The Day The Music Died

Dark are the days in dinosaur land...

Bowser jackin some Yoshis ain't shit on what the fuck is going down in this shit.

I'm fuckin twisted, my heart is ripped and shredded into so many fuckin pieces...

Everyone has abandoned me... And if they haven't, I've shut the door on them... I don't even feel like that last statement is true, honestly, but I feel like they might see it that way, and sense I respect them, I acknowledge the possibility (probability...) if that makes sense...

I have had this problem since... well it happens when I dex too much but... I'm quickly seeing that it is probably a natural response from my body- a natural reaction... what's the word... Apostosis? aphostosis... apothostis... whatever... it's basically suicide at the molecular level...

Apoptosis...

funny word... lol... but no joke... sometimes I stop breathing... like I'll realize my vision's darkening and things are getting heavy, then i'll suddenly realize it's because I haven't breathed in a while... so i breath in reaaaaally deep, like a prolonged gasp... and from then on I have to purposely breath or else I'll forget, until things get heavy again...

I don't blame my body- I've been terrible... I'm a fucking terrible piece of shit...

And even saying that, I'm fucking furious at what a fucking failure I am...

~~

I'll start with this.

I don't love my father.

I have absolutely no love in my soul for that heartless bastard... he has never shed a god damn tear in his life... okay i admit i've seen him choke up once- but it took my FUCKING SISTER DDDDDDDDYING to FUCKING MAKE IT THROUGH THAT HEARTLESS FUCKING SHROUD OF A GODLESS FUCKFACE NIGGERSHIT SOULLESS CUNTSLAVING MONEYJEWING NIGGERFACE FAGGOT of a failure of a human being he is.

You know why my father is a fucking failure? Because he's always right. ALWAYS. As in, he NEVER owes up to his fucking mistakes. And now that he has all this money, he thinks he's entitled to not having to excuse himself.

Guess what fuckhead. There's a reason our family's in fucking PIECES and it isn't because I tried to fuck my sister- we got over that shit by the time dinosaurs were learning to shit, you assfucking cuntslave wannabe-millionaire.

You were never a fucking father to me. Never. You've been nothing but this cold shell of a human being that I have heroically tried to understand, appreciate, and love but you know what man? I can't fuckin play this shit any more. I'm fuckin tired of this game, you ungrateful little shit. WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU! Where the FUCK where you when I was fifteen years old, crossing the mexican border with a backpack full of potatoes and Castaneda books, and a knife up my sleeve? Where the FUCK where you when I was niggerrigging my ps2 to a cuban cokelord's tv so he could watch porn dvds, doin lines off a mirror while my mom's in the other room givin head to my puerto-rican uncle Elliot (God bless that mother fucker (literally no pun intended); he was more of a father to me than you ever were) just so she could take another hit off his crack pipe.

Yeah, Mr. Rich guy, you piece of shit, where the FUCK where you when I was being emotionally abused and having my personal growth stunted by my dike-ass testosterone-pill-popping Ronni-bitch stepmom? I think the most disgusting and fake shit I have ever done in my life was saying the best man speech at your fucking wedding to that disgusting, money-whoring bitch that you DARED think could EVER replace my beautiful, sweet, tender-hearted mother...

WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU MAN?! 'Oh I was always there, you just never wanted me'

THATS WHAT BEING A MAN IS! It took me this fucking long to realize it, god fucking dammit, but being a FUCKING MAN Is about GOING OUT and DOING SHIT. I faintly recall a time back in Missouri, when you were still somewhat of a man- you had you your fuckin flaws, your anger, but dammit man, you were THERE. You played fucking catch with me man... I wish to God I could look back and remember more times when you did something as simple as throw the fucking ball to your son. Instead of tossing a football, you'd go out so everyone could see you- just once- and show me how to throw and catch a baseball, a frisbee, throw a spiral, etc... but every fuckin time. EVERY fuckin time after that- WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU MAN

no wonder I fuckin love video games. I never had a fuckin father to play shit with. I never had anyone but my harpyass sisters, and even having my purported 'genius level IQ' (which I think you fucks rigged just to excuse the emotional-void left by your fucking negligence as parents) I could never figure out just what the fuck was wrong. You know why? Because I'm an honest mother fucking guy. Honestly fucking ignorant goes along with that unfortunately...

So where were you, old man? Oh I know where. You were there all along- and it's the same place you are now... you were and always will be RIGHT.

That's what you passed on to me- that's your grand fucking legacy. I copied your mannerisms, your witticisms, I idolized you at a subconscious level because I fuckin NEEDED you. Every flick of shit off your table was a feast for the parched, rotted soul of Charlie.

All you have to offer anyone, at this point, is money. Money, and lawsuits. That's all you got. I'm literally twenty minutes from you for HOW MANY months and I call and text you over and over saying we should meet up, we should do something, but I'm like BEGGING you to WANT to spend time with me, and why?

Why the fuck should I need you so fucking much? Why the fuck should I care so much? I can't fucking help it- now that I've realized it, I can start to fuckin heal this gaping wound that I've filled relentlessly with 10 ounces of delsym cough syrup a day for the past, oh, seven years.

Yeah you weren't the only thing to blame for my problems, but not having you there is like walking out the door with one fuckin leg in the mornin- I ain't saying it's gonna be a bad day, but it's not exactly off to a great fuckin start. Sort of like how you WERENT THERE when my sisters pushed my ass down the basement stairs when I was in a walker, bouncing onto the cement floor, fucking up my skull, face, and I don't even wanna think what else... You're just lucky you had military Tricare insurance to pay for that shit, otherwise I probably would've been a fuckin weird lookin shit, but five years of excruciating orthodontics and me not even assuming it's weird, or wondering why, thinking 'oh some kids just need it'.

Yeah- some kids whose dads were never there.

Okay that's pretty dramatic and overplaying it, but seriously, fuck you.

...I once said these following words to my mother, only once in my life, when I was a child... I think I was like ten, or eight... But you know what? I was just testing it out back then. I remember thinking it up one day, and I was just waiting for a chance to deliver it, and since she was the only fuckin person that's ever been there for me in my life no matter what, she just happened to be the first person I could callously use them against. Plus I wanted you to love me so badly I would never think of saying them to you.

But now I'm going to say them to who they should be properly directed against, and in doing so I will fix the universal flux that has had Charles Motowski twisted around backwards his whole life without ever realizing it...

Dad...

I will laugh at your grave.

-your son, from like eighteen years ago just gave me a thumbs up and a sick twisted (but oh so delightful) grin. Right the fuck on Charles.

~~end of best blog the dinosaur dude has ever written (will no longer speak in third person in further blog entries, reserved only for this specific excellent bloggage lol)

~just wanted to add that you don't deserve my mother. she's killed herself over and over repeatedly on the inside, blaming herself, and i've blamed her for no good reason...
i doubt she will ever take you back, so enjoy your office-flirt you cheated on your wife of thirty years with, take HER to a fuckin concert to show her how much you love her... she can KEEP YOUR FUCKIN BLOOD MONEY YOU FUCK. The next time I'm best man at one of your fuckin weddings, it better be to MY MOTHER. MY REAL MOTHER. THE ONLY MOTHER IVE EVER HAD, AND THE BEST FUCKIN MOTHER ON PLANET FUCKIN EARTH