Fuck You Loud Dude at NAU Cline Library, with your donkey laugh

So... today is a pretty weird day man.

hmmm....

sometimes, i fuckin wonder, man....

I swear these fags at NAU are like watching the public users on their terminals and just talkin shit all day. The cats behind the counter, i mean.

Yeah paranoid-delusional-skitzophrenia is on the rise today... I swear I saw my old Drill Sargeant. Or a dude that looked exactly like him at Jack in the Box...

God I just need some sleep...

I need some resolution, really. That's what I need. I can't stand this uncertainty... it's driving me nuts. I'm gonna apply to other colleges. Fuck it, i'll do classes online if I have to.

Fuck CCC

So,CCC won't allow me to go to college there again unless I pay for six credit hours OUT OF MY OWN POCKET?! So I can't even get into community college?!

I'm heading up there right now. I'm tired, I'm pissed, and I swear to God I'm gonna have someone's ass in the can before I fuckin lay down to sleep today.

Damn these headphones are too small

I'm doing a lot better... every day gets brighter and brighter =)

I really feel like the light is returning to my light, ahh it's such a great feeling. God dang, maybe it's just the seasons but whateer it is, Lord, I'm grateful. And I won't take it for granted, no, I'm gonna appreciate this every minute and use it as best I can.

I'm gonna hang out with my Christian friend Tracy today- she's so outgoing and honest, and positive, it's really nice. I totally dig her 'tude- I realize in a lot of ways she is blind to the beauty of certain things, as most of us are, and I realize a lot of it has to do with her hardcore christian upbringing. But that same Christian upbringing has given her a lot of values that I can dig, and honestly they're ones we both share, regardless of my own somewhat non-existant (religious) upbringing. Despite not being raised with any one specific religion prevalent- which is pretty righteous and I totally respect my parents for it, honestly that's the best freakin way to raise your kid, is not brainwashing their asses (then there are those that could say 'hey not teaching them is a form of brainwashing as well' and that's when I get up and smack you across the face cuz you're obviously in my brain and it's a dream and it's time to end this EXTREMELY long runon sentence omigerrd) SO (no ritalin today i'm afraid!) yeah despite being a blank state religiously and just learning from experience, I can digg the morals we do share.

Religious zealots are just as bad as faithless, dry atheists in my opinion. Extremes are only good for one thing- and that's to give support in moments of extreme duress, when all else fails. Hopefully shit never gets to that point.

The same thing could be said about economics; yes, it is good to have a few major-ass billionaire industrial giants and what have you. But they shouldn't be so for-profit and unshakeable as to be unable to give back in moments they are needed, like depressions such as we are 'supposedly' in. I don't think calling a shallow grave with shit being piled on top of it a depression, really, just poor decision-making. But you know me, I'm not an educated lobbyist, what could I know. >_>

Yeaaaaah it's one of them days baby.

So much love to all you cats out there~ keep on keepin on in your own weird ways~ don't forget to love the ones ya dont and slap a politician if ya see one. We could use more of both~

shim slady

So last night I had a pretty intense vision... A vision of all my friends fulfilling the roles of Castaneda's characters.

We could definitely shoot a freakin Castaneda movie- it hasn't been done yet but it should've been done a long time ago.

Casting will be uploaded in a further update... no one reads this shit so I can imagine whatever I want lol. This might be pretty ridiculous~ I'ma love it tho~

I miss my old comrades~ compadres` mi amor~

Well what the fuck.
Don Juan-
Don Genaro-
Nestor
Pablito
Eligio

alright I'm at the library, and I am feeling like the fourth of july....
You know that feeling when you just let everything go, and let the world push you..?
Well I did.. I totally let go man... and the world pushed me gently, and so beautifully and tenderly that I miiiiiiiight just forgive it for stuff in the past. lol. (Yeah right)xD

>_>_>_>_>

Point of the matter is i'm pretty blasted. I've never felt like this, i could almost cry with the reality of the ruthlessly raw rimming energy of life that flows fluidly through my shit like a wilford brimley commercial. Yeah shit is goin nuts in chaz land. Anyways man (BEETIS!) lol

Bless you cats out there~

We all need it~

And lord knows we wanna give it~


to yo momma! badoing doing doing! xD

Branching Out

I'm looking to branch out and expand my stuff... or rather, consolidate and maximize the effectiveness of a particular service. It's either I use Google like a whore, or wordpress, or do like I've been doing and have a spread of sites. It'd be easier if all my stuff was consolidated, like into one account... hmmm.

short and sweet

yeah not too much has been going on. my ex left for london (see facebook for ensuing drama and shit) aaaaaaaand i'm getting lots of shit done, taking care of business, and so forth. meanwhile accruing copious gamer points on Xbox live lol.

Deus Ex: Human revolution, Just Cause 2, Final Fantasy XIII-2, and Farcry 3 are all on the playlist. Shit's grooving~

much love, sportsfans~

Can you give me sanctuary..?

Man, considering how intensely sober I've been lately, I've really been enjoying life! I can't believe it... Finally things are actually leveling out for me ^_^

It's such a good, genuine, warm, enveloping and engrossing feeling- to know that all you are and all you've accomplished is a result of YOU and not some drug or chemical. So cheesy, I know. But God damn call me swiss and mozzarella my cheddar lol.

