happy days!

I don't know what it is... today, of all days, I am feeling, so much, the immensity of... despair... crushing down on me like the upper jaw of a dinosaur or sme shit...  I I feel like everything is hopeless... I don't know... I'm like....

:/

 I have so little faith in this world... I know it has so little faith in me....

I can't even complain correctly... I'm so tied up in this linguistic word-snake's tell-tale coil trap. I feel so overwhelmed, unsure if i'm gonna pass my classes or not... I know if I don't, I will never recover from this defeat... it will be the beginning of my end.... however quick or prolonged that ultimate sojourn would be...   In some ways, i am almost welcoming it... I'm so tired of this fuckin Earth bullshit... It's been nothing but the same damn shit every fuckin day since how long man...

I'm just stretched from years of substance abuse, I guess.

It's all going to end someday anyways...

Yeah, I know it's half-glass empty or whatever.  But everything is something. Just cuz you call it out doesn't mean shit. Whoopdy fuckin do.
We either become the people that destroy this planet or we are the people that are destroyed....

Kill or be killed...

hmm

Tis foolishness...

So today... I don't know what it is about today, man... I just feel this intense prolonged anguish, this deep unease... some kind of uncertainty... like something's slipping away from me...

I honestly feel pretty depressed today. I feel like there's no way this college thing is gonna work out for me... I feel like I'm gonna end up going to prison and dying in some stupid ass way...

I wish I could go back and... well I don't know. I guess there's no point in feeling that way...

It just feels like... no matter how much I try, things aren't getting any better. Life doesn't ever really get any better... life changes, and certain things that were bad before may no longer be bad, but in its stead, a new bad replaces it. And it's not just that, either. It's like that for every thing in life... nothing changes... even when shit changes, it's never really new. It's just different shades of the same grey... same shit, different ass, sotospeak.

I want to believe that things will get 'better'... I know they will... but they will also get worse again, too. And it's just foolishness to be so naive as to believe it's not that way, or that it could be different... I've ran my head into the same wall about five million times now- it'd be stupid to think it would be any different.

Maybe a part of me is dying... or maybe this acceptance is just a part of 'growing up'. It's not like I don't care, or that I care any less... It just feels so futile.

Rainbow Gathering

yeaaaah! so I went to this rainbow gathering... it was pretty legit!

Gotta say, it renewed my faith in people in general lol. I'm glad there's some cats out there truly living, loving life man. Good shit! I wish we were all so tightknit, loving, and carefree and open ya know? God bless those children of the sun, man... God bless those crazy, cool cats...

Now, I'm back in Prescott, and I have work tomorrow... barely made it back in time for my Biology Exam... man... Can't WAIT!

All I gotta say is I'm glad to be back on Earth lol... this chick Neptune was pretty cool but.... I love my girl, Mary... she's sooooo good... and I mean it- I probably wouldn't have had this patience, couple years back, but, now... I don't know, I'm a little mellowed out. I can wait- for a gal like her. That's for sure =)

I mean I still check out chick's asses and honestly I can't help but ponder what I could do to them tight little asses... buuuuuuuuut I know i have something rare n beautiful, here... I won't squander it... and God, she's been SO good to me... so DAMN good even when I definitely didn't deserve it..... man I love that gal.

alright i got to get to sleep... maaaaaan... well. a hot shower, a beer and some hard day's work... all awaits me tomorrow. God bless~

Damn that sun feels good

after a long night of crunching numbers, and my sanity lol.

