A short time to be there~

Well, I've really done it this time.

I'm once again in deep shit with the school.  This time it's even worse than... ever. 

Now I'm on academic suspension- unable to even get financial aid or loans.  If I wanna go back to school I'm gonna have to pay the exorbant fees out of my own pocket; this is impossible.  I simply don't have the willpower or inner strength to do something crazy like work while going to school... hell I could barely make it through the semester with thousands of dollars in loans, how the hell can I pull it off with twice the stress?

Besides, with my botched work history, criminal record, and poor credit rating, it'd be near impossible for me to get a job, as it is.

What's ridiculous is that my old man has been paying over a dozen grand a year for my spoiled bitch little sister to go to a University, yet it'd be gregarious for me to ask him for a mere grand to go to school and fix shit for just ONE semester.  Even accumulating the small things he's helped me with over the years, it'd add up to less than four grand. 

It's because him and my mom are going through a divorce right now, and she's trying to stiff him for 3 grand a month.  So because of that, he probably is going to have to cut my little sister off from support as it is.  In other words, right now is the worst possible time for me to ask him for help.  And it's when I need it more than ever...

I could probably go to the DES and get 160, 200 in foodstamps before I go back to class this semester, since I'm technically no longer a student, then ask him for 1.5 grand and pay my tuition and buy whatever books I need.  I think I got a hookup for a place to live, at least, they'll let me stay so long as I play it straight and am going to class, and help out around the house.  That's the ONLY way I could see it working out.  And that's only IF my dad agrees to help me out... I'm FUCKED otherwise.

Of course, I'm submitting an appeal based on the fact my folks were going through a divorce and my landlord evicted everyone from my apartments mid-semester.  But it's a long shot because it's my second appeal.  I'm also looking into this other college, thinking I might have a chance for a fresh start somewhere else. 

Things are looking grim.  I'm quickly slipping into this 'fuck it' mentality... it's hard not to.  I honestly just wish it would all end- the perpetual game of up-and-down, love and hate, good and bad, etc... It's all bullshit to me.  I'm not like everyone else.  I've never been like anyone else.  I'm not content with this universe... I've never been content.  It's never been enough... nothing's ever been just 'right' in my head.  I've always been contemptuous of this world and the times we live in... I thought I could be the one to change things, to usher in a new age of thought in our society, our generation and the generations to follow.  All I've ever wanted from the depths of my soul is to change this world, to guide it down a more righteous path... to cut the cancer from this world and spread the love and hope that I've desperately been lacking and yearned for my entire life...

In the end I guess I lacked the momentum, and the strength/resolve to 'push it farther'.  I've been coasting endlessly for so long, just hoping the wind would blow me the right way, calling that my 'trust in God' and the universe... praying that pure intentions alone were good enough. 

In the end, this little light wanted only to grow brighter, but maybe the wind was too strong or there wasn't enough air to fuel that flame... or maybe that wick just wasn't as long as I thought.  However it came to be, this light's gone out, and it's just a matter of precious too-little time before the last smokey shred of heat dissipates in the dark wind, forgotten, forever.

Thank God.