Clarity brings with it a certain gravity. It's probably what I've been avoiding... the weight of my intelligence... it's something I haven't wanted to burden myself with. But I hadn't realized that intelligence is useless without wisdom- like finding ways to deal with these problems without becoming a bum, douchebag, or mooch.

It's scary stepping back into my own shoes and stuff ya know. Not being all dexed out and high as an excuse for my awkwardness and stupid mistakes. My imperfection.

We're all imperfect- none of us is ideal~ what is sought after, what is idolized, is later torn from the wall and banned like Nazi book burnings or the Crusades, or the Spaniards, etc.

He died a confused man, killed hisself with his own mind~
Fuckin love Sublime.

Yeah I feel really good. I don't have a job. I'm looking at two impending court dealios, and I'm probably fucked. I've been real sketchy with going to classes so idk if I can get my certificate before I meet with the prosecutor next.

I might have to ask my awesome-as-fuck group leader, Joy McCoy, if she can come testify or something on my behalf lol. God I'd have to take her out to eat for sure after that one. God bless that woman, she is truly doing God's work. Every day I see her, she is so ebulient and warm, and outgoing and friendly~ she is such a gentle spirit, God bless her soul~

~~

Hanging On My Frowning Wall

Well if I get back home n I feel alright, you know babe, you're gonna love me right~

Yeah today was a pretty epivical day~ Is that a word? It is now bro~

I've got a couple places I gotta hit up tomorrow. This motel for Night Audit, and Taco Bell as well.

Sometimes I pray~ waiting for some Chaz holiday~
So I jacked myself some Delsym~
And I'm right back, right back where I'm from~

I feel really inspired tonight. I'm fuckin pissed that I can't use the computers here for more than an hour. Wtf. I just want to write. Maybe I can talk to the cats here and see if there's some arrangement I can make.

God, my mom has helped me out so much in my life. Thank God for this woman, Thank GOD for my mother, Susan~ she is the angel in my life, no doubt. Mike, my buddy, is pretty cool as well, and he's an angel in his own regard, but by God. This woman has saved me more times than Mario's saved the princess.

I'm contemplating chilling here and writing for a couple hours. I wish I had some whiskey or something to help motivate, but I'm past that now. I don't need substances to get where I need to go, or want to =)

I'll probly do some fierce writing, listen to some music on my phone, shoot I gotta upload some new music to that device. First I gotta DL some shit
Fourshare is a little bitch! They slammed me with all these copyright infringement bullshits. I was like 'if the artists truly want their work to be appreciated and they're just making music because they're musicians and they're not in it for money, then why the FUCK are you giving me heat about sharing some 90s mp3s?!'

Well tomorrow I'm gonnna help Eris' sisters move to their new place. Eris' family pretty much hates me, because they think I'm like a good for nothing or something. Meanwhile their mom's living for free at Mike's place, eating up all my food when I ain't around and having a heater blasting all night and.... yeah you've seen the recent posts. Point is, I don't deal in bullshit. If someone's fuckin with me, then it's over bro. I'm gonna slam your arm down on the barrel and cut ya off at the wrist ya little shit!

Coming from someone that's stolen over 25, 30k worth of cough syrup overthe past five years from major retailers in no particularly disclosed location, yeah~ that's pretentious and ignorant~

Welcome to reality. Everyone's flawed. Everyone's fucked. Everyone's trying to push they's luck~

Man, I can't wait to get a job and get on some payroll, digg? Hopefully one of these places checks out.

God bless~
~namaste

Why, None Would Suffer In This World

I live in my buddy Mike's house. I don't pay rent, I pretty much just gotta bring in some spare change for utilities and stock the cabinets now and then and it's all bread and butter.

I live with my supposedly best buddy's mom, and her boyfriend. Marilyn and Phil. Phil is technically 'disabled' or 'challenged' I guess- total bullshit. Kid got pumped with a bunch of Ritalin and high fructose corn syrup and sugar. Guess that qualifies for being disabled in some parts of this world. Sure, he doesn't speak correctly. Probably a result of drinking a lot of alcohol when he was in college. But because of that, he gets to take 8 years to complete an associates degree, using so much financial aid money that he can spend $40 a day eating out with his girlfriend that admitted to just using him for money.

Yeah, Marilyn acts like she's this pinnacle of wisdom and clarity. She smokes weed every night and goes out drinking with rich white guys when Phil's at work. Oh and the two of them sleep on five fuckin mattresses, while me and Mike sleep on the floor cuddled up in our blankets and sleeping bags. The two of them act like they own the fuckin house even though Mike is the one that goes to work every friggin day and busts his ass just so he can barrrrrrrrrely afford this place that shelters all of us.