Man. I feel great... Nothing's better than putting in an honest effort- doing what you feel is right, overcoming obstacles as they arise and somehow stumbling forward to see that golden, grand, gay-

wait a sec! this ain't califorrrrrrrnia maaaan!

well, the sun is ahhh quite beautiful O_o oh yes, it is quite so... one could gander at its gilded gaze all gay-

alright- what the funky poodle ith goin on here~!

xD

i'm sorry. today seems to be a day to make gay jokes. or imitate gay people in some dissociated, sadly disturbing way.

funny, how that seems to sprout from that warm yummy feeeling of a glowing, glistening, gay-

*slams door behind as walks away*

Don't pity me- I am where I am, because of my own decisions... we are all fighting this universal non-entity, sort of like the associative property of addition/multiplication...

err

man all I know is, it's friggin cold as duke nukem's pension fund...

oh man.

yeah, it's freakin late. i'm cold. I sorta just wish I would die, but at the same time, I got this far already... might as well keep goin.

Always Forward

It was a cold and wet day today...

I guess it's in our darkest moments that we truly appreciate what we have, aye...

All I have is my purpose- my intent. I'm done being a slave to the thing that made me happy... the thing that makes any man happy...

For what profits a man who gains the world but loses his soul?

God... just thinking of all the things I could do without it... just...

all the things i should have done... >_<

aye.... perspective is a bitch.

Always forward, drill sergeant... 

Another turning point

I'm pretty tired today... really run down. I should be doing a lot of things... shoot I'm just glad I got my laundry done. And hey what do ya know- I'm still alive.

There's so much pain and emptiness in my life right now... just... so much empty space... I want, so much, for this love I have to fill up this void, but by God, I can't do anything to propagate such.

I feel like Squall floating in space, trying to catch Rinoa...

I'm pretty hungry... hmmm...

I don't know...

It was nice, some elderly ladies just came by and I helped them carry some stuff into this room by where I like to set up my laptop, over at the art building.

man, i miss my buddy matt waller... he was a good guy. real good friend... God bless him... hope things are going good for him.

I'm gonna get a new RPG to play today. Idk which one... it's been a while since I played Landstalker, and I actually bought the official version of it from like Yahoo Games...

I tried installing RMXP but it wouldn't work! fuckin- A!

goals

ultimately-

i wanna be able to jump up from my back, no problem, without the assistance of my hands.  I used to be able to do that- that was the peak of my physical fitness...

Now, my capacity has expanded.  I can be much more than I was before... MUUCH more (yeah bring it on, mother fuckers- i will regress you back to an embryotic stage, nigga~

and that's if i'm in a good mood.

^_^

You know, I always had faith in mankind... maybe I just wanted to test it, to prove it was weak, like I was...

But now, it's a matter of pushing beyond my own limits- no concern to what others have done- and being all that I can be, every day.

I miss my old friends, aye, it aches on me so.... I know.... someday... we'll meet again...

I just want to be my best, for that day. And I know they'll be thinkin somethin similar- that's why they're my bros.... I miss em.

(I still want to find out what the hell happened between me and Kristi Wutt, and Christina DePinet... God bless em... especially Kristi... God, I hope she's OK...

For my waterfall~

Man... I gotta say, I am like sexually adroitly charged right now... I have been pretty much since starting college... it's like my hormones are telling me to fuckin, REPRODUCE MAN! But I gotta wait til I get this degree, bro~! MAAAN I'm really falling for this awesome AWESOME!  *eyes roll back into head* SO AWESOME!! *pantpant* beautiful, sweet girl in Show Low... Mary Beth Gore... God bless you baby~ Gosh I love you~! God, words cannot describe... man! GARRRRRR she just... MAN! so cool! lol! I can't even.... *sparkly lost daydreamin upward eyes*

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WELL!
So...
yeah...

I think I might just finish this AAS in Accounting, and then get a degree in computer programming. Honestly I feel good and excellent m^_^m (probably a result of my high-sugar/B-vitamins diet) when my fingers are like strumming on a keyboard or a guitar... Just, I feel so connected and groovin lol its lame to talk about I guess but honestly that's how I feel, simply put. And I've always digged code, the whole concept of computer language is just beautiful, man... I used to do JavaScript (though I knew some HTML), programmed RPGMakerXP games in Ruby, and dabbled in C/++ back in the day. Those were the 'good old days' I should say lol. I would feel spoiled if I could call 'work' sitting in front of a computer all day lol. Probly have to work on my finger/wrist stretches, and just any stretches in general, huh... I'll be fine.. =)

