lots of buts

Yeah I ain't blogged in a while...

Been on the DL~ nyugga~

Started my second year at Yavapai Community College- already off to an awesome start, heck yeah~!

Man, I feel terrible being such a jew, but honestly I can't wait to get this financial aid... it should hit my account sometime tomorrow. Hell it shoulda gone in on Friday but God knows the fuckin banks take fifty years to deposit shit; the moment you go over your balance or spend money, though, they're on you like fags at a rave.

I've just been drinking... drinking and drinking... been in a constant drunk for a while, now.  I don't even care about anything else, I'm just waiting for my friggin lifeline to come in- my friggin money...

It's pretty sad that I've become like this.  But it ain't like I'm living at mommy-and-daddy's house anymore, and can sit around and play video games all day, or go on the mountain and trip, or go drink with friends in the woods, or at their pad... I don't know what I've lost over the years but, I feel like I'm caught up in something heavy, something with momentum... I used to espouse the benefits of being weightless and free, having nothing... but with that sporadic lifestyle comes a cost...

Hell everything comes with a cost.

Even the way I live right now, has a cost. That's what I'm bitchin about, I guess. heh...

hmmm

Got thinkin on a weird train of thought...

Ya know I've kind of... I don't know what it is, but things just don't affect me as much anymore... I mean I still cry and get angry and all that shit, but...

It's probably because this is the most stable I've been in a long time.  Ever since leaving home, pretty much.  It's nice to not have to worry about the things I did before, I suppose. 

I still don't... arrrr what the hell, I'm just being a dildo. 

I watched Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows, part II today. I've seen it before but it was cool seein it again- God I can't stand but think of how I would have written things differently though, whenever I watch those movies.  Luna Lovegood is so fuckin hot, swear to God I wouldn't need a Firebolt to snatch that golden snitch~ ohhhhh

...her name's fuckin LOVEGOOD. and damn, that ass in them pants... mmmmmhmmm. badonkadonka~ tinker toy? hell no, play with my Tonka~ ohhhhhh

that said I'll kill anyone who thinks they're a rapper or feels they 'should pursue a rapping career'... can I just tattoo 'cancer' on your forehead right fuckin now man?

Hell, I'll go work on my video game... I'm working more on it lately than I have in months, which still isn't saying shit.

...

I don't know if I'm gonna continue with my current living situation though. I really don't... I guess I'll know when I get that money... see what horizons I can see from there.

I'll probly blog later, or tomorrow... sometime soon.  I'm bored as fuck... ironically, it seems the more hours of boredom you accrue the more moments of inspiration you have... it's a disgusting tradeoff though... don't know if it's worth it...

No excuse, now...

I am gonna be going to school this semester, after all!

I can't believe it... I've been through it time and time again but it always surprises me somehow... Whenever I'm about to throw it all away and just say 'fuck it' and pull the friggin trigger, this world pulls some crazy excuse out of its ass for me to take just another step... and that one step is all it ever takes to make me keep movin forward...

I should be happy, I know... but a part of me is a bit... disappointed; I feel like I'm starting to get complacent with this world... isn't that terrible? How cocky, and arrogant of me, right? But it doesn't matter if it's right or wrong, that's how it is.

I feel like... well. Fuck... I honestly don't know how I make it through each friggin day. I keep telling myself 'just one more'... or, 'just say 'fuck it' and go full-throttle, fuck what consequences arise tomorrow because of today's bullshit'. Then tomorrow comes, and it's the same damn shit. How is it possible, I ask myself... How can a man stare the universe straight in the eye every damn day and not get tore the fuck up?

That's the problem with seeing things a certain way, and thus, mankind's inherent flaw... It don't matter what you see right now or what you learn right now, or whatever; whatever you see is just 1% of what's out there, and it takes all we can just to bring that shit into focus.  Meanwhile there's a whole fuckin sea just waitin out there, constantly changing, so no matter how much you look at it, it don't mean a god damn thing.  Everything changes just as you think you're getting to get the hang of it. Ride whatever wave you damn well please, it don't matter. As much as you eat, you shit out your ass the next damn moment. Ain't nothing permanent, ain't nothing solid... everything is as blind as it is all-seeing, dammit. Even this seemingly pertinent sentiment I am expressing is as inherently invalidating and flawed as the shit it's trying to disprove. 