Half of the living room is taken up by Marilyn's shit. It's bullshit. I have all my shit crammed into this tiny cubby I bought at walmart for six bucks, and they still fuckin complain about how my laundry stinks. They leave the god damn heater on every night while they stretch out on their foam mattresses (yeah i'd have a bad back, trying to act like I was Princess Jasmine sleeping on the finest pillowy clouds of Arabia every night when my grotesquely fat body is really sinking the shit in the middle so bad my back bends) anyways they leave the heater on and sometimes even turn the oven on full blast, cuz they're soooooo cooooooold and shit (ever live on the streets bitch? fuck you. go sleep on mt elden n tell me-) AND WHEN THE UTILITY BILL COMES ohhhh Charlie's such a bad guy he never helps out with the utility bills nahnahnahnah. Yeah. Dumb fucks. I wear sweats all day. I take cold showers. I don't turn that shit on and wait for it to warm up 20 minutes like it's a fuckin hotel room and I'm just visiting this country for the weekend. Fuckin ingrates.

What else?! Get this. So she's jumping on my back cuz I have a substance problem *coughcough*. Heeeeeeeeey Miss Joe! Remember last year when I had to carry your ass out of the woods with two of your kids and your gay friend, and it took us like a whole half an hour to go literally 100 feet? Because you were so fuckin wasted? Remember when you used to throw little parties with your gay friends and drink all the time, or come back home puking and shit? Yeah, I do. You don't, apparently. Get this- I tell this broad that I got a beer, cuz she's in a rut and I feel bad, and she mentions offhand that she wishes she had a drink. So I tell her 'hey I have a 40 in the fridge I was hiding, but ya know, since you're my native momma and all and I'm supposed to love you and shit, here why don't you have some'. Suddenly, 'oh no, that's crappy beer. I can't drink that'. huh. well. Guess I don't have to worry about hiding my beer, then, right?|

That night I literally puked and diahhread til I was unable to spit anything out of my throat.

All I remember is my beer having a funny, basic kind of taste to it when I came back from the bathroom. Next thing I know, I'm purging out my innards like an Alien movie. And even after I puke, I lay down and drink water, and this shit starts foaming up my throat.

Bitch put soap or bleach in my beer.

This all happened the night her son came back in to town. Hmmmmmmm. And he needs a place to stay. It'd be convenient if Charlie was out of the house, wouldn't it? Then Eris could stay there and go right to work (oh I've been lookin for a job for months- Eris comes to Flag and his sisters hire him at their work that SAME DAY)

Yeah. This is the shit I live with.

Even when Eris came back, he was like 'man i can't believe how shitty everyone treats you!'. And he's talking about his MOM and her boyfriend! It's THAT obvious. Yet I have to keep my mouth shut. Cuz I got no options. All my friends left my ass. They're all too good for Charles 'cough syrup' Motowski. Dylan's off 'being the best man he can', and Nick's probly wishing he was a tranny then making fun of anyone that has insecurities, Lucas probly hasn't figured out he's gay yet and is still trying to suffer through Crystal using him cuz she's never gonna find anyone else. Hmm who else is fuckin rogue.... Brad, I don't know man, I mean, who am I kidding Brad... who am I kidding... yeah, I know what's right. I just choose not to do it, cuz I'm Don Juan or some shit. Hmmm Cody, probly would still be defending my ass here and there but he's probly just jumping on the bandwagon of hate with his 'furious cuz his dick is too smalll' brother Sean. cuz it's easier to do that than make a stand, and after all... what's the point? If you can just find a reason not to do something, you don't have to do it. Nothing to do with following your fucking gut and JUST LIVING AND BEING A MAAAAAAAAAAN. By the way, I have and always will LOVE your fuckin sister, I don't give a SHIT what society thinks. Thinkin of that angel still warms my soul~ hopefully Sean and Jeff haven't poisoned her with their heavy ass negativity.

I must find a place to hide.... a place for me to hide.....

Can you find me soft asylum, I can't make it, anymore... the man is at. the. door.

Rays of Violet

Look, I'm gonna be perfectly honest here.

Charles Henry Motowski II
is a sinking ship.

I don't give a fuck about the band playing or all that bullshit.

All I know is, my end is coming.
There's no way I can get a job. I'm completely unhirable. I don't know what it is, but people just don't want me to work for them... I guess they can see all the years of deception and cough syrup abuse written on my face.

I want to be so full of hate but I don't even want to give my enemies the pleasure of knowing that I gave a shit. So I bite my tongue.

I don't know what it is, something just feels like it's coming to an end... maybe it's the whole 2012 thing, or maybe it's my court date. I don't know. All I know is, I know nothing...

I've been in this relationship with this transgender chick for a fuckin long ass time. And she's finally going to London again to be with her 40yo pedofile living-on-SSI-faggot-ass limp dick boyfriend. What kind of a faggot ass little shit makes someone he SUPPOSEDLY LOVES fly halfway across the world when that person doesn't have a real career, a stable home, a diploma or GED, I mean seriously... he's a piece of shit, it's so fucking obvious. But she has these little daddy issues because her fuckin dad slept with her when she was a kid. Rested his dick between her legs and all.

Fuckin, ex-KKK nazi-fag dad (who I totally get along with for some reason (probably the inordinate amount of painkillers that fucker's jacked up on constantly every day, he must shoot more opiates than a chinese soldier in a poppy field.))

Yeah, never once did I see this bitch's house, either. How the fuck do you date someone for like a whole year, and never ONCE see the inside of their fuckin house?! SOMETHING. IS. WRONG. WITH. THOSE. FUCKTARDS!

