Angels Dance and Angels Die

Lately (last fuckin, how many years now) I haven't had the urge to do anything creative... like, none at all...

It's been a slow decline since I don't remember when... now, I have no inclination at all, ever...

I might get really fuckin drunk and go out on the back porch and write maybe one poem, or a little stint of a short story or somethin, but after that brief excursion I'm spent; it will be weeks, sometimes, before I have any inclination to do anything like it. Even working on my video game I keep braggin about every chance I get- I never fuckin work on it. I think up tons of ideas, but never put any hours in.

There's only one exception- when I'm trippin mad balls.  That's the only time I'm outgoing, satisfied, and igniting with euphoria enough to dive into whatever I'm doing...

I feel like trippin and drinkin just destroys any sense of momentum or enthusiasm I have when I'm sober, so all I can do is be miserable without my high... and yet when I'm high and I HAVE all this momentum and enthusiasm, later on when I'm comin down I just shake my head at what I've done or produced...

I feel like I'm becoming or have become what I've hated and feared most of all- the person who sold his soul to the devil, for power and happiness.

What confuses/irritates me the most about it is, I don't want to change. Despite these feelings of being on the wrong track, of making the 'wrong' choice, I don't want to be straight. I look forward to that next trip more than anything, and the thought that someday I'll have enough money and resources to sustain that perpetual bliss is more than I could ever hope for... I don't care if I die tomorrow or live forever- as long as it's with my shit~!

I was told all my life, but subtly and overtly, that this way is wrong. But it's what makes me happy, and you know what? I'm the one that's got to die when it's time for me to die, so let me live my life the way I want to.

If I die at 27 because of it, then I hope I'm high the whole time.