance/ programming...

I am tempted even now to drink that foul liquid, that which doth taint the very fabric of my existence... even these words fall short of what I once was... Fuckin women control the world... it's disgusting... some chicks don't even think they're dudes and lasers flyin outta charge.. yes... the world was inverted...

Much like the Fresh Prince of Bel Aire...

'My life got flip-turned upside-down...'

GAHHH no wonder Morrison and the others offed themselves... to live like this is no life at all... To live like this is disgusting and the whole god damn world should up and flames. Yeah, up and flames.

Whoah... I figured it out...

My recent lifestyle changes have actually eclipsed my energy fields into a new synchronization...

Before, I used to be able to pop my back and experience short-circuiting, but now I'm so tight and streamlined I can't even do that anymore...

It's like I'm not gettin enough air to my brain... I don't feel right in this form...

*Initiating shutdown sequence*

yeahh that's lame but this isn't who i am... i don't fuckin care...