And the time we actually lived together? Dont get me started. For one thing, she made it (yes, SHE- as in the being that possesses a pussy and boobs, and a womb(we all call those people 'shes' but... Amanda's special. She feels like she should be called a boy. And that's toooooooooo bad for everyone else!)) and anyways, she made it impossible for me to love her even when I LIVED with her, because she literally took time out of OUR day to talk to this fucker on webcam, while we were supposed to be together, as in, a fucking relationship! AND I PUT UP WITH IT, BECAUSE GOSH DOLLY, ISNT CHUCK A NICE PATIENT GUY!
HEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRES CHARLIE!
xD so cheezy
Yeah. There's a reason kids are supposed to go to school. So they don't end up like her. She's on a power trip that's never ended. Must be fuckin nice. Look bitch, God gave you a set of boobs and a pussy. You're a fucking woman whether you like it or not. Just like God pushed my ass down the stairs when I was what, 3 months old or some shit, and I cracked my skull and somehow had an IQ of 142?  How does that happen, ma? Oh yeah, you were an alcoholic wastrel at the time, just like my father, so I guess it's not your fault I FELL DOWN THE FUCKIN STAIRS AND CRACKED MY HEAD!

Fuck everyone.

Casper farted

Look man, I don't believe in ghosts. But Harrison Ford was here the other night man, and I gotta say...

CASPER WAS FRIENDLY FOR A REASON NYUGGA!! OHHHHHHHHH

lol. Alright here's the deal. I got like less than two weeks to get 300, no 400 dollars. Or else I'm going to jail! whoo hoo!!
whoohoo

Yeah, umm, I don't know what's gonna happen man. I really don't. It's a bullshit charge to begin with. I could take it to court and they couldn't do shit about it. But you know what? I'm stuck here with my butt up my thumb, wondering why the infinitron core went inverted.

I'm so sleep deprived it's not even funny. I haven't been this rattled since Jerry Garcia farted.

I don't know what is gonna happen man. I feel like everyone's tired of giving me chances. But this mother fucker hasn't even BEGUN to try! let's DO THIS SHIT!!! DO OR DIE!!!!!!!

from dust

It seems a long time since I've actually felt like... hell I can't even remember... I just know things never used to be this bad, and yeah....

Sometimes I just wonder, what the fuck am I doing wrong... why is it me, man? Why, God, am I feeling these terribly oppressive, heavy feelings, and why are you making it so hard for me to do what I want to do...

I just feel like everything is lost. You know that feeling when you fucked up on a game and you're like 'alright well i'll just do whatever cuz i might as well die and reload this shit anyways...'

I'm so TIRED of this SHIT.

I'll do my own fuckin shit. The Government can kiss my fuckin ass! I ain't givin it another FUCKIN DIME for a crime that i DIDNT DO! I WILL TAKE THIS SHIT TO COURT!

Everything I do, I must do for myself. It pains me, lol... for what more nobler an escape than to dedicate thine cause and soul to another's? At least you have direction. Like being in the military I guess.

I just gotta say though, I never would have imagined that the world would be like this. Capable of fulfilling our very inner wishes and granting us seemingly endless euphoria, and yet with that same hand, beating us in our moments of joy and pleasure until we beg for another treat.

I tire of such cyclic torture.

Numb and Number

I feel cut off from all emotion, all possibilities... numb to all but the awareness of that incapability- that numbness. If it is cold, I do not feel it... I only know the lack of feeling... and know that something once sacred is now lost, something holy, stained by evil.

I feel but a shadow of my former self.

Ahhhh I need to chill out...

I really hope I get this job tomorrow. I'm gonna be on my best. I'm gonna shower today and tomorrow, gonna get all the hard to reach spots on my neck, shave real nice... stretch and work out today and tomorrow and maybe even jog a little on my way over there.

I know I have committed many sins, done many misdeeds. But I am no darker than the judge in the courthouse, the politiciian that directs the flow of our money (and our lives), or the beggar on the corner with nary a tooth to smile. I am nothing, I am dust in an interminable wind that knows not mine entity nor mine sorrowful, serruptitious soul, which it whips worrilessly about with wanton wimsical wrecklessness.

Heh, I mean if ya gotta complain about shit ya might as well complain well, eh. Like Don Juan or Castaneda or whatever said- if tying your shoe is what gets you hit by the boulder, or what saves you from wandering into it's deadly path, the best you can do is tie your shoe pretty fuckin good.

Well, I'm getting into a funk. I like the flow but not the direction ya digg... time to switch streams~

Later potaters~

namaste compadres~

alright people. i'm out. just wanted to say hi.

lates!

Sailors~

ohh man. what a day.

i... i have begun a spectacular journey.

who knows where it will take me =)

i hear my train a comin

After staying up all night, I realized something.

How I feel after staying up all night without sleep... this must be how most people feel on a daily basis.

I mean I feel way more connected and alive, it's weird. Maybe I've been getting too much sleep lol. Or maybe we are just supposed to push ourselves a little every now and then like this... (herpa friggin derpa) xD

God I feel weird. I'm gonna upload something I wrote recently. I'll type it up right now...

