I know it probably sounds nuts to a sober person or to, well, relatively normal people, to hear someone have a problem with finding things to do with all their spare time, but I can honestly say that's one of my big problems. I have so much free time on my hand, and it seems like I've done nothing with my life for so long. Even if I was just getting into something dumb like playing video games or researching my favorite bands, God I mean anything would be better than just sitting on my ass, high as hell, switching between facebook and my cough syrup forums all day.
Yesterday I was getting into Led Zeppelin, the Yardbirds, CCR, I mean a whole bunch of bands that I've listened to but never really gotten to know, and it was really cool expanding my knowledge for once. I even downloaded an emulator and tried playing some Legend of Zelda: Link to the Past and that was a trip in itself. I remember when I was all into emulating, playing classic games, making playlists and researching old music.
Being productive, I think is the term heheh. A lot of times when I'm tripping I'll try and get into something but I'll be really heavy about it, like I'll really break it down psychologically so much that by the time I actually start doing it, I'm so worn out by the sheer weight of it all that I lose interest.
I used to get high and go to the mountain, where I'd take pictures, or write poetry, or just write in my journal and meditate on my life. I'd put on headphones and walk around town, read at the library or Hastings/Bookmans, hang out with friends and philosophize, shit like that. Party at night, meet new people or get to know some old friends even better... Shit was just expanding ya know. I've been sitting on my ass for a while... it feels like I've been recovering from some kind of damage I've done to myself...
I'm gonna admit something I have been thinking about lately. This girl I used to be really... well I was kind of obsessed with her and I didn't even really realize it. I thought I was just being romantic but really it was being clingy and I really feel bad about it... a lot of my old blogs are just, me thinking about her way too much and honestly it's kind of creepy shit, unless you've spent a day in my shoes. It really makes me look like a weirdo... it just sucks cuz a lot of my old blogs are important to me, like they're like snapshots of me and my progress as a person at different points of my life, and I want to hold on to them, I just... don't think I'm gonna keep them in the public annals of history ya know. I have them on Myspace right now, and my profile is just shared with my friends, people who know me and know that it was just a weird phase/part of my life, people who aren't gonna judge me for it. I digg that.
It's too late to try and tell her I'm sorry though. If I tried to contact her she'd probly just be weirded out by it and scared that I was stalking her or something. The best thing I can do is not contact her... just like someone else in my life who will go unnamed.
I've never had bad intentions, ya know? I was just a good thing who didn't know what he was doing, and who was a little tainted from being mistreated and abused, himself. I've been trying to be a better person, I fuckin really have, and not for anyone else, just for myself. The world can go fugg itself sometimes, that's how I really feel, like I really am pretty full of myself sometimes / too much but ya know, this is who I am, and until I learn otherwise or find it in my heart to really change, I'ma keep doing the things I do. I don't wanna be a drag on myself ya know. I wanna be light and free, it's just finding that shit that weighs me down that's hard. Once I find it, I can whittle that anchor away til it's gone for good, I'm brilliant at that, it's just finding it in the first place that's difficult.
Well this has been a pretty nice lil blog. I'll post a share link on my facebook to try and get some traffic onto it. Maybe I'll find some cats who also blog on Google or other blog sites to connect with. My buddy Anthony from back in Elementary school, I told him to get on writing a blog, I should ask him how that's moving along...
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