Absolute Value =P

I've been under a lot of stress lately.

And you know what's ridiculous..? It's all my fault; I've seen this shit comin and I've shrugged it off like it ain't a big deal, hoping that, you know, 'mind over matter' / might makes right/ think happy thoughts and all that shit, might somehow make everything disappear... What do you know, it didn't. Thank God I've (hopefully) woken up in time to catch it before it goes.

I've had it good... I've had it a lot better than I like to make it sound. I've been blessed by angels, to have come this far (relatively) unscathed.

I want more than anything to have the ability to make my friends and the people that've been there for me, happy. Even if it's only once for each of them, as a thank you... I don't even know how that would make me feel, I'd be so happy.

It hurts a lot... what is most painful, I think, is just... not having anything to place that pain on.  It's just this pressure, this numbing ache that dulls me and makes me lethargic... makes me cozy... makes me wanna just throw myself into the ocean and open my veins...

I have spent so much of my life... too much of my life really... blaming others... hating...

(Can't even say I've hated more or less than the average cat, but I know in my heart it's been too much... in short, yes I'm saying that what little hate most of us have in our hearts, God it feels like too fuckin much doesn't it..?)

The best things come with the worst though, eh? Despite all of it, I've found a source of happiness... a game called FINAL FANTASY XI nyuggas! YEEES I love it~ I'm so glad I got back into it after so many years away... God I love it~! I have a great linkshell, Valaqunta or some shit like that lol... Great people. There's waaaaay less people, it seems, than there was before, but quality over quantity- the people online in FFXI now are some of the kindest, most encouraging cats I've ever played online with. Unholyangle from my LS just straight up hooked me up with 500k and got me like 30 levels in a few hours in the sewers beneath Chateau D'Oraguille(sp) and this sweet gal Kuryn has helped me so much... hell just check out my facebook for the pics, they tell the stories (I only wish I had taken more, there is so much to tell). I can't start listing names cuz there's too freakin many for a memory as feeble as mine but Kirsi got me into the LS and is like this exhaustless fountain of help, encouragement, and commitment to helping others... Charise and Jujubee, the hippest older couple I've ever gamed with who somehow find my clunky cantankerous company enjoyable =D ...Vaku and Abbu are like two ends of the wisdom pole- Vaku is the polished end on which u can lean and Abbu is the quick sharp end that teaches you with a crack/snap lol-! both are solid cats though =) Finathlon... the veritable President Shinra himself- and I say that lovingly, as an aspiring Shinra Manager lol- and not to mention a fine Sake connoiseur/ mysterious man-behind-the-scenes... and Jonnyboy, a kind, quirky kid who has like half the characters on the server lol... Grayson's been a steady friend and a good guy to talk to, I think we'll have some cool adventures, yet =P Warlok makes tarus look badass, he's a good role model... Ideyo I owe a TON of abyssea to, this cat's always been down to make me a badass and get me leveled... hell him and Warlok are always proddin me forward to level and stuff (I know, I know, garrrrr) and Smiley, who I doubted her from the start but she turned out to be a real cool cat- don't know if we'll ever see eye-to-eye exactly but that's what makes it so tight when we do connect ya know~

Ahhh now I gotta log in and get my login bonus, say hey to the gang and let em know I'll be on tonight after some homework.

I'm really happy... I think I've reconnected with something beautiful I'd totally forgotten about ya know... it's a good feeling every time I log back in.




Shit I feel pretty corny and all. Think I should go on a walk, eat some sushi... get a flow goin and pound out some homework.

man, there's this galka dude that's really helped me out but i can't remember his name... he's in the LS and has like three characters... got me started on Abyssea actually. I wanna say it's Jeanwa but I ain't goin on the record here...