Actually I gotta go meet someone... hell, if anything it's nice having steady sex. Been goin on a while now... can't complain. There's always friggin room for improvement.

^_^ we all gotta be good at somethin i guess heh

lates~

What's in a wonder ball?

I find myself facing the greatest battle of my life... for what is not the greatest moment of our lives, but that which we realize our exact place in the universe?

Heissenberg's Uncertainty Principle (or some bullshit). You can't know the exact location, direction, and speed(momentum) of an object. Because by the time you find (at most) two of them, the third has changed. It's as close to quantifying time as we've ever come.

That said, it's impossible to cognate one's own place in life. Yet isn't that what we are pressured to do? Relentlessly since the day we are born? Such a chaotic, unyielding struggle, it is. Duality is the primal nature of the universe, or at least, mankind's conception of it.

Still. Ain't no excuse for this shit. I need a job. I've been playing the shit out of Darksiders 2 and Final Fantasy XIII-2- both of which are severely underrated in my opinion, D2 moreso (I mean, yes, Xiii-2 isn't on par with the classic rpgs. Earthbound, FF6, FF5, FF7, FF8, FF9, pwns it as far as I'm concerned)(even FFX lol)- but it's time to get the FUUUUUUUCK out of this shit! I'm so sick of it! And you know what? I'm a grown ass man, nigga. If I don't like my shit, I eat different food til it's the color I want. Ya digggggg~

And THAT said, I'm still friggin around on the library computer, waiting for the most lovely being in the universe to come around off of work.

Please, anyone reading this. Please... I beg of you... GIVE ME A JOB. PLEASE! I SWEAR TO CHRIST'S LIMP WRISTS THAT MY ASS WONT RUN OFF OR QUIT. PLEASE JEEEEEEESUS I NEED A CHANCE, JUST THIS ONE CHANCE, TO TURN THE MOMENTOUS TIDE~

wish me luck... I wish you love~

Soft Asylum-? More like... Hard... Pasture O_o

Things are about to turn the fuck around for this guy.

Charles Motowski is in the field, fool, watch yo SHIT!

Yeah I feel pretty damn good. I'm gonna nail a job and get these fines taken care of, work my ass off and have some extra money, save that shit up til I got like $1200 just chillin, then I can get any freakin place I want. I'm gonna turn this shit around.

I don't know what else to say. Doubt me if you will- I know what's coming and all I gotta say is, if you ain't on this cat's ship, good luck survivin the wave broooo~

DREAX CAN LIGHT MY CANDLE ANYDAY ohhhhh

Another day of hard work... man.

Lmao it's only my like fifth day of work at this place. It's easy work~ I just need to download new music lol.

Feel really good. My muscles are pretty strained. Got a lot of stuff on my agenda for the following week. Hell I got a lot of stuff planned for life, in general.

I'm gonna do a lot of writing tonight. I wish my check had come in the mail, so I could drink and type like I like to do lol. Hell, that sounds like a plan... tomorrow night I'll have to grab a fifth of cheap whiskey and type up what I write tonight.

I gotta go home though. I'm tired, physically, and I wanna take advantage of Mike not being home so I can play some DARKSIDERS 2!! HELL YES!

God, I feel really great. Such a contrast to yesterday. I know dark times may be ahead but no matter what I'll keep progressing forward... Would I only I had more companions on this quest~

MAGIC CANDLE BEEEEEATCH! God I need a fuckin laptop. end of discussion. must get a real job.

Fuck you

I swear I could type a thousand, hundred thousand words, and it would do nothing to fill the void that is in me. I could type a million different ways, from different perspectives, languages, grammatic structures, etc. And it would not even glance the immovable, immensely dense darkness that swirls me in its tightening grasp like a black hole. It must relish in the conviction of the assured fate that awaits me.

I hate this pointless existence. I hate, knowing that my hate, itself, is a fallow, shallow reflection of the empty void that encompasses all we are. I have nothing, I am nothing, and no matter what I feel or say or what seemingly life-changing revelation may shake me from my morbidity, it will remain. And wait. With the absolute certainty of the ground looking up at the sky. Knowing soon, sometime, all will fall. It is only a matter of time.

THE MAGIC CANDLE

Another day in paradise~

I have my goals set out before me... and I am at a loss. Hmm reminds me of a poem~

On the streets where people make their business
I am at an eager loss.
I cannot be what I feel most freely
Without meeting face with backward toss.

When I am here, upon the mountain,
Away from all the nasty looks,
I can run free, laugh like a child,
Or be the hero in the books.

Is it right, to be alone-
Away from what I was brought up knowing?
What brings me back down to the city
To stop this feel-good dream from growing?

I love it so much, here, today;
I am at such peace...
What more could I, should I, say?
What greater mood could I release..?
Would that I could enervate myself wholly from the rendition of those words... perhaps such is attainable. Discipline- the application of hope through trial- through this, all is possible. Some call it Will, some call it Skill.

I dropped out of rehab. I have way too many fines to pay. I can't be holed up like the world ain't spinning around me... God I just wanna pay off these damn fines. And go to school...