But yeah, if I get an accounting degree and then a computer programming degree, guess what I could do-? Be a techie in any business. Write codes for businesses, maybe, like banks..? Hmm... Idk. I just have realized, being in this environment conductive of learning, that I would honestly enjoy my time learning if I was learning about something I really loved and was passionate and could feel satisfied being a total nerd in, like programming ^_^

Dorky as it sounds, I'm gonna download RPG Maker XP tonight onto the laptop, and stay up a while and 'play' that. I have the paid version still, yes I actually forked like 60, 70 bucks for the license, so I could technically produce a game and sell it on Yahoo if I wanted... Hell, why not do something awesome and constructive like that in my free time? I actually still have my old RMXP dataset/game saved on my server on FileDen... hell I could just start workin on that game, again! MAAAAAN! BRILLIANT!

^_^ God, thank you, thank you, thank you~!


So, in summary- if anything, ultimately I'll become a programmer with a business background; an asset to any large company! And maybe I'll finish an RMXP game in the meantime and make a couple grand on the side after school. It'll look great on my portfolio, if I end up becoming a game programmer :-X

buuuuut who'd think of doin something like that... that's silly... right..?

O_o

P',')=D ~~~<>~~~~ GARRRRRR I DO WHAT I WANT! YOU HAVE PROBREM? *GULP*

xD if you know where that's from, and not just from googling it, i'll send you five dollars via paypal lol.

Et Tou, Brute?

Things are gettin a little... well... honestly... I just don't know how I'm gonna make it lol.  I'll just keep keeping on, ya know, til I run out of fuel, and go from there... but... man! What the hell happened to all my money... I swear to GOD, MAN; IM NEVER GOIN BACK TO THE BARS!

I was a BEAST though! Break dancin, fuckin moonwalkin, doin John Travolta-esque moves all over the place... I was tearin that shit up! I taught those kids what it meant to be alive again!

It's crazy, I did all this homework last night... so now all I have left is accounting and Bio.

I don't know.... I really am just goin with this flow....

Well. Tonight's objectives- obtain a new SNES RPG I can dote all my time and attention on. Super Mario World... fuck yeah... not an RPG, but epic nonetheless... must be conquered, again~

hmmm i'll post screenshots of my progress, I s'pose.

I'd swim- but i wish i never learned

So I was going to the bathroom to drink a beer, and there she was... the bitch that used me.

I swear to God, she DOES have a right to be scared- she knows what she did and it's right up there with smuggling baby unicorns to hell as far as sins go...

Man, I'm sick of talkin about this bitch. Emma Teskey- you're seriously a fuckin... man... fuck her...

Things are going really awesome with Mary~ man she's such a gem... God bless her.... I gotta say, I'm real good at screwing things up.... man... i don't know, what it is, I just have this, numbing, sadness...


I don't know. I guess it's cause I haven't eaten good today? nah that can't be it... i actually am eating pretty well....

i don't know.... i just feel depressed.... it's probably all the alcohol i'm drinking..... i mean, it's always gonna be something, isn't it? if it ain't booze it's be something else. if it wasn't this, it'd be that... 

I don't know. I'm gonna do my sociology homework and then get goin on. Man. That stupid cunt, I really hate her... what a fuckin bitch- i hope she gets raped by like six niggers and gets AIDS and dies. What a pretentious piece of shit. If all you're gonna do in life is validate what you're doing in life, then you should at least be enjoying yourself. At least I went to the party- she stood outside and calculated all the reasons parties were wrong. GUESS WHAT! End of the night- one of us actually enjoyed our life experience- guess who?

THIS GUY!

alright I seriously need to cheer up. i'll finish this sociology shit and get somethin hot to eat... talk to someone that genuinely wants me in their life... someone i should be grateful for.

Love you, Mary~ <3