When it's over...

I'm not gonna lie, things aren't all peachy-clean and creamy, yo.

Charles is in a world of pain, swimming in a sea of regret, drowning, drowning in questions... questions like 'why?'.

...why did shit fuck up with these beautiful, amazing women that crossed my path? Becca, Kristi, Cait, Amanda (oh, Amanda...), even Emma... man. It really fuckin hurts man, I mean I really loved these women... I'm lucky Becca still talks to me. She's cool... I respect that a lot, that she considers me important enough, that she considers what we shared important enough, to not mind having me around, ya know.

Kristi... well she's got issues.  I wanted to help that broad out but sometimes all we can do is hurt even when all we want to do is help... guess it just wasn't meant to be. Yeah sounds pretty pretentious but shit...

Cait, well, fuck me sideways with a toaster.  The FUCK do I have to say about that bitch. SUCKS FOR YOU, BITCH! Sucks you're gonna DIE alone with your friggin DOG! Who might actually live LONGER than you!! (Well I say that but secretly I spend 1/3 of my daydreams singing to her and winning her heart, still).

Amanda Cora Cheek... Walter Richter Cheek... a person worthy of two identities, for the size of his/her heart. What a friggin woman, man. God I wish I could go back to the days when I had her, and could hold her, and just feel REAL with this beautiful, beautiful person... man what a wonderful partner... I love her so much, still. It hurts to think about her, most.

Even more than this bitch from the library- no i'm just kiddin. But seriously that Emma Teskey chick... what the fuck was that about? Talk about a conflict of interests. I was a rockstar and she was a librarian. Yeah that shit wasn't meant to be... still, she was a nice gal and would have made a great partner... if she could ever get over herself lol. well that's not being fair... still it's hard not to be callous towards someone that ripped you off ripe and hot like a too-fresh scar.


I just gotta keep my head down and do my schoolwork... things will work out.  Next semester I'll have the pad all to myself for only 400 a month, and that includes utilities and wifi.

It sucks, it's getting to that point again where I'm so desperate I don't even care about sex anymore, I just want intimacy, and closeness with someone else. Someone to make this dream a reality... I'm trying to put myself out there, maybe I should try a little harder. I don't know... I like the pace I'm going at...

Yeah I can't wait for next month man. End of August, I'm going to see Black Sabbath with my dad, fuckin awesome~ I might just tear up, I mean it... I fuckin love Sabbath... to think they've been powering on for over thirty years man... hell more like forty. God bless the restless souls of this planet~

It sucks my parents are going through this divorce again... God it really makes you look at life differently when your heroes turn out to be just as human as you. All I want is for them to be happy... All I want is a family again...

=/ but that's not gonna happen... it won't ever be like it was.

Well maybe I can make something different, something better... something stronger~ something that won't fall apart, no matter what happens.

I'll never forgive those black-hearted witches... Beverly... Samantha...

...for what else can I do..? I'm done being the one that never gives in, the one that hangs on stubbornly... I don't have the energy to 'do the right thing'. No- what they want is an illusion, and I will never play party to such an act, such falsity... they pine for that which was blown away in the dark wind years ago... I am who I am, and if the truth is uglier than the pretty lie they would have me live, then ugly I shall be... as I've always been; imperfect, but just right enough to know how wrong I really am...

...well. enough of that...

i actually feel a little better lol... i'll finish up this math shit and then see if i can't make headway in other areas...