Ahh yes, thus the subject of my prior indecision, al beit, my derision~

So I found out my lil sis is also taking Accounting. I say also cause I talked about doing this shit like waaaaaay... well... like half a year ago lol. The idea was in my mind the year before that but was like a valence electron, on the perimeter and often lost in transit and patriotism.

I wonder. Should I pursue English as a major? Doesn't sound too promising, financially. However it's something I could study and learn more of day after day and just feel that much better. Should I go into Computer Sciences (not as a major- fuck that theory bullgus). Its practical side- software programming, cubicle jobs, projects and lines of codes..? I could spend forever hunched at a computer learning that shit, I feel. I could zombify and do that shit all day, no sweat... and probably be pretty sound and innovative at it in the mean time.

I had thought about accounting, as well, and although I have a fondness for numbers and logic (I don't think I could be bored being a math/geometry/physics teacher) I see it more of a curiosity than even writing. Writing is closer to me than numbers... I can't profess proficiency in either, but... I don't know if I appreciate the business aspects of accounting. Math might be a good foundation for a later degree, but accounting, with its social and business implications, just seems like a sketch field. Might as well be a butcher or a tailor... or a gem cutter...

GOD I WANNA PLAY THE MAGIC CANDLE! They need to make that shit for Android. Fuck me, that would be amazing.

Well I was supposed to do shit with my time online but this is all I did. Now the library is about to close, and I don't know what I've accomplished. I gotta work, spinning this damn sign outside a mattress store across town, tomorrow.  Gotta make that money, honey~

~much love

Gonna bury all our troubles in the sand~

I have to make 400 bucks by December... but I'm going to rehab October 3rd. I'll be there til the end of the month. Which gives me like 4 weeks to make 400 lol. And I just lost my job at the dollar tree cuz of... well I would say my bitch ex, but... it's my life, things happen to it usually as a result of my own actions or insolence. I should've known that bitch woulda done what she did, and when she did it, I shouldn't have been surprised.

Ahh well. One door closes, another opens eh. The good thing is I'm writing a lot now. Err, a lot compared to how much I used to.

There's a couple girls that are pretty close, that I can reach out and grab, but... I don't know what it is. I just ain't into it right now. If something's gonna come, it'll come to me. I know I'm gonna regret that later on, when I am so far from anyone that I'll wish I was where I am right now lol. But. Such is the nature of my feelings eh.

Ohhhhh yeah. Gurren Laggen. Or something like that. People tell me I should watch it... so tonight, after my writing and shit, I'ma indulge myself in some anime. Idk. It's supposed to be pretty evocative. Err yeah lol.

Well, as always. much love~

My Wild Love

hanging out at the library today, got a little bit of soda and time left, then I'm heading out. Been staying relatively sober and overall it's been beneficial for me... not to say it hasn't been one of the hardest things I've done in my life. And what makes it worse is all this shit going on on the side...

I miss my ex a lot, I mean it really fuckin hurts not being with her. I wish things didn't degenerate like they did... I also wish she didn't cheat on me, beat me, and try and get me arrested multiple times.

So I don't know. It seems like the direction my life is taking is one of doing what is right for me despite it being uncomfortable. I just don't know... I wanna make my life better, that's all I know. I will do it no matter the cost.

I've been reconsidering the military, but I don't think they'd take me lol. We'll see... first I gotta get this debt payed off.

Despite all that's going on, I still have a lot of love to give and I send it out to all you cats who give a damn about me, whoever and wherever you are.

There's nothing left here, to me baby.... but the velvet blue~

So my ex is trying her semi-hardest to ruin my life. But I won't let it get me down. This is probably punishment for shit I've done to other people in my past... I'm not gonna make it worse by doing the same back to her. And yes, she is a girl. I've realized that the whole Gender-Identity bullshit is just that- bullshit. It's just a way to establish control over people. Our brains are chemicals, and when those chemicals are imbalanced a certain way (coupled with and/or antagonized by just the right experiences in life) then lo and behold, the transbitch approacheth.

Work was good today... not posting much more than that.

Let's just say, I'm taking care of this situation right now. I'm on my way to speak to... well. Point is, the bitch ain't gonna be harassing and defaming my character any longer.

I believe in God more than she does, that's for sure. To her God is just another... grrr. Fuck her. I'm ragin so bad right now... she really is the epitome of evil. God save my soul... it's gonna be the longest winter of my life.

Much love,

~namaste

excellence

Before I begin, I'd like to say that I know most of my pageviews are coming from the UK.

So. I used to blog a lot... after getting into a relationship it kind of simmered down.

Well, I'm single again.

Thank God...

I can deal deal with pretty much anything in a relationship. There's only two things you can go wrong with in my book- lying, and violence. So far my past two girlfriends have been the mortal embodiments of said attributes...

Man my vocabulary has really gone to shit.

There's a lot of shit I should update on before I delve into that steaming mass of liquid-escent shit, however.

...Been going to rehab... err, rather, I should be. I coulda just taken these damn 3x-a-week classes that are like two hours each. But, being the little shit I am, I botched that up and now my only option is to go to this month-long inpatient rehab in October.

Aye... I don't know... things are getting to that point where it's like, I honestly don't give a shit anymore...

