No excuse, now...

I am gonna be going to school this semester, after all!

I can't believe it... I've been through it time and time again but it always surprises me somehow... Whenever I'm about to throw it all away and just say 'fuck it' and pull the friggin trigger, this world pulls some crazy excuse out of its ass for me to take just another step... and that one step is all it ever takes to make me keep movin forward...

I should be happy, I know... but a part of me is a bit... disappointed; I feel like I'm starting to get complacent with this world... isn't that terrible? How cocky, and arrogant of me, right? But it doesn't matter if it's right or wrong, that's how it is.

I feel like... well. Fuck... I honestly don't know how I make it through each friggin day. I keep telling myself 'just one more'... or, 'just say 'fuck it' and go full-throttle, fuck what consequences arise tomorrow because of today's bullshit'. Then tomorrow comes, and it's the same damn shit. How is it possible, I ask myself... How can a man stare the universe straight in the eye every damn day and not get tore the fuck up?

That's the problem with seeing things a certain way, and thus, mankind's inherent flaw... It don't matter what you see right now or what you learn right now, or whatever; whatever you see is just 1% of what's out there, and it takes all we can just to bring that shit into focus.  Meanwhile there's a whole fuckin sea just waitin out there, constantly changing, so no matter how much you look at it, it don't mean a god damn thing.  Everything changes just as you think you're getting to get the hang of it. Ride whatever wave you damn well please, it don't matter. As much as you eat, you shit out your ass the next damn moment. Ain't nothing permanent, ain't nothing solid... everything is as blind as it is all-seeing, dammit. Even this seemingly pertinent sentiment I am expressing is as inherently invalidating and flawed as the shit it's trying to disprove. 

But hey, I'll play along with the game... That's why we're here, ain't it? Whether it's worth anything or not, we're here for the long haul...

Might as well die and get it over with, that's how I feel on my dark days...

On my bright days... cuz, God, ain't it as bright as the night is dark, other times? Man, I am so grateful for those reprieves from the cold and empty lifeless black of the void... Love is such a powerful feeling... the greatest of synergies we can partake... at least, the best I've ever known hahah. The union of two souls... two desolate, lonely comets somehow paralleling in their flight through the sometimes cruel, cutting, carnivorous cosmos... somehow seemingly bending that inescapable duality like birds on the wing defying the ever-present, ever-pushing force of gravity...

For what is man's finest moment, if not that which defies all of which we seemingly are? Like our very sentience that mocks the seemingly mindless flocks of creatures from whence we seemingly crawled...

Someday, I pray, our own sons and daughters will champion even us... that they may 'but level that lift to pass and continue beyond...'

(Walt Whitman, mah nyugga)