But hey, I'll play along with the game... That's why we're here, ain't it? Whether it's worth anything or not, we're here for the long haul...

Might as well die and get it over with, that's how I feel on my dark days...

On my bright days... cuz, God, ain't it as bright as the night is dark, other times? Man, I am so grateful for those reprieves from the cold and empty lifeless black of the void... Love is such a powerful feeling... the greatest of synergies we can partake... at least, the best I've ever known hahah. The union of two souls... two desolate, lonely comets somehow paralleling in their flight through the sometimes cruel, cutting, carnivorous cosmos... somehow seemingly bending that inescapable duality like birds on the wing defying the ever-present, ever-pushing force of gravity...

For what is man's finest moment, if not that which defies all of which we seemingly are? Like our very sentience that mocks the seemingly mindless flocks of creatures from whence we seemingly crawled...

Someday, I pray, our own sons and daughters will champion even us... that they may 'but level that lift to pass and continue beyond...'

(Walt Whitman, mah nyugga)

A short time to be there~

Well, I've really done it this time.

I'm once again in deep shit with the school.  This time it's even worse than... ever. 

Now I'm on academic suspension- unable to even get financial aid or loans.  If I wanna go back to school I'm gonna have to pay the exorbant fees out of my own pocket; this is impossible.  I simply don't have the willpower or inner strength to do something crazy like work while going to school... hell I could barely make it through the semester with thousands of dollars in loans, how the hell can I pull it off with twice the stress?

Besides, with my botched work history, criminal record, and poor credit rating, it'd be near impossible for me to get a job, as it is.

What's ridiculous is that my old man has been paying over a dozen grand a year for my spoiled bitch little sister to go to a University, yet it'd be gregarious for me to ask him for a mere grand to go to school and fix shit for just ONE semester.  Even accumulating the small things he's helped me with over the years, it'd add up to less than four grand. 

It's because him and my mom are going through a divorce right now, and she's trying to stiff him for 3 grand a month.  So because of that, he probably is going to have to cut my little sister off from support as it is.  In other words, right now is the worst possible time for me to ask him for help.  And it's when I need it more than ever...

I could probably go to the DES and get 160, 200 in foodstamps before I go back to class this semester, since I'm technically no longer a student, then ask him for 1.5 grand and pay my tuition and buy whatever books I need.  I think I got a hookup for a place to live, at least, they'll let me stay so long as I play it straight and am going to class, and help out around the house.  That's the ONLY way I could see it working out.  And that's only IF my dad agrees to help me out... I'm FUCKED otherwise.

Of course, I'm submitting an appeal based on the fact my folks were going through a divorce and my landlord evicted everyone from my apartments mid-semester.  But it's a long shot because it's my second appeal.  I'm also looking into this other college, thinking I might have a chance for a fresh start somewhere else. 

Things are looking grim.  I'm quickly slipping into this 'fuck it' mentality... it's hard not to.  I honestly just wish it would all end- the perpetual game of up-and-down, love and hate, good and bad, etc... It's all bullshit to me.  I'm not like everyone else.  I've never been like anyone else.  I'm not content with this universe... I've never been content.  It's never been enough... nothing's ever been just 'right' in my head.  I've always been contemptuous of this world and the times we live in... I thought I could be the one to change things, to usher in a new age of thought in our society, our generation and the generations to follow.  All I've ever wanted from the depths of my soul is to change this world, to guide it down a more righteous path... to cut the cancer from this world and spread the love and hope that I've desperately been lacking and yearned for my entire life...

In the end I guess I lacked the momentum, and the strength/resolve to 'push it farther'.  I've been coasting endlessly for so long, just hoping the wind would blow me the right way, calling that my 'trust in God' and the universe... praying that pure intentions alone were good enough. 

In the end, this little light wanted only to grow brighter, but maybe the wind was too strong or there wasn't enough air to fuel that flame... or maybe that wick just wasn't as long as I thought.  However it came to be, this light's gone out, and it's just a matter of precious too-little time before the last smokey shred of heat dissipates in the dark wind, forgotten, forever.

Thank God.