Well that's like how I feel half+ the time.  Sometimes I'm hopeful... hell sometimes I'm extremely earnest in my endeavours to farther my miserable life.

Man my vocabulary sucks ass... I've been so sleep deprived... my buddy's place is like infested with bed bugs. Not to mention all the friggin drama keeping me up all night.

~~

God. Well, all I can say about this chick/ dude is that... I really gave it my best shot. I always do (yet somehow, 'I ain't often right but I ain't never been wrong/ just seldom turns out the way it does in a song'

...but once in a while, we get shown the light (in the strangest of places- if we look at it right)~

^_^ I don't know. I'm just glad to be out of the relationship. It was always a precariously-perched pebble on a waiting avalanche of boulders.

...Besides. Bitch called the cops on me like three times for shit I ain't done.

*cough cough* but that's neither here nor there. It takes too much energy to be negative like that... I don't know what I'm gonna do today. I'm freaking broke and I'm gonna have to eat sometime. I was counting on him/her to help me out with some money on friday, but it would be haphazard to assume s/he would do so, now.

~~

I got a job at the Dollar Tree down the street. Thank friggin God. It's great- real easy, linear, repetitive work that keeps me moving and thinking (without making me feel like a zombie!).

Aaaaaaand CCC wouldn't let me take classes this Fall because they demanded $600 upfront before I could get financial aid. Plus I gotta pay $450 in bogus court fees (this time for something I ACTUALLY didn't do~ lmao boy who cried wolf- story of my life).

~~~

All I'm saying is this- I tried my best to be honest with this individual. I understand that a relationship can work whether you are honest or dishonest. But from my own experience with life in general, it takes a greater amount of energy/ dedication to maintain a web of lies and shit. And I don't have time for that shit. Even trying to live as honestly as possible, being as true to my feelings and heart as I can, I still get barely through the day ya know.

Well I always thought this person was seeing her ex. After all, she proportedly left him for me (*snort* sorry, I just have hard time trusting traitors, no matter how much they swear newfound allegiance. Fact remains, they were capable of mutiny in the first place if you catch my drift...) anyways, I knew it was bullshit. I can't even explain why, it's just... when you're with someone for a good half of the day for months on end, it's like you can grasp their flow~ and there was some other massive form of input that s/he had in her life that s/he would always deny, and/or beat around the bush when I asked about it. I figured either s/he was having an affair, was supporting some secret drug addiction, or some other shady shit was going down.

I was right on all counts, as it was.

~~~

I don't know... my whole life I've wanted a relationship. But honestly my concern has shifted *slightly(?)* from my own personal journey/experience  life, to that of mankind in general.

Often, I ask myself what it is I'm contributing to society. Is it my asynchronous worldview? My radical (though delineated and entirely rational) views on culture, and the world in general..?

I don't wanna be one of those cats chilling on his front porch all day, praying my Social Security and/or Welfare check makes it on time, as my life slowly seeps away into the cosmic vagina, ya know... I don't think I have anything to offer, other than my intentions alone. But I find that there is no greater source of strength in life than that which we gain from momentum accrued through thoughtless, pure intent.

Err something like that. God, I got like two hours of sleep the past few nights. Cool thing is, I rolled on a certain forum thread to see what movie (out of a list of a hundred) I would watch. And I got this weird one I never heard of called The Prestige.

Turned out it had a lot to do with Nichola Tesla~ ^_^ friggin awesome. The more I hear about that cat the more mad respect I have for him. Copernicus and Tesla are probably my two favorite scientists... though admittedly my knowledge of scientists is limited at best. Probably a close third would be Marie Curie(sp?). Relentless, irrational pursuit of knowledge (especially in the face of skepticism) is, to me... beautiful.

~~~

...alright I got no time on the computer left.

I'll leave with one of my usual Hendrix quotes I guess lol~ much love yo~

'... and they also said 'it's impossible!'
''...for a man to live and breathe underwater~'
'(forever was a... main complaint...~)'

I shouldve known

I should've known when I started seeing the poetry again.. us be coming back.

Why now? Why question all that I have? Why..?

I see these paths before me- their direction, their weather and moods.

I want only to do what is right. What I know, in my heart, is true...

I don't know where it will take me... because it takes all I have, just to take this first trepidatious step...

Fair Hurt~ WATCH ~Richer, she...

I've been away from the keyboard for faaaaaar too long.

My life has been so damn chaotic and askew, I haven't had any real opportunity, it felt like.

Life... momma mia. So much has changed. So very much...

As I get older, I found myself more capable of reflecting the inherent beauty i find in the world around me. It's been a long process, and it started with me believing that I was this ugly, no good rotten punk who deserved nothin...

Things have changed so much. Since being with Becca out in Indiana, and the military for a few months in Fort Jackson, and then coming back to flag... hell, before that, i was pretty much just living off the reverberations/ripples of my past years, mainly high school.

Fuck. I thought I knew what love was. I actually went around, prancing like some new age shaman/ Castaneda-cultist, a genius too in love with the world to attempt any contact with it... it was a lonely lonely past couple years, I tell you what...

~~

Look, I'm here to talk about love. Ok. I'm in love right now. I'm in love with a girl who calls herself Walter Richter Cheek. She is the love of my fuckin life... It's so friggin weird, like, we click so fuckin well, it's insane. I have the feeling that this is the girl that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with... and I don't mean it as a dream, as it was with Rebecca of Anderson, Indiana...  I mean, I can see him looking at me for as long as I can see the light... for as long as I can... God,I love this woman. Even if she is a man. I don't care. She brings me the most satisfaction and contention that I have ever felt in my life... it's like thinking you learned how to breath, only to have it shoved in your face and shown how you don't really know... like everything you've done so far is just a joke, and this is the real thing.

I can't wait to wake up every fuckin day. I can't wait to face the new challenges that await us. We are an unstoppable force. We can do this shit. We can do it, and we can do it while looking pretty damn good at the same time...

Idk, I'm really drunk at Cline Library, drinking wine and just reminiscing... man I love Chardonnay.

Bummer status

So I was livin with this... chick... at this motel room for a while. Things were going alright. Then I told her 'look you gotta dump this other guy you're seeing or we're DONE'. Aaaaaand she chose him over me lol.

Well I didn't see that coming ;_;

It was so nice living with someone else, damn. I wish I could be back with her just for the company, if anything. Damn... Now I'm not gonna be able to afford this motel room, so I'm either gonna go back to my buddy Mike's place or go live with my parents.

Not to mention work's been cutting my hours, and in my manic depression brought on by all this relationship-falling-apart drama, I called in to work like twice in a row... God. So now I'm pretty fucked in that department.

There's some kids from work that want to party tonight. But honestly I just want Zant to come over again. I just wanna lay with her and feel like shit's ok again...

Can't a guy make a mistake..?

I messaged her and apologized, asked for her to live with me again. Man... It's too late to go to the community college today, too.

Guess I'll run by a store and get some munchadelics. Damn. I don't wanna party today... I don't know what I wanna do. I just... feel like shit.

It's OK because I like the abuse...~

Alright, I'm so friggin ready for this semester it's not even FUNNY! FOOL! LAUGH! I DARE YEE!
U RAFF U ROOOOZE!

Man! I wanna get into college so friggin bad... I can't wait. I hate to sound pretentious, anal, or weird, or what not (insert derogetory shit here) but... man... please God please God PLEAAAAAAAASE GOD!

I mean I wanna hit the books like a redneck wants to join the military ya know? I just YEARN for this shit! I WANT it! So friggin bad!

Alright I gotta cool it man. I'm just... so friggin amped. I wanna go to Northern Arizona University like a poodle wants to take a poop. And trust me they enjoy the experience.

Wow that just turned things around in this lil blog lol. Pretty frickin nasty if I may say so... alright I'm killin time, I ain't got time right now... I gotta work at 5 in the morning, thank God I'm getting my hours at least. Man, what I wouldn't do for two full-time weeks worth of pay... I could get that laptop I've been dreamin about. I've been sendin my Ma 100+ every paycheck, that's what I'm gonna keep on doing. She's saving up my money for me, seeing as anyone with any friggin brains would stay away from banks.

Alright I won't elaborate. More to come later. Dos Vadanya

Life is going good... I applied at NAU and university of wisconsin- madison. Going for biochemistry. Good I hope i get in..  I'm done wasting my life for minimum wage. .

I am the man who walks alone~

I'm back together with my love, Rebecca Hewitt.

It's great ^_^ I really have missed her a whole bunch. It's not like I was chompin at the bit, but it was more like a background melancholy. That's what I like about our relationship... well I like everything about it really lol. She's just a perfect match for me, it's weird o_O It's like I don't even have to try and she just knows exactly what I mean about everything, it's amazing... But as good as it is and as much as we love each other, we both have this kind of detachment as well, so it's like, we're not really head over heels but we're not like an unhappy couple. We're just damn good partners, and I like that. We respect each other and push each other, it's cool =)

That's like the biggest change that's happened in my life recently. I've started working at McDonald's as well and have already gotten a raise and shit. They really digg my work ethic and my enthusiasm, but good God.... we don't get SHIT for hours! It fuckin sucks. I wanna make moooooooney...

I've been sending money to my mom (well I'm starting to, anyways). Haven't saved up too much yet but I plan on doing at least 100 a paycheck. That'll amount to 2400 by the end of the year ^_^

But I've also applied at NAU, as well. And I'll definitely be full-time if I go there. I hope hope hope hope hope sooooo bad to get into NAU... good God. I'd love to live in the dorms, eat at the cafeteria, and go to class every day like a cool college cat lol. But mostly I really just want to get OUT of this FUNK! Living without a degree is like driving a car around a racetrack without even being in a race. Same experience as everyone else, you're just not doing shit with it compared to what everyone else is doing.

I'm just... kinda undecided on my major. Accounting would be a good choice for landing a decent job, and I'd have my old man to help me out getting started, but Biochemistry would be even better for money, as well as being able to work with cool science like genetics, or medicine, etc- I'd be able to help the human race, maybe even develop cures for diseases out there.

But then there's my actual passions- video games, computers, writing... hell even philosophy lol.

I'm just gonna do a lot of research into all these fields. I'll post more when I get the chance. Much love, universe~